Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nan won't have vaccine

295 replies

PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 09:57

But expects everyone to still be happy to meet with her once restrictions lift.

What would you do?

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered. Which is her choice of course but I obviously wouldn't feel that way about potentially having killed my Nan if I were the one to pass anything on!

She is 80. I am in my late 20s with young children in primary so still going to be a bit of a risk factor for a while.

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 14:48

@Oooohbehave

Again, I am being blackmailed by someone I have been seeing throughout the pandemic. All of a sudden they want to withdrawal contact because I wont have the vaccine. They are doing so to try and manipulate me into having it. It has nothing to do with them feeling unsafe. By the way, this is some lied to me about their drinking so I would not withdrawal contact from them.

Also, I am not an anti-vaxxer. I am ex-NHS and had all the going jabs. I don't watch YT, or go to any anti-vaxx sites. I am someone with an extreme needle and medical phobia. It is both irrational fear, and based on a traumatic experience. Even my own GP knows and never pushes for blood tests etc because my reaction can be extreme and dangerous. Hence why I said I wont be having it due to mental health reasons.

ddl1 · 24/03/2021 15:13

I take it you have never lied about a damn thing in your life then? Especially to avoid conflict? Why is it the most terrible thing for me to lie to maintain a relationship, but not for someone to emotionally blackmail me?

Like most people, I have occasionally told lies. But I don't think I have ever done so in situations where my lie could actually put the other person in a danger that they could have taken steps to avoid if I'd told the truth.

TheKeatingFive · 24/03/2021 15:18

But I don't think I have ever done so in situations where my lie could actually put the other person in a danger that they could have taken steps to avoid if I'd told the truth.

This.

People have the right to try to accurately gauge their risk exposure and act accordingly. Lying about having the vaccine takes that away from them. I’d find that hard to forgive if I found out.

XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 15:20

@ddl1

I take it you have never lied about a damn thing in your life then? Especially to avoid conflict? Why is it the most terrible thing for me to lie to maintain a relationship, but not for someone to emotionally blackmail me?

Like most people, I have occasionally told lies. But I don't think I have ever done so in situations where my lie could actually put the other person in a danger that they could have taken steps to avoid if I'd told the truth.

Me lying is not putting them in danger... because I already see them regularly! They are trying to blackmail me. Why is no one addressing that?
IrmaFayLear · 24/03/2021 15:28

That is not blackmail.

Lying about having the vaccine.... well, I don’t think there is a word for someone who would do that.

If someone who claimed to be near and dear to me did that I can’t imagine I would ever want to speak to them again.

oblada · 24/03/2021 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ddl1 · 24/03/2021 15:33

Again, I am being blackmailed by someone I have been seeing throughout the pandemic. All of a sudden they want to withdrawal contact because I wont have the vaccine. They are doing so to try and manipulate me into having it. It has nothing to do with them feeling unsafe. By the way, this is some lied to me about their drinking so I would not withdrawal contact from them.

Also, I am not an anti-vaxxer. I am ex-NHS and had all the going jabs. I don't watch YT, or go to any anti-vaxx sites. I am someone with an extreme needle and medical phobia. It is both irrational fear, and based on a traumatic experience. Even my own GP knows and never pushes for blood tests etc because my reaction can be extreme and dangerous. Hence why I said I wont be having it due to mental health reasons.

OK, I have now read this. I think that people, certainly myself, would not have given you so much grief if you had said at the beginning that you didn't want to be vaccinated due to an extreme needle phobia. Without this information, it did sound like one of those 'nobody's going to tell me what to do; it's just like Nazi Germany or North Korea!; why should we pander to the cowards who are scared of Covid?' posts.

Have you told your friend that this is the reason why you are refusing vaccination? If you have, and she's still abusive about it, then I don't think she's that much of a friend anyway. If you haven't, you should tell her. But not lie to her (if you wish to continue to meet her), because then she can make her choice about e.g. only meeting outdoors or with a wide-open window; keeping 2m away from you, etc.

As regards your dad, the fact that he has also lied to you about important matters does make it a bit less culpable of you (NOT because I believe in 'tit for tat', but because he's less likely to assume that you are automatically speaking the truth if he's a bit of a liar himself). But I don't think that his refusing to meet you unless you get vaccinated is necessarily just emotional blackmail, just because he was willing to meet you before but not in the future. Right now we are in lockdown, and you wouldn't get much exposure anyway unless you're a key worker. In the near future, we'll be opening up, and we'll all get a little more exposure, so he may be more concerned about his exposure to you. If you are in an age range that's currently being offered the vaccine, your dad must be fairly elderly and potentially vulnerable. I assume he's already had his first jab. Would he be willing to come to some sort of compromise that until he's had his second jab, you will only meet outside or 2m apart; with both of you wearing masks, etc.? Again, have you told him why you're not getting it?

XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 15:34

@IrmaFayLear

That is not blackmail.

Lying about having the vaccine.... well, I don’t think there is a word for someone who would do that.

If someone who claimed to be near and dear to me did that I can’t imagine I would ever want to speak to them again.

No, you are right. Blackmail is the wrong term. They are trying to manipulate me. Still a pretty shit thing to do, no?
IrmaFayLear · 24/03/2021 15:36

I’ve never harassed anyone online or otherwise. I just don’t like the thought of someone proud of behaving in a sneaky way over something very, very important and dressing it up as “oh, poor me” instead of being ashamed to admit such a thing.

jellybellybanana · 24/03/2021 16:22

Again, I am being blackmailed by someone I have been seeing throughout the pandemic. All of a sudden they want to withdrawal contact because I wont have the vaccine

You're not being blackmailed, and nobody has to have contact with you. Maybe they just don't want to see you anymore.

XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 16:28

@IrmaFayLear

I’ve never harassed anyone online or otherwise. I just don’t like the thought of someone proud of behaving in a sneaky way over something very, very important and dressing it up as “oh, poor me” instead of being ashamed to admit such a thing.
I am not proud of it at all, so I have no idea where you got that from.
XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 16:29

@jellybellybanana

Again, I am being blackmailed by someone I have been seeing throughout the pandemic. All of a sudden they want to withdrawal contact because I wont have the vaccine

You're not being blackmailed, and nobody has to have contact with you. Maybe they just don't want to see you anymore.

It is my own father, who is my support bubble.
XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 16:43

@ddl1 thank you for your reply. I had to step away for a bit. Is silly how words on a screen can get to you.

I did say in my first post that I will be declining the vaccine on the grounds of mental health.

My friend knows my history and why I wont be having the vaccine. I still got called all sorts. Hypocritical of them really when they have been having people round for knees up throughout the pandemic. I am not going to make much of an effort to keep in touch with them any more. Like you said, they are not much of a friend anyway. They were always very ignorant about mental health issues.

My dad has had his first jab (he is late 60s). Neither of us work or leave the house much so are low risk anyway. He knows my reasons for declining the jab, but his reason to coerce me into having is he has said for my own safety. Seeing as I am in a horrid depression at the moment and wish I was not here, my own safety means little to me. My mum will probably talk some sense into him but he is a stubborn arsehole. I don't want to lie (and I never implied or said I was proud of doing so, so no idea why several people have said that), but I also don't want to be coerced into something with the use of ultimatums.

jellybellybanana · 24/03/2021 16:54

It is my own father, who is my support bubble

That doesn't change my point.

IrmaFayLear · 24/03/2021 16:56

So he’s not blackmailing or manipulating you - he is concerned about you. If you were my dc I would be persuading you to get the vaccination for your own protection. I’m sure I sound like an arsehole when I am “persuading” my dcs to do something for their own good!

Fwiw it’s not like a normal injection - I couldn’t feel anything and actually asked if they had actually done it as I was worried the person had missed! Perhaps your surgery can offer some reassurance and extra support for you. So much better than arguing with people and falling out and even having to lie about having the vaccination. One second of bravery would bring you so much peace.

XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 17:03

@IrmaFayLear

So he’s not blackmailing or manipulating you - he is concerned about you. If you were my dc I would be persuading you to get the vaccination for your own protection. I’m sure I sound like an arsehole when I am “persuading” my dcs to do something for their own good!

Fwiw it’s not like a normal injection - I couldn’t feel anything and actually asked if they had actually done it as I was worried the person had missed! Perhaps your surgery can offer some reassurance and extra support for you. So much better than arguing with people and falling out and even having to lie about having the vaccination. One second of bravery would bring you so much peace.

Maybe so, but his method is shit at best and wont change my mind.

Thanks but it is not about pain. It is about something penetrating me, something going into me, the setting it happens in, and the fact someone is doing it to me. I can't even have my blood pressure taken. I wont let anyone near me.

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 24/03/2021 17:03

@Ladyks3

I mean she’s 83. Isn’t the average life span 81 here? No matter what illness she may or may not catch, the ultimate cause of death at 83 would simply be old age. I would spend as much time as possible with her while you can, how bad would you feel if she died of something non-covid related & you had refused to see her? Both of my grandmothers died last year- neither from covid. Would give anything to have had that opportunity to see them.
I see your point but gasping for breath is a horrid way to go.
Oooohbehave · 24/03/2021 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 17:11

YANBU. What if she gets it and passes it on? I wouldn't want her near my shielding mum, who was scared but still had her jab.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 17:12

The vaccines don't provide 100% protection, we all need to do our bit.

May17th · 24/03/2021 17:12

People fussing like OP are making things worse.

Leave people alone. OP has no right to push her views on her nan. When I am 80 (long time yet) I will make my own choices as I do now.. even more so at 80!

WATSFORTEA · 24/03/2021 17:15

Her choice. No need to make such a big deal out of it. But don't use it as an excuse to not visit her. She is your Nan. If you are concerned for yourself (20 year olds are not at risk) wear a mask when you visit and wash your hands like you would do when you go round the shops!!

Cadent · 24/03/2021 17:17

@May17th

People fussing like OP are making things worse.

Leave people alone. OP has no right to push her views on her nan. When I am 80 (long time yet) I will make my own choices as I do now.. even more so at 80!

The point is that OP should not feel obliged to meet her gran unless she has had the vaccine. So really the nan should leave OP alone.
May17th · 24/03/2021 17:19

@Cadent My concern was us passing it to her not the other way around.

Life is too short. If that what OP wishes to do not see her grab I do not have an opinion on that... it’s her own choice

WATSFORTEA · 24/03/2021 17:19

@XenoBitch I wouldn't think twice about meeting you Xeno as I don't believe in scare tactics and do not live in fear of the 'what if' scenarios.
I have had to food shop in actual shops the past year and I've seen many people not wearing a mask but I mind my own business.

Swipe left for the next trending thread