Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

If my DD had the full student loan but not paying for student accommodation, I'd be charging her for board.

I don't know why so many people are suggesting the daughter needs to pay more to live at home since she is getting a free ride when the OP literally says "After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment".

So if her daughter wasn't living with Op, how would she be feeding herself?

If she couldn't afford or didn't want the takeaway, what was she going to eat?

Oh yes, food that Op has already bought & paid for!

One thing that can happen when you grow up in a family where as a child you're very conscious of not having a lot, is that when you get your own, you waste it. I grew up in a family like this and as soon as i was old enough to work, i worked as many hours as i could so i had money which i then wasted exuberantly on all the things that wouldn't have been allowed before.

Tbh if this type of thing is going on you just have to let her make her own mistakes, trying to control how she spends her money will just contribute to bad feelings. Asking for money for takeaway etc will also not help, makes her feel like she's a burden and there's a constant financial reckoning going on as part of the relationship.

As others have indicated, there are 2 issues here. One is that your daughter is spending a lot of her loan money on gaming - but students have usually spaffed money on 'pleasures'.

The other is asking your daughter (who is "staying" with you - is it not her home? My parents made no bones about the fact that when I was a student, my home was there for me whenever I needed or wanted it) for a contribution to a takeaway. Blimey! Whatever next?

Another one who thinks asking for a fiver is fine when money is tight. At some point we all have to ask our dc to chip in unless we are wealthy. Otherwise you end up with a 25yo who expects mummy and daddy to buy everything and that's not right.

Everyone hammering on about the takeaway is missing the point that your dd is wasting money on in app purchases. The fact that she can't see she is getting into debt for something worthless is worrying. I teach my 7 and 10yo about in app purchases and try and instil in them an appreciation of the value of money. For example, if spending money make sure it enhances game play, not just collecting skins or buying virtual stuff. And drawing the line: e.g. occaisionally paying £10 for battle passes or raid tokens or something they would enjoy is one thing, but if you are pouring money in you are being a mug, lining the pockets of the game developers. I think you need to talk to your dd about this.

I didn't believe the "art" comments. I found that suspicious sounded like BS she was using to justify her ridiculous spending.

I think there is an acceptable frittering of student cash which can broadly be described as 'experiences not things'. Plus "nice necessities" like clothes and food. So if she's saving a fiver on a takeaway so she could spend on a game thats ok once a week but £35 shouldn't be frittered on either takeaway or games.

Everyone justifying her shitty spending by their own are missing the point, again. As a parent you want her to make good decisions and just because some randommer spent their loan on fags and booze doesn't mean she should waste hers on in app purchases. It's a bit late to teach her the value of money but making her feel the consequences of her wasting cash (not getting her the takeaway!) Will help. Student debt is so high. Between loans and tuition fees shes going to have an awful lot to pay back and it will affect her future ability to enjoy her 20s or buy a house as soon as she'd like. I know lots of people who think oh its free money you never gave to pay back which is fine if she is targeting a low paid job. Hopefully she will earn well but then will need to repay. I think student culture is very consumer led. They give these huge loans and expect students to spend on things that students did not traditionally have: swish accomodation, fashionable clothes, expensive drinks, tech, holidays.

I'd encourage your dd to go cold turkey on the app. I don't think she can not spend money if she plays it. Possibly look at gambling support counselling as a condition of staying with you. These games have dopamine triggers designed to be addictive and reward spending. It is gambling and it is a concern.

I can't get over you asking your 18 year old daughter for a fiver for a takeaway tbh

OP: I'm going to order a Chinese - give us a fiver.

Adult DD: ok, let me find my purse.

Perfectly normal exchange in many a household across the land but beyond the imagination of some on MN ...

🤣🤣🤣 at the outrage at the OP asking for a small amount towards a takeaway when she's already paying for all of her adult daughter's food and bills.

You'd think she'd asked for a vial of he blood or her first born child!

She has to learn to manage her own money. Pretty soon she will start to realise that it’s not sustainable to spend hundreds on a game, but during global pandemic, let her have a little joy and make her own mistakes.

@CateTown

I can't get over you asking your 18 year old daughter for a fiver for a takeaway tbh

OP: I'm going to order a Chinese - give us a fiver.

Adult DD: ok, let me find my purse.

Perfectly normal exchange in many a household across the land but beyond the imagination of some on MN ...

Exactly!

Some people on here are very easily shocked. (Or pretending to be so they can get the little rush of sticking the boot in)

It's very possible that the OP's dd still has to pay accommodation (depending on whether it is uni owned halls or private). My dd is in private and has had to pay full rent even when at home.

But that doesn't stop the fact that she's been at home for almost an entire term (plus several weeks last term) and during that time it's not unreasonable to ask for a contribution to food costs.

It's entirely different if they are 18, still at school and you are getting child benefit than when they are 19, at uni and being financed for that.

If OP's daughter is getting the maiximum amount of loans, one would the assume that OP has a low income, so asking her DD for a small contribution to a takeaway isnt a crime. Millions of households on low incomes will do the same. The OP said that she wants her daughter to spend her money on nice things, maybe because she isnt able to afford them for herself, or provide them for her daughter, and that the amount she is getting in loans seems like a lot of money.

MN can be so blinkered sometimes. I never considers that other people may not be able to aford things,but still may want nice things. Plus hundreds of posters will miss the whole point of the thread and pick up on some tiny part of the post. People are 'shocked' and 'gobsmacked'. I am shocked and gobsmacked that people can be so ignorant.

As long as she's not getting into debt, then it's up to her how she prioritises her spending. It is shocking to think people spend money on in-app purchases because you don't think of them as tangible - but they're buying entertainment - like going to the cinema, the pub etc.

It's just a different economy.

*I don't know why so many people are suggesting the daughter needs to pay more to live at home since she is getting a free ride when the OP literally says "After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment""

Ahhhh ... I may have lost that point after reading several pages of people having an attack of the vapours over the £5 takeaway contribution

If someone has the maximum student loan and has rent similar to my daughter (£120 per week on a 44 week contract) then they have £75 per week left over divided over 52 weeks per year. Say your shopping budget is £35 per week that's still £40 per week left before any part time jobs or accounting for the fact that you are usually home in the holidays (we don't charge dd anything to live at home during holiday times).

I wonder why you asked her to chip in the fiver. If you think this is unusual and once-off behaviour on your part then maybe you were a little big annoyed with her about something and wanted her 'to pay'.
She would be annoyed that you seem to be wanting her to be 'all grown up' by asking her to pay. And I doubt she's feeling very grown up at the minute.
I'd do a big more digging about the in-game spending. What game is it? Is she struggling in college generally? Has she been seeing her friends lately? How's the coursework going, etc.
This game could be getting to be an addiction she is using to cope with her feelings. There could be better ways that she can cope with feelings. Is there a college counselling service where she studies?

She's in 1st year at college. That's a big change for anyone especially in a lock down situation. Unless she has been very independent of you for a few years, having loads of jobs etc already, then she's still very much a young teen going to college for the first time.
If there is 'silly' spending going on by a person who's generally not silly then ask yourself why that might be happening.

I'm an adult and even now when I go and visit my parents I don't pay for anything and I've offered many times. You are the parents so asking for money towards a takeaway is bizzare to me. If you can't afford it, cook a meal for your family.

@Happinesscomesfromwithin

I'm an adult and even now when I go and visit my parents I don't pay for anything and I've offered many times. You are the parents so asking for money towards a takeaway is bizzare to me. If you can't afford it, cook a meal for your family.

It's all relative though isn't it.

My parents are very, very wealthy. They would never ask me for money for anything, pre-covid they often took us out for meals etc.

Dh's parents on the other hand are retuired and living on a small pension plus carer's allowance. We would always pay our way when visiting them and probably treat them too.

Why is asking her to chip in for a takeaway a strange thing to do? My DD has been staying with us in lockdown while she couldn't go back to uni and she has spent nothing. I have bought all the household food. She's literally had no expenses. As it happens, I can afford to buy her a takeaway, but not everyone is in that position.
OP, I would approach her with sympathy and empathy. It seems to me as if it is tipping over into an addiction and she needs help. I agree it's a silly thing to spend money on, but saying that to her will get you absolutely nowhere.

£35 a week pissed away into the internet? She sounds mentally 12. She certainly behaves like it with the eye rolling and huffing.

She's taking advantage of her parents. She needs to understand that she's a grown up, now. That's why she has the maintenance loan - because grown ups maintain themselves. People are saying she's absolutely entitled to throw away her borrowed money on a game, but somehow her parents aren't allowed to spend their probably hard earned money on a takeaway unless they buy one for her too.

I can't believe that the focus here isn't the fact she's got an addiction to paying for things in an online game rather than it being 'what she sounds her money on '!

And who gets a Chinese for three people for 15 pounds?!

And who asks their student daughter to chip in.
So many issues here! (I'll read the rest of the thread now!!)

I think something is missing from the comments so far (apologies if I've missed it) - and that's the fact that in-app purchases are deliberately designed to be as addictive as possible. You can go to seminars as a game dev teaching you how to make your games more addictive! It's not quite gambling as there is no risk as such but the advertising tactics are the same (though they've clamped down on gambling advertising?). I would say she needs a bit of help understanding that she's being manipulated out of her money and likely the "artists" are not getting nearly as much as she thinks. It's a real problem these days with young people (and some older people!) and I wouldn't just put it down to having a "different economy" than we were used to. At least wasting your money on a pint gave you some social interaction, however bad it was for you. I know people in game dev who won't touch these kinds of games as, whilst they know it would make more money, it's not why they got into game dev.

To all of the people saying you wouldn't have asked the daughter to chip in for a takeaway, do you know OPs finan

I can remember years ago starting a thread about how much I should ask for as a contribution for food from my daughter and son in law, who lived together and both worked, during a 2 week self catering foreign holiday that I had paid for. I was absolutely shot down in flames for not paying for everything for them! But £5 for a takeaway for a student daughter who loves at home, that's very different!

*financial situation?