Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

YANBU at all. That’s ridiculous and you can guarantee that when your time comes and you wanted her to shell out £1000 for your hen she’d have no issue with telling you no! It’s so self absorbed to think that people will have no issue with parting with that kind of money for a hen, she sounds like hard work. I’d 100% be saying no and if that’s an issue for her then so be it!

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts

I would be stating again it’s not something I would be able to afford and have no chance of saving for with other commitments, not will you be able to take annual leave for a further 4 days. I am sorry I can’t join you, perhaps we could all do afternoon tea/meal etc for those you can’t attend

Do you know what the other bridesmaids think? Can they all afford to do this?

You won't be the only person thinking this OP. I suggest just being really honest with the whole group and saying something like "I think there are a few who will struggle to afford this, and we really want to celebrate with our friend, so to avoid her being disappointed could we organise an alternative night out for those who can't make this one?"
The bride's mum could always take her away as they presumably won't mind paying for it.

You need to be very firm in saying No. Dont give any false hope that you might go, don't go into details about money. Just tell her that it's not possible. If she hassles you about it just continue to say it's not possible. The reasons are not hers or her mothers business.

It's very straight forward. You simply say I won't be able to do that. It's too expensive for me. The response to bride's mother - or bride - is Sorry. We're saving for a house, not for holidays. I won't be coming.

Repeat if necessary.

If they get huffy I'd be standing down as bridesmaid and not attending the wedding/cutting the friendship if necessary.

Genuine friends don't stamp their feet and demand you spend your money in the way they dictate.

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts

Perhaps ask the bride's mother to pay for your place, after all she's got a year to save for it?

Thanks ladies, there is one other girl in the group who privately messaged me to agree, but as yet she hasn't shared this with the group. I told them my top line budget would be £300 all in to which they sent package deals ranging from £475PP to £592PP

Just say it’s a shame you won’t be able to go and you hope they have a great time.
If they kick off then ignore.

'No ifs or buts." What a damn cheek. The answer to that is a firm "I said no and I meant no.'
And if you get retired as bridesmaid - you're probably well out of it.

I’d say ‘you guys go ahead and book something, keep me in the loop and I’ll tag on if I can at a later date, but for now it has to be a no, sorry’.

There’s no way I’d spend that much time or money on a hen do amd imo it’s in very poor taste given the pandemic and how much people’s finances may have changed etc.

just SAY NO. grow a spine!

She sounds bloody awful. This won’t be the only point of ridiculousness and contention. Tell the bride you’re not going to the stupid abroad hen and hopefully she’ll sack you. You haven’t said a single good thing about her so you’re obviously not very close.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times. It’s always hard work but some are worse than others. Not what you’d asked but honestly I think the whole thing will end up costing you a fortune you can’t and shouldn’t afford. Bin it off.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply. I'm grateful for the responses.

I agree with many of you, I need to be straight up and just say no. I just wish I wasn't crippled with the anxiety of what everyone will think of me but hey, that's on me.

Why are you making the bride's spoiltness your problem?

It's the bride's problem. Her family's problem. The groom's problem. It's not yours.

I don't even understand why you're close friends tbh.

@MarieDelaere hey, she wasn't like this before she got engaged, at least I didn't think she was!

I just wish I wasn't crippled with the anxiety of what everyone will think of me but hey, that's on me

Ah bless you, OP, it's hard when people are taking the piss and you're trying to be nice.

You need to find your inner resolve.

If it was me I would have to tell the Bride's Mother in no uncertain terms that it's very presumptuous of her to tell me that I have a year to save up. She has no idea what other financial commitments you have planned.
I would also say don't factor me into the overall budget before you book this hen party. Say I am willing to consider alternatives up to such an amount but I am not going to pay £1K for anyone's hen do.
The bride doesn't sound particularly nice anyway. It only needs one of you to make a stand and I bet others will soon back you up.

“kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed”.

Yes she sounds lovely doesn’t she?.

If you can’t afford it don’t go.

I think it’s really entitled to arrange a hen do abroad and demand everyone use up precious annual leave and spend shit loads of money.

For 4/ 5 nights you'd still spend £400 easy on taxis, kitties, food, taxi to airport. £1k minimum.
That's before you fork out for matching t shirts, sashes, co ordinated outfits and other such bollocks.

No way I'd pay over a grand.

£300 absolute max including travel.

Put a photo up of the house you want to buy in front of you, remember that it’s far more worthy of your money and time than a holiday you don’t want with people you barely know and send a firm, clear message saying you will not be attending.

Every penny you spend on this wedding is one you’re taking away from your own wedding and future home.

I don't think she sounds lovely at all; and she's allowing herself to be egged on by, or is egging on, her own mother and future MiL.

Next they'll be suggesting you stick it on a credit card.

I bet when you want a pre-wedding £50 afternoon tea you'll be told she absolutely can't come because reasons; or she'll 'try' and then doesn't turn up, if that's how she feels on the day because reasons.

It sounds like a nightmare. That's too long to go away for on a group trip with people you're not best mates with. A couple of nights would be better.

I think if you say no then it will give others the confidence to do the same.

Just blame DH if you want an excuse.

Pre empt by offering to take her out to make up for it. However I think others will follow suit.