To send my partners nans card back

[DawnR96]

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

In all honesty, it sounds like this is really about your relationship (or the lack of) with her - with both sides just focussing on the cards as a symbol of that.

As a result, rejecting the card for your middled-aged child won't make any difference at all - because it won't address the root of the issue. e.g. sending the card back won't make you feel less hurt by her rejection and won't make her feel anything but justified in her dislike of you.

She sounds like a petty old misery but I think I'd be tempted to raise all children to an equal level, rather than reduce them to it, iyswim, and give your eldest child any equal amount of money in 'lieu' of her own gran.

@aSofaNearYou it's NOT her grandchild, it's her GREAT grandchild. Why on earth do you think the Greatgrandmother's "attitude" to her on her first meeting, not allowing her to sit at the table, is acceptable? Wow.

A mother gets into a relationship and quickly makes it clear to her partner's family that if they don't see her children as their grandkids they will be cut off, and genuinely thinks it's appropriate for HER to be considering whether to cut off her partner's family. Yes, extremely entitled.

She may see her child as exactly the same as the other kids but they have slightly different family and if she doesn't want to explain that to them, that's on her. Bulldozing her way into another family and insisting they must plaster over the gaps for her is hardly going to make her and her daughter particularly dear to them, especially if this all comes from her and not her partner, who they already know and love.

Do people really not see why relatives may not be particularly endeared to the new girlfriend when that is her attitude?

I remember reading on here once an MNer describing sitting with her half siblings at Christmas whilst they got piles of gifts from their biological family and she got nothing. And the hurt and embarrassment she felt.

Any extended family who felt comfortable to victimise my child like this, sending gifts and cards to one set of children and not their older siblings would not have anything to do with my family ever.

And knowing my DC they’d want nothing to do with such mean nasty small minded people either if their siblings were being hurt. I’d be sure and tell my DC what nasty cruel bastards the relative was.

This is nothing to do with inheritance, that’s. Completely different.

A poxy card costs next to nothing and requires barely any thought.

The fact that she sends the other non biological grandchildren cards makes it even more obvious that she is doing it deliberately.

^This. Biology isn’t the issue here, it’s personal towards the OP. Why do posters keep ignoring this point?

@Branleuse you're missing the point entirely - firstly, she's a GREAT grandmother and she's sending cards to her grandson's stepsister and her kids but not to her grandson's stepdaughter - that is plain rude and cruel.

OP has already pointed out that her DD doesn't have any family on her father's side as they've never been involved.

It's the point that she's sending cards to EVERY child but hers.

@aSofaNearYou it's her GREAT grandkids - how many times!!!! She is sending cards to ALL children, including her grandson's stepsister's kids, but NOT to her grandson's stepdaughter.
Why is this so bloody difficult for pps to understand.

And I’ve never ‘bulldozed’ my way into my DH’s family.

They’re decent folk they treat all my dc with love.

And you know what it’s reciprocated, my older DC treasure their family, they spend thought and time on lovely gifts back for them.

When DH and I got together I told him to carry on meeting with his family for celebrations etc as he always did, we only joined in when invited. I wasn’t madly crazy at the thought of diving headfirst into someone else’s family dynamics.

Guess I am super lucky to be married into a family of decent people who have a big hearts.

Maybe that’s why I love my MIL & SMIL & FIL and am happy to be there for them.

The only thing she'll see is that she's being rejected by a family member. She won't just brush it off as the actions of a mean-spirited old boot; children do not have the emotional maturity to rationalise in this way. All the evidence shows that when children are rejected like this - or when their parents divorce, for that matter - they think it is THEIR fault.

FGS, it’s a great grandmother- not a grandparent, not a parent, not an auntie or uncle. An older woman none of them have seen for 3 years so the kids don’t even know her. I doubt if half the population has even had great grandparents!

But why do people assume everyone will accept their child as their own family?

My half brother never got anything off my mums family and why would he? He had his own mum with other grandparents

Why are people so sensitive about everything

[quote VenusTiger]@aSofaNearYou it's NOT her grandchild, it's her GREAT grandchild. Why on earth do you think the Greatgrandmother's "attitude" to her on her first meeting, not allowing her to sit at the table, is acceptable? Wow.[/quote]
No idea, OP hasn't elaborated on that particular comment with any context. The general principle of the rest of what she has expressed I heartily disagree with.

I don't agree with her approach. But don't send the cards and money back. It's unfair on your other children to deprive them of a present.

@DawnR96

Also, she sends my partners stepsister kids cards and everything. It's literally just me and my daughter for some reason and it hurts. I don't care about myself but my daughter matters, she really does 😭

What does your DH say or do about this? Other than telling her it's wrong?

Do you all see her?

@Greenrubber because she's going out of her way to accept her grandson's stepsister and her kids, but not her grandson's own stepdaughter.

Can ppl please read the OP properly.

One thing I learned along the way is that if I am not family to someone, then that works both ways, and they are not family to me. I don't need to think about that person, buy them birthday cards, go shopping for their Christmas present or anything else.

I have been treated like this a few times as a DIL and as a StepD. At first, I made a lot of effort, but then realised I was pi$$ing in the wind. It hurt me as it does you, but you get over it if you try. Now that these people are older, they rely on others to help them out and I do not lift a finger for them. They can get their "family" to do it. During a lockdown, I did a lot for my own family and friends and refused to lift a finger for any of the others and even their own "family" did nothing for them. They are a bit put out in fact at what I do for my own family.

I would intercept the cards, whizz the dosh and bin them. I'd then add on an extra 3rd and split it between them in their bank account. She is a GGP and probably of a very different generation and thinks very differently. I wouldn't really be losing any sleep over it. As I said, I used to let the hurt I feel overwhelm me and get me down. Now I am grateful that I have no responsibility towards looking after these people in their old age. I am free just to get on with my own DH and DC without any care of aging parents, except my dad who is lovely.

@Hallyup5 Your post is fucking unbelievable! How nasty can you be?Did you read the fact that she sends other nonbiological children in the family cards and gifts?

I think your partner should be held more accountable from the get go he should have spoken up when she didn't allow your little girl to sit at the table. I don't care if he's gentle and hates confrontation he should love and respect you enough to speak up. You have a partner problem

@VenusTiger
Maybe they just get on better
We don't know the circumstances
Maybe she has enough great grandchildren and she's not arsed to take on anymore
There could be 100 reasons but she still doesn't have to treat the OP's daughter like her own
And the other kids getting cards how would the OP's daughter even know? I don't know who buys my niece n nephews things throughout the year

[quote VenusTiger]@aSofaNearYou it's her GREAT grandkids - how many times!!!! She is sending cards to ALL children, including her grandson's stepsister's kids, but NOT to her grandson's stepdaughter.
Why is this so bloody difficult for pps to understand.[/quote]
Perhaps the difference is they didn't keep sending her emotional rants about how hurtful she was being by forgetting the birthday of a child she barely knows, something that should only have ever been a kind gesture rather than an expectation she should be told off for not fullfilling 🤷‍♀️

Why on earth should this poor woman feel anything for you and your child? She's a great-grandmother - she''s got her family. You're not it!

@Greenrubber @aSofaNearYou the OPs DD came BEFORE the other greatgrandchildren - you're making excuses for her. She sends cards to grandson's stepsisters kids - you're both missing the point.

why though shes not her grandchild. Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same. You could split up and she never see your eldest again. Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.

I strongly disagree. Once she's part of your dh's family, she's part of the family. Would you think the same of an adopted child?!

And grandparents, especially paternal grandparents, also risk not seeing their biological grandchildren after a break-up: often full custody is awarded to the mother. (I'm not expecting the OP and her dh to break up anyway; just pointing out that your argument doesn't really fly here.)

Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.

Not all grandparents get the chance to watch their biological grandchildren grow up from birth! What about those who live in distant countries, and rarely travel? I met my (biological) grandmother for the first time at the age of 3, because we lived in different parts of the world; and travel wasn't that easy on either side. And in those days there wasn't even Zoom or Facetime to compensate! And that does NOT mean that she wasn't my grandmother, thank you VERY much indeed!!!

And again - would you feel it justifiable to discriminate in the same way against an adopted child who only joined the family at the age of 2?

@asofanearyou
Absolutely this. If she'd taken a liking to you, maybe - but I don't think I would, you sound a real troublemaker.

@aSofaNearYou

A mother gets into a relationship and quickly makes it clear to her partner's family that if they don't see her children as their grandkids they will be cut off, and genuinely thinks it's appropriate for HER to be considering whether to cut off her partner's family. Yes, extremely entitled.

She may see her child as exactly the same as the other kids but they have slightly different family and if she doesn't want to explain that to them, that's on her. Bulldozing her way into another family and insisting they must plaster over the gaps for her is hardly going to make her and her daughter particularly dear to them, especially if this all comes from her and not her partner, who they already know and love.

Do people really not see why relatives may not be particularly endeared to the new girlfriend when that is her attitude?

This is another load of projectile shite.

The OP has been with her partner for 7 years, and has 2 other children with him, who are now 4 (turning 5) and 3.

That is hardly a "new girlfriend", and she has hardly "Bulldozed her way" into anything. This wouldn't have even arisen as an issue until GreatGran started sending cards to the 1st child of her grandson and the OP - when the omission of the OP's 1st born child would have become apparent.

Project your feelings elsewhere, you've misread the OP's posts totally.

@DawnR96

One lot are married, the other isn't.

There you go then . Some people are like this . Unless there is no marriage they don't see any permanence in the relationship .