Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

[BigFatLiar]

@Snog

Do you think he has secret money too?

Perhaps that's why things are so tight, they're both so busy building secret savings in case they need to split that they can't afford to live.

[BigFatLiar]

@butterpuffed

Well, OP said on Sunday she thinks she'll tell him but not updated since then so maybe it's sorted.

Would be nice to know (nosey), perhaps just a wind up (I suspect much of MN is)

[WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName]

Based on what you’ve said your husband sounds financially controlling and mean, therefore I’d definitely keep it a secret. Hell, I’d keep it a secret anyway, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a little secret emergency fund.

[IM0GEN]

@Candleabra

Your husband raises eyebrows at the children eating strawberries? Please don't fritter away you inheritance on perfectly reasonable household expenses.
You may need it to escape your awful husband.

This.

[billy1966]

In a relationship like that, definitely.

[terrimom]

Honestly, the fact that both op and her husband do not think it appropriate for her to have enough money or the authority to decide to buy socks and strawberries for her children speaks volumes. Would any husband allow a wife to control the finances to that extent? And would it be considered healthy? Do you have access to any money of your own in the monthly budget? or do 100% of your earnings go to an account that only he controls the spending of? Is it his money is his money and your money is his money or is the money and spending decisions equally decided? It genuinely sounds terribly one sided if you are hiding fruit as an "unapproved" expense! It can be hard to see how inappropriate someone's behavior is when you are the one being controlled. Controlling individuals usually get that control in little steps like not allowing shopping for fruit and socks or not allowing any independent decisions about spending or what to do with your earnings or telling you they make better financial decisions so they will be in control. They will undermine your confidence in your ability to have autonomy in the relationship and in financial matters that should be shared decisions and you will start to agree and think that they are right to control everything. I would take a look and ask for an outside opinion of the entire relationship not just this one event.

[BigFatLiar]

Honestly, the fact that both op and her husband do not think it appropriate for her to have enough money or the authority to decide to buy socks and strawberries for her children speaks volumes.

@terrimom I don't think its the appropriateness of it that's the problem its that they simply don't have the money. (Well she does now but she hadn't told him and has let him believe that she's spending money they don't have). If she had said they needed socks or wanted strawberries the it could have been budgeted for. Perhaps you think its fine to let your partner believe you're running up debts. He's controlling the shopping budget because she thinks he's better at it and as they're strapped for cash someone has to keep an eye on it. By not telling him she has the cash and still spending it leaves him with he additional stress of worrying about where is it coming from.

[SleepingStandingUp]

think it appropriate for her to have enough money or the authority to decide to buy socks and strawberries well he's seen her with them and didn't ask where the money had come from or of she stole them so she clearly has access to money that he's aware of, they're just not meant to be spending it on treats.

[Pumpkinstace]

We were on the breadline once. We were close to getting evicted. I couldn't sleep with anxiety about it and was pregnant at the time.

My husband had £300 hidden away and didn't tell me.

One of the reasons I'm divorcing him.

[DreamingofDalyan]

Me now would say yes..keep it a secret and try and stash more away than he doesnt know about. As someone who is about to get divorced after 28 years.
When I got married I was in love trusted my husband obviously but very bloody stupidly let him control majority of finances as he was partner in accounting firm. I worked and gave him 1k a month towards mortgage bills etc. When I had our first child I left work in the hope that I would return when they started school. Well then 2nd child came along. I ended up staying at home until the youngest was 10. My husband did not want me to go back but by this stage he financially controlled everything. I got paid a weekly allowance for coffee. No matter what I said or did made no difference.
I then made enquiries and got my job back and loved having my own money. Wont go into it here but realised I wanted out.
I have since found out that my ex had been moving money out of joint account since we got married. Money I had inheritanted 20k he insisted he put in joint account...gone and I found out that the home we have lived in for 28 years that I thought was almost clear isnt ours. He changed mortgage to interest only without my knowledge and has paid no capital.
I am still in house with youngest but will need to sell it in 2 years to pay bank back. No equity in house as needs a lot of work which he refused to do. All that money that he has hidden and I have no idea where it is. My life is not exactly how I imagined it so now I would always advise any women to protect herself and stash some away. When you are in love its hard to think that you could ever be in a rubbish situation. If your marriage ends and if you haven't got one of the nice ones you could find your life upside down.
I know im cynical now but I thought I had the most amazing man ever. Kind honest caring...but what ive found out. Now I don't believe any man would tell their wife everything not at all and women are deluded if they think they do.
The money was given to you but from the sound of your description your husband is controlling about money and it will only get worse. I see a lot of myself in your story and all I can say is you have my sympathy x

[BigFatLiar]

@Pumpkinstace

We were on the breadline once. We were close to getting evicted. I couldn't sleep with anxiety about it and was pregnant at the time.

My husband had £300 hidden away and didn't tell me.

One of the reasons I'm divorcing him.

They're skint and she has 10k stashed away

Time for him to divorce her?

[BigFatLiar]

@DreamingofDalyan what you describe is deceitful and totally unacceptable in a relationship, trust is fundamental. However the idea of suggesting to her that its alright for her to be deceitful and hide money away is wrong, it works both ways. They either trust each other or they don't. What came out from the post was she'd bought extras, been spotted and feels guilty, OH hasn't raised it, she just feels guilty because she knows he knows she's spending money she doesn't have. Perhaps she has form for hidden spending and running up debts and he has to find a way to pay them, who knows. If she'd simply said at the outset it may have saved him a lot of worry about where the money was coming from.

[Beverley71]

I think you possibly need to reassess how you manage your finances. It’s not unreasonable to have your own spending money. Hiding a £10k inheritance could be unreasonable unless you were not in charge of your own finances

[GoLightlyontheEarth]

If it were the husband who had inherited and kept it a secret, I think I know what the backlash would be.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@DreamingofDalyan Me now would say yes..keep it a secret and try and stash more away than he doesnt know about
Some men are deceitful and hide money so you should continue to let your DH think you're living on the breadline and hide the 10k BUT ALSO dredge away every penny you can from that on the breadline budget. So what if the kids are living on beans on toast every day as long as you're protecting yourself from a possot scenario

[Pumpkinstace]

It was only one if the reasons, he was emotionally abusive and a gaslight but it definitely was one of the final straws.

It was money his mum had given us each week (£20) to help with food and things. It was his fault we were in that situation also.

He hid it away until my maternity pay was sorted and then blew it all on his hobby. First I new was when he came back with the shopping bags.

He thought I wouldn't notice.

[CleansUpPenguinPoo]

BillMasen
"This thread has 2 camps

Those that understand there may be times when strict budgeting is needed, it’s not necessarily controlling, op could be seen as a bit frivolous and they understand the husbands reaction to what looked like op spending what they haven’t got.

And those who either have never known a tight budget and the concept doesn’t compute, or who must blame the man!"

This! If you're on the breadline and times have been really tough, expensive fruit and drinks are luxuries which can be ill afforded. The children do get fruit, apples and so on, just not expensive out of season stuff.

Seems to me it's as if OP's been on a really strict diet and has found some cake - instead of eating one piece and enjoying the unexpected treat, she wants to scoff the lot. Understandable, but not practical or good for her. Best thing would be to tell her practical-with-household-bugets and good-at-looking-out-for-his-family husband about her inheritance, and suggest they each have a few hundred to celebrate with a bit of a splurge, and put the rest away towards the house deposit they're saving for.

Hopoe OP comes back to tell us the outcome..

[GoLightlyontheEarth]

@CleansUpPenguinPoo

BillMasen
"This thread has 2 camps

Those that understand there may be times when strict budgeting is needed, it’s not necessarily controlling, op could be seen as a bit frivolous and they understand the husbands reaction to what looked like op spending what they haven’t got.

And those who either have never known a tight budget and the concept doesn’t compute, or who must blame the man!"

This! If you're on the breadline and times have been really tough, expensive fruit and drinks are luxuries which can be ill afforded. The children do get fruit, apples and so on, just not expensive out of season stuff.

Seems to me it's as if OP's been on a really strict diet and has found some cake - instead of eating one piece and enjoying the unexpected treat, she wants to scoff the lot. Understandable, but not practical or good for her. Best thing would be to tell her practical-with-household-bugets and good-at-looking-out-for-his-family husband about her inheritance, and suggest they each have a few hundred to celebrate with a bit of a splurge, and put the rest away towards the house deposit they're saving for.

Hopoe OP comes back to tell us the outcome..

Totally agree

[SleepingStandingUp]

Ah but this is MN so a practical-with-household-bugets and good-at-looking-out-for-his-family husband is abusive and a not practical-with-household-bugets and good-at-looking-out-for-his-family husband* is a man child

[CleansUpPenguinPoo]

@SleepingStandingUp - I forgot about that bit!

[Yazkiz]

General question. What happens in a divorce if you have an emergency fund, is the other partners, husband or wife, going to get half of it anyway?

[SavedDownTheWell]

@Yazkiz I expect so if that pot was still there being a certain point in the separation (don't know when that point would be exactly - happy to be told by someone with the expertise!)

But the point of it (as I understand it) is to have immediate money at your disposal to get out of the situation - deposit for renting a new place, general life expenses for a short period if you otherwise have joint bank accounts your OH might empty at a moment's notice etc. So a lot of it would be used pretty quickly, I expect, and not be available to be divided.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

@Yazkiz

General question. What happens in a divorce if you have an emergency fund, is the other partners, husband or wife, going to get half of it anyway?

Probably. The point of a "running away fund" is that lots of women who are sahms or otherwise have little income of their own or don't have access to other family assets. So having capital they can access means they are able to set up a household on their own without having to rely on the good will of the spouse they are leaving and until they can sort out increasing their income or gain access to assets of the marriage.

[WordOfTheDay]

He is worried sick about your precarious financial situation and shopping carefully and only at Aldi and not at the village shop. You have £10,000 and are thinking of not telling him about this amazing windfall that will possibly resolve your financial issues.

Surely, it’s cruel to leave him shouldering the weight of the bulk of the bills, very worried about the family finances and counting every penny, when it’s no longer necessary. Don’t you want an honest relationship and partnership? Don’t you care about him? Don’t you want both him and you to enjoy the relief of reduced pressure on family finances and occasional treats. It seems about cruel to want to leave him worried and in ignorance of the true financial situation.

[GoLightlyontheEarth]

@WordOfTheDay

He is worried sick about your precarious financial situation and shopping carefully and only at Aldi and not at the village shop. You have £10,000 and are thinking of not telling him about this amazing windfall that will possibly resolve your financial issues.

Surely, it’s cruel to leave him shouldering the weight of the bulk of the bills, very worried about the family finances and counting every penny, when it’s no longer necessary. Don’t you want an honest relationship and partnership? Don’t you care about him? Don’t you want both him and you to enjoy the relief of reduced pressure on family finances and occasional treats. It seems about cruel to want to leave him worried and in ignorance of the true financial situation.

Finally, someone sensible.