To send my partners nans card back

[DawnR96]

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

YABU in that it’s your partners gran. It’s up to him to discuss this with her and undertake any required actions. If he is a wet lettuce about it then your problem should be with him, not the gran.

Needn't be a big issue: she's not your eldest's GGM, and that's all that child needs to be told should she question not receiving birthday money.
You can choose whether or not this is an issue for your child.

It actually sounds like it's you she doesn't like. Perhaps she doesn't think you are good enough to be with her grandson. Anyway I would send her stuff back and go NC as she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Seriously, you are over thinking this about a great grandmother that you admit you have very little to do with .... don't send the card back, that would just be incredibly petty and mean.

@HeddaGarbled

It’s not generous behaviour on her part but your eldest isn’t her grandchild so I think she’s not obliged. Does your eldest not have any of her father’s family in her life?

Of course she's not obliged to, but that's hardly the point of the thread.

OP - you've spoken to your partner's Nan about how much this bothers you all and she has chosen to ignore you. So you KNOW she is now being deliberately mean and provocative. Absolutely - go ahead and return the card and money you've just received. You do it if your partner won't.

But it isn't her great grandchild...

Quite frankly I feel like if you can't accept my whole family as family, then I don't want anything from you I agree with this OP, but I think this has to be decided by your DP as it is his family.

Here’s a slightly different view. Do you think the nan doesn’t send money to your eldest because she thinks she’s getting birthday cards or gifts from mum and mum’s family, dad and dad’s family, step dad etc etc. Do you think that she might think your daughter gets enough already?

How horrible. Yes, definitely return the card and the money - in a larger envelope tasting exctky what you wrote above that if she cannot accept (name of DD9), then the family will be cutting off contact with her. Should be sent from your DH. Actually signed by him.

Then mean it

You know what I’d just ignore it and eyeroll too. Make a joke out of it. Don’t give her the power to upset you, she’s daft, hard work, unreasonable ...don’t let her wind you up this much.

It’ll cause a big drama.

But your eldest has a gran of her own? So potentially she'll end up with twice as much?

My exes mum tried pulling this crap with my eldest ( her biological grandchild) and my eldest made the decision that she no longer wants to see her if she can’t be bothered to treat her the same as her siblings. Ex wasn’t happy but tough, he should have dealt with his mother and told her to pack it in.

Definitely send cards back.

I agree with you. While she doesn't have to send him anything, a card and a little token something would make your eldest feel included. How horrible to do this.

Unfortunately she isn’t her GGC so why should she be expected to get her anything? Where does it end, will you expect inheritance from her too?

I can sort of see both sides. Yes, it would be nice of the grandma to include the eldest child but she is not related to her, and presumably the eldest child has her own grandparents on her dad's side - do they send cards to the youngest children that are not their own?

I suppose one question is, how does your eldest feel about it?

I'm in a similar situation. My two younger siblings have a different dad to me. Their dad (my stepdad) treats me as his just the same, but it's different with grandparents. Their grandparents always gave them a lot more presents/ cards etc than they would ever give to me, take them on days out etc., but to be honest I don't begrudge them it and I wouldn't want it to be withdrawn from them just because I'm not getting the same.

It is a bit rubbish, but in truth I am not their biological grandchild, and there's always going to be a slightly different relationship there with blood relatives. It would be nice if everyone could see it differently and be more inclusive but it's just not always the way it is, you can't force a relationship that isn't there.

You're being unreasonable. You don't get to decide what other people do with their time and money. She isn't obliged to send her grandson's girlfriend's kid anything.

I think the issue here is not what to do about cards, it’s what to do about the way she treats you both. She hasn’t accepted you or your eldest as part of the family. This is for your DH to get to the bottom of and sort out. If you barely see her anyway then go completely no contact until you get satisfactory answers. I’d get him talk to your daughter about it and apologise on behalf of his gran, and make a big fuss of her and give her equivalent cash (same as her siblings received).

You'll never change her behaviour.

Why can't you:

A) explain to the eldest that the grandma is a dotty old, forgetful lady and give her £5 from you or whatever it is; I do this with my kids, they're full siblings but one great Aunt just forgets one of them.

B) intercept the mail - you must recognise her hand writing

I think the Nan is bvu BUT she's under no obligation to buy your dc a card or give money, as far as she's concerned your eldest isn't part of the family and I do get that.

I've got one birth child and one adopted child and all the family, bar one person, treats them the same. After years of this I've come to the conclusion that there really is nothing I can do about it other than talk to my ad and explain the situation and ensure that she doesn't feel left out. But I don't take the gifts or cards off my bc as she's entitled to the gifts. Thankfully my bc is very thoughtful and will always share her gifts etc.

To be fair she's not required to send your dc a card anyway. It would likely upset the other dc to have their card sent back. I wouldn't worry about it.

I would start sending cards and cash to your daughter on her birthday and write the nan’s name in the card. Then persuade your daughter to send her a thank you card. Your daughter will feel included and the nan will get the message that way without being obviously spiteful.

Does your daughters gran send cards to your other two children?
Are they still in your life?
(Sorry of this has been mentioned further down the thread)

Have you tried talking to her??

I was that eldest child who was taken on. I never understood why aunts and uncles forgot my birthday but made a huge fuss of my younger sisters.

YANBU