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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
ShipOfTheseus · 22/03/2021 21:48

I think it’s the DS who’s entitled here. He’s the grown man wanting his parents to pay for his holiday and bring his gf along. It’s embarrassing at his age.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:49

[quote abeanbaked]@RootyT00t yes DD, that is definitely you Wink

In all seriousness though, please don't bow to a 16 year old like this, not only is it bloody ridiculous but you're not teaching them much for going into adulthood with.[/quote]
Mmmm.

Apart from that their parents give a shit.

You're much better to send them into adulthood reminding them that anyone and everyone is more important than them.

That will bode well.

asprinklingofsugar · 22/03/2021 21:50

Personally I think you're being massively unreasonable. But the thought of going on holiday with my brother's girlfriend doesn't fill me with joy, and if that announcement came after she lived with us for a year I'd be devastated. In saying that, I am an introvert, so I'd find it incredibly draining to constantly feel like I had to be "on" all the time, since there was someone other than family in my home. Is your DD an introvert by any chance? It may help explain why she's feeling the way she is.

This past year has been tough for everyone, but at least your son has had his girlfriend around all the time to keep him company. Your DD on the other hand, is probably missing her friends, and classmates (presuming she's still in school), and on top of that has had to put up with her brother's girlfriend moving in, probably unexpectedly due to the pandemic. They might get on okay but the girlfriend may not be someone she would have met or become friends with in other circumstances. They're friendly because of your son's relationship, and because they've been living in close quarters for months now. Your DD wasn't the one who chose to date her, or live with her, and she's probably fed up of an extra person around the house. I imagine she hasn't said anything because she doesn't want to upset anyone else in the family, but the holiday situation has tipped her over the edge. Plus you said she misses hanging out with her brother, presumably because the girlfriend is always included when they spend time together at home.

She might have been looking forwards to this trip, not only because she viewed it as the last proper family holiday for the four of you, but also because she thought she'd finally get to spend some time alone with her brother, like she used to. And now everyone else in the family has unilaterally decided that the girlfriend gets to come on the family holiday - without consulting her. I imagine she's disappointed and upset, but also feeling excluded that she wasn't included in these conversations. Maybe she's wondering why it was discussed with everyone else but her? And maybe feeling unsure about her place within the family - if you feel like the GF is almost family, perhaps your DD feels like she's not needed anymore as there's another (almost) daughter. Combine that with uncertainty about the future, pandemic fatigue, and good old teenage hormones, she's maybe feeling insecure?

And having another person will totally change the dynamic, esp as it's a short city break. If it was the beach holiday, where people had more opportunity to do things by themselves (eg your DC hanging out together while the GF sunbathes alone) it wouldn't be so bad. But on a city break, where you've less time at the location, and presumably are planning to do activities together, there wouldn't be as much opportunity for your DC to hang out anyway. And this decision has scuppered any chances of that happening. Plus she'll be a third (fifth?) wheel now, so I can understand her not wanting to go anymore.

Also just because you consider the GF almost family, doesn't mean your DD does. If you eventually decide against taking the GF, a good get out could be you realising that both your children are growing up and moving on with their lives (DS in a relationship, DD finishing school). And you've realised that actually you'd like one last holiday with only your children, before everything changes and they properly fly the nest.

RunningFromInsanity · 22/03/2021 21:52

Your daughter is being unreasonable and spoilt.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/03/2021 21:53

It's the DS coming off as entitled to me. He got to impose his GF on the rest of the family, including his sister. Now he gets to impose his GF on the last family holiday.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/03/2021 21:53

@RootyT00t

It's not normal for girlfriends to go on holiday with family. Serious long term partners maybe, but given Ds is 20 I'm assuming he isn't.
Absolutely this. At that age, they may not even be together next year!
PugInTheHouse · 22/03/2021 21:54

Absolutely not unreasonable, your DSs GF is part of the family IMO. I think your DD is being a bit selfish, potentially for nice reasons such as she wants to spend time with her DB but still I think you are 100% in the right here.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:57

@nocoolnamesleft

It's the DS coming off as entitled to me. He got to impose his GF on the rest of the family, including his sister. Now he gets to impose his GF on the last family holiday.
Did you read the part where OP says the DD dictated that they have a holiday just her and parents, DS not allowed?

And now he also can't bring his GF on the one holiday he is invited on with his family?

But he's entitled??? How?

Strawberryfelineforever · 22/03/2021 21:58

Sorry OP but DD is making a lot of requests. I would just let the girlfriend come with you all to be honest. 16-18 is not too young to learn that in adult life not everyone will indulge your wishes so much.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:58

@ShipOfTheseus

I think it’s the DS who’s entitled here. He’s the grown man wanting his parents to pay for his holiday and bring his gf along. It’s embarrassing at his age.
His parents probably offered to take both siblings on holiday, the GF is paying her own way. If you think family holidays that include partners are embarrassing I feel sorry for you
PugInTheHouse · 22/03/2021 21:59

I think it's wrong to say it's not normal for GFs to go on family holidays. It clearly is normal to many posters, it is just not normal to your family perhaps.

I don't understand why people are saying last family holiday. We still go on holiday with my parents, now there are husbands, wives and children coming along too. Relationships with your immediate family don't end at 18.

I guess each to their own, we have always involved each others GFs/BFs in events and holidays and never had an issue. You should talk to her and get to the bottom of the issue but I wouldn't not allow the GF to go without a really good reason.

PugInTheHouse · 22/03/2021 22:00

Why does it matter if they are not together next year? Couples much older than 20 won't be together next year, how can you possibly know and why does it matter. It's just a holiday.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 22:01

'Last' family holiday in respect to being in their own family unit of 4.

Norwaydidnthappen · 22/03/2021 22:09

Since you’re having a separate holiday without the GF I’d say your DD is BU. Your DS has been a little entitled moving his GF into your house over lockdown though, I can see why your DD may be sick of her at this stage...

MoiJeJous · 22/03/2021 22:11

I’m with your DD. Sometimes you just want to have family time and she probably just wants to have fun with her brother without someone else there.

Gemma2019 · 22/03/2021 22:15

I'm with your DD, it changes the whole dynamic. Don't invite the GF, there will be loads more opportunities to go on holiday with her, maybe when your DD is also in a relationship and there will be three couples. Just have your family holiday with the four of you.

PugInTheHouse · 22/03/2021 22:17

Last family holiday as a unit of 4? Life moves on, kids grow up and get partners. You move on as a family, surely that is how life works?

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 22:21

@PugInTheHouse

Last family holiday as a unit of 4? Life moves on, kids grow up and get partners. You move on as a family, surely that is how life works?
He's 20. She's his bird.
Precipice · 22/03/2021 22:22

she'll probably turn round soon and say she doesn't want to go atall and will be going on holiday with her friends

Uh, she's 16. She's not going to be going on holiday with her friends instead.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 22:23

@Precipice

she'll probably turn round soon and say she doesn't want to go atall and will be going on holiday with her friends

Uh, she's 16. She's not going to be going on holiday with her friends instead.

Baked has a worrying hatred for a 16 year old she doesn't know.
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 22:26

She wanted the holiday just us ages ago before D's was even with the gf!

OP posts:
JLQ1020 · 22/03/2021 22:29

Having been in a somewhat similar situation I hated my brothers girlfriend she was horrible to me and my sister but so lovely to my parents and brother and in front of my parents so nice. So made it look like I was the drama queen. So of course I was forced to spend girlie time with her and I hated it! Then things fell apart mum and dad and brother finally believed me and sister.

Maybe your DS girlfriend isn't so nice to your DD.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 22:30

@RootyT00t I don't, I just remember being 16 and changing my mind every 3 seconds. She's away to turn 17, will be 18 when the holiday happens (at her request) when I was 18 I wanted to go away without my parents. When you're that age things change from day to day 🙄 she's also requested that she has a holiday with just her mum and dad, too. Obviously none of this is unreasonable or demanding though..Confused

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 22:30

@Precipice

she'll probably turn round soon and say she doesn't want to go atall and will be going on holiday with her friends

Uh, she's 16. She's not going to be going on holiday with her friends instead.

OP said DD will be 18 when the holiday happens..as that is when she wanted to go.
Bluntness100 · 22/03/2021 22:31

Honestly, I don’t think anyone can say if you’re right or wrong because you yourself don’t know her reasoning,

My guess would be she’s going to feel like a spare part, two couples and her. If it’s just her brother it’s a bit more fun for her.

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