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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:40

@ImAlrightThanx

She knows my eldest more than the other two. When we first met, I felt the atmosphere was really off. She wouldn't let my daughter sit down at the table with us for some reason, so I sat her on my lap to eat. She wouldn't engage in conversation with me whatsoever. I have asked her if she has an issue with me or my daughter and it's always a no, yet I feel there is a clear divide. It's just really hurtful at this point. I don't understand why you would be so petty to include the 2 kids and not the other one. Seems silly

Honestly if someone wouldn't let my child sit down in their house to eat, and then refused to talk with me, I would be gone. What did your now husband do when this happened?

We're not married but he did nothing. He hates conflict and apparently this was normal behavior by his nan. I took my daughter into the garden and spent the remainder of my time out there.
OP posts:
Serin · 21/03/2021 23:42

I think she is being cruel and heartless and I would rather she sent nothing to any of them than to single one out like this.
Protecting the self esteem of your 9 year old is far more important than risking offending a bully.
She is trying to reinforce that your eldest isn't part of DH's family. Dont let her do it OP.

ImAlrightThanx · 21/03/2021 23:43

Oh- sorry. I misread and thought he was your DH.
It doesn't sound he's going to be any help with this at all

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:44

@ImAlrightThanx

Oh- sorry. I misread and thought he was your DH. It doesn't sound he's going to be any help with this at all
It's Ok, he spoke to her last year and explained that this was hurtful. She said she simply forgot except for the fact that she's been reminded for the last 3 years and now she's done it again.

He's really gentle and hates conflict but sometimes I feel like he needs to be firmer because it's just downright hurtful at this point.

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 21/03/2021 23:46

Yanbu, that's really shitty behaviour. We both have one biological child each, but they are both equally our dc, to us and everybody else. No child should be made to feel like an outsider in order to pander to an adults ridiculous view point.

But it does beg the question of why your dp isn't telling her to stick her cards. If one of my friends tried to treat dsd as second class to dd, I wouldn't need dp to notice and raise the issue.

cutthebs · 21/03/2021 23:47

YABU. Whether you like it or not, she is not the eldest child's grandmother. She clearly hasn't bonded with her, and you might not like that but it is what it is. It's a bit mean not to even send a card, even without the money gift, but at the end of the day she IS the grandmother of your youngest children and it would be wrong of you to ruin that relationship because you don't like that she hasn't bonded with your other child.
As pp, if you a DH split, she would never see the eldest child again... because she's not related.

Cleartheair · 21/03/2021 23:49

Very cruel and spiteful to do this , I agree OP. How anyone could wilfully exclude a child is shit. Wouldn't matter between adults so much but to do it to a child is awful. I'd bin the cards she sends and ignore her totally, don't contact her at all and any interactions you have to have just be cool and abrupt. What a nasty old cow

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:50

@cutthebs

YABU. Whether you like it or not, she is not the eldest child's grandmother. She clearly hasn't bonded with her, and you might not like that but it is what it is. It's a bit mean not to even send a card, even without the money gift, but at the end of the day she IS the grandmother of your youngest children and it would be wrong of you to ruin that relationship because you don't like that she hasn't bonded with your other child. As pp, if you a DH split, she would never see the eldest child again... because she's not related.
She hasn't got a bond with any of children. We barely see her and when we have done, she has spent more time ignoring me than anything else.

Again, I'll state she gets her other nonbio grandkids cards/gifts so somehow I don't think that's the reason behind it.

OP posts:
Yesmate · 21/03/2021 23:51

She didn’t let your child have a seat at the table and your DH did nothing? You knew this before you carried on the relationship with him. He is a wuss. Don’t like conflict is a bullshit sentence from a grown man.
She is under no obligation to send anything but given that she sends other non-biologically related children cards and cash this is just spiteful. Your dh should be as upset over this as you are.

YouKnowItsTrue · 21/03/2021 23:52

Definitely let DP deal with it. Tell him how much it upsets you.

Let him come up with a solution.

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:53

@YouKnowItsTrue

Definitely let DP deal with it. Tell him how much it upsets you.

Let him come up with a solution.

He already tried last year and its happened again this year. X
OP posts:
cutthebs · 21/03/2021 23:53

Well she clearly sees her sons biological children as her grandchildren and as such sends them cards. Quite frankly, while I understand why it annoys you I'm baffled at why you don't understand that this is clearly how she thinks. If you send the cards back you will also damage the relationship she has with her son.
Just get over it 🤷‍♀️

Cleartheair · 21/03/2021 23:53

@cutthebs I can see your point totally and agree but so still think it's cruel to single the older girl out. She could send the girl a card at least, wouldn't take much effort!

Derbee · 21/03/2021 23:55

Absolutely send the cards back. As your children get older, it will upset them getting cards when their sibling is so nastily left out. So nip it in the bud now

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:55

@cutthebs

Well she clearly sees her sons biological children as her grandchildren and as such sends them cards. Quite frankly, while I understand why it annoys you I'm baffled at why you don't understand that this is clearly how she thinks. If you send the cards back you will also damage the relationship she has with her son. Just get over it 🤷‍♀️
This isn't my partners mum. This is my partners nan. If she thought that way why does she send her other non biological grandkids cards?
OP posts:
Cleartheair · 21/03/2021 23:58

The fact that she sends the other non biological grandchildren cards makes it even more obvious that she is doing it deliberately.

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/03/2021 23:58

What child needs a grandparent that singles out their sibling for shitty behaviour? Hardly a great loss to their lives.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 23:59

What exactly did she say to prevent your child sitting at the table? Confused

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:59

@Cleartheair

The fact that she sends the other non biological grandchildren cards makes it even more obvious that she is doing it deliberately.
Exactly but I have no idea why?
OP posts:
msbevvy · 22/03/2021 00:07

Are the parents of the other non-biological grandchildren married?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2021 00:08

@msbevvy

Are the parents of the other non-biological grandchildren married?
This is an interesting question. She’s from a different generation. This is perhaps the crux of it.
Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 00:10

One lot are married, the other isn't.

OP posts:
therocinante · 22/03/2021 00:11

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. If you send the card back, though, she can just say you're being unreasonable/rude - you need to get DP to tell her, firmly, that she's being a twat. If she was like this with all the non-biological great-grandchildren then I'd put it down to being old-fashioned and just tell you to roll your eyes and ignore. But she's very clearly doing it deliberately which makes her a dick.

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 22/03/2021 00:13

Wow. She is an absolute cow. She doesn't send those cards because she likes the two kids you have with your DP. She does it to spite you and your other child - and potentially your DP.
Never mind sending the cards back, I would want NOTHING to do with that awful woman.

Cleartheair · 22/03/2021 00:14

@DawnR96 she's just being very spiteful. Unfortunately some people are like this. I'd just get your older DD an extra treat so that she doesn't feel left out when the other children receive theirs from her. I really feel for you and your DD