To send my partners nans card back

[DawnR96]

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

[quote loveheartss]@aSofaNearYou you are spectacularly missing the point. this woman's grandson does not see the differentiation between the three children. He has asked his grandmother to treat them all the same. She is continuing not to do. This man sees this child as his and has taken her on.

Like I said, his gran can dislike the OP all she wants. She might not feel a connection to this child (who has been in their life since the age of 2) but her grandson has said it is his wishes that the 3 children do not get treated differently. That last bit should be the end of it - her grandson has requested she treat them the same. In his mind, they are ALL his children, there is no way to dress it up where the grandmother in this scenario does not come across as cruel and petty.

I don't understand where you are getting this notion that OP has bulldozed her way into this family, caused a massive friction and has been rude to this grandmother? Where are you getting this back story from?[/quote]
As per my last post, however you view your family, I simply do not believe it is appropriate to tell your loved one's what to do and appear ungracious about the gifts they send. I find this highly rude in other contexts, too. That is not, in my view, appropriate behaviour around gifts. So if I were the GMM, I would be thinking I have no issue with my GS choosing to do whatever he likes with his life and take on whatever children he likes, but I do not do asking for certain gifts provided in a certain way. I would be annoyed at my GS for being so rude.

I would also like to know how I've bulldozed my way into the family and been rude.

I'm close to all of his family, my in laws live next door which causes friction sometimes but all in all, me and my daughter are very much family to them. There has never been any arguments, any discussion regarding the no cards has always been polite, never rude.

I didn't just one day show up out of the blue with my 2 year old and expect to be the favourite in the family 😂

@Nowhereelsetogo90

You sound very similar to my DSis, who is a stepmum, bio mum and adoptive mum. She loves them all and treats them equally, whilst not stepping on her DSS’s mum’s toes (he calls her by her first name). Now he’s 23 with his own family and my DSis has a grandparent role with his DC.

The result of that? A few years ago, my DSis and BIL adopted their youngest DS (they have a bio DD and DS). They had been intending to go on a family holiday, but in the end the paperwork hadn’t been sorted out in time for them to apply for a passport for their new DS. (The SW could have applied for him as a looked-after child, but it didn’t happen.)

My DSis offered to stay behind with the baby whilst the others went on their holiday. It was her DSS who said no, it had to be either all of them or none of them, and so they went somewhere in the UK instead for their holiday.

No, it isn’t obligatory to for anyone treat a family member’s stepchildren the same as their own children. But I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t? Particularly if that family member asks you to do so, and treats that child as their own.

Dear lordy, I'm not asking for gifts 😂 I'm asking for her to treat my children as equals. A card is literally 30p and even better, she could call. She could pop me a message on Facebook. She could be a decent human being and respect the fact that whether she likes it or not, my child is not an optional member of the family, she is a part of it.

I'm asking for some human decency not her bloody life savings 😂

@asofanearyou for an example, if every kid in your child's class received a chocolate or whatnot except from your child and that it was made obvious they were purposely being excluded, would you be happy with that? Now imagine that was a so called family member? If you are OK with this then surely there is something not quite right...

She's not your eldest family. He has a paternal family.

I would also like to know how I've bulldozed my way into the family

You haven't, yet, but by deliberately blocking the relationship between her and her GGK you would be doing so.

I think that @aSofaNearYou would think that my DSis pushed too hard for us to treat her DSS the same as her own DC. But I didn’t see it that way. I saw it as her being protective of her family and respected her for it. She wasn’t rude about it, she just reminded us about his birthdays, and when we asked about Christmas presents, she told us what he would like as well as what her own would like.

But she's not an equal so why should she? It's great everyone else is treating her like an equal but they don't have to so why care if the great grandma doesn't! You haven't even seen her in 4 years
Why make such a big deal out of it

[quote DawnR96]@asofanearyou for an example, if every kid in your child's class received a chocolate or whatnot except from your child and that it was made obvious they were purposely being excluded, would you be happy with that? Now imagine that was a so called family member? If you are OK with this then surely there is something not quite right...[/quote]
No, but the context is completely different. In the above scenario, the context is all the children in the class are receiving a chocolate and one does not. In your situation, all of this woman's GCC are receiving a card and one who isn't, does not. I appreciate that will sound blunt, but it is the reality.

@IVFdreams2021

Her eldest doesn’t have contact with the paternal family. Her ex was abusive. The OP has explained this earlier in the thread.

OP, I've never had children myself, (so probably shouldn't even be on this thread!) but I just wanted to say that your eldest daughter has something that is so, so much more precious than a card / present from your partner's great gran. Your wee girl has you, and you're standing up for her, and that is worth more than anything.

Bless you OP, to you, and to your eldest on her birthday.

I understand somewhat that she owes the non biological child nothing but I also know what it’s like to be the child who received nothing. My mum just had a wee secret with me where we’d call them names and just have a laugh from it and if I’m honest that alone made me feel better about it and it meant I had my own wee secret which was it’s ok to be nasty about people who are nasty to you.

My stepmum’s multi-millionaire parents would spend a fortune on their two grandchildren at birthday and Christmas as is their right (and I didn’t actually expect anything because we weren’t related) but I found out when I was 12 they also gave my full biological brother (no relation to them) quite a lot of money in a card every Christmas, Easter and birthday, as well as being taken on amazing holidays and fancy days out and I didn’t get so much as an empty card or a trip to McDonald’s. With that in mind I understand the hurt a child feels who doesn’t understand the dynamics. I was 12 when this started and as far as I know it’s still going on and we’re in our 40s!

Just be honest with your eldest child and permit them to vent to you about it - even I. Ways you wouldn’t normally allows

@DawnR96

Dear lordy, I'm not asking for gifts 😂 I'm asking for her to treat my children as equals. A card is literally 30p and even better, she could call. She could pop me a message on Facebook. She could be a decent human being and respect the fact that whether she likes it or not, my child is not an optional member of the family, she is a part of it.

I'm asking for some human decency not her bloody life savings 😂

Yes a card is cheap and it would be nice of her to do it, but equally it is not on for you to insist she does it, and she is entitled to not take kindly to you doing so.

As I've said a few times, you have to accept that the responsibility for your blended family is entirely on you and your husband. You can choose to add complications and things you need to consider and prioritise to your own life, but you cannot unilaterally do that to everyone in your family. It is obviously nice if they choose to do so for your sake but you cannot expect or demand it without being entitled. It is something you have to consider when deciding whether or not to create a blended family, because it will be entirely your responsibility. You may have to raise your children to be aware of those differences, and you have to be prepared for it, or not do it.

To me it is a big deal because we're a family, not just 2 of my kids but all 3 of them and I think it's incredibly petty for a grown woman to purposely avoid sending a card to a nine year old regardless of her 'reason'.

@carriemoonbeams thank you ♥ xx

I think you need to understand that while your DH’s parents may treat your eldest equally now, they may decide to keep inheritances or bigger gifts earmarked for biological grandchildren. I think you didn’t handle things well by not preparing your eldest by keeping a slight differentiation if only as a fail safe in case you and your DP broke up. She’s only going to hurt worse further down the line.

The issue here isn’t that your DH’s gran is giving her money to her biological grandkids, it’s that your eldest’s biological dad’s side are doing nothing. You need to pick this up with her dad even if it means going to court to get the maintenance due to you.

@katy1213 And we have another post where the poster hasn't read all the OP's post and is writing fiction. Did you miss the part where she buys for non biologically related children or are the facts too inconvenient for you?

Anyway, thank you all for commenting on this thread. I'm going to stop now as I've said all that can be said really and unless we want to keep going in circles I may as well stop.

I'm sticking with my opinion that it's pathetic for an adult to purposely exclude a child due to biological reasons but everyone's entitled to their own opinions.

Have a great day all ☺

@DawnR96 My DM was very clear on this - you buy all, or you buy none. We all understood that younger DS was our half sister but we were never treated differently by my stepdad, and that dynamic was made clear to relatives on both sides. So we older siblings were bought a token gift whilst DS had a main gift from her biological extended family - we were all obviously included equally in gifts from my DMs family.

If someone had persisted in sending something for DS and not at least acknowledged the rest of my stepdad's children (i.e., us), she would've sent DS's gift back.

@DawnR96

To me it is a big deal because we're a family, not just 2 of my kids but all 3 of them and I think it's incredibly petty for a grown woman to purposely avoid sending a card to a nine year old regardless of her 'reason'.

@carriemoonbeams thank you ♥ xx

If you and your DH broke up tomorrow. He could stop seeing your eldest with a click of his fingers and there would be nothing you could do about it. You can only expect to ‘blend’ extended families where the new partner has adopted kids from previous relationships and so they’re legally there’s. What you’ve done is great but the burden for ‘blending’ falls on you and your DH alone.

@UnsolicitedDickPic

I think my DSis would have probably done the same! But it wouldn’t have occurred to us not to include her DSS. I really don’t understand this mentality at all. Especially if it’s damaging their relationship with their own family member.

My DM was another Granny to him as well.

How an adult can be cruel to a little child is beyond thinking about, but how much effort do you and dd put into the relationship. Do you make an effort to send cards and presents or make phone calls.

@Camphillgirl

From what the OP has said, she’s gone above and beyond with the Great Gran, possibly too much so. Hence the feeling of hurt.

Just return the cards and money with no note, no message,no explanation of any kind.

Sometimes stony silence says more than words ever could.