To send my partners nans card back

[DawnR96]

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same.

That's fine, but there are consequences. I know someone who is a grandfather to 2 adopted DC. He has other DGC. I told him that if he didn't treat them the same as his other DGC he would lose his son. Even if he had to fake it till he made it, he had to treat them the same. Luckily I did him a disservice and he did this from the start anyway. What you need to recognise is that it hurts the people you love, so you need to do it, because it is the right thing to do. Being a shitty parent, GP, GGP doesn't trump other peoples feelings.

Sorry I mean "unless there is a marriage "

Personally I would get you partner to deal with it. He could write to her a thank you note but say 'Thanks for the card for 5 year old child bday they loved it, we were thinking in the future as you have forgotten our child age 9 again whoops! Maybe you could just send a thinking of you all card to them all and gift money (if you want) once a year to them all instead of trying remember their birthdays and we use that money to take them out or buy them what they want and send a nice photo and thank you card back, they would love that Thanks Nan. If she ignores this polite request, I would go no contact and I don't think it would affect the rest of your children to stop the cards as it sounds like she doesn't even know them. So what would they miss? really nothing.

She does not sound like a nice person , yanbu.
My eldest isn’t my husbands but has been treated by his family like one of their own from the start and my mil and fil even have him in their will.
This is horrible .

@VenusTiger

Maybe the OP isn't a very nice person! And the great gran trys to have as little to do with her as possible because she can't be arsed with her
Maybe the other kids parents are lovely to great gran and she has more time for them because she feels closer to them
The point is the great gran does not have to accept kids that aren't biological to her
If she does brilliant if she doesn't so what she's not the girls great gran

This is all awful. I think that not letting your child sit at the table is even worse than the card situation. Also, it had occurred to me at first that perhaps Great-Grandmother has early dementia; but this would not have continued unchanged for so long; so I think we must conclude that she's just plain nasty!

What does your partner think of it all?

I would not send back the card; as pp say, this might punish your younger child. Obviously I would not present her with it in front of the family or display it in the living-room. And I would remove the money before giving it to her, and use it to buy a treat that can be enjoyed by the whole family.

What was the 'wouldn't let your child sit at the table and had to sit on your knees
Was there actually an empty seat your child was refused, or was there not enough seats for everyone and it was a squeeze up to fit everyone in?

I’d send it back, just say return to sender on the card.

Yes she is under no obligation but she is obviously deliberately singling you daughter out.

She sounds very spiteful and nasty. Allowing the cards to continue coming is condoning her behaviour.

I’d also make zero effort for her in the future and make sure she dosnt get a chance to single your daughter out at any other occasion.

My cousin absolutely hates her dil, to the point she cried when her son got married, but, she has always treat both of her dils children as her own grandchildren and would never single them out against her other grandchildren. You just don’t treat children that way, it’s cruel.

This is another load of projectile shite. The OP has been with her partner for 7 years, and has 2 other children with him, who are now 4 (turning 5) and 3. That is hardly a "new girlfriend", and she has hardly "Bulldozed her way" into anything. This wouldn't have even arisen as an issue until GreatGran started sending cards to the 1st child of her grandson and the OP - when the omission of the OP's 1st born child would have become apparent. Project your feelings elsewhere, you've misread the OP's posts totally.

Seven years is not a long time to someone who is a great grandmother, and I didn't say she was still a new girlfriend but yes to this woman, she is essentially just her grandson's girlfriend and one who quite quickly sent her messages about how hurtful she was after she forget the eldest child's birthday. I would be highly unlikely to remember the birthday of a child that has so little to do with me. Receiving messages like that would have been very off putting and my back would be up from then on. We don't know exactly what started first, her not liking OP and her child or OP starting to enforce the message that she will not accept anything less than exact equal treatment, but let's face it, there are plenty of people on here that would advocate making that very clear from the start. It's not a stretch of the imagination to think the fact that OP is questioning whether SHE should reject the family relationship with her, means she could well be one of those people.

I'm not projecting anything, I simply disagree entirely that OP has a right to expect exactly equal treatment for her child, and to cut off members of her partner's family members that don't comply.

She knows what she is doing and how it upset you.

I have had exactly the same! Some of DH family members went out of the way to welcome my son then aged just 5, others went out of the way not to. 17 years on and my BIL invited my 2 daughters with DH to his wedding but not my son. He’s known my son longer than his nieces. My son will never know as I will never tell him as he would be so hurt, but I made my feelings to my BIL clear.

Send it back. Your family is your family and if she doesn’t respect that, that’s on her.

She doesn’t have to have your views and as some unsympathetic people have said she doesn’t have to send anything so ..........yes I’d say to her if you don’t send for all then send for no one xxx

@aSofaNearYou

But it clearly isn’t just about the biological connection, is it? DGF includes the OP’s DP’s stepsister’s DC. Her older DD is the only child who isn’t included.

Then there’s the business with the GreatGran not allowing the little girl to sit down at the table.

Whatever the initial reason, it does appear to be down to a personal dislike of the OP. Maybe the OP isn’t guiltless in this (these things are rarely one-sided), but the exclusion of the OP’s DD appears to be a deliberate slight, not just an oversight.

I think OP has every right to protect her child from someone who is going to treat them so obviously different to their siblings. It's not their child's fault they have a different father is it.

"grow up" springs to mind.

Sorry, that was meant to say, the OP’s DP’s DGM not DGF.

and actually, I think it is really disrespectful to OPs partner. He has a life with OP and her child, has accepted said child as his own. His family do not have to like it but what would they deny this child was anything to do with them if he adopted the child? Because that would be appalling. Family is not always blood. If this man has decided he is going to treat this child as his own his family should respect that entirely and treat them equally.

That is my opinion anyway .

[quote Mittens030869]@aSofaNearYou

But it clearly isn’t just about the biological connection, is it? DGF includes the OP’s DP’s stepsister’s DC. Her older DD is the only child who isn’t included.

Then there’s the business with the GreatGran not allowing the little girl to sit down at the table.

Whatever the initial reason, it does appear to be down to a personal dislike of the OP. Maybe the OP isn’t guiltless in this (these things are rarely one-sided), but the exclusion of the OP’s DD appears to be a deliberate slight, not just an oversight.[/quote]
Yes, that is exactly why I suggested that it is perhaps OPs attitude about the situation that is putting her off her and her daughter, whilst being fine with other non biological children. If I had received lectures about how hurtful I was being after I forgot my grandson's girlfriend's daughters birthday, I would be put off the both of them too.

[quote Greenrubber]@VenusTiger

Maybe the OP isn't a very nice person! And the great gran trys to have as little to do with her as possible because she can't be arsed with her
Maybe the other kids parents are lovely to great gran and she has more time for them because she feels closer to them
The point is the great gran does not have to accept kids that aren't biological to her
If she does brilliant if she doesn't so what she's not the girls great gran[/quote]
@Greenrubber that makes zero sense as ALL the children are the OP's so why discount only one of them if you don't like the OP? Why treat a child of 2yrs old like that because you don't like the OP? What are you talking about "does not have to accept kids that aren't biological to her" - she accepts her grandson's stepsisters children, that aren't biological to her.

You're not reading this properly.

@aSofaNearYou But you are being really dismissive there, as if this child isn't anything to his family. They are because OPs partner has taken this child on as his own. Regardless of the fact it is not his blood, it is still a statement to say I am this kids father in everyway but DNA. For any of his family to be dismissive or offensive about that is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. The fact remains, OPs partner has already spoke to his nan about this, asking for all of HIS children to be treated equally and she has continued the behaviour. It is cruel.

I don't blame OP at all by being upset by it.

@aSofaNearYou

But it isn’t the little girl’s fault. Plus, what she’s doing is upsetting her DGS, who has raised her as his own. It isn’t just about the OP, is if? Why punish the child.

It really isn’t a very nice attitude that you’re defending here.

I think you said the other non bio family members she does include are grandchildren not great grandchildren. Maybe your dd1 is just on the other side of the cut off of how far she will stretch to include people. If she has lots of grand children and great grandchildren, maybe a non bio great grandchild just seems that little bit too distant compared to a non bio grandchild.

Does she see the non bio grand children that she includes regularly? Or at least have something of a relationship with them?

There are two possible differences in the relationship there that might help explain her behaviour.

It is mean of her, but I think your other dc deserve to get their presents from their great grandma. They aren't yours to withhold really.

It's unfortunate that dd1 doesn't have her own bio family, but that's just life. If you just explain to dd1 that she is not biologically related and are matter of fact about it she will accept it. It's something she will have to deal with anyway at some point, as it is just a fact that she has a different bio family.

Even if the OP has herself behaved badly in one way or another, it does not give the great-grandmother the right to take it out on a CHILD.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Are the step parents inferior to adoptive parents now.

That's irrelevant. The only issue that should matter here is that it's not the child's fault. Ever. All else is an aside.

This is a child being singled out for exclusion because a grown adult presumably has an issue with one of her parents. A child has no say in who her parents are. The only thing she'll see is that she's being rejected by a family member. She won't just brush it off as the actions of a mean-spirited old boot; children do not have the emotional maturity to rationalise in this way. All the evidence shows that when children are rejected like this - or when their parents divorce, for that matter - they think it is THEIR fault.

I'd expect my partner to say a hard 'no' to this too. Innocent children are not to blame for adults' behaviour and should not be subjected to their spiteful wrangling.

The expectation is a simple acknowledgement by way of a card, not a deposit on a flat or to fund her education. Who is so petty and spiteful that they'd take their angst out on a child?

I am the one who made the " irrelevant " comment - as a reply to a PP.

But I completely agree with what you are saying here. Step children, adoptive children, biological children, should never be treated with such spite.

I know the DP has had words with GM but in his position I would be tempted to go NC. She is not respecting her grand son's wishes, if anything.

I'm not going to send back the cards but I will not have anything to do with her.

I think you're right to do this. I grew up in a similar position. My DF married a lovely woman when I was 6 months old. She was lovely and treated me as her own. They had more children. Her mother disliked me. For no reason. To the extent she would buy my younger half-siblings an ice cream from the ice cream man and then not me. Just not say anything and walk past me. After this happening multiple times my stepmum found out and lost her shit with her, asking why. Apparently she didnt have enough cash on her. This happened over and over with different things. Also at Christmas I would watch my siblings open lots of gifts from them (usually hand given as step grandparents spent the day with us, so they couldn't be discreetly given) and nothing for me. Step grandparents died a few years ago and split inheritance between the blood grandchildren.

Looking back Im glad it wasnt hidden from me. It wouldnt have been fair on my siblings to send their cards/gifts back and may have affected their relationship with their (much loved by them) Nan. The bottom line is I was different. I wasnt a blood relative. She didnt need to pretend I was. And I wasted zero time being friendly with her, so knowing how she felt did me a favour. It taught me to be kind and always treat any child in my house the same (even if its my DCs friends when theyre here. If one gets an ice cream they all do.

I would use it as a learning tool and dont attend things at the Grans. Limit her contact with your child and just explain that life isnt always fair and some people are not considerate of others.

[quote Mittens030869]@aSofaNearYou

But it isn’t the little girl’s fault. Plus, what she’s doing is upsetting her DGS, who has raised her as his own. It isn’t just about the OP, is if? Why punish the child.

It really isn’t a very nice attitude that you’re defending here. [/quote]
I don't really see forgetting her birthday as "punishing" her. It would be interesting to hear clarification from OP about what happened regarding sitting at the table, as that's the part that could be described as cruel depending entirely on the context and intent behind it. But I think people are being very dramatic by saying that a (presumably) old woman forgetting the birthday of someone she barely knows and who means very little to her is a deliberate act of cruelty.

@aSofaNearYou

I was talking about your precious defence of the GreatGrandma more than the OP tbh. You said that you ‘would be put off the both of them’. That isn’t a kind attitude towards a child, is if?

Even if her mum was being unpleasant towards you, why would you be put off the child as well? Especially if the said child was important to your DGS as well?

Every single time I have met his nan, I have been nothing but polite. I have severe anxiety so I know I can come across as very shy but I try to make conversation everytime.

The business with the table was that children don't eat at the table, the table was for adults. I asked was there a suitable place for my daughter to sit and she said she can eat after us.

Every single visit after this she blatantly avoids me and my daughter. His grandad is always lovely to me and actually speaks to me.

I didn't bombard my way into the family at all. We were together for four years before I even first asked my partner to kindly remind her that it was my dd1 birthday. It honestly doesn't even matter about money or a card, she could ring and say happy birthday. She doesn't have to say she's her gran. I send her birthday cards every year, I wish her merry Christmas. I even went up and did her shopping when she was poorly because no one else would do it, she lives 90 miles from me.

If I have done something wrong then she could tell me exactly what it is and I would apologise but I literally have never been anything but respectful when seeing her.