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Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

MrsSugar · 21/03/2021 18:23

No. I inherited £10k and my husband is aware of it but he would never expect from it and he never begrudges me anything. I tend to keep things until they are knackered so he would prob be glad if I got something new for a chance

LordOfTheOnionRings · 21/03/2021 18:24're marries to someone that won't let you buy chocolate from the village shop? Keep the money, you're going to need it to divorce your husband.

Pbur · 21/03/2021 18:24

I would either save it in an investment account or at the very least a fixed term deposit, or tell him.

He doesn’t sound financially abusive at all, as you say you’ve had a hard few years and he sounds like he is being very sensible - it is extremely easy to fritter away your money on expensive food items at the local village store. He sounds like he has been working hard to keep you financially afloat and sacrificing many small pleasures along the way, so he deserves to know about this windfall so you can decide what to do with it together - perhaps sensibly save it for your futures and put a small amount aside for a special weekend for the two of you to reward all your hard work budgeting.

It would be really horrible to continue frittering it away on ribena, hiding this from him etc.

Either you save it all now and don’t touch it for a safety net (if he is abusive and you feel you need that to escape) or you share the news with him and come up with a plan together.

Maybe he would enjoy the freedom of being able to have strawberries as a family with you because he’s not trying to make ends meet.

CreosoteQueen · 21/03/2021 18:25

One of you is being unreasonable. Either he’s financially abusive and begrudges you tiny expenditures like strawberries for your kids. Or he’s not abusive, and you’re frittering away a chunk of money which ought to be considered part of your household income.

In a healthy, happy relationship people have discussions about money and come to mutually acceptable agreements. You could say to him that you want to spend some and save some, and it wouldn’t be an issue. The fact that the whole thing is shrouded in secrecy means either you’re wrong to hide it from him, or he has behaved badly to the extent that you feel you need to.

Which one do you think it is? He sounds tight to the point of being abusive to me, but you seem a bit dismissive of that (perhaps because it’s what you are used to). I think you need to consider how / why this situation has arisen and assess where you stand as a result.

Aprilx · 21/03/2021 18:25

No I would not hide this from my husband and now would I need to as fortunately he doesn’t try to control my ribena or socks or anything else like that.

Raincoatdog · 21/03/2021 18:26

I can't ever imagine hiding that from my partner, all our finances are joint and would want him to benefit from it too. We would decide together what to use it for.

DancesWithDaffodils · 21/03/2021 18:26

No, I personally wouldnt hide 10k from my husband.
But equally, I wouldnt hide ribena or chocolate purchases from him. And since he wfh, he sees all the amaon parcels.

In your situation, I absolutely would keep the 10k safe somewhere without his knowledge.
I'd also carry on spending it on socks, scarves, snacks, books etc. However if you can fi d a way for these spends to be part of the shared fi ances, I think it would be much healthier. Could you maybe agree £50/month for frivolous spending across the family? That is assuming you normally have money left at the end of the month, and not mo th left at the end of the money.

happymummy12345 · 21/03/2021 18:27

No I would never ever keep anything from my husband because I would never ever need to. Likewise neither would he.
The fact you feel like you want to need to or should screams alarm bells to me, should you be married to someone who makes you feel this way?

firstimemamma · 21/03/2021 18:27

Well in a 'generally happy, good relationship' of course I think keeping £10k a secret is wrong but your relationship doesn't sound normal or healthy I'm afraid. It's not normal to have to worry about hiding evidence of little things as you describe in your op. I'm sorry for your situation Thanks

HeadNorth · 21/03/2021 18:28

I would not dream of hiding this from my husband - I'd be thrilled to tell him and share the joy.

The fact you feel like this is a big red flag that your relationship is not as happy as you are trying to paint it. If you want to squirrel the money away so you have a safety net so you can leave that is one thing. But if you think keeping a secret like this is compatible with a happy, open relationship then you are lying to yourself.

You have a good marriage and can share the good news or a dodgy marriage and need to keep an escape fund. It is one or the other, you can't have both. Time for some honest reflection, I think.

Pbur · 21/03/2021 18:28


I would tell DH, but then he's not a tight bastard who would try to stop me spending money on everyday items that we could well afford.

From the sounds of it they can’t afford it though - if money is tight and you have a set food budget that you buy together in bulk for the week, then it isnt prudent to be buying overpriced strawberries. Obviously if they can afford it it’s a different story.
CyberdyneSystems · 21/03/2021 18:28

I think it's very odd keeping it from your husband and it says a lot about your relationship

Notaroadrunner · 21/03/2021 18:29

Is there a back story whereby you have spent a lot of family money frivolously and built up a debt? Is it a case that he took over the purse strings in an effort to pay off a debt you alone created? If so then I'd understand him being annoyed at you spending outside the food budget. If not and he's just a tight wad then I'd hold onto your 10k as a running away fund. Or tell him about it, save some and at least get some joy from spending some of it. Sneaking in ribena and strawberries surely takes the good out of treating the kids.

Diaryofanapper · 21/03/2021 18:29

Feeling guilty about buying socks and chocolate?
This is just normal shopping, not even a treat.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 21/03/2021 18:29

I would never keep it secret but my DH would never have an issue with me buying small treats for my DC (or me). You don't have a good marriage if that is taking place.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/03/2021 18:31

A few months before she died, my Mum (who knew she was terminal) gave several thousand to each of us siblings because she wanted to see us get it. My older brother elected not to tell his wife. About a year later, my Dad let it out in front of my sister-in-law - she was absolutely fucking FURIOUS with my brother.

Notavegan · 21/03/2021 18:31

Money must be pretty tight, and you are considering keeping secret 10k. This is not good! Imagine if you discovered he had a secret fund.

katy1213 · 21/03/2021 18:31

Never mind the Ribena - you need a running away fund.

VettiyaIruken · 21/03/2021 18:32

If he wasn't financially controlling you wouldn't be hiding it from him so you could buy socks and strawberries. That you feel you had to hide packaging sounds like you're afraid. Finally to say he would take control of it and not allow you to spend it is practically the dictionary definition of financially controlling.

Are you sure it's a happy marriage of equals?

CallmeHendricks · 21/03/2021 18:32

I would tell him, but not allow him to have an opinion on what I spent it on (in your situation).
But I'm afraid it sounds to me as if you have bigger issues than this in your marriage.

ProfYaffle · 21/03/2021 18:33

My dh is also not materialistic but would never dream of restricting socks or fruit for the dc. No way would I tolerate being 'allowed' to buy certain types of chocolate as he saw fit. And I've been a sahm with zero financial contribution.

It's not a reasonable or healthy situation for you. Previous advice to use your inheritance as an escape fund is spot on.

GoWalkabout · 21/03/2021 18:33

It's unreasonable to hide it, but you should have a say in household spending. It's a shame you are anxious about his reactions. If he's a good man you can say how you feel and if he's not then ltb.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/03/2021 18:34

I wouldn’t keep it secret, but then my dh would never have raised eyebrows if I bought a few treats.
All our money has always been ‘ours’.

CeeJay81 · 21/03/2021 18:34

I would tell me my husband, like he told me when he got some couple of years back. I couldn't be with someone who is that tight, it would drive me mad. We are on a low income but still allow ourselves and our kids some treats. We are both on the same page when it comes to money though.

8bitgame · 21/03/2021 18:34

I would tell my DH but my DH wouldn't raise his eyebrows if I bought strawberries and ribena.

I was coming on to say YABU but it sounds like there are some real issues here and YANBU.

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