Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 22:31

@Flowers24

She wanted the holiday just us ages ago before D's was even with the gf!
Mmm

But has now decided she wants her brother but not the gf?

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 22:32

She is genuinely a lovely girl and fine with dd, I know that for sure.
Mixed views on this but dh and I don't want to upset anyone so will see how the land lies later on.
Incidentally, Ds often wants to hang out with his sister and invites her on walks but she rarely wants to.
We will plan a weekend away just us 4 too x

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 22:32

[quote abeanbaked]@RootyT00t I don't, I just remember being 16 and changing my mind every 3 seconds. She's away to turn 17, will be 18 when the holiday happens (at her request) when I was 18 I wanted to go away without my parents. When you're that age things change from day to day 🙄 she's also requested that she has a holiday with just her mum and dad, too. Obviously none of this is unreasonable or demanding though..Confused[/quote]
Mm.

She wants a hol with her brother and parents without a random bird.

How unreasonable.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 22:34

She isn't a random bird?!

OP posts:
abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 22:35

@RootyT00t but she also wants a holiday just her, mum and dad, without the brother. Which she is also getting.. anyway, the gf isn't 'some random bird' she's clearly a part of that family if she lives there some times. Are you a MIL? I certainly wouldn't want you to be mine.

ClarrieGrundy · 22/03/2021 22:38

You cannot uninvited the girlfriend. If you do you run the risk of damaging your relationships with your DS and potentially the mother of your future grandchildren.

Arrange another weekend just the four of you and make it clear what it is from the start. And talk to the gf about it. Be open and say that you hope to have many holidays with her in the future but your DD is having a little bit of trouble adjusting to everyone growing up.

DIshedUp · 22/03/2021 22:39

I think your DS should have asked your DD how she felt before inviting a girlfriend on what was originally a family holiday. It will change the dynamics of the holiday completely for your DD. Its the DS whose changing the status quo and asking everyone to accommodate it not your DD

Your DD has put up with living with her, which is quite a lot tbh. It sounds like she was looking forward to spending some time alone with her brother and parents. I know personally know matter how much I love my siblings partners I am never fully relaxed in their presence and my heart would probably sink a bit at the change.

Its not excluding a partner, they are only 20, ifs not like they are married. Not many people take their 20 year old bf/gf on a family holiday

Probably best bet is to speak to DS about the situation and see what he says

StellaKowalski · 22/03/2021 22:39

What a silly situation; she shouldn't be dictating anything. It'll probably cause tension with DS's (and possibly ds) gf if she's suddenly told she can't come.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 22:42

Ds didn't invite her at all, he asked me if she might be able to come , I said maybe,then the other night at dinner we got chatting about holidays and dh says about her joining us ( aggh!) So went from there, but a while back.Dd asked if she could bring a friend to the city break so was a rough plan

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/03/2021 22:43

How does your daughter feel about her brother's girlfriend having moved in for lockdown?

It is her home too and having someone move into the house does change the dynamic IMO.

I'm surprised at this and have only heard of it on MN.

I think think she may feel a bit of a spare at home and now on the planned holiday.

Was she asked her opinion about the girlfriend moving in?

If not, I think it was wrong.

That's a funny old age the mid teens.
Not kids, not adults.

This is a funny year too.

I wouldn't dream of allowing a boyfriend/girlfriend move into our home at a time like this.

I would think it far too large an imposition on others privacy and confort in THEIR home during a challenging year.

DIshedUp · 22/03/2021 22:43

Well then your DH should have asked her. Point is someone should have asked her before saying it was okay

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 22:44

@PugInTheHouse

Last family holiday as a unit of 4? Life moves on, kids grow up and get partners. You move on as a family, surely that is how life works?

Exactly ... which is perhaps why this teen wants this next years holiday to be about this family unit 🌺

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 22:45

Ok I'm going to say thanks everyone and we will.all be discussing this now, thank you x

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 22:46

good luck OP ☺️

BaaMooCluckOink · 23/03/2021 02:05

The OPs children are/will be adults at the time of the holiday. They can both choose to come or not. DS doesn’t owe his sister a family holiday. Most people I know had stopped going on holiday with their parents before age 20/21. The DD is wanting everything her own way, is she used to getting things her way? And the DD originally asked about bringing a friend. It’s nice that she wants time with her brother but she’ll just push him away.

WisnaeMe · 23/03/2021 02:14

DS doesn’t owe his sister a family holiday.

DS isn't paying for this Holiday, what an odd thing to say Confused

Most people I know had stopped going on holiday with their parents before age 20/21

Everybody is different, just because people you know stopped this, doesn't mean all 20 odd year olds have done so. 🤔

BaaMooCluckOink · 23/03/2021 03:46

And they don’t have to stop either, but the point is many are off going with their friends or gf/bf’s at that age instead, it’s nice that he is going with family but he is well within his rights to say he’ll just not bother going at all.
It’s not an odd thing to say, it’s nothing to do with money. The sister wants him to be without his gf so that she can have his attention but that should be his choice.
I don’t understand how people think the brother/son is BU to ask if his gf can join, but the sister/daughter requesting to have a friend, before deciding not to, requesting she goes alone on holiday with mum and dad and requesting the gf doesn’t go, isn’t BU. As adults getting a holiday paid for, they can decide to go or not to, but not dictate to everyone else what they can and can’t do.

Earthakitty · 23/03/2021 17:22

Why are you letting a 16 year old dictate terms to you ? Tell her when she's old enough to pay her own way she can dictate terms and not before.

Lentillover1900 · 23/03/2021 17:35

I recall you from another thread OP

I find it strange your DD is so keen on a family holiday
But doesn’t want to eat with you and your DH for a family meal in the evening but prefers to eat alone!

She sounds like she’s maybe being a little contrary

Localocal · 23/03/2021 17:36

It's sweet that she doesn't want the family holiday dynamic to change, but that's what happens as time passes and the shape of a family shifts. I think what's needed is some acknowledgement that maybe this happened before she was ready, but that the change could be great. Make sure you do some mother-daughter stuff while you are there?

Nearly47 · 23/03/2021 17:39

She is basically going on holiday with two couples. Not nice. Completely different dynamics. YABU. Should have checked with her first

StopAtTheRedLight · 23/03/2021 17:40

Really important to have family holidays with just family from time to time. I am with the daughter. She wants to bond with her brother. Girlfriend changes the dynamic.

Mere1 · 23/03/2021 17:51

Will you be going on holiday abroad this year?

H007 · 23/03/2021 17:55

I would imagine your DD is probably missing time with her brother and that is what she doesn’t want the GF to come. Your DS probably treats her differently and spends less time with her when the GF is around. I don’t think your DD is being unreasonable, I think she misses her brother, being just her brother.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 23/03/2021 17:58

I’d tell daughter to either shut up and realise how lucky she is to even have the option of a holiday or to stay at home!

She’s 16 not 2.