Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

Can you have a chat with your friend? Maybe carefully raise the impact of covid to friend's financial situations? Say if 70% of people cannot afford the time or money, it may help in re-setting expectations.

YANBU, I hope she'll understand that

YANBU. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Friend wanted a very expensive hen, I was trying to save money and wouldn't hear it that someone didn't want to spend 1.5k on a "once in a lifetime" hen do.

She wasn't happy that I said no, I had my wedding invite revoked and she didn't speak to me for 9 months.

I went on a hen do to Marbella a few years ago.

Just to warn you, Marbella is hen-do central for Brits abroad (at least it was then, and I can't imagine it's changed). The nightclubs are after every last penny. There is an extortionate minimum spend in order to get a table, the drinks are hugely overpriced and it will be very, very difficult to stick to a lowish budget once you're actually on a night out.

I'm just bringing this up, because it's not just going to be the flights and hotel and then the usual going out expenses. It's going to be flight, hotel, plus some very expensive nights out on top of it all.

You could shit stir and tell the MOB that the last hen do you went to abroad was paid for by the MOB who remortgaged to cover the cost of her daughter's wedding and hen do, feeling it incredibly unreasonable to expect people, who were struggling to afford to buy their own homes, to lay out such a huge amount from their savings on a holiday they would otherwise forego. You could even say it's becoming a thing now 😈.

Wow. Back in the day my hen was a night at a local restaurant which probably cost everyone about £60!

I could afford this financially, but I would choose not too to spend a good chunk of my holiday allowance from work on going abroad with potential strangers and get bullied into doing things to keep the bride happy.

It sounds like the tone has been set and once you are there you will be doing as instructed p, because that’s what the bride wants, regardless of cost as it will only be another £50 and you don’t want to upset her.

Whatever you do with your money is up to you as regards your wedding. I would be more willing to take my in-laws abroad than I would be to go on this hen do.

I'd just say to her, if that's what she wants to do then that's fine but you cannot afford it, so you hope she has a lovely time but you won't be coming along.

I was unable to go to my best friend's overseas hen do because I was involved in a car crash that wrote my car off a few days prior - i was in too much pain to go, plus needed to salvage what money I could to get a new car. Friend was understanding because FRIENDS do understand these things - bridezillas who have no comprehension of other people's circumstances, finances or feelings are not actually that good as a friend.

Again, just say you can't afford it and won't be going.

Also you don’t know if the Covid situation is going to be resolved by then, anything could happen in a year so finances could be worse. Or you could be having a highly restrictive holiday due to the virus.

Due to the uncertainty of everything, I don’t think I know anyone who has booked a holiday abroad at the moment, including myself and that’s is bizarre.

I guess there's that element of being stuck in for a year and being desperate to get away but they are still BVU.

It's expensive but it's so much time off as well - that's the bit I couldn't commit to.

I remember when my ex sil was getting married I got asked by her bridesmaid if I had a valid passport and how much I could afford on a hen do away.

My response was yes and £0 as I wasn't working at the time and I wasn't prepared to let exH pay for me to go on a jolly abroad when he was sat in the house without a holiday. His brother didn't have a stag do.

She’s not your friend, she’s a cf.

Just keep saying, I'm sorry I wont be able to join you, as I cannot afford it. They cannot make you go. As long as you keep saying it nicely, theres nothing they can do. If you're saving up to buy a home, you'll need every penny you can get. Put yourself first, because no one else will.

To be honest I think you’re being unreasonable. I myself didn’t have a hen party abroad, I booked a weekend away in a big house last summer and we had a fantastic time! But.. it’s her hen party, her wedding, her choice! Just don’t go if you can’t afford it or don’t want to.

Fuck that. How can anyone not realise it is incredibly rude and selfish to demand so much of someone’s money, time and annual leave. And for a hen do in Marbella! Ugh!

Tell Verrucca Salt it's impossible, it's not personal and that you hope she has a nice time. She needs to hear the word NO a lot more. The no it's no bits is just foot stamping. A bloke proposed to her. She didn't become Queen of the World.

And by the way if you lose her as a friend then that wouldn't be a bad thing.

I agree with the OP and saying no now with an alternative suggestion seems a sensible thing to do. You note that circumstances have changed for some of the guests, they may change between now and then and I doubt financially for the better.

Hen and stag dos abroad have become ridiculous, and are the first thing i would like to heavily tax to reduce flying.

Well since you've already told them your budget and they've gone more than 3 times over it, it's very reasonable to say no. Someone who tries to make you feel bad about that is an arse really. And so what if you want to treat your parents to a holiday? Nothing to do with her, and of course they come first, not her ridiculous, over-priced weekend jolly.

I think if you get demoted as a bridesmaid that shows her pettiness and she looks bad. And you'll be let off a whole load of other nonsense, so I'd consider that a very positive outcome.

This is absolutely ridiculous, the bride and her mum are a pair of CF’s.

The bride and he mother have automatically assumed everyone will be able/want to go abroad for a hen do and they have automatically thought everyone would able to afford it and get the time off work.

Tell them to piss if, fucking pair of prima donnas!

"I can't afford it" can be tricky, because if you REALLY wanted to do something, perhaps you could spend / save / borrow the money

It's more about whether you feel comfortable spending that amount of money, and as a PP said, it's not up to them how you spend yiur own money

I think you need to be clear from the outset that it sounds fun, hope they have a great time, but unfortunately it's beyond yiur budget due to other financial commitments

And don't get drawn into discussions about it. You don't have to justify it

She may take you off the list of bridesmaids, but that's on her, not you

Let us know her reaction pls

Another one saying just say no. I could afford to pay for someone's hen weekend abroad but I wouldn't, unless I really liked the place they were going. If I'm paying to go abroad, it's somewhere I want to go.
I do think it's sad when people demand hen parties abroad, but don't take into consideration some family/friends may not be able to afford it. Very self-centred.

If you hold firm and say no, I bet others will follow your lead.

@Strawbfields

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your comments as I was starting to think maybe I was just being a killjoy.

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed. I am almost 100% certain that if I messaged her to say I can't spend that amount on a hen do she would take it personally. She has led a very spoiled life, both from her parents and partner, and telling her no is just a nightmare. As I said on my OP, if her wedding was abroad, that would be totally different, but I can't justify the money for a hen do.

I would never in a million years be spending a grand on someone with whom I have to walk on eggshells. You need to raise your standards if you think that's acceptable.