Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

Personally After the year we have just had, I would be all over it. In fact I’m off to Ibiza for a weekend next year costing a bomb but I can’t wait. One thing this has taught me is that life is short and the next pandemic might be around the corner so if you have the money, go for it. If you don’t then don’t!

@MarieDelaere

Bloody hell, *@DeRigueurMortis*, was there blood? Or all swept under the carpet?

Blood - fortunately not but I gather from MOH it was a close thing .

Upshot in brief there was an unholy row and the last 2 night in the villa were spending with the 2 factions avoiding each other.

Lots of mud slinging when they all got back home and woe is me drama from the bride and family, followed by spite when that cut no ice.

The "friends" did not attend the wedding and the relationships were dead.

MOH has never been back to Ibiza - says it's cursed for her .

I think The Ibiza Villa Incident has a lot to teach us all.

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts"

Im sorry but its not for you to say that. This year has been exceptional and you are being both unreasonable and using emotional blackmailing when this is already distressing and upsetting.

Unless you are prepared to guarantee me financially, then am I not prepared to commit under these circumstances. Any good friend should understand these are trying times.

And then just say 'tough shit' if pushed.

@MarieDelaere

I think The Ibiza Villa Incident has a lot to teach us all.

It's a bit like the 80's drug slogan isn't it?

JUST SAY NO!

MOH and I are still friends and sometimes talk about it ruefully. Me in the sense of never underrating how cheeky people can be and her in terms of a lesson learned about not being emotionally bullied into something you don't want to do.

I don't actually know if she's on MN but I've definitely outed myself to her if she is and see's this .

@Strawbfields

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your comments as I was starting to think maybe I was just being a killjoy.

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed. I am almost 100% certain that if I messaged her to say I can't spend that amount on a hen do she would take it personally. She has led a very spoiled life, both from her parents and partner, and telling her no is just a nightmare. As I said on my OP, if her wedding was abroad, that would be totally different, but I can't justify the money for a hen do.

You can't tip toe around princesses forever. Eventually you will fuck up and the drama will descend.

Why put yourself through the torture of that.

Just bite the bullet and get it over and done with.

No. Is a complete sentence.

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, she wasn't like this before she got engaged, at least I didn't think she was![/quote]
I notice you said to had to walk on eggshells

So she wasn't like that before getting engaged?

Anyway, i hope it goes all right but tbh I wouldn't be able to be friends with an eggshell type. The worst that can happen is she'll be angry.

Oh wow OP, just responding to say I’d absolutely not be doing this. We could “afford” it but it’s a silly amount of money to spend just on myself, for a trip that is someone else’s dream and not my own. You’re trying to be prudent and save for a house and that is not something insignificant to be brushed aside by someone else. It’s not up to her mum to dictate what you are going to spend £1,000 on!

Also don’t get distracted by the idea that you’ll be spending money to bring your parents overseas for your own wedding. Again, that’s you, deciding how to spend your own money. Not someone else’s mum deciding that you should spend it just for a party.

Good luck!

so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen

Nope. That wouldn't make sense. Two completely different situations. Whatever you pay for your parents at your own wedding is absolutely nobody else's business. If this friend called you a hypocrite for that then she would be unbelievably self centred and entitled.

Tbh i wouldn't go on a hen do costing a grand on principle! And we could probably afford it.

The OP doesn’t need to send the message tonight just because rubber-neckers want a quicker update if she feels it’s too late - she should send it when she’s ready to send it.

good luck OP 🌺

1. Hen dos are naff af. If you're going to do them, at least do them slightly tongue in cheek. Anyone who takes them Very Seriously isn't worth being anxious about.

1. She's being ridiculous. Secretly, everyone knows it.

1. I suppose you could offer to take her out to dinner or some such to celebrate between you two, as a kind of olive branch, if you feel you need it. But I wouldn't be overly concerned.

1. Someday she will look back on this and be embarrassed. I hope.

If a hen do was costing me £1k I'd want somewhere more exciting than Marbella

I had hoped these tacky hen-dos abroad would be finished after COVID. Just shows how shallow some people are. What's wrong with going out for a Chinese with your girlfriends...that's what normal people do.

Absolutely no way would I be spending a grand on someone else's hen do in fucking marbella of all places even if i could afford it.
Which I couldnt.
Ive spent best part of the year on 60% furlough pay.
If I did have a grand laying around I'd take my son to Azores.
Time off is scarce because I need to be at work while we can be open.
Then there will be wedding costs, present, drinks, accomodation, dresses, travel.
Thank god my friends are not so selfish and grabby.

That’s ridiculous! Both time and money.

If she reallllyyy wanted Tenerife, could she not do AirBNB for 2 or 3 days. Nice Meals in etc. No themed clothes etc or just something like all black

I havent RTFT but I despise hen parties for this reason (amongst others). Good luck OP! Stand firm!

YANBU!

I think there are a lot more people who would like to say no, they can afford neither the time off nor the money but don't, and just reach for the credit card,again, rather than disappoint the bride to be. Breathtakingly selfish of the bride to be or whoever else's idea it is to expect friends to pay all that money for a hen do.

OP just say you can't make it, no excuses or they'll find "solutions" for you. Yes, there may well be fallout as there always is when you don't fulfil the wants of self-centred entitled people.

So what if she takes it personally?

I’m a firm believer that getting married should not leave your guests significantly out of pocket! Be that for the hen/stag so or for the actual wedding!! 😡 I’d be sick at the thought of my friends being asked to spend that money on a hen do for me 😳

As everyone else has said, I’d definitely just text and say you won’t be attending OP!!

I’ve been involved in planning 2 hen dos and thankfully both brides were only interested in having fun with their friends 😊
One wanted a spa trip so we booked one that was pretty central to everyone (max 1 hour travel) and set it up so that people had options - we were there 2 nights, had 2 lovely meals, spa treatments were optional. It was made very clear to everyone that nobody was expected to do it all unless they wanted to. Some were able to only join us for one night, some came for a meal and some drinks, some came for a day in the spa. It was lovely 😊 only a few of us stayed the whole weekend. The bride absolutely loved it! I’m sure even for the whole weekend the cost was around £300 - that included all meals, accommodation, travel and one treatment as far as I can remember!

The other just wanted a good night out as there was a big group of people who didn’t all know each other (school friends, family, uni friends, work friends etc). We booked a Mexican restaurant that did an amazing sharing menu (set price of £25 per head including one drink) and then booked a lovely bar/club where we got bottle service etc. Came to £50ish per person and then obviously people had the option to stay over or head home.

It doesn’t need to cost a fortune to have fun!

How ridiculous! Of course it's not wrong or hypocritical to not want to spend that much on a holiday you didn't even get to choose! It's so selfish to try to coerce someone into spending more than they can afford. Groom's mother should be ashamed for that reply! They can go without you. Nothing's stopping them.

These big, extravagant, multi-day parties are just too much pressure and expense. A simple night out with friends is so much better.

Since when are mothers invited to hen parties? I thought it was girlfriends only, and if they got up to a little mischief, no-one the wiser? Never mind mother trying to organize it! Walk away from this early.

Whatever happened to nights out at a bar with friends and drinks? Too over the top for me, financially and timewise.

That is way too much for a hens! In time and money.

The most expensive hens I've been to was £400 for two nights away in an amazing air bnb home with pool and hot tub, in a wine region in Australia.

Kick her in to touch and get a new less self absorbed friend op