Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

God stop farting around. Just text back 'I'm not stopping her going abroad, just letting you know that I won't be able to join in.'

Another one saying no way. This is so selfish, even as the best of times and with people loosing their jobs it really isn't the best of times.

Please don't spend a second worrying about what these people think of you. They haven't given one seconds thought to how you might feel about a £1k 4 day break plus the wedding which will set you back a fair bit as well I expect. Bet they saying you have to stay in the hotel / venue where the wedding is being held at exorbitant cost.......

Wow. Def don’t go

First wedding i had weekend away Bournemouth think was £150 for 2 nights and 2 breakfast and 2 evening meal - tho was 14yrs ago

2nd marriage hen, been cancelled twice date wise , it was for afternoon tea and £35 top whack including bubbly - trying to find 3rd date and venue

Want want want. Sounds a spoiled little madam - in fact you say she is spoiled.
'i can't afford this' is a fact not an insult. If she can't cope with facts she is no loss.

@Blondeshavemorefun, good luck!

I may get flamed for this, but I think it's incredibly selfish and narcissistic to insist on having your hen "do" abroad - and your wedding too, for that matter. And I've felt like this long before Covid.
I've just seen such invitations, (or in some cases, orders!), cause so much grief, awkwardness, resentment, etc., resulting in family fall-outs and ruined friendships, because would-be hens or guests simply could not afford to go.

Just keep in mind that you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong by saying no.

Your money is yours to spend how you like. Other people don’t get to dictate how your spend it, let alone get stroppy if they don’t agree.

These people are being completely unreasonable.

This doesn’t need to a drama, or a big confrontation.

Just a simple, polite, straight-forward ‘no, I won’t be able to join you’ is needed. You can add some flowery words around celebrating with her locally, and looking forward to the wedding, if you want.

@titchy

God stop farting around. Just text back 'I'm not stopping her going abroad, just letting you know that I won't be able to join in.'

Bang on.

Weddings and wedding spin off events do have a tendency to get pricy for all involved and become a complete PITA!!

I don't like hen dos anyway, unless it's drinks in the pub/ local pub crawl / house party.

I didn't have one myself but my Bridesmaid did when she got married. It was 2 nights away in the UK and £400. Not totally crazy given some hen prices but I declined. I didn't want to spend that and I didn't want to go. I offered to arrange a hen party in our home city (London), drinks in a bar, for those not going on the £400er. She declined, fair enough.

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, she wasn't like this before she got engaged, at least I didn't think she was![/quote]
Weddings and hen dos really do bring out the worst in people don't they? One of DH's friends' now wife fell out with 2 of her bridesmaids because she insisted on having an incredibly expensive hen do in Marbella.

It's just utterly ridiculous the amount of money people are expected to spend on stag/hen events.

It's not only the money, it's the time off work and for some reason far too many couples getting married forget that it's not "just" the cost/time of the pre-wedding holiday (disguised as a hen/stag do) but the cost of the wedding as well (outfits/presents and often hotel accommodation plus money for drinks).

It's all too common to expect prospective guests to spend over £1k on attending a single wedding by the time everything is factored in.

They also forget you might have other obligations because theirs is the only wedding that matters (never mind obligations of your own with your own family).

I still slightly shudder remembering my late 20's to mid 30's where a year didn't go by without multiple weddings in my social circle.

If I'd attended all of them and the associated pre-wedding holidays I'd estimate I'd have spent more than £30k.

Frankly I could have afforded the money but I sure as hell didn't want to spend 25% (or more) of my annual leave on "holidays" to a destination I'd not personally have chosen in the company of some people I'd cross the road to avoid - at the expense of going to places with my family.

So basically I learned early on to say thanks for the invitation but I can't attend. Don't give a reason they can chip away at. Just say it's not possible and repeat.

Truth is most people dread these type of invitations but fear offending by saying no.

You need to turn it in it's head an think why the bride/groom isn't afraid of offending/embarrassing/bullying their supposed closest friends by spending their money on their behalf.

When I got married my MOH asked what my hen plans were. I said don't worry I'll sorry it - plan being a night in a hotel/spa an hour away where we can have some treatments in the day and a lovely meal in the evening and go home the next day (and I'm paying for it). Her response was "thank fuck I don't think I could stomach another week in Ibiza" and I knew exactly how she felt (she did similar when she married about 6 months later re: a local one night event).

So big girl pants on OP and stick to your guns.

It's cheeky as hell to bully people into spending significant amounts of time and money in this way.

Hey @LindyLou2020, I totally agree with you. I think its poor taste.

In saying that though, my OH and I have discussed getting married and both agreed we would take both sets of parents to Cyprus (my mum and DSD have been together for 12 years and have never been abroad together - money is tight for them) so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen. Then again, my DF passed away when I was 6 and my DM fell into major financial troubles due to DF having no life insurance so a holiday to see her only child get married would be a small way to thank her for everything she has done for me, and the sacrifices she made to ensure I had everything I needed.

I remember some of the hen parties we used to see down the Bigg Market in Newcastle on a Friday or Saturday night - the exuberance, the fun, the happiness, the laughter. Drinks, then a club down by the Tyne, pizza or a kebab, taxis home, the laughter ... It was just a brilliant night out with the 'hen' in a funny hat.

In saying that though, my OH and I have discussed getting married and both agreed we would take both sets of parents to Cyprus (my mum and DSD have been together for 12 years and have never been abroad together - money is tight for them) so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen.

How on earth does that make you a hypocrite?! It makes you nice. Protective of your family. Decent.

@LindyLou2020

I may get flamed for this, but I think it's incredibly selfish and narcissistic to insist on having your hen "do" abroad - and your wedding too, for that matter. And I've felt like this long before Covid. I've just seen such invitations, (or in some cases, orders!), cause so much grief, awkwardness, resentment, etc., resulting in family fall-outs and ruined friendships, because would-be hens or guests simply could not afford to go.

I agree. The weddings are often fake, too, due to legal reasons and the couple actually marry in the UK .

@Strawbfields

Hey *@LindyLou2020*, I totally agree with you. I think its poor taste.

In saying that though, my OH and I have discussed getting married and both agreed we would take both sets of parents to Cyprus (my mum and DSD have been together for 12 years and have never been abroad together - money is tight for them) so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen. Then again, my DF passed away when I was 6 and my DM fell into major financial troubles due to DF having no life insurance so a holiday to see her only child get married would be a small way to thank her for everything she has done for me, and the sacrifices she made to ensure I had everything I needed.

Strawbfields - you're not being a hypocrite at all. I meant to clarify in my last post that I feel everyone has the right to get married wherever they wish, including abroad. But they have no right to guilt-trip people into attending if they can't afford it, and/or can't take the time off work. Your situation is totally different - you are not asking family/friends to fork out to attend your possible wedding in Cyprus. What a lovely idea to think of treating both sets of parents! You've nothing to apologise for or explain!

You are all too nice, thank you so much.

It's a bit late now for me to send the dreaded message to the group chat and bride to be, but I'm going to message tomorrow. I will be sure to update the post with the inevitable demotion of bridesmaid duties lol

Thanks again for all the replies and kind words. Much appreciated from this MN newbie xx

Just to expand on my post above re: my MOH and reference to Ibiza.

She'd been coerced in to attending a week long hen do there by the MOH (brides sister) and her mother.

MOH arranged/booked a massive posh villa. Cost over £1.5k pp from memory.

Of the hens, 4 were friends and the rest extended family (sisters, cousins, mother, aunts etc).

On arrival they were shown to their rooms. All the friends had to share whilst family got their own despite "paying the same amount" and meaning also if everyone had shared a room they would have needed a much smaller (and less expensive) villa.

The big kickers were that the "family" virtually ignored/were rude to the "friends" for the week and then they overheard that they hadn't paid the same. Essentially they'd paid more and were subsidising (unlike the rest of the family) the bride, MOH and brides mothers accommodation (because they were the wedding party and shouldn't pay but obviously subbing them shouldn't fall to family either).

Lesson: don't underestimate just how cheeky some people can be if you let them take advantage of you.

Yes it's a bit too late now, but good luck for tomorrow.

Of course it's not too late.

Send it now then you don't have to worry about it - the deed will be done. Don't put off doing it once you've made the decision

Yes good luck for tomorrow and keep it simple.

Don't engage in any emotional blackmail.

Just say I can't attend due to other obligations - rinse and repeat.

Bloody hell, @DeRigueurMortis, was there blood? Or all swept under the carpet?

Thank you @MarieDelaere

I think it's incredibly crass of the bride and her mother to make these demands on you and the other hens in the current climate.

Don't feel bad about saying no to them. You aren't doing anything wrong. £1K is a lot if money for a few days away, whether you can afford it or not.

Send the message and ignore the replies for a while.

Just a quick, hi having looked at our budget I really can’t manage the cost. I would have loved to be there for you, and hope you have an amazing time. Can’t wait to see the pictures. Hope you all have fun.

Dress it up with some happy words!!