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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:

Joinedjustforthispost · 22/03/2021 22:59

Yabu and spiteful op , so however horrible and shitty bans behaviour is you are making sure that because your dc has missed out then your partners dc will miss out, am I correct or have I misread? If so it’s not there fault and they shouldn’t miss out because you are not happy.

frazzledasarock · 22/03/2021 23:38

They’re all her children, they are two dc who are half siblings to OP’s eldest child.

Three dc in total.

Lanique · 23/03/2021 07:59

You and your dp aren't married therefore she doesn't see your dd as family.

You're dealing with someone of a much older generation to you.

Not saying her attitude is ok btw.

Santatizer · 23/03/2021 08:29

YANBU - but I'm not sure that there is anything you can do about it without potentially impacting both your DP and your other two children in terms of their relationships with his Nan. Does your 9yo mention the fact that her siblings get gifts and she doesn't? Does it upset her? If so, I think you just have to explain it to her matter of factly - that is what I would do. In a blended family, it is important to manage expectations - your DD needs to be aware that she isn't biologically family to your DP's family and that your family is a different kind of family from one where everyone is related. It doesn't mean anyone is less loved or important but it does mean that some family members have different relatives from each other and so will sometimes have different experiences. You have to accept that and you have to help your daughter to accept it too. You are seeing things purely from your own viewpoint and because you want your family to operate as if the above isn't the case, you feel everyone else should too. Whether they should or not isn't at question and some of the ways that his Nan has behaved seem pretty unpleasant but you can't control her actions or her feelings about the situation, you can only manage the complications of a blended family as best you can at your end. I don't think it is right to deprive your two younger children of cards, presents and potentially a relationship with their great-nan if you send the card back etc but you do need to manage expectations with your eldest DD. Her family situation isn't the same as that of your other two DDs. I do understand the hurt it can make you feel as a parent to realise that one of your DC will not have the same situation and experiences where extended family are concerned - you feel protective of them and part of it might be feeling guilty that your eldest DD ended up with such a shit show of a father and extended family (and I say this as someone in a VERY similar position, with one DC who has zero contact with his waste of space father and one DC who is my child with current DP, so I'm not talking as someone who doesn't get it) but you can't expect everyone involved to feel as you do. Your daughter's biological family is what it is and has to be accepted. If you manage her expectations so that she understands this and understands why she might not get a card and present from your DP's Nan (ie because she isn't a biological relative and for some people, that matters) I think she will not be bothered by it. It's only if YOU make it clear to her that it's some kind of rejection or has an impact on her value that she will feel this herself. We can't always protect our children from experiencing hurt as a result of the actions of others but we can try to manage that as best we can by being understanding and loving but also by being honest and factual, in a way that is age-appropriate.

FamilyOfAliens · 23/03/2021 08:39

@Lanique

You and your dp aren't married therefore she doesn't see your dd as family.

You're dealing with someone of a much older generation to you.

Not saying her attitude is ok btw.

I dropped back into this thread to see if it’s been resolved - its clear that people still haven’t RTFT.

OP says the great-grandma treats other non-blood related children in the family the same as the blood-related ones.

It’s only the OP’s child that is treated as lesser.

AppleJane · 23/03/2021 08:48

Exactly @FamilyOfAliens head and brick wall springs to mind.

OllyBJolly · 23/03/2021 08:51

Maybe the nan has a much better relationship with the other children? I'm certainly much more generous to one set of nieces and nephews than I am to others. Nothing to do with blood relations, just that they are an absolute delight who I enjoy spending time with.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2021 09:06

@Santatizer Well said.

Santatizer · 23/03/2021 09:14

@FamilyofAliens no, I have RTFT and the same advice still applies. We have no idea why the Nan sees other non-biological family members differently but it doesn't change how the OP should (imo) handle it with her DD.

HoppingPavlova · 23/03/2021 09:17

I dropped back into this thread to see if it’s been resolved - its clear that people still haven’t RTFT.

OP says the great-grandma treats other non-blood related children in the family the same as the blood-related ones.

No, the way I read it was the difference was the other non-blood related children in the family were kids of someone now MARRIED to a family member. It appears this is the difference as OP and her great grandson are not married. Great gran will take that to mean not serious and not an official part of the family as such.

I certainly don’t think this but it’s pretty easy to see how a great grandparent would have this mentality given the era they were raised in. They have different social norms and conventions in their heads than we consider normal now.

Lanique · 23/03/2021 09:40

@FamilyOfAliens @AppleJane brick wall springs to mind for me too. Did you not read the bit about the op not being married? This is a woman two generations older than us who was probably raised to believe that marriage led to family connection.

Branleuse · 23/03/2021 09:59

No way is this about anything other than you.
Your kid is 100% not going to care if they recieve a 30p card or phone call from some dotty old bat who is related to their siblings.
Just dont mention it. Noone will even notice.
I honestly cant get my head round the drama some people seem to go looking for.
Its an elderly woman, you probably hardly see her anyway, but its your boyfriends actual nana who probably doesnt even have years left.
Why on earth would you want to teach her a lesson.
Your eldest kid is nothing to do with her legally or morally. Kids do not notice this stuff. Its about you

Santatizer · 23/03/2021 11:23

@Branleuse 100%!

CecilyP · 23/03/2021 11:43

Yes, Branleuse is right. While the great gran sounds meanspirited, there is no need to make it into a major drama. As long as all the other closer family members treat your eldest the same as her siblings, she will be fine.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2021 12:03

@Branleuse Couldn't agree more. I really feel people are overstating the undeniability of the malicious intent here. Chances are she's just an old woman with a lot of people in her life and she doesn't actually think about this all that much. Being told how extremely hurtful she was being (with an undercurrent of words like pathetic and cruel) probably seemed really OTT to her, and all these suggestions of all the things OP could do to "teach her a lesson" would be even worse. Many of the suggestions could cause a huge amount of upset, far more than a 9 year old is likely to feel for being missing one card amongst presumably many, from an elderly relative she barely knows. Such cards are generally very, very small moments on a child's birthday. Meanwhile, people are advocating approaches that could ruin the relationship between OPs partner and his grandmother, quite possibly (depending on her age) given that she is a Great Grandmother, when she doesn't have all that much longer to live.

Chillychangchoo · 23/03/2021 12:08

She sounds a bit mean. Initially she could have just not thought but as she was told about it, she’s just making a point.

It’s a bit mean all round leaving a child out. Send the cards back.

Missreginafalange · 23/03/2021 12:26

[quote Lanique]**@FamilyOfAliens* @AppleJane* brick wall springs to mind for me too. Did you not read the bit about the op not being married? This is a woman two generations older than us who was probably raised to believe that marriage led to family connection.[/quote]

But the OP has said other non married members of the family have non bio kids together and they get presents so that's not true...

AppleJane · 23/03/2021 13:23

Exactly @Missreginafalange if anything it's more likely to do with the op being 15 when she had her first child.

But what age is this gran, 70, 75? And the op has said she's been spoken to about it before. It's deliberate now.

Like I said before, nasty young people turn into nasty old people. We need to stop romanticising all old people as simple and sweet. Some are calculated and mean.

Jamboree01 · 24/03/2021 00:46

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Branleuse Couldn't agree more. I really feel people are overstating the undeniability of the malicious intent here. Chances are she's just an old woman with a lot of people in her life and she doesn't actually think about this all that much. Being told how extremely hurtful she was being (with an undercurrent of words like pathetic and cruel) probably seemed really OTT to her, and all these suggestions of all the things OP could do to "teach her a lesson" would be even worse. Many of the suggestions could cause a huge amount of upset, far more than a 9 year old is likely to feel for being missing one card amongst presumably many, from an elderly relative she barely knows. Such cards are generally very, very small moments on a child's birthday. Meanwhile, people are advocating approaches that could ruin the relationship between OPs partner and his grandmother, quite possibly (depending on her age) given that she is a Great Grandmother, when she doesn't have all that much longer to live. [/quote]
All of this... a voice of reason

AppleJane · 24/03/2021 06:57

She doesn't have all that much longer to live?

Let's do the maths. Op was 15 when she had her 9 year old. That makes her mid twenties. The grandparents possibly mid to late forties. The GG possibly mid to late sixties. She could live another 30 years.

No one is saying haul the GG over the coals. Just don't waste thirty of your own years dancing to someone else's tune.

Twoforthree · 24/03/2021 08:31

Well I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to do her shopping etc, for her in the future.
I suspect it's because she feels you disrespected her by seating dd at the dinner table when she'd said she should eat later. That's not nice either. She just doesn't sound a very nice person.
Teach your dd that there are people like this in the world but there are plenty of other people who are lovely like x, y and z. Help her see that it's Nan, not her.

aSofaNearYou · 24/03/2021 10:49

@AppleJane

She doesn't have all that much longer to live?

No one is saying haul the GG over the coals. Just don't waste thirty of your own years dancing to someone else's tune.

You'll notice that I said possibly when mentioning her age. That was just one factor among many, a lot of the suggestions here are highly confrontational and crass regardless of how long she has to live. But I mentioned that as a possibility because she has several grown up grandchildren, some of which are old enough to have their own children. My grandmother died when she was 64 and my grandfather died a few months after my DD was born- he was at an old age and I was mid twenties, like you've described OP as being. So it doesn't seem at all unlikely to me that she could be quite old or not have long to live.

Either way, making plans to deliberately cause a rift in your PARTNER's family, not your own, because you feel they are not putting enough effort in for you and yours, is really poor form. I have some issues with my partner's family but I could never dream of making some kind of confrontational statement about my grievances to them. Rifts between family members are things that can be very easily and bitterly regretted, and this is OPs husbands grandmother.

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