To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

[CarrotIsApple]

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Oh dear, OP.

I don’t think starting this thread will help at all.

Now you’re being invaded by the deeply disingenuous, wide-eyed, faux innocents - ‘but why is that offensive?’ crowd.

I’m getting riled just reading some of these responses, and I’m not on the receiving end of these types of comments.

You might need these -

Stop perpetuating victimhood, you think you're helping but you're not. "Getting riled" is useless and not something you need to bond over - they're only words you can stop reading.

Signed
Someone "on the receiving end of these types of comments".

@FOJN

so I see how it could feel offensive if I wasn't from this country originally.

Persisting with the "where are you originally from" when the person has been born here but their skin happens to be a different colour is what's offensive.

This rarely happens. A different accent is the easiest (and only) way to genuinely receive that question without context.

@youshallnotpass9

Sorry haven't read the full thread

But the can I touch your hair?
Me: N......
Them touching my hair.

Me saying fuck off and them going but I only wanted a feel.

That didn't happen

@Ebony999

I really don’t agree that asking someone where they’re from always derives from racism. As a black woman born and raised in London, I’ve had countless exchanges with other black people where we have asked each other that same question , meaning where are our parents from. At no point have I ever felt that they’re insinuating that I don’t belong here. So why would I immediately attribute malevolent intent to the person posing the question purely on the basis that they are white?

Paranoia. Confirmation bias. It's trendy.

[quote BabyBee93]**@FluffyHippo* @peaceanddove* may I ask, are you both white?[/quote]
Yes because if they were black, they dare not think differently from the bandwagon 🙄

That should be a "microaggression" too.

Oh I have one "microaggression".

"Are you white?" "You must not be black" (When you've strayed from the party line)

“Does your husband know you’ve got his car?”

Always from older men. Always smirking.

I just reply deadpan, “It’s mine.”

Or “I’m a racing driver.”

Or “fuck off you condescending sexist twat.” in my head

@NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit I can well believe it happened. I’ve looked after a friends DS enough times to have people ‘ask’ to touch his hair to only have their hands in his head before either I or he could respond. He absolutely hates having his head touched as does his mum. People aren’t exactly gentle and have yanked at curls. It pisses me off as ‘we’ are trying to teach children about consent and how you need consent but random strangers don’t?!

@RobboCop

I'd never ask somebody "where are you originally from" as I know some people find it offensive, but I do think it's usually just innocent curiosity as it's pretty obvious that, for example, a Japanese person's descendants have probably not been in the UK for centuries - i.e. there must be a story as to how they ended up so far from their original country.

Or there isn’t... plenty of white people don’t have centuries of descendants from the UK but they aren’t being asked the same question...

Often with questions or comments like this just repeating it back as a questioon shows the person that either that a) they are being a dick (if they genuinely didn't realise or the b) you know they are being a dick. In essence you are asking them to explain themselves. To think about what they have just said. Do it a few times and it will teach them to think before they open their mouths.

You are so articulate "I am so articulate?" And stay silent, awaiting an answer/explanation - or you could add "What do you mean by that?" )

You look exotic "I look exotic?"

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you! "She would love me? Why?

My manager (female) is crazy! "Crazy? What do you mean?"

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it? "Hard to pronounce?"

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer.. "Is this my real hair?"

When I see you I dont see colour "You don't see colour?"

This way you have the exact same, easy response for each micro-aggression. Without having to think of a pithy reply. Use their words to get them to think.

Anyone just asking innocently will be able to explain "I mean which part of the West Country are you from, I am rubbish at accents so can never tell Devon from Cornwall" Or "You are exotic as I just love your dress sense. I am so dull with my jeans and white t-shirts but I love the fact you wear colourful patterned shirt, bright lipstick and fabulous silver jewellery"

Anyone being a twat (which they probably are - but not always) will know you are on to them. Feel uncomfortable. You have pulled them up - but oooo so politely - with out being in any way rude or aggressive back. You are just asking them to clarify their comment/question so they cannot accuse of being "Sensitive" or "snarky". The focus is back on them.

@RobboCop

Tbh, I find the hand wringing a bit odd at times. If you went and lived in China or the Middle Easy, or many other places, I'm not sure they'd be bending over backwards to be as accommodating as we are. Generally, you'd be expected to comply with their societal standards (e.g. women being fully covered up/not criticising the government etc).

This sounds like dog whistle right here. So are only ‘native’ brits allowed to have negative thoughts about the government?

Also on to your previous point colour is not an indication that someone is not ‘from’ the UK. There is an issue of you are asking where people are ‘really’ from.

@Straysocks

It is exhausting and alienating to be asked to explain to all and sundry why you stand out to them in their world view. On a training course. In a shop. Meeting your friend's family. At interview. To your teacher. In a queue. As the parent of a newborn. As a patient. As a manager. As a neighbour. As your date. To strangers. To friends. To the general public. To other adults as a child. Exhausting. Yes, it may be well intentioned, interesting or polite to the individual who asks, they may not have malice in mind, genuine curiosity. Regardless, you are being asked why you stand out to them. To explain yourself so that person can make sense of how your paths have crossed. You look different to their expectation, to their norm. They feel better when they can put a reason/information to that difference, it's somehow reassuring to them. Because they are the norm. If you were the norm it would not be mentioned. If there was not a divide no explanation would be required. So when you are routinely put through these vetting questions, perhaps many times in many parts of life you are being told that you are not the norm and given the responsibility of explaining why. If the dynamic was equal would this happen? Perfectly nice but 'not the norm' questions also the siren calls of prejudice or 'othering' and the short preamble to inequality, discrimination, 'nice-guy racism' plain old unabridged hate. The siren call.

This is my experience as a white woman who has lived in rural areas in other continents and mother of children who have mixed heritage, perhaps they look more like a different race to me to the people who see them in the UK. When I go to parents' evening I want to hear about that maths test, their reading age, their initiative, their role in the class. I don't want to use that time to explain their existence, muse on their 'unusual combination', be asked whether we have a biological connection or not. None of it may seem badly intentioned or originate from a bad place in the mind of their teacher but honestly, it reveals so much about the person asking. It must be absolutely exhausting when it happens to you all the time.

This post is brilliant

I tend to assume "where are you from" means "why aren't you white" because it usually does.

But the point the poster has made so well is that, using myself as example, it's 45 years of being asked why I'm not whatever they wanted.

I know some people have a "genuine interest" but it usually vanishes when they find my skin colour doesn't actually represent "another" culture.

@RobboCop

I'd never ask somebody "where are you originally from" as I know some people find it offensive, but I do think it's usually just innocent curiosity as it's pretty obvious that, for example, a Japanese person's descendants have probably not been in the UK for centuries - i.e. there must be a story as to how they ended up so far from their original country.

A few things strike me about this

But the first one is, the story of how my ancestors got here is a weird question for a total stranger, wouldn't they be better with a history book?

Being friendly would be more "how's your day going?" or if you're new in a job, "how are you finding things, can I help" etc.

I always get asked where I am from because of my accent. It’s quite unique due to a childhood growing up in many many different countries. It’s a point of interest and I certainly don’t find it offensive. And because of my background I have a default mental position that most people that I meet are not from the place they grew up in...obviously I will ask where are you from? First but I might ask subsequent questions like is this also where you grew up? Did you live anywhere else? More out of interest than any racist undertone I would hope!!

@Awarsewolf

I always get asked where I am from because of my accent. It’s quite unique due to a childhood growing up in many many different countries. It’s a point of interest and I certainly don’t find it offensive. And because of my background I have a default mental position that most people that I meet are not from the place they grew up in...obviously I will ask where are you from? First but I might ask subsequent questions like is this also where you grew up? Did you live anywhere else? More out of interest than any racist undertone I would hope!!

Do you wait to get to know people before asking these questions?

There's a lot of on-line literature on this. Including some phrases from the OP's post. Apparently it's a topic of discussion promoted by American universities

hbr.org/2020/07/when-and-how-to-respond-to-microaggressions

@AcornAutumn not really.. it’s literally part of getting to know someone!! How old are you? What do you do for work? Did you go to uni? Where? Did you grow up here, there or somewhere else? Etc etc

[quote Awarsewolf]@AcornAutumn not really.. it’s literally part of getting to know someone!! How old are you? What do you do for work? Did you go to uni? Where? Did you grow up here, there or somewhere else? Etc etc[/quote]
I would run a mile from someone asking so many questions.

@AcornAutumn whatever floats your boat.