Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

Dear God, I wouldn't have to tell him, could never be with a control freak who insisted on things, like your Dad, or employer, yuk.

@Devlesko

Dear God, I wouldn't have to tell him, could never be with a control freak who insisted on things, like your Dad, or employer, yuk.

What is it you think her partner has insisted on?

@WordOfTheDay

He is worried sick about your precarious financial situation and shopping carefully and only at Aldi and not at the village shop. You have £10,000 and are thinking of not telling him about this amazing windfall that will possibly resolve your financial issues.

Surely, it’s cruel to leave him shouldering the weight of the bulk of the bills, very worried about the family finances and counting every penny, when it’s no longer necessary. Don’t you want an honest relationship and partnership? Don’t you care about him? Don’t you want both him and you to enjoy the relief of reduced pressure on family finances and occasional treats. It seems about cruel to want to leave him worried and in ignorance of the true financial situation.

This, absolutely. I could never keep a secret like this from my husband and likewise if he kept it from me I don't know how it would impact our marriage. You need to tell him, then you agree, together, as equal life partners, how you are going to budget it to most benefit your family going forward. Save some, pay some on your mortgage, plan a trip or a project, plan some treats, think of how to honour the memory of the person who left it to you. I'm sorry for your loss.

For what is worth @MoonBaby1 I have inherited more than 10K and my OH knows nothing about it!

I’m older than you - and owing to our son having a Learning Disability I haven’t worked full time and therefore not built up much of a pension. (He hasn’t either but has a totally different attitude towards money than I do) I don’t want to have to keep working to ‘survive’ and worrying about money.

It may well be that at some point I take my stash and run ...... money gives me that choice.

Just to add I do pay more than my fair share of the household bills: mortgage, council tax and main weekly food shop and earn less than he does.

I agree with you heavenlypink, as you get older you have to think of the future, if you have enough pension and what quality of life you will have especially if you are not in a good marriage and are dependent on their pension. Less worries if you have some security with savings.

Only you can know if this is abusive or moving that way, or if it is a marriage working hard to manage financially. Everyone I know who has escaped a nasty relationship has started off in situations like this that never "re-set" back to a relaxed and EQUAL attitude to life even when things are financially improving again.

Please remember that your contribution is of course financial - if the family budget were to pay you for child-care (including all the stuff that you do in the evenings while he is "resting after a hard day working" - often the case). Once the work day is over, are you equal in the amount of time and effort you both contribute to cooking, cleaning and household admin?

Child rearing is a fair and equal contribution - but in a different currency. Your promotion prospects are also being sacrificed, as is your pension and your confidence - all because of child-care. You are putting LOTS into the family pot

If a man were to ask this he'd be roasted.

He is worried sick about your precarious financial situation and shopping carefully and only at Aldi and not at the village shop. You have £10,000 and are thinking of not telling him about this amazing windfall that will possibly resolve your financial issues.

''Surely, it’s cruel to leave him shouldering the weight of the bulk of the bills, very worried about the family finances and counting every penny, when it’s no longer necessary. Don’t you want an honest relationship and partnership? Don’t you care about him? Don’t you want both him and you to enjoy the relief of reduced pressure on family finances and occasional treats. It seems about cruel to want to leave him worried and in ignorance of the true financial situation.''

This. Shocked at the responses here.

@thatwasme22

If a man were to ask this he'd be roasted.

Sure he would! ... because our society does not currently place equal value on the contribution of homecare, and childcare and earning cash.

We really do live in a world where money is the only way for a woman to escape (family unlikely to be willing or able to rescue her and the children until adulthood), and where men do still earn unequally large pay (just see the Asda issue right now). It is absolutely essential that this woman considers the extent to which she is vulnerable in this society, and this marriage, through the very nature of being part-time at work in favour for childcare.

If the marriage is loving and equal and kind and communicative she would not be asking this. But I realise that most relationships are about navigating through stuff - mountains of it.

The trick is always to do that without feeling used or vulnerable or controlled, and for the other party to avoid wanting a partner to feel that, rather than just crowing over a "win" and being in charge. Each partner needs to be completely informed of what is happening, and to find a way to consent in even a time-limited way to something.

The OP is agreeing about her dis-honesty/non-disclosure, and lots of the posters here are wondering about "Why?" she needs to do that. She may be passive aggressive about her negotiations with DH and/or just unwilling to stand her ground .... or scared to do so.

Getting her, and all of us here, to consider these issues is important.

We have to constantly ask - "What is the difference between organising ourselves around the needs of others so that we can form happy communities and rub along together well, and doing so to the detriment of ourselves so that we are smaller, or quieter or not as much of a person as we can be?"

10k, this day and age is nothing

Just squirrel away £9,500 and insist that you're using £500 to make your year easier than the last. If he can put his foot down then so can you!