To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

[CarrotIsApple]

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

[quote Awarsewolf]@AcornAutumn whatever floats your boat.[/quote]
There was a thread recently, a poster had a new job and couldn't cope with all the questions.

Happily I'm too old for most of this!

atoms floating in space
thanks
like a dancer?
no-i like you!
hope she is getting treatment
only if I can change yours too
yes but I'm talented too
no, it's Beyonce's
you might want to google that/ my friend is an optician that's very rare isn't it
my hubby says that too but not in the way you mean/ if everyone succeeds no one would empty the bins
do you say that to all the boys

When I worked away got asked “where are you from originally” all the time. I would just say it as it is.. From x town. If colour & accent don’t match stereotype from x town and people ask again then say “I moved and picked up x accent” or “I have always lived here but my dad/mum/ Nan was from x country”.

People are interested and like to know people’s history. Most of the time it’s conversation, rarely it is checking class / background for nasty reasons.

I don't think I have ever directly asked anyone where they from. I grew up in North London and saw friends experience differing degrees of racism depending on their appearance.
I did ask a woman at the opticians who was belong me what her accent was, but this was after a chat in general and me saying that she sounded a little like a friend of mine who is Hungarian. Turned out that she was from Brazil.

I have had friends"badgered" about where they are from (usually born in London) because they are brown. A friend of mine was racially abuses, along with her daughter, whilst walking in a beach (pre Covid days), someone followed them shouting about "dirty p**s". She is from Malaysia.

I don't think asking someone where they are from, as such, in itself is rude, but how the question is framed, and how long you have known the person is relevant. I wouldn't randomly start interrogating someone at the bus stop, but I might have a chat to a friend about researching family history.

The shortening name one is rude. If you introduce yourself to someone, you do it with the name you go by.

“What do you mean?” in a frosty tone works for a lot of them.

If the where you are from is asked as a genuine question why would anybody be offended. I would never ask it now but sometimes I am interested in the persons life. It’s not asked to make them feel bad or other. The only time I’ll ask where are you from is to another white person with an accent eg French and then you have a nice conversation about how they came to the uk etc etc

@Ebony999 that was well said.

I once asked someone from an ethnic minority if she was from a particular area and explained she had the regional accent I grew up with. She was delighted!

Yes, I'd go with "Excuse me?/I beg your pardon?/Could you explain what you mean, please?", as PP said. They'll either dig themselves into a huge hole or back right off and hopefully think twice in the future.

Great tactic! Especially at a dinner party.

Have you noticed how a rude, impertinent question is often prefaced by a long drawn out "sooo". Something to home in on:-

"I dont mind people asking rude personal questions so long as you dont mind my not answering them. Ok?"

As a white woman, I'd like to be told if something I say is offensive. I think I'm generally pretty clued up on what is and isn't acceptable, but I will also own that my skin has given me unearned privilege which may, at times, blind me to the struggles and frustrations of those who aren't white.

If you're not white, you're probably sick of having to educate privileged white people. It must be exhausting, but some of us will take it on board if you tell us straight "I'd prefer you not ask that question, as it implies XYZ."

Where are you from - say where you live.
Next question is - where were you from before that. Say British place of birth.

The next question is the one that proves that the original question was why are you not white.

No, where are you really from?

I don’t judge till question 3. But it is tiring.

To the pp who said micro aggressions don't actually exist: how lovely for you, Duckie. What a pleasant little reality you inhabit.

But yes, obviously "where are you from" Is not always toxic; it's about context. If you're talking as someone who has something in common, or someone who has paid their dues, it's not the same as effectively asking: "Explain your difference to me".

I remember taking a rather pompous white academic to my favourite Nepalese restaurant and wanting to kick him under the table when he asked the waiter The Question. Then I wound my neck back in when he started talking to him in fluent Nepali.

"Where are you from?" reminds me of this

Would have helped if I included the link.

@WeatherwaxOn it's the gold standard

You are too pretty for science/You look exotic ---> I would take them as compliments?

Oh for fucks sake. Less than half a page it took.

So sorry OP.

@RobboCop

Honestly, 99% of the people I've ever heard taking about microaggressions have been middle class white people or woke students. I've no doubt some POC etc do experience these things but the vast majority of people banging on about it are as tedious as those who lecture everyone about privilege while usually being rather privileged themselves.

Resilient people generally seem to get on better in life than the perpetually offended IMO.

OP, I guarantee that if people like ^this had to deal with the constant micro aggressions you’re talking about for one day, they’d scream their throats bloody.

The irony of dismissively discussing privilege while making a comment like this is clearly lost on you.

The idea that if you complain about this exhausting parade of bullshit you’re not resilient, or you’re perpetually offended, is so ridiculous. How about we stop expecting people to put up with being treated like a strange novelty object just because them acknowledging it makes us uncomfortable?

@RobboCop

Do you generally assume people are lying because you haven't personally witnessed the behaviour described?

I teach students from a variety of backgrounds. I've had to intervene on a number of occasions when some well-meaning but clueless white student has touched the hair of a black student without permission. The black students usually sort of shrink into themselves with a resigned expression. It's sad to see. I'm white, if that matters.

So, do you disbelieve my experience because you personally didn't see it? For that matter, who are you to decide whether or not people's experiences are genuine?

When people ask me where are you from and don't accept England, I stare them dead in the eye and ask how far back would they like me to go?

stop expecting people to put up with being treated like a strange novelty object just because them acknowledging it makes us uncomfortable

Having been subject to this myself over the years, I can say that to me, these comments have appeared to be well-intentioned and driven by curiosity perhaps 90% of the time. The other 10% I just ignored them or did not engage any further.

I'm also ambivalent about the 'othering' concept. Obviously it's not appropriate if it will result in being excluded, etc. But everyone is different, and I'm not sure acknowledging this in a positive manner should be automatically interpreted as a 'microagression' either.

I hate the ‘where are you really from?’ Question.

I am a bit ‘brown’ - I look I’ve been told Spanish/Greek/Brazilian/vaguely Mediterranean- so often asked and got the exotic thing too (when younger - now middle aged ).

My father was born over 100 years ago, illegitimate. He never knew his father , no idea , black, mixed race one would assume - it was never allowed to be spoken about. He insisted he was ‘English’ and always ticked the white box.

I.e. we never knew for sure. A couple of stories told, what we think is possibly the case , but pretty much ‘hush hush’. And I understand that for him being born 1st world war time things were very different.

So - that question for me was always really loaded. I couldn’t give a true answer unless I went into the fact that my dad was illegitimate, blah blah blah.

And still people would keep pushing ‘you’re lying, you must know, why won’t you say ‘ etc

So when younger I would just make something up- I would try a different nationality each time just for fun.

But yes basically the question was ‘where are you from?’ X ‘no but where are your parents from ?’ X X (English towns) - ‘but where were their parents from ?’ Etc . They were really asking ‘why are you brown?’

"I work in a very blue collar industry in an area with a high ethnic population. Our depot is our employer's biggest UK one and we have a lot of Indian and Jamaican staff. I've literally never seen anybody trying to stroke anybody else's hair either in the office or warehouse and would find that a bit odd tbh. I certainly can't imagine most blokes doing this as it would be tantamount to sexual harassment and tbh most aren't very interested in hair do's anyway. So maybe it's just a female thing and that's why I've never encountered it, but I'm sceptical about half the stories on here tbh."

If you live in a high ethnic population area, it probably isn't as much of an issue- people will have been at school with/lived next door to/seen how their friend's look after their hair and skin.

Come to a predominantly white area and watch at a mum's and tots group. Women who are trying to be welcoming and friendly instead are intrusive as they comment on and go to touch the hair of a baby.

I have to rein myself in, to be honest, because the skin tone, huge eyes and amazing hair make the DC's so very gorgeous. I'm a pale freckled person, who had pale, hairless babies. Mine look so unhealthy alongside babies with darker skin tone. I know not to say anything, but my impulse is to comment. I bite my tongue.