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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
tiredmum2468 · 22/03/2021 21:01

You probably need it for an escape fund if he doesn't like you buying ribena and strawberries!

Mother87 · 22/03/2021 21:03

Sounds like financial control/abuse as others have said - the 'covert' behaviour you feel you've had to use to hide everyday items from him, shouldn't be acceptible to you. You'll be needing that money towards your escape - but i've always been a believer in having 'fook-off' money IF at all possible...

BillMasen · 22/03/2021 21:11

@suggestionsplease1

You're in a marriage, you have to work together as a team, not against each other which seems to be what you may on the verge of doing.

I think OH is getting a hard time considering the sheer lack of information posters have - there could be a lot of debts that need paid off, OP might have had a £5 a day coffee and sweets from the shop habit - £150 a month, which was making life really hard on a very low income etc etc. Granted that is pure speculation, but so is the speculation about the OH!

If I was busting a gut trying to get my family out of debt and to a better place and my OH decided to conceal something that might help us get to that position I'd be very disappointed - and that old cliche that gets trotted out on mumsnet - if the sexes were reversed what would people think then?

Wife trying hard to get her family finances back on track, she's presently breadwinner, her and her husband both aware that he's a bit frivolous and have mutually decided that she takes care of things like shopping as she can get it in within budget so they can plan for nice things in the future. He gets a lump sum and squirrels it away, moaning to his friends that his wife always raises an eyebrow when he gets something a bit frivolous so he has to keep it secret....that would be a ltb for a lot of posters I reckon.

The fact that someone feels guilty or knows their partner will raise an eyebrow doesn't inherently mean it is an abusive or controlling situation, although is some circumstances it can certainly help build the picture if that is going on. However sometimes it can also be an indication that a partner knows their OH is trying really hard to get the family financial situation in order and they're holding back a sum to themselves that might help with those larger financial goals. That would make a lot of people feel guilty too.

This is mumsnet though. It must be his fault, even if there’s incomplete information you must assume that.
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 22/03/2021 21:11

If you have to hide buying strawberries, socks and ribena no, I’d keep it hidden.

caringcarer · 22/03/2021 21:12

He sounds very controlli g. The children can't have fruit and you.cant have docks? Does he expect you to walk around barefoot? You know it is madness OP. When my dh inherited a few thousand from his gran he told me and I asked what he would spend it on. He put it towards a new car as his old one was unreliable. I.inherited £26.8k from my Mum. I gave my 3 adult children £1k each, took DH for nice meal and put rest towards a btl. The income generated is put.inyo family money. Later this year I.will get lump sum on pension when I have 60th birthday. I am planning on taking DH to Australia to see Boxing Day Ash's cricket, Covid allowing travel. DH would never stop me buying fruit for children and activly.encoursgrs me to spend money on new clothes and stuff for myself as I don't buy much clothing. I feel I have enough clothes but If I wanted any I would just buy it. Fruit would be purchased routinely with shopping. I would pick.up.sockd either on Amazon or before Covid on high street. In your position I would be saving £8 k as FOF and spend £20 per week on fruit and Rubens for kids and a few treats for family. Once your 2 year old is at school I would.be going back.yo.work to get.own money.

NoodleDoodle24 · 22/03/2021 21:15

No one knows the OPs circumstances. What if she is entirely frivolous and husband is keeping them out of debt? Yes it seems extreme but she seems comfortable in that he’s being super sensible.

I don’t think it’s a normal situation though. If there’s a specific goal to save for fair enough, if not then you need to have a word. I would maybe disclose 3k and keep the rest back!

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 22/03/2021 21:23

Yes you should tell him
He shouldn't get to tell you what you spend it on ? But the again he is putting more in the pot than you at the moment but guess thats due to childcare
In my house we would have no secrets and we would discuss best way to spend to benefit out family

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 22/03/2021 21:26

Though to add we aren't rich but my dh wouldn't see strawberries for the kids as extravagant and are a staple in the fridge and socks the same ( obviously not in the fridge )

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 22/03/2021 21:28

Im also confused as you say he contributes 2/3 to bills and you 1/3 is that all your wages both of you put in just to cover bills or are you both left with some spending money after this ?

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 21:38

From the OP's posts....

We’re on the breadline. We don’t own a house and we do have to watch money.
They are luxuries at the moment and I worry it makes a mockery of his careful Aldi planning. I’m not a saint in this and neither is he.

Also she is going to tell him.

As he didn't know she had the extra cash, if he did see her dump the rubbish then from his view she was spending money they didn't have/couldn't afford.
No doubt for many Mumsnetters its abuse to expect your partner to stick to budget and not spend 'extras'. The children are also his so I'm sure getting extras would be something he'd like but instead he focuses on the rent and food.

Perhaps budgets are a waste of time for most, if you haven't got the cash stick it on the credit card.

He may be a bit strict with controls, better that than too lax unless you don't mind the debt. I think what worried OP was in the phrase 'I worry it makes a mockery of his careful Aldi planning' - not that he was financially abusive but that he'd think she was just taking the piss and not taking their financial situation seriously.

sansou · 22/03/2021 22:14

Tell your DH & assuming there are no debts to pay off : -
1 - Spend £500 - £1K on whatever.
2 - Max YOUR pension contributions for this tax year.
3 - Remainder, if any, in a S & S ISA.
So, basically, you're investing 90% of it and you can still access the funds in your ISA in an emergency. You don't need professional advice to invest a sum less than £10K - there's plenty of internet finance articles advising just that as we approach a new tax year.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/03/2021 22:20

Do not tell him about the money.

angelfacecuti75 · 22/03/2021 22:38

Just hide it.. he doesn't need to know.

I would just say I'd won some money on a scratchcard or something or schedule the deliveries for when he isn't in. You are your own person, not just his partner.
Yes you might have had money issues but that money was left to you not the both of you and is yours to do as you see fit.
I probably would just tell my other half though as I couldn't contain my joy.
I could say your hubby is financially controlling but I don't know your hubby and I don't know you. Think about what others have said though . Hugs

2Rebecca · 22/03/2021 22:53

Decisions on household finances should be joint. Joint doesn't mean the most frugal person always gets things their way but you come to a compromise. It does sound as though he is controlling because you don't feel your views are respected and given equal validity. His always win. So what if he wants to save all the money. You don't want to do that and he should be willing to accept that. If he isn't this relationship is toxic. Being mean and making a partner who wants to spend more money feel bad is controlling because that person ends up not spending money so they don't get disapproving looks and tuts.
On the other hand no one wants to live with a spendthrift who racks up credit card bills or gambles.
Most people manage to live in the middle

Merrymermaid7 · 22/03/2021 22:58

How is that? By buying chocolate and strawberries as a treat? Or by planning on keeping £500 back for treats? Over a year with children that is not a lot

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 23:18

Your husband's attitude depends on how tight money actually is. If the food budget is £50 and going over that puts you into an overdraft then raising an eyebrow over spending a fiver of it on two items is totally understandable. If you have hundreds left over each month perhaps not
This is it. There's just enough left out so DH looks like an arsehole. Vs they are ON THE BREADLINE but the food shop includes own label apples and oranges and cordial. Then he sees her throwing out Rubens and strawberries which are expensive equivalents to what's at home. There's only the £5 they stash each week for emergencies left over or a credit card so now he's worrying where she's found the money from.

Same for the socks and scarfs that op is sneaking in. Essential buys cos they're needed or extra buys because she has 10k to fritter away? So if he finds the off+Amazon so probably not particularly cheap is he an evil bastard letting his wife go without or is it more clothes they don't need from a seemingly non existent cash flow?

He could be a controlling dick but ops silence on the details makes me wonder

Ilovemydogellie · 22/03/2021 23:23

If you told him about the inheritance would he ‘allow you’ to keep the £500 you’d like to keep to spend on trivial things?

Yvonne2602 · 22/03/2021 23:25

Would you consider yourself to be a victim of a financially coercive bully?

Topazmumma · 22/03/2021 23:36

@WhereamI88

He won't let you buy your children strawberries and treats? Keep that money secret, sounds like you will need it to leave that abusive arsehole.
I'm inclined to agree. Feels like there is something deeper going on here Sad
D4RREN · 22/03/2021 23:46

If you both have experienced finacial difficulty then it's perfectley understandable that the luxury's are cut from the shopping budget. This is what you do to suvive until things get better right? It really anoy's me that some are so quick to suggest that the man is somehow abusive, because his wife is clearly not understanding the concept of budgeting. He may well frown, could it be that he is having to sacrifice the luxuries too, and you feel you dont have too? Not sure that this amount's to abuse, as some replies seem to suggest.

But to answer your question, how would you feel if the role was reversed? that should be your answer. Personaly if you are hiding 10k, and little items here and the, regardless of how small (it all adds up) then you dont appear to be supporting you husband, in easing the finacial burden. I wouldn't be thrilled if I was him...but that's me.

D4RREN · 22/03/2021 23:50

@SleepingStandingUp

Your husband's attitude depends on how tight money actually is. If the food budget is £50 and going over that puts you into an overdraft then raising an eyebrow over spending a fiver of it on two items is totally understandable. If you have hundreds left over each month perhaps not This is it. There's just enough left out so DH looks like an arsehole. Vs they are ON THE BREADLINE but the food shop includes own label apples and oranges and cordial. Then he sees her throwing out Rubens and strawberries which are expensive equivalents to what's at home. There's only the £5 they stash each week for emergencies left over or a credit card so now he's worrying where she's found the money from.

Same for the socks and scarfs that op is sneaking in. Essential buys cos they're needed or extra buys because she has 10k to fritter away? So if he finds the off+Amazon so probably not particularly cheap is he an evil bastard letting his wife go without or is it more clothes they don't need from a seemingly non existent cash flow?

He could be a controlling dick but ops silence on the details makes me wonder

Totally agree !
SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 23:54

I do wonder how many posters have ever actually seen the breadline. It isn't the queue at the artisan bakery btw.
It's so easy to be all "let them eat strawberries" until you're working out whether to put money in the electricity meter or the gas metre because you can't afford both

Cleversaz · 23/03/2021 00:08

Gosh, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Of course, we don't know what the hardships you've experienced are but no relationship where one person doesn't 'let' the other do certain things is definitely not healthy. I wouldn't dream of keeping it from my DH and if it were my money, is spend it as I saw fit. That would likely be on the house or a holiday for us both, so he'd benefit anyway. But then, I'd want him to! You shouldn't have to explain fruit, chocolate or a pair of socks - or anything for that matter.

WisnaeMe · 23/03/2021 00:19

Thankfully OP's already made a decision regarding her inheritance. 🌺

Exhaustedpanda · 23/03/2021 01:00

I would definitely tell mine. But I’m also allowed to buy treats for the kids anyway, especially things like strawberries I’m Not sure that is a treat. In fact my husbands not good with money at all and isn’t good at saving so wouldn’t question any purchases at all. I probably should hide money from him 🤣