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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 23/03/2021 21:30

@NotAPanda just Google. It’s really common - either as a Social Anxiety or related to eating disorders. You literally just have to Google “fear of eating in front of others” and you’ll find lots of links.

NotAPanda · 23/03/2021 21:35

[quote Cocomarine]@NotAPanda just Google. It’s really common - either as a Social Anxiety or related to eating disorders. You literally just have to Google “fear of eating in front of others” and you’ll find lots of links.[/quote]
Cheers coco

SeasonFinale · 23/03/2021 21:50

It sounds as though your DS is a very supportive boyfriend.

And to a PP in my break.life I have two friends with 18 year olds one who has moved in with gf family for lockdown since last March and one whose gf moved in with them. It works for them on MH basis.

LauraPearl · 23/03/2021 22:03

I wonder if your daughter feels like this might be that last time you'll all be together as a family - just the 4 of you? She's probably right. She didnt get the "family" holiday when she was 15, or 16, and next year is probably the last opportunity before the "kids" start going on their own holidays. I get her point - but it's just another thing caused by the COVID situation.
It's not unreasonable for you to allow your son's GF to join you, but I see why your daughter would be disappointed.

Insanelysilver · 23/03/2021 23:18

Having another person there does change the family dynamic a lot.
Your DD might like to spend some time with her brother. Even if they are nice to her it’s not the same as spending time as siblings without gf’s bf’s, or friends etc.
DD’s not talking to you and clearly she has feelings about it. I’d try and create the space for her to be able to talk about what it is about the GF coming with that she’s unhappy about.
It might notj just be the dynamic with her DB and herself. Maybe she feels you give her less time or is jealous of you and the GF getting on, or she feels less heard or left out in some way.
If you could encourage her to talk to you in a non confrontational way, you might get to the bottom of it.

cherrytreesa · 24/03/2021 00:07

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming

So she's essentially in 'charge' of both holidays? On your own back be it OP.

FortVictoria · 24/03/2021 00:11

I can see both sides of this, and don’t really have an answer, but just wanted to say that you have plenty right if you have a teenage girl who still wants to spend time with you Flowers

honeybee88 · 24/03/2021 00:21

I am certain your daughter believes that this is going to be your last family holiday together. Same thing happened with my eldest when she was 16. Perhaps you can plan another holiday for next year and tell her that is going to be a Family one. She might be ok then. Althou she may want to go on her own holiday by them and she knows it already.

RootyT00t · 24/03/2021 00:35

Why ask if when anyone says DD is not at fault you drip another reason why she's unreasonable?

Dozer · 24/03/2021 07:11

Yeah, the drip feeding is annoying. Wider than the holiday issue I think it’s you and DH being U hosting the GF!

Dozer · 24/03/2021 07:11

In your home.

SushiYum · 24/03/2021 08:55

@Flowers24 why can’t you understand?? Your Dd has had to forgo her private life and right to family time for an entire year. She just wants one last family holiday, just the 4 of you!

She has had to live with 2 couples whilst she has been alone, unable to go to school and meet up with friends. This relationship might not even last seeing as they are only 20. How long have they been together? Why did she move in?

Just let her have this final family holiday. Have some compassion.

Cony95 · 24/03/2021 09:12

Was she very close to her brother? As you are going in another holiday with her I can only conclude that she wants some time to spend with you And her brother alone.

billy1966 · 24/03/2021 09:31

[quote SushiYum]@Flowers24 why can’t you understand?? Your Dd has had to forgo her private life and right to family time for an entire year. She just wants one last family holiday, just the 4 of you!

She has had to live with 2 couples whilst she has been alone, unable to go to school and meet up with friends. This relationship might not even last seeing as they are only 20. How long have they been together? Why did she move in?

Just let her have this final family holiday. Have some compassion.[/quote]
Completely agree.

I feel so sorry for the 16 year old, feeling really pushed out in her home, during a pandemic, for her brother's new girlfriend and her problems. Poor daughter.🙄

expatinspain · 24/03/2021 10:20

Difficult situation. She wants time with her brother and won't get that time with him if his GF comes, she'll be a bit of a third wheel I guess. He wants to go on holiday with his GF who he's in love with and we've all been there. You want to make everyone happy, but will end up making no one happy, as he'll be pissed off with his sister even if he does go alone, so the dynamics will be changed anyway. It's an impossible situation. I don't know why your DD doesn't just invite a friend as you suggested. That would seem to be the best option. Either that, it just leave them all at home and go with your husband and have a good time. DD is getting a beach holiday anyway, so you're still taking her away.

Lentillover1900 · 24/03/2021 10:35

@Cony95

Was she very close to her brother? As you are going in another holiday with her I can only conclude that she wants some time to spend with you And her brother alone.
Which is nice But he’s 20 In love I reckon he will have his preference - and that will be to be with his girlfriend. With or without his family!
Lentillover1900 · 24/03/2021 10:38

* She has had to live with 2 couples*

One of these “couples” are her parents! When you lived at home with your parents did you see them as a “couple” or your mum and dad?!

Cony95 · 24/03/2021 10:52

@Lentillover1900 perfectly right.
Dear OP you really had to take a hard decision. I am the youngest in 9 siblings and also married the last and gone through this "losing" the sisters and brothers but to be honest wouldn't make a fuss of it but I guess I didn't really had a choice other than to welcome the in laws. At nearly 18 she must know that's the course of life.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 24/03/2021 10:58

A teenager being overly dramatic and unreasonable.... never heard of such a thing!

YANBU

Lifestyleinlondon88 · 24/03/2021 11:00

Though yes she should be grateful she has two holidays - I can’t imagine a holiday being much fun going with two couples and you being on your own? Whether they get along or not she probably doesn’t want to be a 5th wheel. I get honestly get it!

Lifestyleinlondon88 · 24/03/2021 11:01

And yes of course I would see my parents as a couple - as they are. You don’t know how touchy feels people are. I think I would feel awkward.

BaaMooCluckOink · 24/03/2021 11:01

@Lentillover1900 I’m with you. If I were the brother and I was in that position I’d probably just not go at all.

Lentillover1900 · 24/03/2021 11:03

[quote BaaMooCluckOink]@Lentillover1900 I’m with you. If I were the brother and I was in that position I’d probably just not go at all.[/quote]
My boyfriend and I at 20 were madly in love.

If my younger brother had said let’s go on holiday but without your boyfriend, who actually lives with you, I’d have said

“Er thanks but no thanks!”

Vivi0 · 24/03/2021 11:09

I can’t believe some of the comments!

The brother is an adult, who is in a relationship, and is under no obligation to spend “alone time” with his little sister. What is the OP going to do, tell the girlfriend that she is no longer invited, and force her adult son to go on the holiday to spend time with his little sister?

This is wild.

The DD is being controlling and that is certainly not something to be encouraged. It actually seems quite toxic.

The DS will, quite rightly, chose his girlfriend over his sister in this situation.

Vivi0 · 24/03/2021 11:12

@Lentillover1900

* She has had to live with 2 couples*

One of these “couples” are her parents! When you lived at home with your parents did you see them as a “couple” or your mum and dad?!

I know, right!

I can’t imagine anyone feels like a gooseberry when they are spending time with their parents 😂