Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

@Flowers24

No, she is on a student loan?

So it isn't her money?

"Why does the daughter need to prioritise, she wasn't the one who wanted the Chinese? Spending money on a takeaway is no more necessary than spending money on a game."

So it's no big deal that neither she nor her parents could afford one for her is it?

@2bazookas

You probably need to investigate the reasons she returned home, a bit closer. Maybe she has been borrowing money from or sponging off other students in shared accommodation.

It might have escaped your notice but many students returned home because their courses are all totally online, they are not allowed to socialise outside their flat/house bubble and if you have housemates who you don't get on with you can't escape them. My daughter returned home because she was meant to do online performing arts classes and her hallmates won't allow her to sing.

Yeah another one here a bit 😱 at asking her to chip in a fiver for her takeaway... Sorry.

She is on a student loan for her costs at uni, she has to pay the loan back one day, why the hell should she have to 'chip in' £5 for a chinese HER parents wanted? Its unbelievable !

Whilst I agree that your daughter is responsible for her own finances and there is little else to spend money on at the moment - I would still be concerned. The reason for this is that a lot of in-app purchases can be like gambling and addictive in their own right as the user tries to achieve their goals in the game. This might not be so in your daughter's case but the fact that the amount she spends varies from time to time means that there is an element of "addiction" - remember this is not a subscription and is reliant on tempting the person to spend more money!

I know people who have spent vast sums on in-games purchases and after a year they look back and say I could have bought a car instead!

On the positive side, she has demonstrated that she is controlling her money by saying "no" she could not afford it rather than creating a debt or indeed taking and not paying for it. So that is good smile

To everyone that comments that they are surprised about asking the daughter to chip in with a takeaway - I find the judgement surprising. At the end of the day the daughter is an adult and not entitled to it - it is purely a decision for the OP to make; we do not know the financial circumstances of the OP and it is also nothing to do with the original point the OP asked about.

@Flowers24

She is on a student loan for her costs at uni, she has to pay the loan back one day, why the hell should she have to 'chip in' £5 for a chinese HER parents wanted? Its unbelievable !

No one's forcing her to eat the takeaway?

If my child was blowing £35 a week on online games I wouldn't be paying for their takeaway either.

If my child was blowing £35 a week on online games I wouldn't be paying for their takeaway either. With you 100%!

@Flowers24

She is on a student loan for her costs at uni, she has to pay the loan back one day, why the hell should she have to 'chip in' £5 for a chinese HER parents wanted? Its unbelievable !

You mean the loan she is spending on gaming, is that a university cost?

If you have to ask your child for a fiver towards a takeaway, then I'd be questioning what you're spending YOUR money on.

@freddiesmoustache mortgage/rent/bills - you know, putting a roof over said child's head?

If she's getting max grants and loans and not able to work at the moment and you aren't supporting her as well financially she won't be well off. She will be just about managing.

I'm more shocked you didn't pay £5 for your daughter's treat.

Can I just say that max student loan really isn’t a lot. I got the max and after my rent I had £17 a week left to pay for everything (phone,food,transport,things for uni,clothing etc) Obviously that wasn’t realistic so I had to get a job.

Obviously spending that much on an ap on his phone is ridiculous but I can’t imagine asking her for £5 for the takeaway!

I have been with my husband for 21 years and am considerably older than him. He got very friendly with a woman at work and they were texting each other. I found out and we had a major fall out over it. He has promised to break all contact and had even moved to another branch to avoid contact. He assures me that it was not physical and has accepted that this was unacceptable behaviour, and has promised never to do anything like that again. My daughter( from a previous marriage) thinks I should leave him and has actually sent me a text stating that if I stay with him she cannot be a part of my life. I am late 60's and apart from this have had a very happy marriage. I feel that my daughter is way out of order and emotionally blackmailing me. I have decided to stay with my husband but I am mortified that I am losing my only child. She herself has had many relationships that have never worked out and I have always supported her unconditionally without judgement. Can anyone advise how to get this issue resolved.

i think in app purchases are a waste of money. but at her age i would happily blow £50 on a meal and night out twice a week, so her splurge now seems a more sensible alternative to me.

however i feel bad you asked your daughter for £5 for dinner :(. did you buy her the takeaway anyway when she couldnt afford it?

@freddiesmoustache

If you have to ask your child for a fiver towards a takeaway, then I'd be questioning what you're spending YOUR money on.

Why do people keep calling this gaming addicted 19 year old a child, she's an adult.

Why do people keep calling this gaming addicted 19 year old a child, she's an adult.

Because she’s OPs child. I will refer to my children as my children even when they are 50.

Whoops quote fail there 😂

YANBU about asking an adult who has income to chip in a fiver. I don’t understand why others here are so offended and horrified.

@Crystal17

I have been with my husband for 21 years and am considerably older than him. He got very friendly with a woman at work and they were texting each other. I found out and we had a major fall out over it. He has promised to break all contact and had even moved to another branch to avoid contact. He assures me that it was not physical and has accepted that this was unacceptable behaviour, and has promised never to do anything like that again. My daughter( from a previous marriage) thinks I should leave him and has actually sent me a text stating that if I stay with him she cannot be a part of my life. I am late 60's and apart from this have had a very happy marriage. I feel that my daughter is way out of order and emotionally blackmailing me. I have decided to stay with my husband but I am mortified that I am losing my only child. She herself has had many relationships that have never worked out and I have always supported her unconditionally without judgement. Can anyone advise how to get this issue resolved.

Maybe you should start your own thread

I'd be slightly concerned if she's been paying her rent or not, especially if you are her guarantor.

I wouldn't ask my uni dd to chip in for a takeaway but sounds like it's good job you did.

The loan really only covers their accommodation,

Op, don’t feel bad about asking for the fiver. Mumsnet is wankhole full of middle class tossers who’ve never struggled for money and think kids should full financially support and you should starve so they can piss their money. If you disagree with this check your privilege

@user1487194234

The loan really only covers their accommodation,

Assuming the child has chosen reasonably priced accommodation rather than the more expensive studio flats, then in the majority of cases the loan of over £9,000 per year (more in London) is quite sufficient for both accommodation and living expenses.

[quote Cadent]@freddiesmoustache mortgage/rent/bills - you know, putting a roof over said child's head?[/quote]
@Cadent if the OP doesn't have a spare fiver after paying the bills then takeaways are probably not the best idea.