Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

@freddiesmoustache

If you have to ask your child for a fiver towards a takeaway, then I'd be questioning what you're spending YOUR money on.

They've been paying for their daughter's food for a while & for once asked her to contribute.

Probably thinking that with the amount they have saved her she wouldn't mind paying a fiver for her own food as a one off.

@Flowers24

It costs money to eat, well cook then if you cant afford a chinese take out!

Don't be such a shit.

I'm always bemused when MNHQ delete a thread saying "it's not in the spirit of the site". A large number of posters use it to look down on other members and try to big themselves up by belittling others.

I don’t think asking for the fiver was that bad.. Ds1 is a first year uni student as well, and I can imagine he’d offer to split the cost of a takeaway if he was at home and we’d decided to get one. In terms of the spending.. I have to admit I wouldn’t like it either, it’s maybe irrational though given as I’d mind less if it was a PlayStation or switch game. I just find these in app purchases don’t sit well with me, and it’s too easy to spend way more than you intended to. That said, at 19 I wasted money on cigarettes, alcohol, fast fashion, etc; so it’s maybe a normal stage, but just in a less than normal situation.

I think taking money for food is her one of those topics where mumsnetters will never understand each other.
A) Either you grew up in a family where everyone over 18 is expected to financially pitch in, and there's an expectation that a young adult is quickly independent and recognised as an adult.
B) Or you grew up in a family where parents expect to support children and food is shared out, so a young adult gets extra support to help them through the period of little money and continuing education.
It seems totally natural to get contributions to the financial pot from A families, just as it seems miserly to someone from B to be unnecessarily taking £5 from a teen's student loan. Either way has advantages in how a teen develops, they're just very different approaches.

It's not being a 'shit' it's the truth! If you don't have much money for food you go without a take away, surely?

@Flowers24

It's not being a 'shit' it's the truth! If you don't have much money for food you go without a take away, surely?

It is!

I don't think the issue here is the fact you asked her for £5. if this is the case then clearly money is quite tight and the fact she is spending so much on a game is ridiculous.

It's a good thing you asked her as you have revealed she has a problem with spending.

ha ha, like others my first thought was why are you asking to chip in a fiver for a takeaway?

OP if she can afford to fritter it away on games, ask her to contribute to the house she is living in, and for food.

It's not being a 'shit' it's the truth! If you don't have much money for food you go without a take away, surely?

Why? Are people not allowed an occasional treat?

Jesus!

Ultimately she can spend her loan however she wants, and it’s none of your business. She isn’t a child any more and if she wants to waste money on a game fair enough - but make it clear that if she exceeds her overdraft limit and can’t pay her rent and fees on time then you won’t be bailing her out.

@VeganVeal

ha ha, like others my first thought was why are you asking to chip in a fiver for a takeaway?

Did you not read the part where OP says her dd gets the full loan? You only get that now if your parents have a low income. It’s not rocket science that £5 might be a lot of money to some families.

The parents' income is presumably their job earnings. Why shouldn't they spend £5 each on an occasional takeaway?
The DD's income is her student loan. She's happy to spend £35 a week on a totally unnecessary game, so why is it so terrible to expect her to pay for the treat of a takeaway? They're not even stopping her from making herself a meal if she doesn't want to shell out for the takeaway.
But apparently the parents aren't allowed to spend any unnecessary money on themselves, whereas it's fine for the DD to fritter away a large part of her income.

@VeganVeal

ha ha, like others my first thought was why are you asking to chip in a fiver for a takeaway?

It's really not that funny when someone is skint.

Can I just say that max student loan really isn’t a lot.

The loan really only covers their accommodation

It totally depends on where they are at uni, and how much accommodation is. I appreciate that loans may only cover accommodation in some cities, but that doesn’t apply in all cities, and we have no idea which uni Op’s Dd attends.

My DS graduated last year from a northern university. He got minimum loan, we topped it up for his accommodation and then gave him a generous monthly allowance - he had more than enough but our contribution and his loan came to less than the full maintenance loan overall. He managed fine, didn’t skimp on food or socialising.

We could have topped it up to match max loan, but he said it wasn’t necessary.

When he came home a year ago, at the start of lockdown, he obviously didn’t need to pay out for his food, travel, social life etc, and (had we continued his allowance) would have managed to save most of it. As it was, his course was more or less finished by mid April, he got a retail job, and thus we stopped his allowance.

If she's getting max grants and loans and not able to work at the moment and you aren't supporting her as well financially she won't be well off. She will be just about managing

@RuthW
She's living at home because of problems with her accommodation, and pocketing all the money that would normally be going on accommodation, food, sundries, social life.

The OP makes no mention of charging rent or dividing up the internet, food, or utility bills.

She is on a student loan for her costs at uni, she has to pay the loan back one day, why the hell should she have to 'chip in' £5 for a chinese HER parents wanted? Its unbelievable !

"She is on a student loan for her costs at uni, she has to pay the loan back one day, why the hell is she blowing it on games? Its unbelievable !"

Fixed that for ya.

The takeaway is a complete tangent. I don’t care at all. I think adult children can contribute towards something (the OP doesn’t have to be skint for this to be OK) but also parents can pay, it doesn’t really matter!

What matters is that the girl has an addition to the game and is spending eyewatering amounts of money. She will regret that. If that was my kid I’d be very worried about her financial intelligence. I’d also be angry at the waste. £35 a week is a huge amount to spend on a game. I’m an adult with an above average salary, I love games and I play several, but I’ve never spent more than a few pounds occasionally (like twice a year?). I’d be furious if my kid was using her student loan in this way.

Could have guaranteed that this thread would end up about how people wouldn't ever ask their (adult) child to chip in for a takeaway.

No actual advice about the problem just lots of sad people blathering on about one tiny irrelevant part of the OPs post. Literally nobody gives a shit whether you ask your kid or don't ask your kid. That isn't what the thread is about.

she's incompetent with money because she's still a child.

No, she's incompetent with money because nobody expected her to become financially irresponsible.

She's going to have terrible problems throughout her life thanks to the availability of newfangled ways to run through it online - games, betting, etc - if she doesn't get this under control ASAP.

She needs to accept she has a problem and to accept help in dealing with it.

In app purchases are a slippery slope. The brain activity causing the behaviour isn't too far removed from the dynamic involved in substance addiction behaviour or gambling. Gaming is legal because there is no gambling element, but it is addictive and some people fall into the trap.

Let's put the takeaway topic aside.

It does seem bizarre to someone like me that someone would spend £35 per week on something virtual, I guess this could be a trend though, as NFT art tokens are all the rage.

I'm a bit mixed because, you could easily spend £35 in a nightclub, getting hammered, smoking, having dodgy blokes come on to you. Tbh that is what I was doing in my Uni days, and was it actually any better than spending money on a game?

Yes, it's better, because gaming is not just 'an' addictive environment, it is blatantly designed to be an addictive environment. It is one that can suck up all the time and money you are willing to put into it.

@ElleDubloo

The takeaway is a complete tangent. I don’t care at all. I think adult children can contribute towards something (the OP doesn’t have to be skint for this to be OK) but also parents can pay, it doesn’t really matter!

What matters is that the girl has an addition to the game and is spending eyewatering amounts of money. She will regret that. If that was my kid I’d be very worried about her financial intelligence. I’d also be angry at the waste. £35 a week is a huge amount to spend on a game. I’m an adult with an above average salary, I love games and I play several, but I’ve never spent more than a few pounds occasionally (like twice a year?). I’d be furious if my kid was using her student loan in this way.

Whilst £35 is a bit much I don't think it's an eye watering amount. Many students have spent a lot more than that in the past just eating out and drinking which you can't do at the moment. If she carries on spending that on top of going out in the future she will have a problem but at the moment it could just be a substitute for what is a very boring time for a lot of young people.

The oddest thing is that your daughter was asked to pay a fiver towards some fish and chips. Perhaps you are really hard up in which case I apologise. Regarding the online buying of coins or whatever it would depend how often she does it. These games are very addictive. I know that because I play one and you can get stuck unless you start paying. I would never do that as I watch extra videos etc if I really can’t work things out. But I am very mature (long in the tooth)and savvy enough to know how these makers use psychological ploys. Intermittent reinforcement for instance. So you get things that are easy followed by things more difficult and vice versa. Too easy and you are bored. Too difficult and you are put off the game. Add to this acknowledgement that you are a genius or awesome and you are hooked. Tell her the way to play is to take advantage of all the freebies offered and don’t give them the satisfaction of taking money off you.