Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

YANBU

Just say no. It is an awful amount to expect people to pay for a hen do. Plus all the expenses on top of that. Plus going to the actual wedding, and all the costs associated with that.

And actually you don't need to explain your reasons. And actually if she was a decent friend she would just accept it instead of putting pressure on you.

It is your money and holiday you decide how you want to spend it.

It’s a bit PA maybe but you could set up a new group chat and invite everyone saying that you want to focus on planning a lovely UK based extra hen activity like an afternoon tea or cocktail making and meal for those who can’t make the abroad one or fancy an additional activity. Then tell the group chat for abroad that you’ll leave for now as you’ve said you can’t go and for them to let you know what they book in case you can book on at a later time if finances change or when cheap flights come up to maybe join for less time (but you’d happily sort that because you respect them sorting exactly what the brides wants)

@MarieDelaere

What do brides say when their friends say, 'I can't afford it'?

I can't think of a single female friend or relative under 40 who could conjure up a grand for a holiday right now. They're too busy stressing about bills, keeping cars on the road for work, paying for childcare, and rent/mortgage payments.

The only thing I disagree with is the idea that if they could afford it, it might be reasonable!

I'm part of two friend groups, one of which typically paid £250 for a hen, the other £125 (with more included). A quite rich friend from the first group always really resented being treated as if her being able to afford everything meant that she ought to just swallow every bill presented to her.

When the first group came to my hen, they kept telling the others that they couldn't believe how cheap it was, and still good - I'd limited the plans to the budget of the second group because I thought £250 all in was ridiculous.

TBH, who except the very few haven’t got better things to spend £1k and 5 days of precious leave on?

The more people who say no thanks to these entitled Bridezilla demands, the sooner it might become socially unacceptable to make them.

@BeeDavis

To be honest I think you’re being unreasonable. I myself didn’t have a hen party abroad, I booked a weekend away in a big house last summer and we had a fantastic time! But.. it’s her hen party, her wedding, her choice! Just don’t go if you can’t afford it or don’t want to.

I hate the phrase 'her hen, her choice'. The lack of consideration speaks volumes of the type of person the bride is. If you're making decisions involving other people you need to consider the other people. People need to stop using being a bride to behave like an utter a-hole.

YANBU just say No and say it now, so everyone knows you won’t be going. Totally unrealistic to expect her friends to shell out that can of money. I wouldn’t have entertained the idea right from the getgo. She sounds very spoilt and demanding to be honest,

To be honest I think you’re being unreasonable.

Seriously @BeeDavis?

I agree that dropping out now is far preferable to leaving it until nearer the time. I also think that if you drop out others will follow. I'd be inclined to apologise to everyone in the group chat and end up by saying that you will remove your selffrom the group as you won't be going.

The problem is that if she is being a bridezilla now, she will be much worse on the run up to the wedding.

If the MOB challenges you I would feel inclined to say "please don't try and guilt trip me into spending money I don't have"

You gave your budget of £300 tops all in. They’ve given you a basic cost of far more. As @DeRigueurMortis said, JUST SAY NO. And while we’re talking government campaigns, it sounds like the 1987 AIDS Iceberg campaign... because the 1k will be the tip of the iceberg.

How likely is it, that like the 'Ibiza Villa CF' you are subsidising the immediate bridal party?

Things like this give me the rage. This new trend for hen parties abroad needs stopped in its tracks. There is no justification for expecting your friends to shell out hundreds of pounds for a holiday that is all about you, not them, and then using guilt tactics to manipulate them into accepting it!

Really try to stay strong OP. A decent friend wouldn’t allow this to make things awkward between you, so just keep repeating that you don’t have the budget (financially or in terms of time) but you will happily celebrate with her in the UK another time. If she kicks off and you lose the friendship it’s proof that she cares much, much more about herself than you, and you’re well shot of her anyway.

Sooner you say no the sooner you get yourself out of this shit show of a wedding, because let's face it, today the hen party, tomorrow the stipulations on how much they think you should be spending on a wedding gift. I too believe you'd be subsidising the bridal party.

Could I afford it? Yes.
Would I do it? ONLY if it was one of the friends I absolutely love, and to be honest they wouldn't take the piss and arrange something out of everyone's budget just for their vanity.

It doesn't sound as if you like her all that much. Give the straight 'No' and enjoy your freedom!

Why would a grown adult expect to be respected when they're throwing a strip because people don't want to waste holiday or spend £££££s!!

It's a definite no from me!

YANBU. By the sounds of the Bride's mother, we know how your friend got to be so precious!

Oh god the sooner you make it clear you won't be going, the better. And I guarantee others will thank you because they might be scared to do the same.

Personally I'd message the bride privately. That way you can't be blamed for causing a revolution when others say the same.

I could afford it, but I wouldn't. This fashion for several nights away for a hen night is a bit of a nightmare.

I agree that I would say you can't go very definitely now. Just say that you can't afford it, and this isn't going to change.

She sounds a bit precious, but she will come around I'm sure.

When I get invited on a hen I make it work
For me, I have kids and often can’t go for the whole time so I’m honest up front I can make it for one/two days not the whole time. No bride has ever had a problem with it.

@Strawbfields

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your comments as I was starting to think maybe I was just being a killjoy.

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed. I am almost 100% certain that if I messaged her to say I can't spend that amount on a hen do she would take it personally. She has led a very spoiled life, both from her parents and partner, and telling her no is just a nightmare. As I said on my OP, if her wedding was abroad, that would be totally different, but I can't justify the money for a hen do.

A good friend does not demand other people spend £1000.

Say no, you cannot afford it, and need the money for yourself.

If it ends the friendship so be it.

Who wants 'self absorbed' friends that they have 'to walk on eggshells' around?

Another vote for no, she's being unreasonable. I'm one of the generation who put money into property and pensions and remember mortgage rates around 15%. But our weddings were far simpler and less costly than today, so we could afford a house deposit. You can't spend it twice. And I agree with PPs that if you decide against others will come with you.

Good luck OP - sometimes you just have to give people a firm no and they can like it or lump it. Don't feel bad. Its really cheeky of them to just 'expect' that people can stump up the cash.

She can have whatever Hen Do she chooses but she should accept that not everyone will be able to go

Is whatsapp chat just for the hen do? Leave the chat. Vote with your feet. If she says anything to you you can say you've said why you won't be coming thats it. If she expects you to come regardless of not having sufficient money or holiday time then she's no friend. Don't be guilted into treading on eggshells.

OP this is friendship ending stuff. Even if a bust up doesn’t happen now, it will further down the line.

The bride is very self absorbed and you don’t really need a friend like that.

I would just tell her I can’t afford it and that’s that. You’re right, you need to prioritise your family, not a boozy, self indulgent trip away.

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts"

Grooms mother getting way too involved here. My mum did not go to my wife's hen and certainly did not stick her oar in on the plans.

I would just imagine that the grooms mum is in a totally different place financially to the friends of the bride - not her place to compare or judge.