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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
BillMasen · 23/03/2021 10:47

@JSL52

I'd buy the strawberries and tell him to fuck himself. He can be as tight as he likes , he can't tell you not to buy fruit. You're 'allowed' to have cheap chocolate from Aldi Confused? No no no. Use the money for your 'fuck off fund'.
Mate I’d just buy the computer game/gadget/beer and tell her to fuck herself. She can’t tell you not to buy what you want. She can’t make you have the cheap stuff, doesn’t matter whether you can afford it just get what you want. Fuck budgeting
SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2021 10:47

@Flowers24

How odd, why arent you allowed to buy something as normal as strawberries and Ribena? I wouldnt dream of not telling my dh I had inherited? I am constantly amazed by some people's relationships on here !
Because if you're skint and accounting for every penny those things ARE unnecessary and expensive. No child needs ribena, there's plenty of own brand alternatives. Strawberries are one of the more expensive fruits so whilst the kids needs healthy food, they don't need expensive punnets of strawberries from the village shop Vs frozen strawberries, fresh apples and bananas etc in the weekly shop.

Are the socks needed or just cute new ones because they're fun? Same for the scarf? Is it needed or wanted? If your skint the difference matters.

We went through periods when we lived off a sack of potatoes, eggs, bread and beans. Mean, potatoes and peas on a Sunday. The odd bits of other stuff if it was on sale. There just isn't always money for expensive choices

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2021 10:55

@MoonBaby1 for clarity, would he "not let you" as in he'd talk sense into you not spending it all and convince you to put it into YOUR savings or he wouldn't let you as in you'd be too scared and would have to hand it over to him?

Is he expecting you / the kids to walk around in holey socks / without basic things like scarves and gloves or does he just know you can't afford to buy frivolous stuff?
Is he better at the shopping and budget code for you over spend and plan badly and money is tight or that he buys the absolute bare minimum for you, doesn't care about the kids having a balanced diet and will happily see you all go hungry?

There's so much gap between what you've said and what can be inferred and this is MN where "he's better at doing X" means he's an abusive dickhead and "I'm better at doing X" means he's a CF cocklodger

Yazkiz · 23/03/2021 10:57

Trust your instincts. It is your inheritance from a loved one. They gave it to you. You deserve it. As you planned, enjoy some of it and save the rest. It's also good financial planning to have a rainy day fund. From the situation you described, if you told your husband it is not your decision on what you do with your inheritance anymore. You could also invest maybe €5000 of it. Don't feel guilty in any way.

Chanjer · 23/03/2021 10:59

It's cos people on MN think having a tough few years means only one holiday abroad instead of 2

Different world from what many people are capable of imagining clearly

blackcurrantjam · 23/03/2021 11:02

In my experience it wouldn't be a bad idea for a woman to have a secret security account with some money in the case of divorce

RavingAnnie · 23/03/2021 11:06

I wouldn't but my husband wouldn't question me if I wanted to buy socks, strawberries and Ribera. That seems controlling tbh.

BigFatLiar · 23/03/2021 11:08

@blackcurrantjam

In my experience it wouldn't be a bad idea for a woman to have a secret security account with some money in the case of divorce
Surely he should as well?

Perhaps they can cut down on the electricity or gas, less food maybe then he can keep the extra as savings for his fuck off fund.

JanetPisahypocriticalC · 23/03/2021 11:08

@Purplewithred

I would tell DH, but then he's not a tight bastard who would try to stop me spending money on everyday items that we could well afford.
Same.
BillMasen · 23/03/2021 11:10

@blackcurrantjam

In my experience it wouldn't be a bad idea for a woman to have a secret security account with some money in the case of divorce
Same for a man?
BigFatLiar · 23/03/2021 11:10

@RavingAnnie

I wouldn't but my husband wouldn't question me if I wanted to buy socks, strawberries and Ribera. That seems controlling tbh.
Presumably you can afford them.

Would he still be happy for you to spend if you couldn't afford them and were possibly building debt.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 11:10

We never had branded ribena or strawberries when I was a child.we couldn’t afford it
I thought it was posh to have Ribena & branded items eg Heinz
My Parents bought value label or own brand items.

If you’re on a budget strawberries and Ribera are expensive frippery

BillMasen · 23/03/2021 11:12

@JanetPisahypocriticalC but they can’t well afford them. That’s the bloody point. I know people don’t read or understand threads but the op specifically says they’re on the breadline!!

Birdcloud · 23/03/2021 11:15

What was the decision please?

BillMasen · 23/03/2021 11:16

This thread has 2 camps

Those that understand there may be times when strict budgeting is needed, it’s not necessarily controlling, op could be seen as a bit frivolous and they understand the husbands reaction to what looked like op spending what they haven’t got.

And those who either have never known a tight budget and the concept doesn’t compute, or who must blame the man!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/03/2021 11:22

I don't know if you could call it a good and happy relationship if you feel like you need to hide 10 grand just so you can buy chocolate :/

Suzi888 · 23/03/2021 11:23

In your position YANBU.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 11:28

This thread has 2 camps. ⬅️That’s an inaccurate & superficial summation

It’s ok to be prudent and have good financial management
It’s not ok to be controlling and have another adult in a state of reluctance & reticence

Chanjer · 23/03/2021 11:36

Can that reluctance and reticence ever be, in your opinion, a justified feeling on behalf of the spender?

BigFatLiar · 23/03/2021 11:36

@AryaStarkWolf

I don't know if you could call it a good and happy relationship if you feel like you need to hide 10 grand just so you can buy chocolate :/
I don't think she's all that happy. I think she resents being skint.

She was going to save most (which she believes is what her husband would do) but was also going to put some money aside to spend. She didn't even raise this with her husband so he hasn't had the chance to say it was a good or bad idea.

It doesn't bode well that she's buying stuff and sneaking it in while they're struggling. I'd be worried about what else she was buying and not saying.

Things may have started to look up for them but that doesn't necessarily mean blow the budget, it may take time for the benefits to filter through.

As you say not a great marriage when your hiding money from your partner and not a great marriage when you feel you can't trust your partner to stick to budget when you're struggling financially.

Chanjer · 23/03/2021 11:40

I can think of approximately 10,002 reasons that the OP might not want to tell her DH

Many other people who don't credit the OPs assessment of her own situation seem to be ignoring the 10,001 other possible reasons

BigFatLiar · 23/03/2021 11:47

@Chanjer

Can that reluctance and reticence ever be, in your opinion, a justified feeling on behalf of the spender?
If she knows they're struggling (which she does) and also feels that the spend is actually an extravagance yet goes ahead and spends.
hahaohno · 23/03/2021 11:49

Op do you actually see the bills and outgoings and income? Why do you say he's better at the food shop? What do you kids eat if you're not allowed to buy fruit?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 11:50

@Chanjer I think there’s a fundamentally deep chasm between them regard finances and their respective behaviours
I expect her husband feels exasperated by it also probably reticent and reluctant However I think his behaviour is controlling

Chanjer · 23/03/2021 11:58

My actual view on it is she should spend it on eBay she wants, if she wants to do that. I think inherited money should be separate from family money and it should be spent in accordance with what would have pleased the person who left it to you.

I just find it pretty amazing that people can't grasp that there are people in the UK to whom a fiver makes a big difference and that if that is your situation then yes it's unreasonable to spend money you can't afford

People making it sound like the DH have denied the children a balanced diet are projecting. The kitchen may be amply stocked with fresh fruit and vegetables that were budgeted for and already bought. It is possible for a few quid to be an extravagance not a bloody right