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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

242 replies

CarrotIsApple · 23/03/2021 16:08

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 23/03/2021 17:17

I know it is wrong but I do not trust anything women say and I am never going to change

Why? - oh, got to dash to talk sense to someone

Sn0tnose · 23/03/2021 17:18

You're pretty for a big girl. Always annoys but can never think of a response.

‘Thank you. And you’re very...... yeah’

AlexaShutUp · 23/03/2021 17:20

Oh God, these are so fucking irritating.

I didn't really get the one about being articulate, though. Confused People say this to my dd all the time. (Fwiw, she is very articulate!) I mean, I get that it could sound a bit patronising, depending on how it is said, but am I missing something?

standupsitdownturnaround · 23/03/2021 17:21

Is it bad form to ask people where they're from? I ask that question all the time when I'm chatting to new people! In general I'm very interested in people and their lives, I hope I haven't been going around making people feel hurt.

Nesski · 23/03/2021 17:25

For those that was asking why 'where are you actually from' is offensive, it usually starts with 'where are you from', my answer is 'from Essex', and then they ask 'where are you actually from'... I literally just told you. And then, I sarcastically reply 'oh you mean to ask my ethnicity?'. Ask the question correctly, because you're making it out as if I don't belong. I am not white btw.

DiscordandRhyme · 23/03/2021 17:27

I'm from x.

Why thank you.

Thank you I didn't know (Brighton) was exotic !

You've been watching too much TV - not all gay people know each other you know!

Crazy is a bit of an extreme word isnt it - what do you mean exactly?

I'd prefer you didn't - would you like me to tell you it again?

Yes, no

Yes it is- yes I love my hair!

That's good because it doesn't matter

Everyone can improve themselves, most definitely

I didn't know pretty people can't do science I'll hand my degree back then (laugh)

dementedma · 23/03/2021 17:27

I sometimes reply with a murmured “you’re too kind” and a condescending smile.

standupsitdownturnaround · 23/03/2021 17:28

OK I misread and now I understand - it's the 'actually' which is rude and I completely agree with that.

Palavah · 23/03/2021 17:29

Works for almost everything :

Head tilt, wry smile, "what a bizarre thing to say" continue wry smile and carry on with your business

StoneofDestiny · 23/03/2021 17:30

where are you actually from

See previous answer.

picklemewalnuts · 23/03/2021 17:31

Rephrase what they said with what you think they meant -

Are you actually asking about my racial heritage?
Are you saying overweight women aren't usually pretty?
Are you saying that all gay people must get on well?
Do you mean you haven't heard my name before and don't want to learn how to say it?
Are you saying you don't notice I'm someone who often experienced racism?

I don't get some of your examples-
are you an intern, you look so young! Are you saying I don't look old enough to have finished training? Good genes- I'm fully qualified, don't worry!

WhoEatsPopTarts · 23/03/2021 17:32

Where are you actually from? “Actually?”
If they continue “London/whatever town”
if they ask where are your parents from “ why do you want to know? “

You are so articulate “you sound surprised”

You look exotic
“I look exotic?” and/or “I’m not sure how to respond to that”

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!
“We don’t all love each other “

My manager (female) is crazy!
“some people struggle to work under a woman”

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?
“My name is insertlongname I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it”

Are you an Intern? You look so young
“I look young? I think that was meant as a compliment”

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..
“is yours real?”

When I see you I dont see colour
“I think I understand the intention behind this, but you can see my colour”

Everyone can succeed if they work harder
“harder than who?”

You are too pretty for science
“don’t put yourself down”.

MrMucker · 23/03/2021 17:33

How about this one-
"Actually no, it's not offensive! Everyone else I know says that!"

TheLumpySofaCushion · 23/03/2021 17:33

@marigoldflower

OP, the problem in my view is that you have a mixed bag of comments on your list.

For some, I struggle to see the aggression e.g.

You are too pretty for science/You look exotic ---> I would take them as compliments?
Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it? ---> I would think someone really found a name hard to pronounce?

When I was a kid/teenager 30+ years ago (admittedly different times), sometimes people wanted to touch my hair or were curious about something regarding my appearance and it never occurred to me to get offended.

So, my take on it is, some comments may be microaggressions but some aren't, so it's not helpful to be so defensive all the time (unless someone is actually - or repeatedly- insulting, obviously)

@marigoldflower - can you explain why you think "you're too pretty for science" is a compliment?

LucieStar · 23/03/2021 17:33

@Nesski

For those that was asking why 'where are you actually from' is offensive, it usually starts with 'where are you from', my answer is 'from Essex', and then they ask 'where are you actually from'... I literally just told you. And then, I sarcastically reply 'oh you mean to ask my ethnicity?'. Ask the question correctly, because you're making it out as if I don't belong. I am not white btw.

I think that's where the confusion has come in with this question and why it's offensive. Clearly asking a person's ethnicity might feel offensive. But "where are you originally from" has another meaning of "your accent is different to mine, which part of the country are you from?" In that context, it's not offensive. But I say that as a white person who has relocated within the U.K. to somewhere with a different regional accent - so I see how it could feel offensive if I wasn't from this country originally.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 23/03/2021 17:35

Oh dear, OP.

I don’t think starting this thread will help at all.

Now you’re being invaded by the deeply disingenuous, wide-eyed, faux innocents - ‘but why is that offensive?’ crowd.

I’m getting riled just reading some of these responses, and I’m not on the receiving end of these types of comments.

You might need these - Wine Cake Gin

LucieStar · 23/03/2021 17:37

Now you’re being invaded by the deeply disingenuous, wide-eyed, faux innocents - ‘but why is that offensive?’ crowd.

What a ridiculously unnecessary comment.
I simply pointed out that the "where are you from" comment can have two meanings and gave an example of the context it's been asked of me. Nothing "disingenuous" or "faux innocent" about that - just a genuine discussion point.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 23/03/2021 17:39

It only takes a very little imagination to understand what the OP was quite clearly getting at.

Bargebill19 · 23/03/2021 17:39

For any of them ..
“Did you mean to so rude or is that your default operating system?”

In reality, I’d probably just smile inanely and just answer some of them through gritted teeth.

Bargebill19 · 23/03/2021 17:40

To BE so.

Long long day ...

TheLumpySofaCushion · 23/03/2021 17:40

I think this is a great thread, OP.

There will be good responses, and as a PP has said, some wide-eyed faux innocents, or those that refuse to accept that the world has moved on, but it could help educate.

LucieStar · 23/03/2021 17:42

@23PissOffAvenueWF

It only takes a very little imagination to understand what the OP was quite clearly getting at.

To you, maybe! We all read things differently.

TheLumpySofaCushion · 23/03/2021 17:43

And to answer your questions, OP, I find most times. a "how do you mean?", "in what way ", "why do you say that?" works brilliantly.

So many people get away with rude / racist / inappropriate behaviour because people play along out of shock or embarrassment.

Ask the speaker to explain and see them stumble.

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/03/2021 17:44

@23PissOffAvenueWF

It only takes a very little imagination to understand what the OP was quite clearly getting at.

Absolutely.

As for "too pretty for science" not being an issue... wow.

someonelockthefridgealready · 23/03/2021 17:46

Yes, I'd go with "Excuse me?/I beg your pardon?/Could you explain what you mean, please?", as PP said. They'll either dig themselves into a huge hole or back right off and hopefully think twice in the future.