Page 6 | To send my partners nans card back

Countrygirl2021 · 22/03/2021 07:09

To be honest, if she's a great grandma then I image she's quite elderly. Perhaps family swapping didn't happen so much in her era so in her eyes your child is not her great grandchild. I wouldn't exclude a child, I don't think it's ok but it's really not necessary to have a drama over it.

Does your eldest not get cards etc from their paternal family?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 22/03/2021 07:10

I do think it should be your DP that does this and not leave it to you, but yes unreasonable behaviour.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/03/2021 07:17

She’s being purposely nasty. I’d understand if she hadn’t been told about your eldest child being upset, but she has been told - and yet she’s deliberately excluding them.

She’s clearly doing this to have a go at you. I think you said upthread that your eldest’s birthday is 5 days away from one of your other child’s birthdays, so Great Gran could simply put a card for your eldest and that child in one envelope.

I’d be tempted to send back the other child’s card too. I don’t know if that’s the right answer but maybe pointing out that it’s upsetting your other two children to see your DD excluded like this would be something to add.

But the best thing is for your DP or one of his family to have another firmer word with Great Gran - not just about her nastiness with the card but the way she treats you.

diamondpony80 · 22/03/2021 07:18

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. She’s a great grandmother so she’s from a very different generation. I wouldn’t expect her to understand blended families, particularly when you’re not even married. Personally I’d just let it go.

B33Fr33 · 22/03/2021 07:22

I can't believe how ignorant people are! Of course family's were blended the past! But society did a lot more to support the behaviour of unfeeling dicks, there are a lot of "aunts" (turning out to be half siblings) and "cousins" living with the only decent family members in most people's family histories thanks to a society that enjoys punishing and demonizing single mothers and their children. Punishing a child for their existence is the act of a heartless beast and always has been. Return all her cards and cut her out of your lives.

Happymum12345 · 22/03/2021 07:28

I’d take the money and buy something nice for all of your children and let her know. What a nasty thing to do.

Wiredforsound · 22/03/2021 07:29

The link is pretty tenuous, to be fair. I really wouldn’t let it bother me. If she wants to be mean let her get on with it. It takes far more effort to send a card back than just give it to your daughter. My partners parents are nice to my kids when they see them and slip them a fiver now and again, but they’re not their grandkids and I wouldn’t expect them to treat them all the same. My kids have their own grandparents to treat them.

JosephineBaker · 22/03/2021 07:30

While to you, you’re a family, that’s not necessarily how she sees it. Dd1 is her grandson’s girlfriend’s child which is a pretty remote relationship from her.

If I’ve correctly followed your posts, DD1 is 5, so you are 20 and have 3 children under 5 and aren’t married. Her generation can be more rigid (judgemental) about that stuff, so perhaps she doesn’t see your family as the permanent stable unit that you do.

I’d been with DP for 10 years before we had children and his gran still didn’t regard us as a proper family until we married.

Brefugee · 22/03/2021 07:30

She sounds old fashioned, especially if you're not married she probably doesn't see you as a relation at all. Clearly she doesn't approve of you. She's old (how old?) and isn't going to change, especially if it comes from you. Clearly your Partner doesn't want to rock the boat.

Be more creative. Divide the money between the 3 children and send a card back to say thanks from all 3. Just stick it in a savings account and let them have it when they're older.

Diddledumpling22 · 22/03/2021 07:31

What message is she sending by this behaviour? That she doesn't like your eldest? That she doesn't see her as part of the family? What is she like with her in person?

Absolutely horrible behaviour, your poor dd must feel so excluded.

FreshFancyFrogglette · 22/03/2021 07:34

I think you'd be opening up a can of worms to intercept something meant for one a of your children. However bizarre and cruel the Nan is, she ia presumably addressing the birthday card/s to her grandchildren? Therefore you are effectively stealing their mail and money by intercepting it.. When they get older they may ask you why you prevented contact, or chose to open something addressed to them.

I think this is a lesson and u have to use it to teach your kids something. Life is full of hurrendous unfairness that we can't change. But we can change our reaponse to it.

If it were me I'd explain to your oldest that some people are cruel and stuck in their ways, but it's up to your youngest to choose for themselves (when they are old enough) whether they want contact with said grandparent or not. Hopefully by the time they are old enough to fully grasp the ituation they will write to said grandparent themselves and tell them they want nothing to do with them. But thats up to them.. In the meantime every time they receive a Christmas card that leaves your dc out, make a special effort to buy her something nice yourself, or match the amount given my the grandparent.

I guess in essence what I'm saying is its very bad practice to intercept someone's elses card/gift, no matter what the circumstances, ages, etc. Use this as a learning opportunity, some people are bizarre, cruel, and mean, let your kids figure out how to deal with it!

Brefugee · 22/03/2021 07:35

tbh in a wider sense - don't throw things at me - a family isn't in any way obliged to treat the children of a blended family in the same way for a variety of reasons. It's lovely when they do, but some people have a real bee in their bonnet about blood being thicker than water and so on.

it is shit though

Sp3849 · 22/03/2021 07:37

OK my advice to you is to sort it out.

We was in a similar situation where my mil treated our children (biological) very different to her other grandchildren. She used to invite the others over to sleep and not mine. She would buy the others birthday and Christmas gifts and not mine. When she inherited a large amount of money she gave them all 100 pounds but mine had nothing. She did this openly. I never felt she liked me much. My husband never addressed the issue. He let it go many many times. I left it as I didn't want to cause a rift in the family! My children have so much love and are spoilt rotten they didn't need her.

However, now my ds is 15 my dd is 9 and my dh and mil haven't spoken in 2 years! They had a huge row a massive one over something so petty but the resentment of how she treated him and his children so diferently just spilled out. The damage is irreparable. He has lost contact with his siblings and now has no family. Them being treated in the way children and grandchildren should be couldn't see my dh side. Plus she does alot for them and they wouldn't want to loose free childcare or their cashpoint so they cut him off too! To be honest it is probably for the best. It wasn't just his children that was treated different but he ways was too! I asked my kids the other day how they felt about it. Asking if they would like to see their nan. Not that she has even asked to see them at all in the past 2 years. But it makes me sad to be honest. My family are so close. I was shocked to be honest at the effect of how they felt about being treated so differently to their cousins. I thought I had sheltered them from it. Hidden it well. I guess not! They became old enough to sense it and see it for themselves.
I would sort it out now before it escalates and damage is done. Sadly though this is your partners fight. Not yours. If he loves your daughter like his own. Then this shouldn't be an issue. She will know she is being treated differently no matter how much you try to hide it and you don't want that x

camsue · 22/03/2021 07:43

How old is she? Is this deliberate or an omission? How many grandchildren and great grandchildren are there?

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 07:45

I'm also going against the majority and say do nothing in terms of the card except give it to to your middle child. It's definitely mean, have been in a similar circumstance myself, but it's not worth causing a family divide over her traditional views. She is entitled to think of family as only the ones familial link. Being your partner's gran/children's great gran, it does suggests that she's likely to be of an age where her views are not easily changed.

How does the rest of his family treat your eldest?

GreenClock · 22/03/2021 07:52

She treats other non-bio relatives with respect so this is nothing to do with blood.

She treats other unmarried relatives with respect so this is nothing to do with matrimony.

I think it’s all about you having had a baby at 15, OP. She possibly thinks you’re not good enough. I don’t know what your work situation is, but she may regard you as a gold-digger.

Your boyfriend and his dad have tried to reason with this petty woman. I think that all you can do now is manage your DC1’s expectations. Explain that some people are spiteful sometimes and life isn’t always fair.

Blockedoff · 22/03/2021 07:59

How awful to leave one single child in a family out. Why would anyone do that?

If you'd met when your first was 15, I still wouldn't leave one person in a family out.

So she sends cards to

DH
YOU
DC2
DC3

And she can't see how awful that all is for DC1?

Can't believe some people here think that's ok.

Nasty woman, the cards would be going back if it were me.

Springsnake · 22/03/2021 08:00

I’d just explain to your daughter,
that she is very old ,and confused and forgetful and doesn’t realise what she is doing ..is and probably won’t be around much longer...I’d give the 9 year old the same money from my own pocket
..then I’d not make any effort to take any of the children to see her ..
I’d be telling my dh ,she either treats them all the same ,or sees none of them.

ivfbeenbusy · 22/03/2021 08:03

Does she get a card from her biological grandmother?

To be fair She's your child not hers. Blended families are great but it doesn't mean that the wider family have to integrate everyone the same way you have?

Alsohuman · 22/03/2021 08:10

@LouiseTrees

Send it back ripped but take the money out of it and buy all 3 kids something then send her a photo with , thanks all 3 of our kids really enjoyed an ice cream ) or whatever) each with your money.

Please put this idea out of your head!

Depriving two of your children because the third isn’t treated the same is ridiculous. However your partner feels about your eldest isn’t relevant, his nan doesn’t feel the same way and you can’t make her. Do they get gifts and cards from their dad’s family that the younger two don’t?

BRB2021 · 22/03/2021 08:11

Sad that a grown woman can take her dislike for you out on a child.
Your partner should ask her why she does this each and every time she does it. It's good his dad has stuck up for you too

BusyLizzie61 · 22/03/2021 08:13

@DawnR96

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

Your oh chose to accept your eldest as his. Noone else is obligated to do the same.

Yabu.

What real difference is one card in the big scheme of things? Unless she's gifting £100s to the 2 children? If really bothered, divide the younger 2 money into 3. However, your eldest also has paternal great/grandparents, so are they expected to also provide for your other 2?!

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2021 08:14

Depriving two of your children because the third isn’t treated the same is ridiculous. However your partner feels about your eldest isn’t relevant, his nan doesn’t feel the same way and you can’t make her.
How old is she? Is your partner same age as you as if you were 15 when you had dd1 who is now 9, at 24 your dps Grandma could only be in her 60s/70s?
You could end up causing rifts in your children's relationship with each other.
If dd1s parental family do get back in touch will you refuse this unless they treat your other children the same?

Twoforthree · 22/03/2021 08:16

I think it's probably because you are not married as that was a real stigma when she was young. In effect, you aren't family.

I'd get dh to send back the card. He needs to follow through last years words, with actions. "His" children need to be all treated the same.

CecilyP · 22/03/2021 08:18

I would start sending cards and cash to your daughter on her birthday and write the nan’s name in the card.

This would just be bloody ridiculous.

The great gran is being mean but I think it is silly to say it’s cruel. This sounds like quite a big extended family so all the children probably get quite a lot cards and presents from other people so would a child really be aware of one less. I think OP probably feels very much slighted by this woman’s behaviour and is far more upset than the child is ever likely to be by not getting a card and money from a great gran she never sees anyway.