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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gobsmacked about DDs spending

391 replies

Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:28

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 24/03/2021 10:14

She needs to learn the value of money. If she can afford to spend £35 a week on gaming, she can definitely afford a fiver towards a takeaway!

She needs to learn what to prioritise. She is still young (perhaps immature) but I would be worried too. Maybe she does have an addiction.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 10:14

Maybe the Chinese takeaway was one of the buffet places that fill up a box for you for £5? So 3 x boxes = £15?

We used to get them near our office.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/03/2021 10:17

No, but I know my own and as I posted up thread, they aren't great.
I still wouldn't expect takeaway money but may chat about chipping in beforehand if she was living rent free and we wanted one.

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 10:19

I would definitely not be happy with spending like that. We have had similar waste of money spends and I have expressed my feelings on the subject to the dcs and told them if they continued to spend money in such a foolish way I would withdraw their pocket money as they clearly didn't need it. They have learnt a valuable lesson - but it took longer than I'd hoped...financial responsibility is an important skill to develop. They often have to make a few mistakes to learn their lesson - we just hope it's not going to be a big and expensive mistake.

Belladonna12 · 24/03/2021 10:29

Apart from the fact it was quite mean to ask for money for the takeaway (if you are that hard up perhaps don't waste money yourself) £35 a week isn't really excessive if it's something she enjoys. Life is pretty grim for students at the moment .She isn't spending money going out or doing anything else students normally would.

Thewiseoneincognito · 24/03/2021 10:32

Am I the only one wondering what you can get from a takeout for £5 each? What are you all eating, sides? 😟

diddl · 24/03/2021 10:34

Even if Op could afford the takeaway for all why shouldn't she occasionally take a contribution from her daughter who is paying nothing to live there?

It costs money to eat!

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 10:46

Because they wanted a takeaway and its their daughter.....how petty to ask for £5??? My parents sometimes come over (pre covid) and treat us to a takeaway and we are fully grown adults !

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 10:46

It costs money to eat, well cook then if you cant afford a chinese take out!

diddl · 24/03/2021 10:54

@Flowers24

Because they wanted a takeaway and its their daughter.....how petty to ask for £5??? My parents sometimes come over (pre covid) and treat us to a takeaway and we are fully grown adults !
Who they are already paying for stay with them.

Presumably she then cooked herself using food that Op has bought so ate for nothing.

If she can't afford a takeaway & her parents can't afford one for her, then like a lot of people she doesn't get one.

She's still housed, fed & warm-at someone elses expense!

CounsellorTroi · 24/03/2021 10:54

Anyone who thinks that buying virtual coins/points/turnips for your farm is a perfectly good hobby which shouldn’t be discouraged needs to think about what it is they’re really saying here.

I agree with this. Lots of these games are in effect gambling. It is in theory possible to play them without spending real money, but in practice you take ages to progress through the levels and it is very frustrating. And they are addictive. I play one which involves doing up a new house. I’ve never spent more than £13 in one go though.

Would the “it’s just a hobby” crowd think this if it was online bingo she was playing?

earthyfire · 24/03/2021 10:55

I'm 42 and my parents will still insist on paying for dinner for me if we're out (of course I object). I just can't imagine tapping my kids for a fiver for a takeaway no matter how old. I'd want to treat them.

Comefromaway · 24/03/2021 11:00

I play a decorate a mansion game but I havn't spent a penny.

I did spend 99pence on buying coins for a gin rummy game when I ran out.

TheSparkleJar · 24/03/2021 11:02

At her age I think I would have got quite indignant about being expected to go thirds on a takeaway at my parents house. And though I understand why some would, I would never expect my DC's to pay to eat dinner either.

Those games are designed to draw people in. Everything online is designed to make money. Look at the "premium" memberships here. Arguably in-game purchases aren't much worse than many useless hobbies, except there's nothing to sell on when she gets bored.

Any chance you could treat her to a takeaway tonight - if you ended up not getting one - and explain calmly how supporting artists is something to be done once she is comfortably supporting herself?

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 11:05

@Flowers24

Because they wanted a takeaway and its their daughter.....how petty to ask for £5??? My parents sometimes come over (pre covid) and treat us to a takeaway and we are fully grown adults !
And we would treat our parents to a takeaway because we are full grown adults!
Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 11:06

@earthyfire

I'm 42 and my parents will still insist on paying for dinner for me if we're out (of course I object). I just can't imagine tapping my kids for a fiver for a takeaway no matter how old. I'd want to treat them.
And we always pay for our parents!
Cadent · 24/03/2021 11:07

I can’t imagine making my mum pay for her own takeaway let alone mine.

TheSparkleJar · 24/03/2021 11:15

And we would treat our parents to a takeaway because we are full grown adults!

Me too - now. And my DM would be shocked if I ever asked her to go halves. But not as a 19 year old, still living with her.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 11:22

Yes and we treat our parents to one too!!

diddl · 24/03/2021 11:30

Idk, she's an adult with her own money whose outgoings have gone down due to living back home.

Would have been nice if she'd offered to treat them imo.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 11:31

No, she is on a student loan?

Wotsitsarecheesy · 24/03/2021 11:31

I'm really saddened by the shaming the OP has received for asking the dd to chip in. She said her dd receives the max amount of loan which means the OP is either on benefits or doesn't work full time, so a takeaway might be considered a treat. The daughter might have more disposable income than the OP!

This. My eldest also gets almost a full maintenance loan (we make up the rest), plus a bursary from his university for students from lower income families. He jokes that he is the richest student he knows. I was loving the lower food bills while he was away last term, but this term they have shot back up due to him being back at home. I don't ask him to contribute to this at all, and he definitely has more disposable income than I do. I absolutely would ask him for a contribution to a takeaway if it was something that he wanted, when I am happy to cook for us all instead. There is nothing wrong with the OP doing this, and all of you having a go at her clearly have no idea what is seen as normal in many families, and what it's like to not be able to afford things like takeaways on a whim.

OP I can totally understand if you have felt bullied off this thread, but I completely agree with you. Particularly coming from a lower income family I too would be shocked if I found my kids had been spending that sort of money on an app. Hopefully as she is in her first year she will realise sooner rather than later how important it is to live within her means.

luxxlisbon · 24/03/2021 11:33

@PussInBin20

She needs to learn the value of money. If she can afford to spend £35 a week on gaming, she can definitely afford a fiver towards a takeaway!

She needs to learn what to prioritise. She is still young (perhaps immature) but I would be worried too. Maybe she does have an addiction.

Why does the daughter need to prioritise, she wasn't the one who wanted the Chinese? Spending money on a takeaway is no more necessary than spending money on a game.
2bazookas · 24/03/2021 11:35

You probably need to investigate the reasons she returned home, a bit closer. Maybe she has been borrowing money from or sponging off other students in shared accommodation.

skirk64 · 24/03/2021 11:41

YABVU and a CF to expect her to pay for the takeaway - she's 19 FFS!

As for the idiotic spending, that's pretty usual for someone in her position. Get your student loan, there's more money sitting in your account than you've ever had in your life, the temptation is to spend it. I had a similar experience, not in-app purchases because they (nor apps) existed back then. But I bought a computer, printer, scanner, digital camera, minidisc player, binoculars, games, movies, books, more books, music, all sorts of shit I didn't really need. Towards the end of a term I did regret what I'd done, living for a couple of weeks on Tesco Value beans on Tesco Value toast (it was the heyday of the baked bean wars, 2p a tin and 7p a loaf!). But then when the next term rolled around with its new loan payment appearing in my account, I went back into a spending spree again and the cycle repeated.

The point is, she's incompetent with money because she's still a child. Another reason you're a CF for asking for money for the takeaway.