Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

Wow. How is FIL going to get on when he’s living with them if her DP wouldn’t like him to live with them, in their new, bigger property, for any length of time. SIL just wants a new house and doesn’t want to have to scrimp and save to get it. FIL is a cash cow to her.

So do we think that it's FIL saying that she can only have the money if he's allowed to build in her garden?

(Although why not somewhere with an annexe?)

Because the whole thing could be solved by him just buying his own place there now!

I get the impression that FIL really doesn’t want to do this but feels he is in too deep.

He could just give the money to his daughter but he told me that’s not fair to DH. We told him we would far rather him do that than get caught up in all this mess. We told him to just give her the money if he feels that he can’t let her down and then buy somewhere of his own.

The impression I’m getting is that SIL convinced him into giving them money towards a bigger house and that he could build his cabin and be part of their family as opposed to living on his own - that’s the dream scenario that’s been sold to him but I hope his eyes are being opened a little.

I did ask why they hadn’t considered buying somewhere with an annexe already attached but he said SIL’s DP would never agree to it because he wouldn’t want him as a fixture in the family home.

Well if SIL partner wouldn't be happy about it, why would you be? Although I don't think they have a spare bedroom do they?
Anyway, hopefully now FIL will see it's all madness and either rent/ buy up in Skegness, or just stay in his home a bit longer. Maybe send him a link to the thread about the 100k inheritance issue.

Well if SIL partner wouldn't be happy about it, why would you be? Although I don't think they have a spare bedroom do they?

Nor do we. Not that it matters anymore now that FIL knows he has to rent somewhere. He’s going to rent local to us, not up there, most likely because at least he knows he’s cared about by us and is an active and welcome part of our life, whereas up there he most likely won’t be included in their daily life.

I think he knows this plan isn’t going to work out but he feels like he can’t back out because he doesn’t want to let his daughter down. Like I said, I hope he just gives her the money and steps back from it all.

I think FIL can't possibly justify the unfairness between his children to simply hand SIL the money to buy a bigger house while he buys his own place. If he lives with SIL he can still pretend to himself that the money is going to his retirement. But he knows he can't live in the same house with her DP, thus the cabin.

Ironically of course the better thing for all in the long run is for him to buy his own place. Hopefully consulting with a lawyer will help with that.

And hah to the ten months.

Maybe send him a link to the thread about the 100k inheritance issue.

I haven’t seen this but thank you, I shall have a look when I’m back from work tonight (which is where I’m off to now where I will spend the day trying not to be distracted by this mess)

SIL will probably end up getting her own way and the bigger property. People like her normally do.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Well if SIL partner wouldn't be happy about it, why would you be? Although I don't think they have a spare bedroom do they?

Nor do we. Not that it matters anymore now that FIL knows he has to rent somewhere. He’s going to rent local to us, not up there, most likely because at least he knows he’s cared about by us and is an active and welcome part of our life, whereas up there he most likely won’t be included in their daily life.

I think he knows this plan isn’t going to work out but he feels like he can’t back out because he doesn’t want to let his daughter down. Like I said, I hope he just gives her the money and steps back from it all.

So are things going to just go back to how they were? I don't think I could do that given the way he's behaved. So sad.

I'm sorry it's so upsetting OP, and I'm sure it is, because despite everything you and your DH won't want to feel you're the bad guys (which you aren't, obviously).

But...really ? 10 months - 'loosely' - for SIL's promotion to come through, their house to be sold, the new house to be found and bought, the lodge to be built and all permissions to be granted? Has she forgotten the little matter of her being pregnant? There'll be the not-so-small matter of a new baby in the mix too assuming she's to be believed on this

The whole thing is frankly too ridiculous to be credited and you've done completely the right thing in refusing to play the role SIL has tried to force you into. It's time for the solicitor to spell out some hard truths to your FIL - and for him to listen.

Is FIL still hell-bent on this idea of a cabin in the garden of a house where his DIL's partner doesn't want him as a longterm fixture?

So what will actually happen is that SIL gets her bigger house, and FIL ends up renting near to you before running out of money and having to move in with you for financial reasons.

I see this thread is still going.
Does anyone know of circumstances where your neighbour has been allowed to build a cabin/house in their garden for someone to live in?

I mean if this was allowed wouldn't everyone be doing it to give their adult children some space?/ instead of grandad annexe as cheaper/ to let all summer as an airbnb.
I suggested speaking to the planning dept. Still think it's worth it.
Could depend on whether the new house is part of an estate with neighbours but seems unlikely to me. You can put up sheds/offices/cabins but not to live in ime.
Locally people put in cabins in woods etc but I don't think you can link them to electric/water.
Happy to be corrected if wrong.

This belated concern about being financially fair to DH is probably frantic backpedalling now that reality might be starting to dawn on FIL.

So, FIL is going ahead with the house sale? At below market value? Surely he has time to market the house properly and maximise his return? This is his biggest asset, and will be funding his next chapter?

@Hathertonhariden Yes, I don't understand that comment either, as surely there will be no money left once larger house for SIL and expensive cabin has been bought?

@ThornAmongstRoses FIL needs to hold off on his rash house sale, get proper independent advice, and make a new plan. He has ample time to do that. This is the rest of his life, and he deserves to do the right thing for himself. It's too important.

Is there a huge amount of difference between living in a grand dad annex and living in a cabin in the garden?
Particularly in a household where the DP doesn’t want him around and the SIL has just confirmed this again.
This just bats the whole problem further down the line, as Long term renting just increases the chances of him running aground financially. And needing you to let him live with you permanently.
It’s always been curious that the SIL and her DP insisted he should not buy a small place near them. But buy a cabin at some stage. They would still get their 90k if he bought his own small place.
This really points to them never wanting him him around at all.
It’s a sad situation.

I hope his rent is not going to eat into his house sale monies . .

@ThornAmongstRoses

I did ask why they hadn’t considered buying somewhere with an annexe already attached but he said SIL’s DP would never agree to it because he wouldn’t want him as a fixture in the family home.

I realised after posting-they want to 90,000 to solely benefit them I should think.

If he buys a place of his own there's at least a chance that he could leave that to his son!

So, he's renting nearby as he's part of your lives.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

He might as well rent in Skeggy & see what living there is like.

Although he'll see his GC, he won't be welcome in the house, his daughter will be working, they might want weekends without him!

Yes, I'm wondering if SIL wants her father 'on site' for childcare? Will save them a fortune. I don't see any other reason for him needing to be in a cabin in the garden

I would be asking FIL a bit more about he will feel living in their garden of Gethsemane with a son-in-law who doesn't want him as 'a fixture in the family home'.

FIL wasnt worried about being fair to OP's DH when his share of inheritance was a 30 year old cabin in his sisters garden. He can still gift £90k (or whatever sum he can afford) by downsizing. Especially if he buys an over 55 flat as they are always alot cheaper. If he wanted to be fair he would downsize and split whatever he had spare between his children. If however he needs a property the size he is currently living in then he should stay where he is and enjoy his own money. I can see why having lost his wife he would want to feel part of a family but the SIL DP attitude doesnt make that likely. He should pull out of his sale as there is now no urgency for SIL to have the money and the house sold quickly. Look into smaller places near OP and maybe hold out for a better price next time. And perhaps invest his time in making new friends etc and re-building his own life.

[quote SakuraEdenSwan1]@ThumbWitchesAbroad this all started over the son spitting his dummy out over being disinherited. Cutting his nose off to spite his face. This is his father, it is disgusting how money comes before everything. He has shown his true colours to his dad as has his sister. I hope he sells up and enjoys his money once his legal adviser has spoken to him. And yes I would let my parents stay but I don't have £ signs in my eyes![/quote]
Well the SIL has plopped on the thread

If it all falls through, I wonder if SIL will have a 'miscarriage'?
ie never pregnant in the first place.