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Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Coolandclamy · 24/03/2021 15:47

Why do people use racism in such flippant ways? No it is not the same thing. This is why many women from non-white backgrounds do not identify with feminism in the UK. This comparison is ludicrous and minimises racism.

MiscUser9823 · 24/03/2021 15:54

Slapping someone isnt okay, regardless if what was said. If the boy did something physical, by all means...but if it was just words, then physical violence /reaction is equally wrong.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/03/2021 16:03

Why do people use racism in such flippant ways?

You may not agree with me, but nothing I said about racism was flippant. The effects of intersectionality should make it more important to consider the effects of misogyny, not less.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 24/03/2021 16:10

@Coolandclamy

Why do people use racism in such flippant ways? No it is not the same thing. This is why many women from non-white backgrounds do not identify with feminism in the UK. This comparison is ludicrous and minimises racism.
I think it’s the opposite. Why do people not consider misogyny to be as serious as the most serious things like racism? Why is a girl being harmed and held back for her sex not an issue on the same level as a child harmed for their race? Especially considering intersectionality of the two, and the double whammy girls of colour face?

People getting discriminated against for being gay, being female or being of a different race are all deeply harmed by this. It shouldn’t be controversial to say girls shouldn’t have to accept this.

enigma16 · 24/03/2021 16:23

Thanks for your comments, TooExtraImmatureCheddar. I agree with you.

Bloodypunkrockers · 24/03/2021 16:24

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

I think it’s more akin to a black person punching someone white who called them something racist. There’s systemic inequality in this situation.
It's not really though. The person doing the slapping wasn't involved.
enigma16 · 24/03/2021 16:31

It's not really though. The person doing the slapping wasn't involved.

Yes but she, unlike many of the people here, understood the impact of his insult, and the wider meaning to all women and girls. And misogyny affects us all so his words were an insult to her too.

LexMitior · 24/03/2021 16:34

Why is it the school’s job to educate basic respect. The boy is foul mouthed, the girl who hit him is also nothing to be proud about.

It’s not a great school if it does nothing. But really, look at the parenting of these kids. I’d be mortified if either of them were mine. Low standards all round it seems.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/03/2021 16:35

The person doing the slapping wasn't involved.

Newsflash: If you insult my sex (or race) in my hearing then I am just as involved as the person you said it to. He couldn't expect that all the people he insulted were just going to smile sheepishly.

AliceBlueGown · 24/03/2021 16:36

It was a nasty, misogynistic insult which needed the school to act but not suspension or exclusion as the OP suggested. The slap was out of order. To be honest OP I don't think you are a teacher because you do not understand how schools work - not that this matters at least you got people discussing an important issue.

LittleLionMan23 · 24/03/2021 16:37

The exact same thing happened to me in year 7. A boy asked me out and I said no because I wasn't interested in dating anyone due to being 11 Hmm and he bullied me for the next 5 years for it. Similar disgusting, sexist comments that your DD got. Except no one stood up for me and I highly doubt the teachers would have given a shit, as sexual harassment was still seen as very much "boys will be boys" in the mid 90s.

You are doing the right thing by sticking up for your daughter and showing her this is unacceptable. It's disgusting how girls are expected to pander to male egos from such a young age. I have a DS and would be apoplectic with rage if he spoke to girls like that.

MrMucker · 24/03/2021 17:07

I'm struggling to see where misogyny fits into this picture.
Just because he made crude and unlikely reference to her minge does not mean he has discriminated against a woman or even been prejudiced against a woman. She has a minge and he has called it unsavoury. Yes, nasty. No, not prejudiced. If she had said to him "your dick is ridiculous like a shrivelled peanut" that equally bears no reference to her view of men. It just means she feels compelled to name call. He has a knob, so she chose to call that.
He has name called. The essence of name calling is not discrimination, it is self inadequacy. There is no bigger socio-political picture in this beyond his own sorry lack of self esteem.
People are getting triggered by this because the girl's bits were mentioned.
It's not as if he said "no, you cannot do this because you are a girl"
That is misogyny.

KittyMcKitty · 24/03/2021 17:14

@MrMucker actually misogyny is hatred and contempt of women so yes this is misogyny. Saying you can’t do something because you’re a woman is discrimination which may or may not be based in misogyny.

Coolandclamy · 24/03/2021 17:16

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy because implicit in your response you’re assume women are only white. Think about it!

PferdeMerde · 24/03/2021 17:24

If I had a child at school op teaches at, I’d call for her to be struck off. Teachers who condone violence shouldn’t be around children.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 24/03/2021 17:28

Gosh, if only some of the posters on this thread would get as aerated about actual sustained, every day, been-going-on-for-millenia violence from men against women - as they are about a slap from an 11YO girl to an 11YO boy...

And if only men would get as angry on our behalves, as women on this thread have gotten as angry on a boy who’s been deliberately cruel’s behalf....

Maybe we could begin to affect some change.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 24/03/2021 17:30

@MrMucker

I'm struggling to see where misogyny fits into this picture. Just because he made crude and unlikely reference to her minge does not mean he has discriminated against a woman or even been prejudiced against a woman. She has a minge and he has called it unsavoury. Yes, nasty. No, not prejudiced. If she had said to him "your dick is ridiculous like a shrivelled peanut" that equally bears no reference to her view of men. It just means she feels compelled to name call. He has a knob, so she chose to call that. He has name called. The essence of name calling is not discrimination, it is self inadequacy. There is no bigger socio-political picture in this beyond his own sorry lack of self esteem. People are getting triggered by this because the girl's bits were mentioned. It's not as if he said "no, you cannot do this because you are a girl" That is misogyny.
Your continued use of the word ‘minge’ (FFS) means I’m not in the least bit surprised as to why you’re struggling to see where misogyny fits into the picture.

I imagine you struggle with a few things.

MagentaZebras · 24/03/2021 17:37

@Sirzy

School won’t tell you about punishment given to another pupil.

It was an awful comment but being suspended for one comment would be way over the top.

Really? No wonder this behaviour continues.
Rollmopsrule · 24/03/2021 17:39

Exactly the same comment was said to me nearly 30 years ago by a group of girls that were bullying me at the time. It's an age old insult. It's disgusting of course it is but OP you sound OTT. I can't believe your a teacher - how could you think being suspended for this is justified. Also thinking a slap across the face is acceptable. Talk about double standards. It sounds like your DD managed it and well - she certainly had back up from her friends aswell as thd boy being told off jn school. Just get over it!

MagentaZebras · 24/03/2021 17:39

@Sansaplans

my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally

Wants him excluded for that? What punishment do you foresee as fair for the girl who slapped him around the face in that case? Of course boys shouldn't be able to 'get away' with it, but there are far better ways than wishing someone excluded just because she doesn't want to see him.

None. He deserves the slap and to be excluded.
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 24/03/2021 17:39

[quote Coolandclamy]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy because implicit in your response you’re assume women are only white. Think about it![/quote]
Sorry did you actually read what I wrote? About a third of which was about how non-white girls have to face the double whammy of racism and misogyny? What you have written is literally the opposite of what I wrote... 😂

Grenlei · 24/03/2021 17:44

It is a misogynistic comment. The fact someone might lack the insight or education to perceive it as such is irrelevant.

However when adults fail to see 'the harm' in a comment like this, it is not difficult to see why this type of behaviour persists.

Having both been a teenager and parented two, and lived fairly widely in the world, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've heard a woman make an unprompted insult of this type towards a man. It happens, but rarely compared to the daily misogyny women face.

catpoooffender · 24/03/2021 17:45

@MagentaZebras he deserves both a slap and to be excluded? Confused

JustDanceAddict · 24/03/2021 17:49

Look at everyonesinvited.uk to see how endemic this sort of behaviour is in schools and beyond. Absolutely make sure the school informs his parents of this

notaknob · 24/03/2021 17:52

I'm not condoning the disgusting behaviour at all. He made vile remarks to your daughter.

However I cannot see why a child would be sent home and removed from their education for making such remarks. It makes no sense.

In all honesty if it was me it would make a HUIGE difference that I was friends with the mum.

I'd knock round with your daughter and ask for a quick chat. I would CALMLY explain how much this has upset your daughter and that it's absolutely not ok to say those things to girls.
Ask if mum can have a chat with him about being respectful to women.

Leave it move on. Hope it doesn't happen again.