To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

[CarrotIsApple]

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

@FluffyHippo

You know, don't you, that 'microaggressions' don't actually exist? It's a made-up word referring to other people's lack of tact and social ineptitude - plain old rudeness, in other words.

The term was invented so that everyone could feel like a victim, which is the big thing currently. If people are rude to you like this, just call them out on it. Stop thinking you're a victim and start acting like someone who's not going to put up with rudeness from idiots,

I don't know if I'd call racism a lack of tact or social ineptitude but ok.

It's quite hard to call out what you feel is rudeness when something thinks they're just complimenting you - like when people compliment my English because I'm not British and white.

It's quite hard to call out what you feel is rudeness when something thinks they're just complimenting you - like when people compliment my English because I'm not British and white.

Of course it is. The social rules don’t allow people to call out micro-aggressions, because by doing so, the person on the receiving end is the one to end up looking ‘petty’ and ‘unreasonable’. Not the person who made the inappropriate comment.

This is not about being a victim (🙄), it’s about being on the end of a long line of comments that make one feel uncomfortable, but that one can’t do anything about, because - see above: you’re the one who ends up appearing unreasonable.

That this needs explaining to the deliberately obtuse just confirms it.

Calling someone exotic is a backhanded way of reminding them that they are "from another planet", "not like us", "You are foreign".

It makes me feel that it's a light way of othering and that I consider aggresive

Thanks @23PissOffAvenueWF you've said what I wanted to express about microaggressions!

I suppose that intent is important to consider - and if the comment was clumsy and inadvertently offended but the intent was positive - then it may be more constructive to take the opportunity to firmly educate ignorance without shaming rather than needing a pithy response.

However if you sense that there is contempt, superiority or negativity behind the comment then that requires a much more assertive retort and actively calling out.

Sometimes it’s a fine nuanced line and hard to detect which intent it is. If in doubt check it out.

It’s a shame that you need to still be operate in those work and social environments, because otherwise, “oh do fuck off” is a great catch all for them all!

I don’t have great suggestions, but I just wanted to other my sympathy as to how fucking annoying all those are @CarrotIsApple

I think on the name one, I’d just go totally faux innocent helpful.

“Oh - no, I’ve never shortened it - which bit can’t you manage? Shall I say it through slowly for you? A - deh - bee - see. Do you want to repeat it?”

Treat ‘em like they’re thick and patronise the shit out of them 😉

I really don’t agree that asking someone where they’re from always derives from racism. As a black woman born and raised in London, I’ve had countless exchanges with other black people where we have asked each other that same question , meaning where are our parents from. At no point have I ever felt that they’re insinuating that I don’t belong here. So why would I immediately attribute malevolent intent to the person posing the question purely on the basis that they are white?

I'm an irritating dick, so I play the "why" game well. If that doesn't work i swap for "what do you mean".

Seeing a twat trying to explain their twattishness without sounding like a twat is hilarious.

For the name one I give them a nn that works well in English, it is mine and I have been known by it for years by various people (including back home). However , since it's completely unrelated it totally baffles them. Think very foreign name vs Jane.Then it turns out they can actually say my name after all.

@Sssloou I think the thing about intent is whether it's a clumsy attempt at a compliment or not it still kind of feels like being seen as the 'other' in that way - which for me is v weird because English is my first language

Though when people have said to me in the past I pretty much just take the 'compliment' and move on quickly because there's no point in dwelling - intent is hard to gauge

It's too exhausting for you to have to come up with a good response for each of these many offensive questions. You shouldn't have to invest so much energy in it and be prepared for everything coming your way.

If I were you I would practice a withering look and a long pause followed by a brief answer, or no answer at all. That will get you a long way.

@Ebony999

I really don’t agree that asking someone where they’re from always derives from racism. As a black woman born and raised in London, I’ve had countless exchanges with other black people where we have asked each other that same question , meaning where are our parents from. At no point have I ever felt that they’re insinuating that I don’t belong here. So why would I immediately attribute malevolent intent to the person posing the question purely on the basis that they are white?

I agree with you. I really love history and getting to know people if they are happy to talk with me. I take it slowly, read the mood and haven’t had anyone upset with me. Micro aggressions are a thing though, and I sympathize with anyone who has to deal with them.

“You’re too pretty for science.”

Nonsense, nobody is too pretty for science. Science is for everyone.

When someone says something insulting to me I say "how does this help me?". Try it and see their faces

“You’re too pretty for science”

“Piss off. Ironman does science and he’s hot as fuck.”

‘What’s your point?’ covers most inane comments, ime.

How is "where are you actually from?" aggressive?

Because it suggests that you shouldn’t be here

The question is very othering. It’s really annoying - you start to realise how resistant to difference quite a lot of British people are. I’m white, I have family roots to a particular place that are traceable for about 500 years but because I’ve also lived outside Britain and don’t have my “natural “ accent, I get the “You’re not from round here. Where are you from?”

Really irritating - it suggests the questioner has the right to decide whether I belong.

As a teen I remember DM telling me that if someone said something that made me uncomfortable (she was mostly referring to innuendo / sexism as I'm a white woman) that her strategy was to pretend to not understand and ask them to explain while looking puzzled. Basically her aim was to get someone to either baldly state whatever offensive thing they were alluding to, especially in company, or to embarrass them into fucking off.

I wonder if that strategy would work for you?

So 'you look exotic' 'I don't understand?' your looks, they're unusual' 'in what way?' 'well, you know' 'no, I think I look normal?' hopefully by this time they're feeling so awkward they dissappear up their own arsehole.

'you're too pretty for science' 'I don't understand?' 'you're pretty' 'thank you, but what does that have to do with science?' 'pretty girls aren't usually scientists' 'lots of women are scientists, I don't understand what their looks have to do with it?'

DMs strategy is to push the questioning and asking for an explanation far, far, past any normal polite convention. If they say 'it does matter' or 'never mind' keep going - no, I want to understand / it matters to me etc etc.

I don't know if it will work in every situation but it might in some.

• if they say it DOESN'T matter!!

I live in Australia so nearly everyone has some story about how they came to live here (or their parents/grandparents did) or are aboriginal, all of which I find interesting and love to hear more about.
But I also read a few years ago that asking where people are from is rude so I never do and although I feel confident that I haven’t annoyed any of my friends, i also sometimes feel like I’m showing them that I’m not interested in their heritage at all, which I am.
Funnily enough people are always asking where I’m from: (“specific area of Sydney” “but before that” “the U.K. originally” “where abouts exactly” “Sussex” “aha! I thought I recognised your accent, my friends brothers cousin lives in Chichester etc etc”.). I guess if I was not white I would find it annoying.

@Francescaisstressed

You're pretty for a big girl. Always annoys but can never think of a response.

I have one but its rude and arguably mysoginistic as well... "and you're very shallow for a c*/t*"

As a black woman born and raised in London, I’ve had countless exchanges with other black people where we have asked each other that same question , meaning where are our parents from. At no point have I ever felt that they’re insinuating that I don’t belong here. So why would I immediately attribute malevolent intent to the person posing the question purely on the basis that they are white?

Maybe it’s OK to ask if you share the same skin colour? I always ask Irish people which county they are from when I hear an accent.

Also many times when I have been abroad on holiday and met another British person (of any colour) the conversation often involves where do you live in the UK.

Americans are very proactive at announcing their historic heritage.

So context and intent is important.

But I respect that a white person asking a person of colour “where they are from” is sensitive and maybe should only be in the context of a closer friendship and using different words if the real Q is curiosity of their ethic heritage in order to avert causing offence.

Where are you actually from?
Liverpool

You are so articulate
Thank you

You look exotic
thank you

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!
No thanks

My manager (female) is crazy!
why?

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?
No

Are you an Intern? You look so young
Thank you

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..
Good job it's real, otherwise that might have come across as rude

When I see you I dont see colour
have you seen an optician?

Everyone can succeed if they work harder
I agree

You are too pretty for science
Is that a compliment

Where are you actually from?

“Is that relevant?”

You are so articulate

“Thank you”(? I always take articulate as a compliment - I am the opposite of articulate though and spend my life in envy of people who can talk fluently and coherently! If it’s not said as a compliment, I’m assuming “fuck off” wouldn’t be appropriate?)

You look exotic
I don’t have a clue, I’m sorry. I’ve never had to deal with a comment like that, and if I did I’d probably get the rage and be unable to give an articulate response!

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!
“No thanks”

My manager (female) is crazy!
“Perhaps you’ve had a hand in making her that way?”

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?
“No.”

Are you an Intern? You look so young
“No.” (Unless you are an intern).

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..
“no, I’ve plucked hair from every person that’s ever asked me this question and glued it on to my head. You can either apologise for your two faced compliment or I can pull out a clump of yours too.” (I’ve neither an Afro nor remotely nice hair in any shape or form, but I can completely understand why that question must fuck black people off so much!)

When I see you I dont see colour
“Bullshit you don’t” OR “So you’re erasing my heritage?” Even people that aren’t racist notice the colour of others skin. It’s outright idiotic to claim you don’t. You may not have an issue with someone else’s skin colour but you absolutely do notice it. Unless you’re medically blind, then you can be forgiven!

Everyone can succeed if they work harder
“You’ve got your head in the clouds love”

You are too pretty for science
“Good think my looks don’t affect my brain!”

@StoneofDestiny

You don't look disabled

Answer - I'm not, I simply have a disability

But disabled isn't a dirty word, a lot of disabled people prefer identity first language. I know a good response would be "well you don't look like an idiot, but here we are", or if I was feeling more charitable "not all disabilities are visible", but in reality I just go "erm"