Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

And perhaps invest his time in making new friends etc and re-building his own life.

This is exactly what he needs to do. I think he’s looking at the idea of a cabin and being near his other grandchildren as a way of tackling his loneliness but to be honest I think it will just make things worse.

Please don't feel shit about it. This is all his doing encouraged by SIL. If he'd talked to you and been truthful before then maybe ten months would have been okay.

Obviously he needs to cancel the house sale and stay where he is, close to you and the children who do want him as a fixture in your life. Greedy SIL can wait until she grows up to get the fancy house.

@Unsure33

I hope his rent is not going to eat into his house sale monies . .

Of course it will. How else will the rent be paid? It’s beyond me why he’s continuing with the house sale now. It’s almost as if he wants to get rid of his money as fast as possible.

It will make his loneliness worse. That's why he doesn't want to move up there now. Why he thinks being in the garden will magically change the amount of times he sees them, is beyond me. Other than babysitting.

But of course he will have forgotten how hard this is. Can you open his eyes to this, by giving him more babysitting duties with your own kids?

The more you find out the worse it sounds.

As an outsider looking in it really looks like your SIL and her partner are looking for FIL use all his money to put down as a deposit on their new house. And once they have their new house other issues will happen as to why FIL can't move in with them or why his 'cabin' can't be built.

I really hope you can get your FIL can get legal advice and more importantly that he will listen to them.

I don't see that he is "in too deep". I mean, he thinks he HAS to honour this gift of £90k to his DD, but he doesn't. She's not getting any promotion any time soon, especially if she IS actually pregnant (also debatable, IMO) and just needs the money to buy a bigger house without increasing her mortgage.

I hope your FIL gets to a solicitor sooner rather than later. He'd need one for the house sale anyway, even if it's the conveyancer attached to the Estate Agent - so he should go NOW and stop the sale.

Renting anywhere is a waste of capital - he'd be better buying a smaller property if he doesn't stop the sale of the current house, not renting.

Gosh this is frustrating - he's not even old enough to have got that "too set in his ways to change now" stage (like my Dad, who is in his late 80s and can't be swayed over most things) but is still being difficult!

For a daughter in law and a son to have been so kind to family that were bereaved, his total dismissal of ye, willingness to lie and mislead ye, move into your home under completely false pretences is just absolutely extraordinary.

I can't imagine how your husband will have a relationship with him going forward.

His total disregard for his son and his deliberately lying to him for months, shows such a deep disregard for him.

He has truly shown your husband who he is.
I think OP, that rather than focusing on patching things up, you should encourage your husband to protect himself.

I think you should do the same.

He has leaked out his feelings, so believe him.

Thank God he won't be under your feet for the next year.

Your FIL seems determined to give his money away and that is his business completely.

Your SIL has made it perfectly clear she wants an early inheritance and could care less about her father or where he ends up.

Your husband needs to make it very clear that he and his family's home will not be used as a homeless hostel for his father because he has decided to leave himself homeless and financially screwed.

Because that is EXACTLY what his back up plan is, and its what he thinks you and your family are good for.
A back up plan.

SIL has shown herself to be extremely calculating.
She will have him dumped without a second thought, that is if he ever even goes to Skegness.
Her sole purpose is for him to liquidate his assets.
She'll also ask for more than 90,000 while she is at it.

Harden your hearts, detach from this situation.
Imagine you are looking in on it, as we all are.

Detach, and help your husband detach, from a father that when it comes down to it, thinks little of him and certainly doesn't respect him or his family.

You really have my sympathy.

The idea that sitting in a garden cabin looking in at a busy house full of people that really don't want you in their lives except for the money you provide and babysitting duties.
Unbelievable.

Selling his house for a song.
His wife must be turning in her grave at the stupidity.

Detach OP as much as you can.

Being around such determined stupidity really isn't good for your health.

I don't understand how he can want to live in the garden of someone who so vehemently doesn't want him there (BiL).

Oh bless him. I think you're doing the right thing by refusing to be the safety cushion. If they don't want him to be a fixture in their house then he's just gonna be so lonely living at the bottom of their garden like a leper. I hope he stays where he is.

Hopefully a solicitor will help him see that the cabin idea isn't workable.

What he does from there is obviously up to him.

[quote SakuraEdenSwan1]@ThumbWitchesAbroad this all started over the son spitting his dummy out over being disinherited. Cutting his nose off to spite his face. This is his father, it is disgusting how money comes before everything. He has shown his true colours to his dad as has his sister. I hope he sells up and enjoys his money once his legal adviser has spoken to him. And yes I would let my parents stay but I don't have £ signs in my eyes![/quote]
Really?

You would be okay with your SIL and FIL lying to you for months? Telling you FIL would move in whilst he was looking for a place near you. Something that should only take a few months.

Only to find out at the last minute that really the idea has always been to stay with you indefinitely whilst:

• SIL think she will get a promotion whilst she is pregnant.
• Needs this promotion to buy a mythical house near the sea with enough garden for a large cabin.
• Will get planning permission for that cabin big cabin in the garden.
• But will not let FIL stay with them (In the house he helped pay for) whilst this cabin is being build because SIL's partner does not like him.
• Will not consider an annex (again because SIL's partner does not like FIL)

FIL will be stuck at their house for more then a year when he realises SIL has taken his money, the cabin will never get build (not enough space, cant get planning, whatever excuse they can think of), and he has not enough money left to buy a nice place for himself.

There is nothing wrong with telling FIL, no you cant live here, keep your house until SIL is ready to move and in the mean time find out if your plan is actually possible.

@Tinydinosaur

Oh bless him. I think you're doing the right thing by refusing to be the safety cushion. If they don't want him to be a fixture in their house then he's just gonna be so lonely living at the bottom of their garden like a leper. I hope he stays where he is.

Saying things like 'bless him' lets him off the hook I think. No doubt there has been an element of manipulation from the daughter but this man has shown total disregard for his existing loving relationship with his son and his family, has lied, made huge assumptions etc. Painting him as some kind of victim is akin to blaming the OW for stealing away a loving husband...it is the FIL who has chosen to jeopardize what he had

Just tell him how incredibly miserable it would be (as a pp said) to be sitting on his own in a cabin in the garden, knowing that he wasn't welcome in his own daughter's house (that he had paid for)!

Feeling unwanted and rejected - and increasingly broke - what a prospect for the next few years!

His daughter should be ashamed of herself.

He had an easy get-out clause if he stops the house sale and just says the buyers have pulled out.

This ever increasing time line raises so many red flags.

He's really been sold a pipe dream and he knows it.

At least that would buy him some time to really think this through now it's all out in the open.

@EggysMom

Is FIL still hell-bent on this idea of a cabin in the garden of a house where his DIL's partner doesn't want him as a longterm fixture?

So what will actually happen is that SIL gets her bigger house, and FIL ends up renting near to you before running out of money and having to move in with you for financial reasons.

I've not ploughed through the whole two threads but who actually owns the DIL's house, are both she and her partner on the deeds because if not then the partner could decide her doesn't want the SIL as a permanent fixture either!

I’m struggling to comprehend how anyone, knowing that he’d be causing very significant practical disruption to the lives of his son and DIL and their children for 3 months, however close their relationship, could then turn round and coolly expect them to be fine with that plan changing abruptly to TEN months minimum.

Anyone who was thinking straight would surely, at that point, say ‘I’m really sorry, I understand there are limits, and it’s totally unfair to impose myself on you for that amount of time, so I’ll be looking for a rental.’

But then, FIL isn’t thinking straight, is he...?

@ThornAmongstRoses

DH has told FIL that he can’t move in. We know it was the right decision to make but we both feel really shit about it.

Thank Christ!

I know it isn't really any of my business, but I have been worried sick about you, your family and the fall-out from your FIL getting his feet under the table and becoming unshift-able.

I could honestly see your marriage collapsing under the strain.

I know it must be really difficult, especially for your DH, but it really is the right decision.

The deceit and entitlement your FIL and SIL have demonstrated is horrendous! You may have fallen out with the family, but trust me - that would have happened anyway in these circumstances, and would have put a huge strain on your own relationship.

This is exactly what he needs to do. I think he’s looking at the idea of a cabin and being near his other grandchildren as a way of tackling his loneliness but to be honest I think it will just make things worse.

Probably, assuming it ever happens. Anyway you can't solve FiL's problems for him. You can only limit the extent to which you let him and DH turn his problems into your problems.

Don't let him live in cloud cuckoo land at your expense.

@Octothorpe I suspect FIL convinced himself it was 10 months of spending time with his son, as a protracted goodbye, before going to live in SIL's garden.

Now his pride is preventing from facing up to the fact that he has made a mistake. Hopefully it's not too late.

[quote SakuraEdenSwan1]@ThumbWitchesAbroad this all started over the son spitting his dummy out over being disinherited. Cutting his nose off to spite his face. This is his father, it is disgusting how money comes before everything. He has shown his true colours to his dad as has his sister. I hope he sells up and enjoys his money once his legal adviser has spoken to him. And yes I would let my parents stay but I don't have £ signs in my eyes![/quote]
Possibly you also have more room and won't have to evict one of your children from his/her bedroom to accommodate an entitled grandparent who isn't even offering to pay for his own food?

The sister-in-law sounds childlike and ridiculous, she thinks everything will work out if she shuts her eyes and wishes hard enough
she's promised her father that he can be part of her family whilst knowing that her husband doesn't want this, expects her brother to endure significant inconvenience and stress just to facilitate her wants
Has she always been a bratty princess?😳

"as a protracted goodbye,"

He's(intent on) moving from the Midlands to Skeggy!

Frequent visits (if it happens) will be possible!

It's very odd that he's not using this as a chance to try a new life there!