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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 22/03/2021 12:48

Should either of my kids form a family containing step children, I'll treat them the same

It takes a giant heart to do this, and I don't think I'm that selfless. DD1 is widowed. If she got with someone with 4 kids I know for sure I wouldn't be nearly as generous to them as I am with the GS. I wouldn't ignore them, but I wouldn't treat them equally.

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 22/03/2021 12:49

Make your mind aSofaNearYou. One minute the woman is allowed to dislike her GS's partner because she is " entitled", and is within her rights to refuse to listen to her reminders. The next minute, she is an old woman who simply forgot.

loveheartss · 22/03/2021 12:50

@OllyBJolly That is an entirely different situation. OPs partner met this child when she was 2. He has taken her on as his own. His family should respect his wishes of them all to be treated equally.

loveheartss · 22/03/2021 12:51

@aSofaNearYou It's cruel because she has already been spoken to about it so very unlikely she forgot isn't it. It's cruel because she knows what she is doing because of the first point. And it's cruel because this child is exactly that - a child. If she has an issue with OP than she should take it up with her.

Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 12:57

@VenusTiger

I've read it correct

The other kids are her biological family so if she doesn't like the mum then she is still their great gran at the end of the day and presumably loves her grandson who is the biological Dad
It doesn't matter who she gives cards to because it's upto her
I just think the OP is being a bit entitled to think just because her husband accepted her child she expects everyone to treat them the same when they are not the same

Sure it would be nice if they were included but she's not her daughters great gran.

And if she's happy enough to give cards to the other step kids that's still her perogative
It's not unfair to the OP's child because they have no connection anyway
We can all presume she dislikes the OP and that's why she is not including her but even so it makes no difference
The child won't care unless the OP is making a big deal of it

frazzledasarock · 22/03/2021 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 13:01

@greenrubber you've read it wrong. She sends cards to her non-bio grandchildren...

I didn't think I was entitled because I don't want a child singled out but OK...

OP posts:
whendoesitrain · 22/03/2021 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 13:07

@DawnR96

I know she does you have said and I read it.

But your child won't care a random old woman isn't sending her a card unless you made her think this was wrong.

And when her sibling get one all you need to say is that it's not her great grandma if she ever questioned why

Don't make a big deal out of it! Move on

cheninblanc · 22/03/2021 13:09

We don't have children together but I spend a touch extra on Xmas and birthdays too make sure they've had the same. I give up worrying about it now tbh

wishes1111 · 22/03/2021 13:11

YANBU OP.

We class all our family as family whether blood related or not and none of the children in the family through marriage and not blood are not treated any differently.

What a horrible person.

Zenab12 · 22/03/2021 13:14

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, sending it back probably won't change the way she is behaving anyway since she's already been spoken to about its hurt your feelings.

I don't get it though really, I'm one of 4 ( the eldest and first child for my father) but he always treated my big brother like his own ( still does to this day even though my parents have been divorced for 13 years) my nana still sends cards and money for my big brother at chiristmas and birthdays and always asks about him as she's known my brother since he was 2 and always made him part of the family.
I do feel its wrong how she's treated your little girl as she is very much apart of the family as your children you share with your partner, however as I said she's already been spoken to so I doubt you returning the card will change anything.

Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 13:22

I won't be sending the card back after sleeping on it, I know that's not the real reason. I guess I'm just hurt that me and my daughter have been ostracised for some unknown reason.

OP posts:
AppleJane · 22/03/2021 13:27

@DawnR96 don't let it get to you. Remember there are young not very nice people in this world who grow old. Not all elderlies are 'sweet little old women'.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2021 13:27

@AlreadyDoneHadHerses

Make your mind aSofaNearYou. One minute the woman is allowed to dislike her GS's partner because she is " entitled", and is within her rights to refuse to listen to her reminders. The next minute, she is an old woman who simply forgot.
Make my mind up about what? It's once a year, I think it would be very easy for her to forget multiple times, I also think it would be reasonable for her to be miffed and feel little inclination to do kind gestures for OP and by extension her daughter, after being reprimanded for being "cruel" for forgetting previously.
loveheartss · 22/03/2021 13:43

@aSofaNearYou You are talking nonsense.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2021 13:49

[quote loveheartss]@aSofaNearYou You are talking nonsense.[/quote]
Oh thanks, the messiah has spoken. That's me told!

YoniAndGuy · 22/03/2021 13:53

Remember - and remind your DH - that before your joint children are 'her bio great-grandchildren' - they are - all THREE of them - YOUR CHILDREN.

Your children that you have EVERY right to say 'Sorry, no. I don't allow my three children to be treated differently by the adults in their lives. It's divisive and unpleasant. We won't be able to accept cards sent in this spirit.'

This is just as much about your joint children with your DH, as your eldest. They see their great-grandmother snubbing their sister and mum? They see their cowardly dad not sticking up for them? (and they will see it as 'sticking up' for all of them you know - they're a group.)

Tell your DH to tell his grandmother that you won't be giving out her cards to only some of your family in future. If she 'forgets' your eldest, then please don't be surprised when the other cards are returned, next time.

A pointed remark about you both being very concerned that your younger children will grow up with a poor view of their great-gradnmother's manners, and it would be better for them to view her as someone who doesn't do cards, would also hopefully hit home.

You owe her fuck all when it comes to making decisions in the best interests of your family. And your DH needs to find some courage.

Hhusky · 22/03/2021 13:56

Yeah that's horrible.
My BiL has 2 sons. . His DP has a daughter.
I would never, ever give occasion presents/money/easter eggs etc to the two boys without giving to DP's daughter too. It would just be horrible.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2021 13:57

[quote loveheartss]@aSofaNearYou It's cruel because she has already been spoken to about it so very unlikely she forgot isn't it. It's cruel because she knows what she is doing because of the first point. And it's cruel because this child is exactly that - a child. If she has an issue with OP than she should take it up with her.[/quote]
There are lots of children out there I don't buy cards for. The fact is generally when you don't really know a child and aren't related to them, the only reason you would bother with them is because you feel some closeness to the parent. And yes, it would be nice if she did so because of her grandson's connection to her. But still, she is OPs child and I don't think she would be entirely out of line to dislike OP and feel no overwhelming desire to welcome her child, from the interaction she has so far had with her. That is just realism, tbh.

As for it being "cruel" to not send her a card... as others have said, it would not need to be that big of an issue if OP simply explained the family situation to her daughter. It's the expectations adults pass down to their children that cause these problems.

Shutupyoutart · 22/03/2021 14:00

Op yanbu. She is being petty by excluding your daughter, whatever her reason it doesn't matter. Its horrible to treat children like that and it will affect your daughter more as she grows up. My mums estranged sister used to do this she would send a card and money to me for my birthday and not to my siblings(all my mums bio children) my mum called her out on it and said its not ok to do that and to send to all or none. So next year i didnt get a card either lol i didnt care and my sister and brothers weren't left out. I would ask dp to say something similar to his gran.

Mittens030869 · 22/03/2021 14:11

It doesn’t sound as if the OP has been rude to her DP’s GreatGran at all. She just asked her DP, after four years, to mention her DD’s birthday to her. She’s actually been very kind to her, doing her online shopping when she wasn’t well when others in the family wouldn’t.

If anything, she’s tried too hard. The fact that no other family members who help out with the online shopping is very telling, I think, that she isn’t as nice to other family members as the OP thinks?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/03/2021 14:23

I would absolutely send the card back. I’m a SM with no bio kids yet (planning on TTC next year) and anyone in my family who doesn’t treat my DSD as family would be cut off immediately as she doesn’t need that in her life.

FWIW I’m extra sensitive to this - my DH has siblings - 2 full and 1 the child of his Dad and SM. His own Mum passed away when he was a child. The SM and her parents have never treated the children as equals and her bio child was favoured both financially and emotionally. It’s sickening to hear about and he and his siblings are now NC or LC with her and her family. It’s been a horrendous process of feeling not good enough and he’s had a great deal of therapy for self esteem issues resulting from this. His siblings have also suffered - one has addressed this through therapy but one is still finding life difficult. Children notice it, feel it, react to it and suffer for it. If you genuinely are not the type of person who can love a non bio child then please step away from the family for the children’s sake.

loveheartss · 22/03/2021 14:31

@aSofaNearYou you are spectacularly missing the point. this woman's grandson does not see the differentiation between the three children. He has asked his grandmother to treat them all the same. She is continuing not to do. This man sees this child as his and has taken her on.

Like I said, his gran can dislike the OP all she wants. She might not feel a connection to this child (who has been in their life since the age of 2) but her grandson has said it is his wishes that the 3 children do not get treated differently. That last bit should be the end of it - her grandson has requested she treat them the same. In his mind, they are ALL his children, there is no way to dress it up where the grandmother in this scenario does not come across as cruel and petty.

I don't understand where you are getting this notion that OP has bulldozed her way into this family, caused a massive friction and has been rude to this grandmother? Where are you getting this back story from?

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2021 14:40

In terms of whether OP has been rude, the GMM has been told by multiple separate people "how much this upsets them". OP had described it in terms such as "absolutely awful" and "cruel".

From the point of view of a great grandmother with multiple grandkids, this whole situation must be coming across like very hard work, and that is probably, being honest, how she views OP. People really need to realise that everybody else's lives do not revolve around their decision to blend their family.

For me personally, to receive any demands or criticisms about the gifts I do and don't remember to send would be rude and entitled in it's own right. People say and do a lot of things about gifts on MN that are, to my mind, very bad manners. Perhaps the GGM thinks similarly.