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Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2021 18:52

But isn't your current existence just miserable? I've had very lean financial periods of life and it's miserable being "poor".

VettiyaIruken · 21/03/2021 18:52

Expensive purchases? Fruit for their children and some socks?

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 18:53


But isn't your current existence just miserable? I've had very lean financial periods of life and it's miserable being "poor".

OP said her Husband would lock down the money and it would never be spent.
bumblingbovine49 · 21/03/2021 18:53

Just tell him you have it and tell him you are keeping xxx amount for just frittering as that is what you have missed recently. I can understand the desire to just buy something you want without having to account for every penny in a serious budget with no ' fun money'

Feelingconfusedtonight · 21/03/2021 18:54


We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.

@MoonBaby1 this is no way to live
Ladderclimber · 21/03/2021 18:54

You’re showing your privilege that you don’t think strawberries in March or socks off Amazon are unnecessarily expensive luxuries.

Jiggyjiggyjabjab · 21/03/2021 18:54

I'm struggling to get past hiding Strawberries and ribena for the kids tbh.... and socks!!??

Use the 10k to leave.

StoneofDestiny · 21/03/2021 18:55

Crikey - he won't let you buy strawberries, socks, ribena?

I'd be off - couldn't live like that.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 21/03/2021 18:55

Inheritances or money gifts in our house belong to the person who gets them. Until now though, we've shared them or used them on things that benefit everyone in the family. I wouldn't keep it secret.

Flaunch · 21/03/2021 18:57

In my relationship, no. In your relationship most definitely.

Lessthanaballpark · 21/03/2021 18:57

Normally I would say that you should totally tell him, as he should you, but it sounds like he might be financially abusive so I would decide whether you want to stay with him and if you don't, use the money to skidaddle, not on sweets.


NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 18:57

He sounds joyless. I’d be inclined to hide it if I were you, but expect a big fall out of he did find out.

incywincyspidery · 21/03/2021 18:57

I think it very much depends on your situation and in your shoes I may well do what you're thinking of doing. For many years, any money we had would walk straight out the door to the pub with DH. Things have changed and we're good now, stable and with growing savings, but if we were still in that situation I would definitely have kept it to myself. Not to leave him out but as back up money for when we needed things and didn't have the means to buy it. Because if I'd told him I wouldn't have got a look in on spending much of it anyway. Only you can judge your own situation. Luxury for me 20 years ago was buying my kids socks or t shirts with patterns on instead of the plain ones which were cheaper.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 21/03/2021 18:58


You’re showing your privilege that you don’t think strawberries in March or socks off Amazon are unnecessarily expensive luxuries.

But there's nothing in the OP that implies it leaves them broke - all it says is that they had a hard couple of years.

If they only had £50 a week for food and OP was spending £10 of it on chocolate, strawberries and socks, you might have a point. But it doesn't say that at all.

Getting pissed off because someone buys socks and chocolate is a ridiculous way for a grown adult to behave.
Ladderclimber · 21/03/2021 18:59

The real problem is the lying. They’re meant to be a team. OP says he’s not abusive and that they have a happy marriage. If she disagrees with him being careful with money then she needs to say that not just deceive him. Sounds like she knows he’s right about the need to save but just wants to fritter a bit. If so she needs to be honest enough to say this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 18:59

I assume OP won't be back to explain if they're on the breadline or not, which makes all of the debate meaningless.

WaterBottle123 · 21/03/2021 18:59

He'd 'let' you buy cheap chocolate from Aldi?

This isn't a good relationship, he's controlling. Hide the money and add to it if you can, plus go full time if possible to build financial independence

Babygotblueyes · 21/03/2021 18:59

If I found out my partner had kept something like this from me that would be a deal breaker. But I would also expect he would be able to keep some of it just for fun!

adrien · 21/03/2021 19:00

My Grandma always told me to have a secret stash your husband doesn't know about it.

You can never know anyone 100 and if it isn't his it's not stealing or anything, it's security.

Siepie · 21/03/2021 19:00

I wouldn't even consider hiding it from my partner, but my partner wouldn't even consider telling me I can't buy ribena.

If your household income is so tight that buying ribena would push you into debt, I think you should work out how to use it to best benefit your family. Either work out with your husband, or work it out then tell him, but don't hide a secret 10k if a genuinely loving husband is also unable to afford even the cheapest 'treats'.

If he's just being tight and you do have the money, I'd use that 10k to leave.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/03/2021 19:00

Your question should have been...

'In MY situation, ie one where I need to hide the fact I've bought strawberries for our children, would you keep £10k a secret.'
Unanimous yes.

But asking simply 'would you keep £10k a secret' of people who don't have to hide wrappers from their husbands, is going to produce a very different answer.

luxxlisbon · 21/03/2021 19:01


You’re showing your privilege that you don’t think strawberries in March or socks off Amazon are unnecessarily expensive luxuries.

I agree. Some people have clearly never had to budget. The reality is some families only have an absolute set amount for groceries or other household bits and the money for £10 her and £5 there in the corner shop on treats just isn't there. £10 extra on chocolate and strawberries could easily mean £10 less for petrol or energy bills.

Now if OP and her husband had a decent surplus then maybe this guy is being tight, but she admits they have had a really tough few years financially so it isn't a crazy suggestion that the husband sticking to a budget on the food shop is one of the main things that have helped them.
GoLightlyontheEarth · 21/03/2021 19:01

I wouldn’t keep it a secret but I would put it in an account in your name. It’s up to you how you spend it. I think if money is really tight I can understand why your husband is worried and trying to keep spending in check. However you should decide together how money is to be spent, no matter how skint you are or who is earning it.
You shouldn’t be deceiving him or feel you can’t buy your children treats if you want to with the windfall.

Alsohuman · 21/03/2021 19:01

Given your husband’s bizarre attitude to money, I think you’re absolutely right to keep quiet about it. Mine would get put back in his box very swiftly if he attempted to micro manage my spending of such small amounts.

WhySoSensitive · 21/03/2021 19:02

It’s so sad you’re not even allowed to buy strawberries.
I’d be using the money to get out from under his watch.

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