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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 00:15

I'm not sure why I've let it bother me so much. It's the time of the month so I'm PMSing but I'm literally in tears over a lady who doesn't give a crap about me.

I've asked my partner to speak to her and he said he will. Maybe sending the cards back isn't the right answer but I just don't know why everyone else in the family is accepted but not me or my daughter. Feels really unfair. I think it may be because I was a young mum but she knows zero of the circumstances surrounding that.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 22/03/2021 00:22

It is not of your partner's gran to do this and you say she accepts his sister's step children. Could this be because they are married? I am not suggesting it is fair but some old people have old fashioned thoughts on stuff like marriage as opposed to living together. I would just give the card to your middle dd and give your eldest dd an equal amount. You cant force people to live your eldest dd but it would be wrong to stop your younger two children's Great Gran from sending them birthday and Xmas gifts. I have been very lucky because my second husband's parents have always treated my 3 children from first marriage equally with their own Grandchildren sending birthday and Xmas cards and gifts but my dh does not have any biological children of his own and so they were just so pleased to finally get some grand children. My children's biological Grand Mother never sends any of them a card or gift, never did even whilst we were married. Some people are just more loving than others. Try to be matter of fact over it as if your eldest sees you getting upset over it she will too.

LibertyWX · 22/03/2021 00:23

It sounds like she has it in for you. Probably judged the fact you had your child so young/out of wedlock. Its a generation thing. Its unacceptable!

Send the card and money back.

Ermintrude74 · 22/03/2021 00:26

@cutthebs

YABU. Whether you like it or not, she is not the eldest child's grandmother. She clearly hasn't bonded with her, and you might not like that but it is what it is. It's a bit mean not to even send a card, even without the money gift, but at the end of the day she IS the grandmother of your youngest children and it would be wrong of you to ruin that relationship because you don't like that she hasn't bonded with your other child. As pp, if you a DH split, she would never see the eldest child again... because she's not related.
Nonsense. It's not about names on birth certificates and shared DNA. It's about being a kind and decent human being to young children. It's inexcusable.
YouKnowItsTrue · 22/03/2021 00:26

I'm not sure why I've let it bother me so much.

It would bother me too. And as your DD gets older it will upset her. Sad

I’m not sure what the answer is 🤔 but do you have any thoughts on how you would deal with this situation if let’s say all your children were his but she (or anyone) singled out just one child to buy for? And would you allow that?

YouKnowItsTrue · 22/03/2021 00:29

She is being deliberately unkind IMO.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 22/03/2021 00:32

@Teardrop2021

DawnR96 why though shes not her grandchild. Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same. You could split up and she never see your eldest again. Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.
She was TWO, that's NOT 'an older child' Even if she had been 17, it's a fucking card, not a limb.
1forAll74 · 22/03/2021 00:46

I would just speak to the offending gran,and tell her how you feel about all this issue. It's spiteful what she does,and she needs to be told about it. There is no point sending cards back.

Ladderclimber · 22/03/2021 00:51

I don’t really get it. She’s not your eldest’s gran. Doesn’t she have her own gran?

MorriseysGladioli · 22/03/2021 00:55

It's unkind.
That's the short and long of it, regardless of what grans feelings are, or why she feels as she does.
Miserable old crab!

Whocares2021 · 22/03/2021 00:59

I don’t expect anything for my oldest son from my partner’s family, they are not his family, one gives us money monthly for my younger child, because they are related, so this really wouldn’t bother me at all, I couldn’t even tell you if his Nan has ever got my son a birthday card.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 22/03/2021 01:01

@DawnR96

Also, she sends my partners stepsister kids cards and everything. It's literally just me and my daughter for some reason and it hurts. I don't care about myself but my daughter matters, she really does 😭
Originally I thought maybe she's either a stickler for convention i.e only bc sending cards to blood relations or just plain nasty. Now you've updated us I can see that she's just a nasty old witch.
veryjelly · 22/03/2021 01:03

You could take the higher ground.

Give the money she sent to your middle child and give the same amount to your eldest from your own pocket. Tell both great gran sent some birthday money (don't say for who). Put the card in the bin. Both kids are happy. Maybe they even send her a joint thank you message.

If it comes up in front of the kids and she denies sending something to your eldest just say she is being silly and forgetful, as nobody would be mean enough to send to one and not another. Tell kids great gran is just forgetful if they ask about it afterwards.

Jamboree01 · 22/03/2021 01:05

So she’s not treating you differently then?

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 22/03/2021 01:06

Send it back. Don't even open it. Just return to sender.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/03/2021 01:06

It is harsh, you'll probably find a similar situation if there is any inheritance down the road.
It isn't fair to send the card back on DC2 or DC3 it happens with a blended family, if DC1 was getting gifts from her grandparents do you think they should give to DC2&3? I doubt it.

Jamboree01 · 22/03/2021 01:18

There is a lot of condemnation of the great grandmother here. Do you have a relationship with her? Does she know you and your children? Do you see her? Is it just that she was told when your younger two were born and marked the dates on her calendar to remind herself to send cards but never had that date for your eldest?

Like a few have said, I’d just give your older daughter the equivalent and not make a big deal about it as you will only cause her to be upset

Sorka · 22/03/2021 01:26

YABU to take birthdays cards and money from your other two children. The nan is horrible but it would be wrong of you to take gifts from your other children - they’re not yours to take.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/03/2021 01:37

I'd tell the DC it is pizza night on groth-bag. She is cruel especially as DD1 hasn't extended family from her dad's side.

LocalHobo · 22/03/2021 02:06

Are your eldests biological paternal family involved? Are they sending all 3 equal presents if so?

You have stated that this elderly woman knows nothing of the circumstances surrounding the birth of your eldest, so she may well assume that presents/cards are forthcoming aplenty from the paternal side.

Jamboree01 · 22/03/2021 02:09

Totally agree.

There is a great deal of judgement about this lady (the great grandmother) without much context (and some really unpleasant name calling).

FortunesFave · 22/03/2021 02:10

@RootyT00t

You cannot punish the children by sending cards back, no.
Yes she bloody can! It's not punishing them. It's making sure they're all treated the same.
SakuraEdenSwan1 · 22/03/2021 02:12

No you do not send the card back, it is not for you?

PeggyHill · 22/03/2021 02:32

It would be nice for her to send a card but it's not her great grandchild so maybe she doesn't see it that way.

I wouldn't send cards back - they aren't for you so it might come back and bite you in the arse. She will be able to say that you stopped her from sending cards to the kids. Doesn't look good.

Just let the kids know about it and they can decide for themselves what they think of her. They'll probably grow up thinking she's a bit vindictive/petty and just roll their eyes at it. I think you're making too much of a big deal out it if you send stuff back.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/03/2021 02:43

She sounds horrible.

I would send the card back, yes, with the money in still.

I assume that this is your partner's paternal grandmother, if his dad has also had a word? Maybe he needs to have another word, if your partner is too diffident about it, because it's repulsively divisive.

I can't stand people who differentiate between children in the same family like this.