If a parent doesn't pay for his children one month is he allowed to see them?

[leigh1996]

Citizens advice is really busy so I'm waiting 7 days on a call back

If he doesn't pay this month is he able to see them. I know parental rights you need to do your responsibilities too.

The reason it is mostly men we hear about is partly because mothers usually get custody. Both can be poor parents. I know a guy who was left with his two boys and no maintenance from his wife who left to have kids with another guy. She doesn’t work and is supported by new man so he doesn’t get anything from her. He still lets her see them it’s the boys’ right to have a mum even if she is a bit rubbish. However, make it formal. Give you some protection. (Although the system is faulty, too many parents manage to wriggle out of the already meagre payments)

Mn at its snobby finest.Getting all snippy because op said baby daddy
Have some compassion & empathy. She’s left an abusive relationship, he doesn’t financially contribute. He’s concealed the extent of his earnings.The children have clothing needs, that he can afford but her ex chooses not to. He’s seeing her struggling and does sweet fa

Op has has to really financially struggle and people are getting pithy about a colloquialism that they fully understand but dislike.

It’s mumsnet not the BBC Pronunciation unit

So she got bad advice from HV. That in itself doesn’t render op a bad parent.

@Naunet : Couldn't agree more.
90% of single parents are women, according to Gingerbread.

The reason it is mostly men we hear about is partly because mothers usually get custody

Yes, because men don’t want it 🙄

A bit more kindness and less snarkiness towards the OP wouldn't go amiss. Sure, her original suggestions was wrong both morally and legally but she has been previously misinformed, is clearly desperate and is recovering from an abusive relationship. She really doesn't need people kicking her when she's down. Ripping into her, if that's what you choose to do, says a lot more about you than it does her.

Follow through on the advice to engage CMS OP, that's your best option. I hope things get better for you.

If you don't let the kids to see him, the kids is the one who are going to suffer. Just call the legal advice to have a chat with him.

He could not pay for 50 years. He's still got the right to see them

Everyone says this. But if you refuse to pay support for your children, if you keep yuor money for yourself while they go without out (even if they don't, actually)....you're a shitty parent. You're piss-poor.

No, kids are not pay per view. But if you are such a crap dad (and we mean dads) that you refuse to pay maintenance, you're not a good person for them to spend time with. You suck. I wouldn't want my kids around someone that shitty.

I bet all of you piling in,berating op have #bekind and head tilt at mental health matters
Bet You were Conspicuously clapping, wee nhs rainbows in your windows, being seen to be nice. Keeping up appearances
Meanwhile online you batter in when a mum is describing the debilitating stress,worry and grind of poverty
Did you see the bit were op said she had to get a poverty grant to assist her

@leigh1996

I've gotten it sorted phone child maintenance payment

He's got once chance to do the form we print it out and sign it it's informal but if he fails then I'll be back on the phone.

The women on the phone is hopefully he will pay. I'm not but if he doesn't I'll phone back and have him pay.

Hopefully the law changes about the parent not in full custody being a decent person or is charged by social work or police etc.

Please don’t fall for CMS encouragement to sort it yourself. He’s already shown he doesn’t care. Get it set up on a properly formal footing ASAP.

However, you need to get yourself set up do you don’t rely on him financially.

Are you claiming everything you’re entitled to?

I don’t say that because I think he should be able to escape payment, but because the system is often absolutely shit and NRP’s get away with not paying.

You need to try and be in a position where his maintenance pays for nice-to-haves rather than absolute essentials so that you are not shafted if he doesn’t pay because you can’t rely on him, and sadly (despite their extensive powers) CMS can’t always be relied on either.

Good luck

The reason it is mostly men we hear about is partly because mothers usually get custody

My ex didn’t want it, he’s never even had them overnight, his choice. If they don’t even want to pay for them then they are unlikely to want them full time are they

OP, my ex hasn't paid in 14 years. You have to try and get past it. It has made me work even harder to make sure that they are provided for and have everything they need. It really does upset my ex that I can do it without him. My children are now in their teens and know which side their bread is buttered. I am glad they have had a relationship with him for all these years and have had the opportunity to understand exactly how he is and who he is.

The issue with maintenance is that they can't get over themselves. In my case, my ex left me for another woman and I think he genuinely believed that I would just commit suicide and leave him to get on playing happy families. He still seems confused that I manage without him in my life. What it is essentially is that he hates himself but he projects that at me - so hates me more than he is able to love the children so he punishes me financially. I've showed him!

Don't let him drag you down. It's not fair. Not by a long shot but you won't make it fair by denying contact.

Op please go back and ask for the money to be taken from his wages, not an informal agreement.
You know he won't pay, he has already shown you he is not reliable.
CMS will ask for his pay slips and pay you the REAL amount he owes each month. You won't have to beg him to pay, which it looks like you normal have to do.
I would stop stocking his larder if need be feed the Children before they go each time, so you know they are full. He is using your guilt to scam food off you. If you feel you must send the children with some food, then put some breakfast bars and a bottle of squash in, so you know they have a snack.
What ages are the children as that changes somethings.
You can look online and it will tell you how much he should pay , there is an online calculator.

@leigh1996

I never knew this was a thing that a dad can let their children starve and be able to take them out. And not pay for their own children to have a reasonable life.

That's crazy a male is allowed to do that. If I refused to buy them clothes and feed them it would be neglect but for the dad to do that knowing the mother can't afford to that's not neglect. I'd literally be charged with neglect but the male has no consequences

Men really do get away with anything and all the benefits.

The courts are crazy.

But I will take this advice he won't not get to see them and I'll phone to make sure he pays THE FULL AMOUNT this time.

But can i report this as neglect he let them have no food for an entire month or clothes, shoes when they outgrew them etc?

I take it you have full custody? You allow him visitation? Therefore their welfare is in your hands, so if you failed to feed and cloth them then yes that would be neglect. If he had them full time and failed to cloth and feed them then he would also be done with neglect.

I assume your children didn’t go without food or clothing for an entire month.

There are food banks that you can rely on to feed your children and yourself.

There is help out there, visit the government website and find out what you are entitled to.

If you want to do things right, go through the courts.

Don’t stop him from seeing his children, they’ll hold it against you in the end.

Why hadn't you sorted this out legally before this?

if you are such a crap dad (and we mean dads) that you refuse to pay maintenance, you're not a good person for them to spend time with. You suck. I wouldn't want my kids around someone that shitty

Non payment of maintenance is never about the kids. It's about punishing the ex. My ex is an absolute twunt of a man when it comes to me but he loves the kids. Just can't get over himself. My kids know. They love him anyway because that's how we're programmed. They will, however, withdraw from him as they push into adulthood because he's not the kind of person they will want their friends and eventually own children around. But they will have come to that conclusion themselves through their own relationship with him.

I could have denied contacted and behaved badly. I could have done much to turn my children against him. But as they got older, he would have had reason to complain about me and they would have then been stuck in the middle, wondering if dad was good or not. This way, they know what their dad is like and it's their decisions what happens going forwards. You can't make it any better than that.

Why hadn't you sorted this out legally before this?

What does that even mean? Why attempt to kick the OP whilst she's down?

Don't let him see them then, that's what you want to hear.
Its them you'll have to answer to one day though.

Did you read she’s escaped an abusive relationship @LagunaBubbles
It’s hard to get clarity of thought,prioritise to do list when you’re in an abusive relationship
She probably accepted in good faith his account of finances, turns out he lied
Best person to ask Why hadn't you sorted this out legally before this? is the deadbeat dad

You can’t not let him see his kids because of missed child maintenance payments. That actually speaks volumes about your character that you’re considering doing that.

I would stop stocking his larder if need be feed the Children before they go each time, so you know they are full. He is using your guilt to scam food off you. If you feel you must send the children with some food, then put some breakfast bars and a bottle of squash in, so you know they have a snack.

Don't give them squash give them water.

Also children who can talk are quite capable of asking an adult carer for food or drink if they are hungry and thirsty. There are certain ages where tantrums and/or screaming in public will result if they don't get these.

I take it you have full custody? You allow him visitation? Therefore their welfare is in your hands, so if you failed to feed and cloth them then yes that would be neglect. If he had them full time and failed to cloth and feed them then he would also be done with neglect

But that’s the point, that system is wrong. Not living with your children and providing the day to day parenting, should not absolve men of responsibility for providing basics like food. Most men don’t want custody, so this removes any responsibility towards bringing a life into this world and it all falls to mum, who would be charged with neglect if she did the same thing. It’s disgusting.

Non payment of maintenance is never about the kids. It's about punishing the ex

Of course its about the kids, as it punishes them too. If he'd rather punish the ex than look after the kids, thats all the more reason for him to be kept away from him.

Kids are better off without some dads. It's not necessarily in the interests of children to have that relationship.

Speaks volumes about character? What chapter is dad who financially neglects his kids in

Op character is she’s the sole consistent carer to her children

Op is getting a bit of a hard time here. I can understand why you would want to stop access, but you can't. He still has a right to see them, even if he basically what I would call a sperm donor dad.

The kids will grow up and see him for what he truly is eventually. A spiteful stingy man who cares more about himself than them. Which sucks for them, but you can't change that.

The things you can change are:

1. Stop allowing him into your home.
2. Do not ever give him food. Quite frankly in future if he pleads poverty, laugh at him and slam the door in his face. I don't care if he actually is starving, let him. He let his kids go without.
3. Go through official channels from all times now regarding payment. NEVER EVER let him convince you that you are both adult enough to handle it yourself. He is not adult enough to handle a spoon.
4. Speak to him only about the children and always remain civil even if you want to murder him slowly. The kids may say 'disney dad/sperm donor dad' is great at times, but it won't be forever, and probably never let's face it. They will abandon him eventually when they are teens and refuse to see him again. Teach them morals, teach them how to treat other people, how to not be like their father, make them into good all rounded people.

Maintenance and access are totally separate issues. If it's not been paid and you deal with cms after 7 days contact them and they will chase payment. It's not grounds to stop contact. Same as them saying they pay so they should get what they want when they want does not work either.