Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

I lasted 15 years in a relationship that I didn't realize was controlling and abusive. My husband complained every time I spent a cent on essentials (food, clothing for the kids, medical care, etc). Meanwhile he justified running up $125,000 in credit card debt running a business together. I did not realize how bad it really was until he left, never paid a cent in child support and I was doing better on my own than when he lived with us. Your husband is not just a tight wad, he is controlling you with guilt about money. You know this because you are hiding your inheritance from him and hiding the fact that you bought your children strawberries and socks! He makes you feel as those are extravagances that you are not "allowed" to decide to buy on your own. That he is "better" at the food shop than you are. Ridiculous and demeaning and you don't see it yet. Rethink your view of your relationship now before it gets worse. Go to counseling if you need to and keep the money for if or when you need to be free to make adult decisions without someone undermining you and your confidence.

Sounds like you've had a rough few years and have had to stick to a serious budget to manage. You really should tell your husband he's under the impression this budget still needs to hold so he's obviously keeping an eye on things.
Tell him maybe he'd also like to enjoy a few luxurious

He's not tight he's financially abusive put the money safely away and ditch him

Tell him ..and tell him you are keeping back an amount so you can buy treats ... Maybe he is stressed out about money because the weight of not losing your job in this climate is too much ...it's a windfall so may ease the burden for you both ... relationship is about trust & another relation may mention your good fortune ..if he is a control freak ...tell him to ease up or time to think about how you see your future

Absolutely no judgement here, this comment is coming from a place of concern.... that to me, does not sound like a healthy relationship, if you need to hide like, ribena, chocolate and socks! Bloody hell, read untamed, listen to some self help audio books, listen to some podcasts or something, but PLEASE do something to sort this out, it's not the bloody handmaid's tale you're living in! You should feel free all the time, not just when you've had a bit of secret money...

You maybe have made it sound worse than it is, and you're a spendthrift who needs reigning in (I feel ye I You are!) But please be happy OP! That doesn't sound healthy to me

Great advice

@Richconstance

Absolutely no judgement here, this comment is coming from a place of concern.... that to me, does not sound like a healthy relationship, if you need to hide like, ribena, chocolate and socks! Bloody hell, read untamed, listen to some self help audio books, listen to some podcasts or something, but PLEASE do something to sort this out, it's not the bloody handmaid's tale you're living in! You should feel free all the time, not just when you've had a bit of secret money...

You maybe have made it sound worse than it is, and you're a spendthrift who needs reigning in (I feel ye I You are!) But please be happy OP! That doesn't sound healthy to me

Thing is she doesn't have to to hide the stuff just ask him to add it to the list. He already does get chocolate for the kids (and there's nothing wrong with Lidl's or Aldi's chocolate). It may be that she's concerned about having bought them from the corner shop where costs are higher. He may not mind as long as its accounted for rather than being money they haven't budgeted.

I suspect she's simply worried about spending when they've been through a difficult time financially. I doubt many dads want their family going without socks he sounds mean not because he doesn't buy them but because she doesn't tell him to add socks to the list.

No point telling her to keep the money so she can run away, from the sounds of it he's the one who saves she's the one who spends so her running away money may simply be frittered away. Perhaps he needs the running away fund in case times get hard again.

He sounds mean because he's having to manage the budget and she's not telling him when they need extras. If you're on a tight budget you can include a little extra if you know its needed/wanted.

@MoonBaby1

We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.

I’m sorry but this made me go cold. It reminded me of a very controlling relationship I was in when I was 16-27. I wasn’t allowed to buy treats & would sneak them in the house. It is not healthy. The fact that you are asking the question speaks volumes. Have you any family or friends you can discuss this with?

@MoonBaby1 I personally wouldn't hide money from my husband but yours sounds very controlling. The fact that you can't buy things for the kids is just ridiculous.
Has he always been like this??

I would maybe keep the money in a separate account and just leave it there. If anything happens in the future you have that money behind you :) hope this helps

Me too it almost sounds too odd to be true ! But who knows maybe this does happen

That’s terrible

Perhaps he should leave.

When you're struggling on a tight budget to pay the bills and save a bit here and there yet your partner seems to be spending money they don't have on unbudgeted items it makes your efforts pointless. He may be better leaving and lose that worry.

I feel sorry for her

How odd, why arent you allowed to buy something as normal as strawberries and Ribena? I wouldnt dream of not telling my dh I had inherited? I am constantly amazed by some people's relationships on here !

@Flowers24

How odd, why arent you allowed to buy something as normal as strawberries and Ribena? I wouldnt dream of not telling my dh I had inherited? I am constantly amazed by some people's relationships on here !

Because money is tight, they’re on the breadline, he has to budget, it looks like she’s not great with cash and he must now feel she’s buying and hiding things they can’t afford

I presume you’ve never been on the breadline or tried to make ends meet when a partner keeps wasting money!

@BigFatLiar

Perhaps he should leave.

When you're struggling on a tight budget to pay the bills and save a bit here and there yet your partner seems to be spending money they don't have on unbudgeted items it makes your efforts pointless. He may be better leaving and lose that worry.

You’re hanging your head on a brick wall. People are not listening and have decided he’s abusive. Apparently if you’re a man then budgeting is controlling...

They said were in a tough position but now both working and earning, so not on the breadline?

@Flowers24

They said were in a tough position but now both working and earning, so not on the breadline?

21/3/21 19:13 we are on the breadline

That’s not wasting money it’s fruit for her growing child

Then maybe you need to tell your husband about the money you have and help him out

Sorry OP but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship so whilst normally I would say yabu, I think you should be keeping that money safe and taking a long hard look at things. If you can't buy a punnet of strawberries without having to hide the packaging then there is definitely a problem!

Its family money, you should share.

Oh sorry just saw you are hiding from your DH, not the other way around in that case its fine

I'd buy the strawberries and tell him to fuck himself.
He can be as tight as he likes , he can't tell you not to buy fruit.
You're 'allowed' to have cheap chocolate from Aldi ?
No no no.
Use the money for your 'fuck off fund'.

breadline. noun. a queue of people waiting for free food given out by a government agency or a charity organization. on the breadline impoverished; living at subsistence level.

@VeganVeal

Its family money, you should share.

Oh sorry just saw you are hiding from your DH, not the other way around in that case its fine

Spot on

And as I said earlier, woman budgeting is sensible and stopping her feckless partner from wasting it all. Man budgeting is controlling and abusive and you should spend what you want