To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

[CarrotIsApple]

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I completely agree, going to university it was the first thing everyone asked each other after name. Living somewhere far from home and having a strong accent I get asked on a daily basis where I'm from and I do tend to ask others the same thing in return.
I understand how 'no really, where are you from?' would make it racist but I don't have a clue how just asking where someone someone from would be.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I ask so many UK natives where are they from because the diversity of accents is fascinating.

So is "Where are you from" not ok towards not white person even if it's not followed by dumdum "no, really" but "oh lovely" or something like that?

Where are you from is perfectly acceptable as long as the answer, whether it's what expect or not is accepted.

On the accent side I hate it when complete strangers come and ask,often interrupting a conversation with someone else . Particularly since my answer is never as exotic as they think and they quickly scuttle off.

Oh I don't just come up to randoms. I am not that lacking in social skills😂 Just when I am actually talking with someone, I will ask if the accent interests me.

@FluffyHippo @peaceanddove may I ask, are you both white?

The "where are you from" bit from what I've seen seems to have a selective acceptance ie, when asked by someone who is also visibly of mixed heritage it's fine but if asked about just out of interest with no axe to grind by anyone else can enter touchy subject territory, for some people at least, on the receiving end of the question.

Where are you actually from?
‘Derbyshire. I actually grew up on a council estate. Yes, really.’

You are so articulate
‘Thank you. Having the confidence to speak like this something I really had to work hard on.’

Are you an intern? You look so young
‘Thank you’.

My manager (female) is crazy
‘I sympathise. I have had difficult managers, too. Of both sexes.’

Everyone can succeed if they work harder
‘I couldn’t agree more’.

@MeltsAway

Whilst I understand that micro aggressions do exist ( and the OP contains genuine examples) to suggest that a query about where one is from is always on account of racism is hyper sensitive and shuts down any genuine interest.

Hugely ironic on a thread where many people - of all colours - are indicating that the "Where are you from?" question is othering, that you deny someone's lived personal experience of constantly being asked this question.

Nothing ironic at all. The experience of feeling ‘othered’ is a personal one. Of course I can’t deny how people experience it; I can, however, say with certainty that the intention is not always out of racism. I accepted above that of course sometimes it may well be the case. As I have also stated above, I’ve been asked that question by second generation people of Caribbean and African parentage. To be so categorical about it is not logical.

@Sssloou

I suppose that intent is important to consider - and if the comment was clumsy and inadvertently offended but the intent was positive - then it may be more constructive to take the opportunity to firmly educate ignorance without shaming rather than needing a pithy response.

However if you sense that there is contempt, superiority or negativity behind the comment then that requires a much more assertive retort and actively calling out.

Sometimes it’s a fine nuanced line and hard to detect which intent it is. If in doubt check it out.

Why do you think it’s the responsibility of non white or not BRITISH people to educate those so called clumsy people?

I think by now it should be obvious to everyone that

• not all british are white
• you can be a woman/pretty and. A scientist etc...

Are you the intern I’m replacing, you look young .... no I’m your boss. I thought it was amazing. I took it as a compliment 🤣😂

Re where are you from?

I’m not british and you can hear it.
That sort of question asked within 2 mins of meeting is an aggression and in 90+% of cases, xenophobic. Same when said question is disconnected to what we are talking about.

The same question after we’ve had a chat for a while and in the right context is ok.

@StoneofDestiny

When I lived in England for many years I was always asked where I was actually from. Never saw it as an insult.

It's a question that is asked all over the world, I've been asked it. Only in the UK people are keen to take offence though.

@callmeH I'm glad you have the divine knowledge to unilaterally speak for the rest of the immigrants across the world.

[quote Nesski]@callmeH I'm glad you have the divine knowledge to unilaterally speak for the rest of the immigrants across the world.[/quote]
Thank you, you're very kind1

I'd feel sick if someone called me exotic, that is really not a compliment, it's creepy

A lot of these are clumsy compliments and I would not be keen to try to make people feel small and stupid for saying them.

My poor mil once told someone how beautiful their baby’s skin colour was. Parents were Indian/white.

Someone then told her she was really racist.
MIL was a really kind lady who loved talking to people. Not nasty in any way.

"I don't understand what you mean, please explain" to all of them

@picklemewalnuts

Rephrase what they said with what you think they meant -

Are you actually asking about my racial heritage?
Are you saying overweight women aren't usually pretty?
Are you saying that all gay people must get on well?
Do you mean you haven't heard my name before and don't want to learn how to say it?
Are you saying you don't notice I'm someone who often experienced racism?

I don't get some of your examples-
are you an intern, you look so young! Are you saying I don't look old enough to have finished training? Good genes- I'm fully qualified, don't worry!

This is a great idea. I will try and do this whenever a silly question like this gets asked

It is exhausting and alienating to be asked to explain to all and sundry why you stand out to them in their world view. On a training course. In a shop. Meeting your friend's family. At interview. To your teacher. In a queue. As the parent of a newborn. As a patient. As a manager. As a neighbour. As your date. To strangers. To friends. To the general public. To other adults as a child. Exhausting. Yes, it may be well intentioned, interesting or polite to the individual who asks, they may not have malice in mind, genuine curiosity. Regardless, you are being asked why you stand out to them. To explain yourself so that person can make sense of how your paths have crossed. You look different to their expectation, to their norm. They feel better when they can put a reason/information to that difference, it's somehow reassuring to them. Because they are the norm. If you were the norm it would not be mentioned. If there was not a divide no explanation would be required. So when you are routinely put through these vetting questions, perhaps many times in many parts of life you are being told that you are not the norm and given the responsibility of explaining why. If the dynamic was equal would this happen? Perfectly nice but 'not the norm' questions also the siren calls of prejudice or 'othering' and the short preamble to inequality, discrimination, 'nice-guy racism' plain old unabridged hate. The siren call.

This is my experience as a white woman who has lived in rural areas in other continents and mother of children who have mixed heritage, perhaps they look more like a different race to me to the people who see them in the UK. When I go to parents' evening I want to hear about that maths test, their reading age, their initiative, their role in the class. I don't want to use that time to explain their existence, muse on their 'unusual combination', be asked whether we have a biological connection or not. None of it may seem badly intentioned or originate from a bad place in the mind of their teacher but honestly, it reveals so much about the person asking. It must be absolutely exhausting when it happens to you all the time.

[quote BabyBee93]**@FluffyHippo* @peaceanddove* may I ask, are you both white?[/quote]
I'm Black, not that it matters or has any relation to my opinion. Seeing as we're asking, what colour skin do you have?

@ekidmxcl

A lot of these are clumsy compliments and I would not be keen to try to make people feel small and stupid for saying them.

I bet you're not getting them a lot though, are you?

@LucieStar

How is "where are you actually from?" aggressive? My accent is different to the region where I live because I grew up in a different part of the country but my accent is an easy one to place, so I get asked this a lot. Or "where are you from originally? You don't sound local!". I've literally not once found this offensive.

It's not aggressive or a microaggression. It shouldn't be offensive either but there we go.

@Gerla

I don't really understand why the name one is offensive - at least they asked and you can say no. I don't love it when people change my name without asking but perhaps they do find it hard to pronounce.

It shouldn't be offensive but taking offence is trendy.

@FluffyHippo

You know, don't you, that 'microaggressions' don't actually exist? It's a made-up word referring to other people's lack of tact and social ineptitude - plain old rudeness, in other words.

The term was invented so that everyone could feel like a victim, which is the big thing currently. If people are rude to you like this, just call them out on it. Stop thinking you're a victim and start acting like someone who's not going to put up with rudeness from idiots,

YY

@lagerandblack

How are these comments aggressive OP?

Most of them aren't. 🙄