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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:18

@RootyT00t

Then send back the cards and money and accept nothing from her.
That's what I'm saying lol?
OP posts:
mikejardine · 21/03/2021 23:20

As harsh as they sounds shes not obliged to sent your child anything for their birthday. My mil didn't give ds a gift for his birthday previous years have been a fiver and dh has been in his life since he was 2 hes now almost 13

Why do you accept this for your child?

Teardrop2021 · 21/03/2021 23:20

So its not even his mom but a great grandparent is that correct? I think you need to lower your expectations.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:20

Maybe you are dawn but lots of PPS are suggesting you spend the money.

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:20

@Teardrop2021

DawnR96 why though shes not her grandchild. Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same. You could split up and she never see your eldest again. Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.
Fair enough, just like I don't have to a cept her as family in that case and don't want anything from her if she can't accept that we are a whole family. She's never met my youngest child and still sends him a card. She will accept other non biological kids but not mine? I feel like it's fairly personal.
OP posts:
CausingChaos2 · 21/03/2021 23:21

I agree what she is doing is horrible and mean.

But... your eldest isn’t her grandchild. You shouldn’t punish your other child by denying them a card from their Nan. Does your eldest not hear from her Dad’s family on her birthday?

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:21

@Teardrop2021

So its not even his mom but a great grandparent is that correct? I think you need to lower your expectations.
Great grandparent yes. I still don't think that makes it OK to include everyone but my daughter.
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 21/03/2021 23:22

Are your eldests biological paternal family involved? Are they sending all 3 equal presents if so?

Teardrop2021 · 21/03/2021 23:22

mikejardine He has extended family which includes 3 sets of grandparents a token gift is given but not expected I assumed she likely forgot with lockdown.

frazzledasarock · 21/03/2021 23:22

Acknowledging the eldest DC’s birthday with a card takes virtually no effort.

I’d send cards/gifts back unopened.

Does your eldest DC get anything from her dads side of the family for her birthday?

Recently my eldest was telling me how loved she felt, when on her birthday all of DH’s family made a point of sending her happy birthday messages. My older dc have no contact with their dads side and if my in laws chose to single out only their biological family my elder dc would be sitting around watching whilst their younger siblings opened piles of gifts and cards and they got nothing. Which I wouldn’t allow.

HeddaGarbled · 21/03/2021 23:22

It’s not generous behaviour on her part but your eldest isn’t her grandchild so I think she’s not obliged. Does your eldest not have any of her father’s family in her life?

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:24

My eldest father's family isn't involved. I was 15 when I had her, I was in a physical abusive relationship with her dad. So she is lucky if her father bothers buying her anything.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/03/2021 23:25

If she isn't someone you ever see then it's easier to not accept anything from her because your children don't have a meaningful relationship there.
I think it's horrible to leave out one child in a family and your kids are better off without having that person in their lives.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 23:25

Whose card are you taking about sending back?

Lollypop701 · 21/03/2021 23:25

Has your dh asked her why? If she accepts other extended step children why you are different?

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:26

@CausingChaos2

I agree what she is doing is horrible and mean.

But... your eldest isn’t her grandchild. You shouldn’t punish your other child by denying them a card from their Nan. Does your eldest not hear from her Dad’s family on her birthday?

Biologically she isn't but in every other sense she is.

She sends my partners stepsisters kids presents and card and they're not biologically hers either.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 21/03/2021 23:26

Then nope I’d just return to sender every time.

I wouldn’t have any of my children watching on whilst one set of siblings were treated to gifts and cards and they got nothing.

It would create a divide between siblings and I’m not having that.

Teardrop2021 · 21/03/2021 23:27

Does she even know your dd you say she hasn't met your youngest, so it sounds like she's doesn't see you often or not all. The likelihood she send something for her grandchilds children in the post and thats about it, if she hasn't even met the youngest so its not like she's coming round with piles of presents and nothing for child.

AIMD · 21/03/2021 23:28

Given you’ve spoken to her about it before is she doing it on purpose?

Yes I think in your shoes I’d sent the card back or just out the card to one side (provided the child the card was for hadn’t already see it- I wouldn’t. Take it away if it had been given in her hand).

I understand why pp say that it’s not her grandchild but it seems that in your family she is considered by everyone else to be your partners daughter rand treated as such. I wouldn’t allow one person to come along and undermine that.

Original poster
DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:30

@Teardrop2021

Does she even know your dd you say she hasn't met your youngest, so it sounds like she's doesn't see you often or not all. The likelihood she send something for her grandchilds children in the post and thats about it, if she hasn't even met the youngest so its not like she's coming round with piles of presents and nothing for child.
She knows my eldest more than the other two. When we first met, I felt the atmosphere was really off. She wouldn't let my daughter sit down at the table with us for some reason, so I sat her on my lap to eat. She wouldn't engage in conversation with me whatsoever. I have asked her if she has an issue with me or my daughter and it's always a no, yet I feel there is a clear divide. It's just really hurtful at this point. I don't understand why you would be so petty to include the 2 kids and not the other one. Seems silly
OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 21/03/2021 23:32

@Giraffey1

Sounds like a job for your H, not you.
This -don't get involved -ask him to do it.

Long story but I had a very close family relative that did this with my children who were both related to to, biologiclly. One was just the wrong sex for them (I think! Although they also said they had forgotton or their younger sibling was too young to appreciate gifts etc and I kept calling them out and they kept doing it.

Relative just favoured one and not the other. Said teenager realised that they had been sent something but sibling had not. They responded to relative (didn't tell me as they send their own thank yous) and said 'Thank you for the card and giftcard. I know my Mum has asked before , and I understand it is delicate, as I don't want to offend you for getting me a gift and card -which is clearly a thougtful thing to do. But, my sibling x is not getting any cards or presents. Whilst I understand it is your right to send gifts to whomever you like, on this occassion we have bought ...... with the gift card for us both to share and this thank you letter comes from both of us. This was my decision. Going forward, we would both appreciate a card on our birthdays and be grateful, should you want to send one, but please treat us the same.'
Close relative hit the fucking roof. As effectively told off by a 14 year old. Relative then told everyone on how rude teenager was within the family and unsurprisingly they were told by family that in effect it was them out of order and teen had been polite!

ImAlrightThanx · 21/03/2021 23:33

YANBU and she is being very UR and mean.
I don't give a flying fuck if she's obliged to do anything... she's not obliged to send anything, no. But it's petty and cruel not too if she's known the child for many years.
Not much you can do about it though. But it's shit.

ImAlrightThanx · 21/03/2021 23:35

She knows my eldest more than the other two. When we first met, I felt the atmosphere was really off. She wouldn't let my daughter sit down at the table with us for some reason, so I sat her on my lap to eat. She wouldn't engage in conversation with me whatsoever. I have asked her if she has an issue with me or my daughter and it's always a no, yet I feel there is a clear divide. It's just really hurtful at this point. I don't understand why you would be so petty to include the 2 kids and not the other one. Seems silly

Honestly if someone wouldn't let my child sit down in their house to eat, and then refused to talk with me, I would be gone. What did your now husband do when this happened?

frazzledasarock · 21/03/2021 23:37

Wow @Iamaperiwinkle your 14 year old has class.
Not surprised the adult hit the roof. Being shown up to be a nasty mean spirited person so politely would have made the nasty person explode as they had no legitimate comeback.

And how lovely of your teen to share their present with their sibling.

lanthanum · 21/03/2021 23:39

You could try telling her "Thanks for the card for DD2. I haven't given it to her yet as DD1's hasn't arrived and with their birthdays being so close, they get very upset if one of them is left out."
(Easier to do if DD1's birthday comes first.)