Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

[MsTSwift]

If dh kept that a secret from me I would seriously question our marriage.

[MsTSwift]

But he is a brilliant dh and we are a team so different scenario

[FinallyFluid]

Inheritance aside, is he so tight with your discretionary spends that he can't perceive of the fact that you might have some disposable income of your own to treat the children. How much would it have cost ?

Less than a fiver ?

What sort of message are your children getting here ?

Oh and keep the money, you will need it for your Fk off fund.*

And if you have been stupid with money in the past there is a world of difference between frittering money on shoes, boots and handbags as opposed to chocolate and ribena and scarves and socks.

[partyatthepalace]

I mean you shouldn’t but... it sounds like he is very tight with money and you have less clout as the lower earner, so under the circs - ok

[MiaChia]

Whether or not you realise it, your DH most certainly is financially abusive. Being 'tight' with himself is his choice but not allowing you to spend money on what sound like pretty basic things for your children is abusive.

I would never hide any sort of inheritance from my DH because we have a joint account and neither of us questions the other's spending. We discuss large purchases but buying a few strawberries or a bottle of Ribena hardly qualifies as a large purchase does it?

I hope you wake up to what is happening to you and your children soon. BTW I voted YANBU not to tell the abusive b***d that you have inherited money.

[TJ17]

Never and if I felt the need to keep it from him he would no longer be my DH. Hope that tells you all you need to know.

[Calmdown14]

Your husband's attitude depends on how tight money actually is. If the food budget is £50 and going over that puts you into an overdraft then raising an eyebrow over spending a fiver of it on two items is totally understandable. If you have hundreds left over each month perhaps not.
I can't really see how if you plan to save £9500 your husband can really object but will this actually be the case or do you have form for frittering?
Personally I think if the tables were turned and it was an OP trying to eek out a food budget every week and to then found out the husband had a secret 10k the responses would be very different

[thisgardenlife]

As an escape fund, yes. In any other circumstances, no.

[Crystal90567]

Abusive and controlling behaviour from your husband.

[nimbuscloud]

How difficult has your financial situation been that he reacts like this?
Presumably you have your own bank account that he has no access to?

[Anydreamwilldo12]

If my husband was a reasonable normal man then I would definitely tell him. No reason not to

If my husband openly disapproved of me spending a few quid at the local shop to treat my child to a drink and some healthy fruit then I most certainly would not tell him.

[Roszie]

That's not tight. That's just plain wrong.

[MichelleScarn]

It would depend on necessities as per pp, absolutely skint and every penny is needed and its fancy cashmere socks, and the strawberries and Ribena is 'not needed' as you have drinks and fruit already at home then yabu.
You're actually ok for money and he sees himself as the Head of the Household and wants to control everything, yanbu and he's a total arse!

[Tal45]

Keep it quiet and then use it as a fuck off fund. This is very controlling and abusive but it sounds like it has become your normal. Having to sneak around to buy yourself some socks and chocolate is really, really. sad. x

[Ladderclimber]

OP’s husband is not abusive ffs! He’s sensible with money as the OP admits things have been hard. He’s also contributing the most, financially so is probably really aware of the burden of being careful with money.

What the OP is doing is horrible and deceptive. If I found out my DH did this our marriage would be over.

[Blueappletree]

10k is a lot but not that a lot to keep it secret from dh. And wouldn't be spending bit by bit buying socks or chocolate, I would use it in more meaningful way, like a family holiday or savings for children.

[PinkiOcelot]

I would definitely tell my DH. I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself, but then again I don’t have to hide the wrapping from strawberries or socks. I just buy what I want when I want.

That is so not normal OP.

[SheenMcQueen]

No I wouldn't hide it.

But given his financial 'style', I might tell him I'd inherited £5K and that I'm happy to put it into the family pot so long so long as he understood that it was to be enjoyed: nice food/days out etc

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

@Ladderclimber

OP’s husband is not abusive ffs! He’s sensible with money as the OP admits things have been hard. He’s also contributing the most, financially so is probably really aware of the burden of being careful with money.

What the OP is doing is horrible and deceptive. If I found out my DH did this our marriage would be over.

No. He makes her feel bad for buying new socks and food for the children. That's not sensible - it's abusive.

[WisnaeMe]

@Ladderclimber

OP’s husband is not abusive ffs! He’s sensible with money as the OP admits things have been hard. He’s also contributing the most, financially so is probably really aware of the burden of being careful with money.

What the OP is doing is horrible and deceptive. If I found out my DH did this our marriage would be over.

oh dear

[Ladderclimber]

Personally I think if the tables were turned and it was an OP trying to eek out a food budget every week and to then found out the husband had a secret 10k the responses would be very different

Quite! But if a man dares to be careful with money and - god forbid - raises an EYEBROW at seeing his wife trying to hide expensive purchases from him, then he’s an abuser that needs to be escaped from.

[SD1978]

You say there's been a hard couple of years- where are your finances at now, and savings? He contributes more financially currently to the tuning of the house, and seems to have the budget for food shopping, because he is better at saving, if you found that he'd siphoned off money from his larger wage and had that secretly in an account how would you feel? It's not the keeping it I ever see issue with, it's lying/ deceiving about having it which shows some pretty big issues in a relationship to me- if my partner felt they had to hide things from me to feel better, I'd be pretty upset and be questioning the relationship full stop.

[WisnaeMe]

@Blueappletree

10k is a lot but not that a lot to keep it secret from dh. And wouldn't be spending bit by bit buying socks or chocolate, I would use it in more meaningful way, like a family holiday or savings for children.

you would spend £10K on a family holiday rather than save it a buy your child the occasional punnet of strawberries and chocolate, that's interesting 🤔

[Mylovelyhorsee]

How is socks big spending? Op are you being finically abused? Try and save this money for when you need it.

[Dddccc]

Its sounds to me that they struggle with finances and he has just pulled them out a hole and has cut everything back and buying crap at the local shop is more expensive then a supermarket, however I would keep some money for me and put the rest into savings and also tell dh this hiding money is stupid unless you need to leave an abusive relationship