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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
ImAlrightThanx · 22/03/2021 15:47

Can't believe some of the replies on here.
No, the grandmother isn't obliged to anything, but it's nasty and petty and pretty horrible of her to freeze out one child. It wouldn't cost her much to send a card- I assume she sends them to friends and wished/wishes her coworkers a happy birthday. So to not extend the same basic curtesy to her grandchildren's sibling - the child her grandchild willingly took on as his own- is just nasty.

Ermintrude74 · 22/03/2021 15:50

@ImAlrightThanx

Can't believe some of the replies on here. No, the grandmother isn't obliged to anything, but it's nasty and petty and pretty horrible of her to freeze out one child. It wouldn't cost her much to send a card- I assume she sends them to friends and wished/wishes her coworkers a happy birthday. So to not extend the same basic curtesy to her grandchildren's sibling - the child her grandchild willingly took on as his own- is just nasty.

Exactly. None of us are obliged to be pleasant to anyone at all. We could all go round justifying being rude to, or ignoring, anyone and everyone if we felt like it, simply by saying we don't have to be nice if we don't want to. Wouldn't make for a very pleasant world though would it?

PhatPhanny · 22/03/2021 15:55

Open the cards, keep thr money, treat all 3 children to a meal on nanny

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/03/2021 16:44

I even went up and did her shopping when she was poorly because no one else would do it, she lives 90 miles from me.

If no-one else would do it, that suggests that she's upset others in the past. Don't do it again for her.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/03/2021 17:03

@Feedingthebirds1

I even went up and did her shopping when she was poorly because no one else would do it, she lives 90 miles from me.

If no-one else would do it, that suggests that she's upset others in the past. Don't do it again for her.

Travelling 90 miles to do someone's shopping (during a pandemic, at that!) instead of having a supermarket drop off a delivery is so ridiculous I'm not sure I believe it.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/03/2021 17:32

@AlreadyDoneHadHerses

I am the one who made the " irrelevant " comment - as a reply to a PP

My apologies. I didn't mean for that to come over as abrasive.

Naunet · 22/03/2021 17:40

Is she misogynistic OP? It could be that she see’s her granddaughter’s man as being a hero for even remembering he has kids, whereas you’re a hussy for “expecting” another man to take on your child?

I don’t know, but yes it sounds spiteful. All I can say is my stepdads family never sent us cards or anything for Christmas or birthdays, but we had our own grandparents so didn’t really care. It’s possible that your daughter will grow up completely unbothered by it.

ddl1 · 22/03/2021 17:46

Travelling 90 miles to do someone's shopping (during a pandemic, at that!) instead of having a supermarket drop off a delivery is so ridiculous I'm not sure I believe it.

Was it during the pandemic, though? The OP has been with her partner for at least 7 years. And says 'when she was poorly' not 'when she was shielding/ unable to get out'. I would assume that this was a few years ago, and that there were fewer supermarket delivery options then than now, especially for those who didn't live in big towns or cities, and weren't very well off.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/03/2021 17:59

@Mittens030869 Right?! I get what everyone's saying re: no obligation but it's pretty awful behaviour from an adult. My friend's ex DH's family buy all her children gifts - but only one of them is a blood relation. It's just the decent thing to do not to leave someone out.

Mittens030869 · 22/03/2021 18:22

@UnsolicitedDickPic

I absolutely agree. It wouldn’t have occurred to us not to treat my DSis’s DSS any differently from our other DNieces and DNephews.

I don’t understand how it is that so many posters are defending this woman and others like her.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 18:25

@ImAlrightThanx

Can't believe some of the replies on here. No, the grandmother isn't obliged to anything, but it's nasty and petty and pretty horrible of her to freeze out one child. It wouldn't cost her much to send a card- I assume she sends them to friends and wished/wishes her coworkers a happy birthday. So to not extend the same basic curtesy to her grandchildren's sibling - the child her grandchild willingly took on as his own- is just nasty.
I agree, it's shocking! So horrible, it doesn't matter if it's her grandchild or not, it's not tactful and it's really nasty.

I would just stop accepting anything from her. Shame on anyone who would single out a child in such an awful way.

Fucket · 22/03/2021 18:37

I know OP may not come back, but it would be interesting to know if her eldest is aware that their stepfather is not their real father?

OP it may be worth thinking about this in case anything were to happen between you and your DP. If your DP was to formally adopt your eldest then you can say to your eldest and anyone else, no he is not your eldest’s biological child, but he is absolutely legally his child.

My uncles did this for their step children, and when one divorced he had to pay child maintenance for his adopted child. If you were to split up this wouldn’t happen and then your dp would not be obliged to treat your child as an equal.

It would also send a message to his family that he loves your eldest as his own. Then all this nonsense about “your eldest is not my relative,” would stop as in law your eldest would be family.

Mittens030869 · 22/03/2021 18:39

It wouldn’t have occurred to us not to treat my DSis’s DSS any differently from our other DNieces and DNephews.

Oh dear, that includes a ‘not’ that shouldn’t be there. I meant the exact opposite of what that says. Blush

ChocOrange1 · 22/03/2021 18:51

@Teardrop2021

DawnR96 why though shes not her grandchild. Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same. You could split up and she never see your eldest again. Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.
Would you feel the same about a grandparent not sending a card to an adopted child?
Youseethethingis · 22/03/2021 19:06

Jeez even my grandfathers sister sends something for DSD when she knits a new toy for DS.
So DSDs step great great auntie, who she has never met and hasn’t the foggiest how she is related to me.
I don’t think anyone is “obliged” to treat step kids exactly equally, as there is no such thing with blended families and you could drive yourself batty attempting it.
But it’s easy enough to send a card with a fiver in it and show some bloody respect Angry

LemonRoses · 22/03/2021 19:10

It’s mean spirited and unkind to all involved.
I think I’d go a different route by dropping off some cards and cash to grandmother and telling her they were for her to use for your eldest child. That way, there is no excuse and nobody misses out.

Mittens030869 · 22/03/2021 19:17

Would you feel the same about a grandparent not sending a card to an adopted child?

They would say that it isn’t the same. But it isn’t as different as they claim. I’m an adoptive mum. My DDs both came to live with us at 1 year old, after a year in care. (They’re three years apart in age, and birth siblings.)

GabsAlot · 22/03/2021 19:23

ignore the idiots on here saying youre entitled youre not

dont make any effort for the gg anymore and tell your dh why

FortniteBoysMum · 22/03/2021 19:35

Totally not unreasonable. Whilst it is her choice if she treats the children the same it is your choice if you accept her doing so. My eldest is not my dps. Been together 12 years. Eldest is 14. Partners father treated the children differently. I made remarks about it for a couple years but nothing changed. Then one year he transfered money for my youngest child's birthday to my account. I sent it back with a text to follow saying please do not bother if you cannot treat them the same. After that they have both received the same. My partner was very shocked as he and his full brother are treated very different to the kids in his dad's second marriage. Now at least all grandchildren are treated the same.

Zilla1 · 22/03/2021 19:40

May I recommend some social engineering, OP? Send her a note thanking her for the card and gift for your DC. Tell her not to worry about your elder DC's card and money as your DP and you have decided to give the elder 10x the monetary amount to avoid them feeling left out - try and write this using the sweetest and most innocent phrasing. If the 'nan' is spiteful, it will leave her uncertain what to do as she won't want the younger siblings to which she is 'genetically' related to get less that their elder sibling. She might even send a card and money through gritted teeth.

Good luck.

grannyinapram · 22/03/2021 20:13

@LouiseTrees

Send it back ripped but take the money out of it and buy all 3 kids something then send her a photo with , thanks all 3 of our kids really enjoyed an ice cream ) or whatever) each with your money.
oh I wish I had the guts to do something like this
GreyhoundG1rl · 22/03/2021 20:47

It would be incredibly low class to take and use the money and send the card back.
Why would anyone consider doing this? Hmm

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2021 22:02

@Zilla1

May I recommend some social engineering, OP? Send her a note thanking her for the card and gift for your DC. Tell her not to worry about your elder DC's card and money as your DP and you have decided to give the elder 10x the monetary amount to avoid them feeling left out - try and write this using the sweetest and most innocent phrasing. If the 'nan' is spiteful, it will leave her uncertain what to do as she won't want the younger siblings to which she is 'genetically' related to get less that their elder sibling. She might even send a card and money through gritted teeth.

Good luck.

What so if she gives the other dc a £5 give dd1 £50?! That's mature and a great way to build resentment between the kids!
PugInTheHouse · 22/03/2021 22:15

I am totally baffled how anyone thinks it is ok to treat a child this way, especially as they have been in the family so long, it is clearly personal. This is really sad to read actually and just shows how many spiteful adults there are around.

Zilla1 · 22/03/2021 22:17

@MichelleScarn, I said 'tell her.. you have decided to'. Where did I say actually to give 10x the cash?

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