Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence. She should not feel shit because of her biology as a girl- end of. I’m a teacher. This kind of behaviour doesn’t magically go away or improve. In fact, sexism has become rampant and viscous. She deserves an education free of sex discrimination and abuse. Ask your daughter to jot down everything she can remember that is sexist behaviour: unsolicited touching, bra snapping, upskirting, boys going into girls toilets, cat-calling, boys monopolising space and resources, intimidation, pressure to send nudes etc. Present this to the Principal and demand that sexism is addressed across the entire school. Sexism is not a joke or just boys being boys; it is a breach of human rights and I’m sick of so many girls being subject to this abuse and it’s relentless. I’m appalled so many commentators think this is no big deal- that just proves what a problem we have- adults don’t even consider sexism an issue. Fight this. Your daughter needs to see you act so she never thinks this is acceptable.

[quote catpoooffender]@MagentaZebras he deserves both a slap and to be excluded? [/quote]
Well yes frankly. Misogyny is as bad as racism. If a child had been shouting racist insults in school surely we'd expect them to be excluded immediately? The same applies here.

@Loola81

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence. She should not feel shit because of her biology as a girl- end of. I’m a teacher. This kind of behaviour doesn’t magically go away or improve. In fact, sexism has become rampant and viscous. She deserves an education free of sex discrimination and abuse. Ask your daughter to jot down everything she can remember that is sexist behaviour: unsolicited touching, bra snapping, upskirting, boys going into girls toilets, cat-calling, boys monopolising space and resources, intimidation, pressure to send nudes etc. Present this to the Principal and demand that sexism is addressed across the entire school. Sexism is not a joke or just boys being boys; it is a breach of human rights and I’m sick of so many girls being subject to this abuse and it’s relentless. I’m appalled so many commentators think this is no big deal- that just proves what a problem we have- adults don’t even consider sexism an issue. Fight this. Your daughter needs to see you act so she never thinks this is acceptable.

I agree absolutely.

@Loola81

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence. She should not feel shit because of her biology as a girl- end of. I’m a teacher. This kind of behaviour doesn’t magically go away or improve. In fact, sexism has become rampant and viscous. She deserves an education free of sex discrimination and abuse. Ask your daughter to jot down everything she can remember that is sexist behaviour: unsolicited touching, bra snapping, upskirting, boys going into girls toilets, cat-calling, boys monopolising space and resources, intimidation, pressure to send nudes etc. Present this to the Principal and demand that sexism is addressed across the entire school. Sexism is not a joke or just boys being boys; it is a breach of human rights and I’m sick of so many girls being subject to this abuse and it’s relentless. I’m appalled so many commentators think this is no big deal- that just proves what a problem we have- adults don’t even consider sexism an issue. Fight this. Your daughter needs to see you act so she never thinks this is acceptable.

👏🏻

Vile words however....

The best pal assaulted him and DD verbally abused him.

I'm afraid in technical terms the girl is as bad as he is, so they will have written the whole thing off and I can see why.

@Loola81

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence. She should not feel shit because of her biology as a girl- end of. I’m a teacher. This kind of behaviour doesn’t magically go away or improve. In fact, sexism has become rampant and viscous. She deserves an education free of sex discrimination and abuse. Ask your daughter to jot down everything she can remember that is sexist behaviour: unsolicited touching, bra snapping, upskirting, boys going into girls toilets, cat-calling, boys monopolising space and resources, intimidation, pressure to send nudes etc. Present this to the Principal and demand that sexism is addressed across the entire school. Sexism is not a joke or just boys being boys; it is a breach of human rights and I’m sick of so many girls being subject to this abuse and it’s relentless. I’m appalled so many commentators think this is no big deal- that just proves what a problem we have- adults don’t even consider sexism an issue. Fight this. Your daughter needs to see you act so she never thinks this is acceptable.

Is calling a boy an ugly little rat OK?

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence.

A local boy used this kind of language with me when I was around 12 or 13. When I was 15, he raped me.

Because I was all shades of mentally screwed up at that age, probably thanks to my abusive father, I then entered into a relationship with my rapist/abuser and he continued to use similar misogynistic language and sexual violence against me. It was only much, much later (more than three decades later) that I looked back at his behaviour and even recognised what had been done to me.

I'm not saying that's an expected or normal progression. I'm aware mine this was an extreme case. But there's a thin end of a wedge here. If one form of behaviour is enabled and excused, it can, in some instances (I'm not saying it definitely WILL) escalate to more serious forms later on. It makes sense, if boys can behave this way with impunity.

Which is why it's amazing that a slap from a girl is taken more seriously. Girls are not as physically capable of inflicting severe physical harm upon a male. Statistics bear out how rare an occurrence this is. The comments condemning the female friend's behaviour are also overlooking the point that OP's DD was the target of a sustained campaign of harrassment by this boy.

So often the case that when a bullying victim (or their friend) finally snaps after sometimes months of provocation and lashes out, it's they who are seen as the perpetrator.

If I were the mother of this boy, I'd want to know. There would be some serious conversations held at home and it would be made clear to him that this is not, in any way, acceptable. Yes - this applies whether he'd been slapped or not.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence.

A local boy used this kind of language with me when I was around 12 or 13. When I was 15, he raped me.

Because I was all shades of mentally screwed up at that age, probably thanks to my abusive father, I then entered into a relationship with my rapist/abuser and he continued to use similar misogynistic language and sexual violence against me. It was only much, much later (more than three decades later) that I looked back at his behaviour and even recognised what had been done to me.

I'm not saying that's an expected or normal progression. I'm aware mine this was an extreme case. But there's a thin end of a wedge here. If one form of behaviour is enabled and excused, it can, in some instances (I'm not saying it definitely WILL) escalate to more serious forms later on. It makes sense, if boys can behave this way with impunity.

Which is why it's amazing that a slap from a girl is taken more seriously. Girls are not as physically capable of inflicting severe physical harm upon a male. Statistics bear out how rare an occurrence this is. The comments condemning the female friend's behaviour are also overlooking the point that OP's DD was the target of a sustained campaign of harrassment by this boy.

So often the case that when a bullying victim (or their friend) finally snaps after sometimes months of provocation and lashes out, it's they who are seen as the perpetrator.

If I were the mother of this boy, I'd want to know. There would be some serious conversations held at home and it would be made clear to him that this is not, in any way, acceptable. Yes - this applies whether he'd been slapped or not.

I am genuinely sorry to hear your experience.

But a slap is a slap, whoever delivers it. One girl verbally assaulted him and one physically.

The fact his original comment was disgusting is neither here nor there. All as bad as each other and the school has presumably been fair by dealing with them all equally.

Behaviour policy wise, all three should be excluded.

@Loola81

This is not ok. This is sexism. Boys don’t grow out of sexism and we cannot excuse this because of age or occurrence. She should not feel shit because of her biology as a girl- end of. I’m a teacher. This kind of behaviour doesn’t magically go away or improve. In fact, sexism has become rampant and viscous. She deserves an education free of sex discrimination and abuse. Ask your daughter to jot down everything she can remember that is sexist behaviour: unsolicited touching, bra snapping, upskirting, boys going into girls toilets, cat-calling, boys monopolising space and resources, intimidation, pressure to send nudes etc. Present this to the Principal and demand that sexism is addressed across the entire school. Sexism is not a joke or just boys being boys; it is a breach of human rights and I’m sick of so many girls being subject to this abuse and it’s relentless. I’m appalled so many commentators think this is no big deal- that just proves what a problem we have- adults don’t even consider sexism an issue. Fight this. Your daughter needs to see you act so she never thinks this is acceptable.

Also , if the boy is punished and the girls aren't, that is sexism. The boy's mother would have every right to complain.

@RootyT00t WTF so a girl who is sexually abused should be excluded for trying to depend herself from her abuser. Your attitude is exactly why sexual abuse is so common.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@RootyT00t WTF so a girl who is sexually abused should be excluded for trying to depend herself from her abuser. Your attitude is exactly why sexual abuse is so common.[/quote]
She wasn't sexually abused.

She didn't defend herself.

If she'd have thumped him, I'd think differently. But she didn't.

She insulted him and the pal hit him.

My attitude is responsible for nothing let alone people committing sexual abuse, thats a vile comment.

But feel free to ask anyone who works in a school if they think the boy should be excluded and the two girls cleared completely

There's a reason for that.

Even if you punched a guy for good reason you'd be charged.

Raising a generation who think it's okay to verbally abuse and assault someone creates a bad situation.

I'm not criticising the pupil, I'm really not.

But in situations like that z, if she'd have reported him straight off the bat and neither went near him, it's far more likely he'd be excluded.

Same as a workplace. Try punching your boss and see where it gets you.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@RootyT00t WTF so a girl who is sexually abused should be excluded for trying to depend herself from her abuser. Your attitude is exactly why sexual abuse is so common.[/quote]
I also didn't say she should be excluded.

I actually said the opposite. It's clear the teacher has seen wrong on all sides and wrote it off rather than excluding the girl for the assault.

You are lucky the boy fid not complain to his mother about the violence.
And was it misogyny? Children tell each other they stink. Unless your DD really did stink (and if that is the case he did her a favour - and she needs to sort out her personal hygiene) its a ridiculous insult -not misogyny.
Whereas the violence was actual.
If the boy’s friend took offence on his behalf at being called an ugly rat and hit DD across the face would that be acceptable defence of his friend?

@QuidditchQueen

You are lucky the boy fid not complain to his mother about the violence. And was it misogyny? Children tell each other they stink. Unless your DD really did stink (and if that is the case he did her a favour - and she needs to sort out her personal hygiene) its a ridiculous insult -not misogyny. Whereas the violence was actual. If the boy’s friend took offence on his behalf at being called an ugly rat and hit DD across the face would that be acceptable defence of his friend?

Hang on. You're right about the last par, but can we not pretend that the boy was doing her a FAVOUR by telling her she has a stinking fanny.

And was it misogyny? Children tell each other they stink

Read the OP's OP. It was far more specific than that.

You've got to be kidding, "neither here nor there"?? Op's daughter should be excluded for retaliating verbally to the boy's odious comments? Really?

It's clear the teacher has seen wrong on all sides and wrote it off rather than excluding the girl for the assault

Classroom teachers can't exclude pupils. I think the teacher failed in their duty of care. Both parties should have been dealt with.

I assumed it was a random insult re the stinking and that she didn’t. But if she actually does - probably a good idea to fix that..

@Tonkerbea

You've got to be kidding, "neither here nor there"?? Op's daughter should be excluded for retaliating verbally to the boy's odious comments? Really?

Quote me where I said she should be excluded.

@QuidditchQueen

I assumed it was a random insult re the stinking and that she didn’t. But if she actually does - probably a good idea to fix that..

You are disgusting.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy who was sexually abused ? She had a sexist remark made towards her and her friend hit the boy thats not considered reasonable self defence

@echt

It's clear the teacher has seen wrong on all sides and wrote it off rather than excluding the girl for the assault

Classroom teachers can't exclude pupils. I think the teacher failed in their duty of care. Both parties should have been dealt with.

Well aware of that thanks.

But whether they were senior management or not, they're not a cleaner. They're a teacher.

The teacher has clearly reported the incident as wrong on all sides, which to be honest , it was.

Going by most behaviour policies, the only one worthy of exclusion was the girl who did the assault.

And if you want both parties dealt with, they'd have had to exclude all three. DD isn't innocent in this. Provocation doesnt stand up in a court so why would it stand up in a school.

By allowing a pupil to be assaulted, they have failed in their duty of care I'm afraid.

@Loola81 you mean headmaster not principle?
Also you have accused people of ignoring the boys behaviour what about the girl who slapped him is that ok ?
Two wrongs don't make a right
He is a 12 year old kid of course he can learn what is acceptable and what isn't
You claim to be a teacher , yet your basically writing of a 12 year old

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@Loola81 you mean headmaster not principle?
Also you have accused people of ignoring the boys behaviour what about the girl who slapped him is that ok ?
Two wrongs don't make a right
He is a 12 year old kid of course he can learn what is acceptable and what isn't
You claim to be a teacher , yet your basically writing of a 12 year old [/quote]
Unecessary.

Some schools do have principals.

Your last sentence makes zero sense for someone criticising.

@catpoooffender so sexism isn't ok but violence is ?and we supposedly want equality .