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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/03/2021 18:03

@Lentillover1900

I recall you from another thread OP

I find it strange your DD is so keen on a family holiday
But doesn’t want to eat with you and your DH for a family meal in the evening but prefers to eat alone!

She sounds like she’s maybe being a little contrary

Or maybe she doesn't want to sit and eat with two couples every night.
Tistheseason17 · 23/03/2021 18:03

@Lentillover1900

I recall you from another thread OP

I find it strange your DD is so keen on a family holiday
But doesn’t want to eat with you and your DH for a family meal in the evening but prefers to eat alone!

She sounds like she’s maybe being a little contrary

Ooh, this is interesting. Makes me more inclined to say your DD is feeling pushed out with her brother's GF there and already avoiding being the spare part on a daily basis Quite sad, really.
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 23/03/2021 18:06

I wouldn't want to be a fifth wheel on holiday. Especially what was meant to be a family holiday.

Ifeelsuchafool · 23/03/2021 18:09

Have your DD and DS been particularly close growing up? And is GF the first serious relationship for DS?
I only ask because my younger DD and DS were particularly close growing up (both got/get on ok with older DD but she's a bit of a loner and definitely not as codependant as younger two) and DD2 found it difficult when girls came on the scene for DS. Not in a weird way, she didn't act up or anything but confided in me that, whilst she was happy for her brother and thought his GF nice, she was sad that their childhood closeness was clearly changing and finding the adjustment to no longer being the most important girl in his life emotionally challenging. She made the adjustment and they're still very close.
GF #1 gave way to GF #2 and then to GF #3 who we all thought was THE one and they set up home on leaving college. DD also loved GF#3 and they became fast friends but, sadly, lockdown robbed both DS and GF of their income (both professional classical musicians) and their home and their relationship was the final casualty last October. DD has been DS's rock he says through all of this.
Your DD may have been looking forward to a few days together wih just her mum and dad and big brother if she's had the GF living with you for a long time perhaps?

Lentillover1900 · 23/03/2021 18:16

Or maybe she doesn't want to sit and eat with two couples every night.

Apparently the brother and his girlfriend also always eat alone

So DD adamant she wants a family holiday
But eats her dinner alone in her room because doesn’t want to eat with her parents

Vynalbob · 23/03/2021 18:23

You're putting your ds gf above the feelings of your dd. YABU. Think she wants just her whole family unit... which is fair.
Also you're settling a president....how could you possibly refuse any future partner your dd may have (even if you want to)... by taking her feelings into account it gives you leverage (yes I know I'm sneaky)

Harleyband · 23/03/2021 18:24

I would have felt the same when I was 16. In fact I still feel the same today. My parents and sisters feel the opposite. We haven't had a "family" holiday in decades that was just the immediate (includes partners and kids) family. The dynamic does change. I'm an introvert. It's quite difficult to have to deal with non-family members at any time but especially difficult when I'm supposed to be relaxing on holiday. I go on holiday with my own family (DH and DCs) now.

altiara · 23/03/2021 18:30

OP, have a think about you and DH want to do. They’re your holiday plans as well.

I don’t think DD should be dictating all the holidays. I was thinking no one was actually being unreasonable until you said DD was dictating the other holiday as well.

Well, maybe you and DH get to say where, when and who is invited...

whiteroseredrose · 23/03/2021 18:32

I'm with your DD. The dynamic would change.

My DC are nearly 18 and 21. We discussed holidays recently and both like the idea of family holidays as a 4 and separate holidays with their girlfriend or boyfriend or groups of friends.

The family holiday is a bonus (because we pay for everything) and separate to what you do with friends.

DS and DD get on very well though and like wandering off together.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/03/2021 18:32

@Lentillover1900

*Or maybe she doesn't want to sit and eat with two couples every night.*

Apparently the brother and his girlfriend also always eat alone

So DD adamant she wants a family holiday
But eats her dinner alone in her room because doesn’t want to eat with her parents

Eating alone with your parents isn't the same as having a family meal with your brother there, though.

Her brother and girlfriend leave her out by eating alone every night - she probably prefers to sit in her room than be stuck on her own with her parents.

Whereas a holiday with the four of them, she could hang out with her brother and not feel like a total gooseberry.

ManOfKent · 23/03/2021 18:33

YANBU, but she is.
If you kick the gf into touch your son probably won't go, so it still won't be a family holiday.
I've been there myself, and it is horrible!!
Good luck.

Lentillover1900 · 23/03/2021 18:37

The brother and his girlfriend eat alone because the girlfriend has an eating disorder

That won’t change on holiday. So they will eat alone as at home.

Sunrainsnow · 23/03/2021 18:45

As a younger sibling I can get where your daughter is coming from. When my sister left University she went traveling for 18months (I was at University myself by then. That Christmas felt so weird and lonely without her, just me and my parents. The following Christmas my sister brought her boyfriend with her (now my BIL). If anything I hated that even more, it felt so intrusive on something that for me was about family (and I was an adult by then). Christmas continued to be the 5 of us and I got used to it. Then came a Christmas where there were 3 extra my now husband and my sister's twin babies. Then my oldest. Then a mixed blessing the addition of my youngest, but sadly my Dad was in bed for most of it as he was recovering from radiotherapy due to cancer. By the following Christmas he wasn't with us at all. Given the chance I would definitely relive those Christmas where my sister was traveling and the first with BIL, so I could spend Christmas with my Dad again. So yes while I get where your Dd is coming from, it is inevitable that families evolve. Sometimes changes are happy ones, other times we might not particularly like it and others it's devastating. The changes come whatever we feel about them and it is part of growing up to learn to accept that. I am not sure you would be doing your Dd any favours by saying Ds girlfriend is no longer invited. I also think it would be unfair on your Dd and his girlfriend to change your mind now and could cause resentment.

Sunrainsnow · 23/03/2021 18:46

*DD and his girlfriend

itsgettingwierd · 23/03/2021 19:03

I'd suggest to her she gets a job and saves up and her and brother do a weekend away together.

Or perhaps she'd prefer friend to beach holiday instead as a compromise?

But.... She sounds like she's dictating far too much. Yeah dynamics are changing and it's hard but to not talk to you because she isn't getting to dictate who comes on a holiday that you're paying for? One where she's been offered a friend to come along?

Fuck that shit Grin

HopeEternalDad · 23/03/2021 19:07

Ok bit of an out there idea but is it possible that she would like to talk to you all as a family about something in an away from home relaxed environment?

NotAPanda · 23/03/2021 19:22

@Lentillover1900

*Or maybe she doesn't want to sit and eat with two couples every night.*

Apparently the brother and his girlfriend also always eat alone

So DD adamant she wants a family holiday
But eats her dinner alone in her room because doesn’t want to eat with her parents

That changes things - I can see why the girl wouldn’t want to go on a holiday where she can’t even have dinner with her own brother!
billy1966 · 23/03/2021 19:28

So the girlfriend with her eating disorder moves in and her brother no longer eats with the family as a result?

Really?

I would love to know how your daughter feels about the changes in the house since lockdown.

If she feels displaced with these changes she has every right to.

She is still a child at 16.

Heyyyyhey91 · 23/03/2021 19:38

If only I had your problems

Suzi888 · 23/03/2021 19:42

So she can bring a friend on the four night break AND gets another family hol.
She is being unreasonable! If she doesn’t want to go I’ll come Grin. She’s very lucky.

She needs to give you a reason at least.

aquashiv · 23/03/2021 19:55

I'm with your dd. It does change things and maybe she really wants just all of you together.

WisnaeMe · 23/03/2021 20:02

@billy1966

So the girlfriend with her eating disorder moves in and her brother no longer eats with the family as a result?

Really?

I would love to know how your daughter feels about the changes in the house since lockdown.

If she feels displaced with these changes she has every right to.

She is still a child at 16.

I agree 🌺

Doona · 23/03/2021 20:07

But eats her dinner alone in her room because doesn’t want to eat with her parents

She never explained why the DD eats alone in her room or that it was her preference. Maybe she feels self-conscious because the gf is "uncomfortable" around people eating, or maybe she's stressed around her "bad cop" dad and the tension between her parents (another thread). In any case, lockdown life sounds so dreary for this teen! Like it is for so many of them. I hope they all get lovely holidays!

abeanbaked · 23/03/2021 20:50

So the girlfriend with her eating disorder moves in and her brother no longer eats with the family as a result?**

He is an adult, surely he can choose wether he wants to eat with them or not. I can imagine that's a fairly sensitive subject for the partner and his girlfriend. Perhaps my family just weren't that close but I was an adult child who lived at home and I had my own plans/life, I certainly didn't commit to sitting eating with my parents and sibling every night Hmm would love to know what the DS thoughts are on all of this. Is DD very dependent and sensitive,

NotAPanda · 23/03/2021 21:12

@billy1966

So the girlfriend with her eating disorder moves in and her brother no longer eats with the family as a result?

Really?

I would love to know how your daughter feels about the changes in the house since lockdown.

If she feels displaced with these changes she has every right to.

She is still a child at 16.

Out of interest what sort of eating disorder necessitates eating alone...?