To ask you for a short and quick response to these microaggressive questions/comments?

[CarrotIsApple]

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

AlexaShutUp I think it's often used with the implication "you're surprisingly articulate for (e.g.) a black person". Obviously different if it's said to a child as you wouldn't necessarily expect them to be articulate due to their age, so there's no negative undertone. Or it could be genuine admiration, if you really do feel like someone is better at articulating things than you - all depends on context.

Re. "where are you from", if I'm making polite small talk I usually ask people "So are you from round here originally, or...?" and let them answer. Or if they have an very distinct accent, "Where are you from? I mean Scotland, obviously, but which part?" Tbh unless it's very obvious because of accent (or because you live in a tiny village where you know everyone) I think it can come across a bit rude to assume that anyone isn't local, regardlesss of race!

I find ‘how do you mean?’ Is quite a good and non loaded way to come back to a lot of statements like this. Forcing people to explain what they’re getting at usually makes them realise it was a silly/offensive question.

I also think ‘ok’ is quite good to the comment about eg hair - With an according tone of voice/facial expression!

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Oh dear, OP.

I don’t think starting this thread will help at all.

Now you’re being invaded by the deeply disingenuous, wide-eyed, faux innocents - ‘but why is that offensive?’ crowd.

I’m getting riled just reading some of these responses, and I’m not on the receiving end of these types of comments.

You might need these -

Are you talking about me with the where are you actually from question?

In my job I have 1-2-1s with people all day long and the vast majority aren't British. I've got to make conversation and develop a rapport quickly and learn about them. One of my go-to conversations is asking where they're from.

I'd be mortified if I was making people feel uncomfortable.

If you shut people down immediately when they're trying to understand why something is offensive then you've got to ask yourself if you enjoy seeing the worst in people as default. You must have a pretty uncharitable disposition if you assume everyone is out to be deliberately rude and inconsiderate.

I would say bear in mind the intention.

My mother, who is in her 70s, had just had a emergency op and nearly died. She asked a nurse, who was from the Philippines, where she was from. It definitely would have been something she had said in conversation. I know my mother was not coming from a place of racism but the lady got very defensive and said she'd lived here 18 years and knew what she was doing. My mum looked so bewildered and I nearly said something.

so I see how it could feel offensive if I wasn't from this country originally.

Persisting with the "where are you originally from" when the person has been born here but their skin happens to be a different colour is what's offensive.

Ask them to repeat what they have said at least twice. Lol

It's difficult because quite often people say these things with the best of intentions but I can see how it must feel exhausting if you see a pattern. I'm not sure microaggressions is a term I would use for some of those but then I'll probably just be told to 'check my privilege'. It is becoming difficult to actually have meaningful conversations about these issues because the spectrum of possible offence is so broad.

@LucieStar have you ever been asked in Glasgow (for example) where you were from (which is Glasgow) by a fellow glaswegion ? And all this whilst speaking in a perfectly clear glaswegion accent?

In my job I have 1-2-1s with people all day long and the vast majority aren't British. I've got to make conversation and develop a rapport quickly and learn about them. One of my go-to conversations is asking where they're from.

There's nothing wrong with asking where someone's from. Nobody has said there is.

But if they say "Manchester" and you reply "but where are you actually from?" because you don't think they look English, that can be offensive.

I can relate to someone upthread. I was speaking to someone who I thought was from somewhere else as they had a very strong accent which sounded nothing like anybody from here. I told her that and she was really annoyed and said she was born in the UK and always lived here.

I also mistook a 37 year old for a 17 year old. Thought they would like that but again, very angry and insulted. I have never met anyone who looked so young at 37 however. Still can't actually believe she is that age but I think she took it as a dig at her personality rather than her just looking extremely young for her age.

Was only trying to make conversation in both cases.

You need just one or two phrases to throw back the work in every situation....

“What do you mean by that?”

Or

“Is that what you think?”

@standupsitdownturnaround the question from OP is different to what you're asking so you're fine. However, isn't there something else you can ask to build a rapport? Sometimes individuals, especially those that aren't white, feel a bit uncomfortable with being asked this question as 1) sometimes we question what the relevance of the question is (some people are sensitive) and 2) there are a lot of other interesting stuff they can talk about. This is talking from experience, typically from a work perspective/colleague asking we know that it doesn't come from a bad place compared to say a kebab shop after a night out.

I think it's often used with the implication "you're surprisingly articulate for (e.g.) a black person". Obviously different if it's said to a child as you wouldn't necessarily expect them to be articulate due to their age, so there's no negative undertone.

Thanks for the explanation @psychomath. I hope I didn't offend anyone by asking the question, this one genuinely just didn't compute in my head.

I'm now wondering if people have been saying "you're so articulate" to dd all these years meaning "you're so articulate for a mixed race kid"....

@CarrotIsApple

Where are you actually from?

You are so articulate

You look exotic

You are gay? Let me introduce you to my friend who is also gay...she/he would love you!

My manager (female) is crazy!

Your name is so hard to pronounce, can I shorten it?

Are you an Intern? You look so young

Is that your real hair? Ohh I love afro! My friend had it but hers was longer..

When I see you I dont see colour

Everyone can succeed if they work harder

You are too pretty for science

Feel free to add examples you need quick and polite but very hard hitting response to

I came out of my mother’s vagina

I’m articulate in 5 languages.

You look bland.

Let me introduce you to my straight sister - shes desperate

My manager doesn’t have a mental illness

Can I shorten yours to racist?

I’m actually the CEO

No, It’s a wig made from the hair of dead people

Are you colour blind?

Off you pop then... one day you too might be successful

And you're a dick

[quote Doingtheboxerbeat]@LucieStar have you ever been asked in Glasgow (for example) where you were from (which is Glasgow) by a fellow glaswegion ? And all this whilst speaking in a perfectly clear glaswegion accent?[/quote]

Sorry but I don't understand your question.

And no - that isn't disingenuous.

I genuinely can't make head nor tail of what you've just asked me.

@FOJN

so I see how it could feel offensive if I wasn't from this country originally.

Persisting with the "where are you originally from" when the person has been born here but their skin happens to be a different colour is what's offensive.

Which makes perfect sense, thank you.

@Soontobe60 😂😂😂

@standupsitdownturnaround

Completely agree

[quote Nesski]@standupsitdownturnaround the question from OP is different to what you're asking so you're fine. However, isn't there something else you can ask to build a rapport? Sometimes individuals, especially those that aren't white, feel a bit uncomfortable with being asked this question as 1) sometimes we question what the relevance of the question is (some people are sensitive) and 2) there are a lot of other interesting stuff they can talk about. This is talking from experience, typically from a work perspective/colleague asking we know that it doesn't come from a bad place compared to say a kebab shop after a night out.[/quote]
Thanks, this is helpful. I've got a mental list of questions I like to ask, mainly about work/food/hobbies/books and TV etc.

I will be more conscious of focussing in on differences. I hope my genuine interest in people and their lives comes across but don't want to make anyone feel out of place.

I get what you are saying op but am useless with pithy come backs.

I have experienced micro-aggressions related to disability discrimination. A cashier at a garden centre told me: "My Grandson used to behave like that but I just told him to stop". I asked her how old her gs was when he displayed those behaviours and it turned out he was a toddler, whereas my obviously disabled son was 7 at the time.

My favourite response is to plaster a vague smile on my face and pretend I hadn't heard. That one works surprisingly well.

Too pretty for science? Sounds like a throwback to the 1950s!

I think the where are you from comment can be taken that way because racism is still a problem.

I am olive skinned and have an Italian name. Many people assume I have an Italian parent but I don't.I have no problem people thinking of me as Italian. Iguess because people are not racist towards Italians.

I would have no problem people thinking I am Asian either but that's unlikely and I haven't been the butt of racism all my life anyway so the context would be different for me.

It's such a tricky one. When will we be at the stage where the question be as innocuous as the Italian question?

The word micro aggression really boils my piss.

You look good, for your age

That is something my daughter says to me @MoonCatcher. I usually laugh it off and correct her and say just you lookgood sounds better