Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

Fucking hell not eBay *on what

@RavingAnnie

I wouldn't but my husband wouldn't question me if I wanted to buy socks, strawberries and Ribera. That seems controlling tbh.

how much disposable income do you have each month? how much is your food budget?

And there's people here pointing out that its man bashing and I don't really think it's that, or care, it's just a crazy lack of imagination

Probably a good sign for the countries state in general that so many people find this hard to imagine

Mn is tone deaf when it comes to poverty. The daily grind of poverty
A Complete inability to imagine the impact of a limited budget. As exhibited by protestations that one simply must have Ribena & strawberries

Only time mn claims to be thrifty is the one chicken feeds 15 people threads (inc making risotto,soup,a roast,sandwiches) on those threads people are positively bragging about their thrift

@MoonBaby1

We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.

There seems to a control issue here. I'm sure you're aware of it. It does not sound healthy but I feel there may be a few more issues in the relationship, not mentioned here. I could be wrong of course.

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Chanjer I think there’s a fundamentally deep chasm between them regard finances and their respective behaviours
I expect her husband feels exasperated by it also probably reticent and reluctant However I think his behaviour is controlling[/quote]
Having a budget is definitely controlling.

He should get rid of the budget and stop being so controlling perhaps he can celebrate his new financial freedom by buying himself some beer and whisky on the next shop.

I'd be totally beyond a raised eyebrow if after struggling together to get out a financial hole I found my partner had started sneakily spending again money we couldn't afford (he doesn't know she has the cash). I'd feel betrayed and that it had all been for nothing. For all we know he may be wanting to splash the cash on treats for the kids as well.

I think there are a few insightful comments on budgeting when money is truly tight. It’s not controlling to want to be able to pay your family’s bills. It might be the dh has gone a little too far but that experience does stick with you, and you want to protect against ever feeling like that again. hopefully, they can talk and agree.

Having a budget is definitely controlling. No. Not necessarily. It’s controlling if one partner exerts decision making and control upon the other
It’s sensible and prudent to have a budget and grasp of ones finances. Having a budget is eminently sensible. Too many people waft by with an inadequate grasp of finances, credit cards,or finances

Had a little chuckle when a pp said "it's not like you're sneaking them lobsters"

That's pretty much it. I personally couldn't imagine not being able to afford a lobster anytime I want, that pp must be on some hard times indeed, but I accept that I'm excessively privileged and don't assume that of everyone.

By the way I can't afford lobsters but you get my point

But it's nice that the cut off point for extravagance for so many is shellfish rather than extra fruit

If OP had posted In addition to working FT whilst DH is part time due to child care, I do all the shopping (because frankly i'm better at it!). Money is REALLY tight, even with his recent pay rise its still tight. If he tells me, i'll put some own brand treats on, but that's all we can afford. So I come home and he's hiding rubbish in the bin - expensive fruit and sugary pop for the kids from the local shop which is SO expensive. I don't even know how he paid for it, we have that little money left over. aibu to worry he's put in on the credit card again or he's dipped into the kids meagre savings? He didn't mention it, just looked sheepish and walked off. i wonder what the answers would be?

Tell him if he wants to spend money like that he should work full time? He's a cocklodging CF? He's financially abusive if he's got secret money he's keeping from you?

DH's unclue died recently. He'd said before that he expected to get some inheritance but he's never mentioned. I mentioned it to my Mom and she said maybe he'd kept it aside as his "Fuck Off Fund". Is this ok?
Def LTB responses!!

BillMasen
Yes for a man too. In fact often they do, much to the woman's suprise on divorce. Women are disproportionately affected economically by childbearing, caring and so on so yes, independent savings are a good idea.
Ideally this would actually all be transparent and above board and part of mutually agreed financial planning but unfortunately in cases where this is not the case, I think a security account for a woman is not a bad plan. And yes if a man is sacrificing career for childcare etc in a marriage, depending on the set up a small security fund would be a good idea too.

But it's nice that the cut off point for extravagance for so many is shellfish rather than extra fruit

I doubt many experience the guilt of finding some coins down the back of the sofa/chairs and using it to by ice cream for the kids rather than put it in the gas/electricity meter.

@SleepingStandingUp

If OP had posted In addition to working FT whilst DH is part time due to child care, I do all the shopping (because frankly i'm better at it!). Money is REALLY tight, even with his recent pay rise its still tight. If he tells me, i'll put some own brand treats on, but that's all we can afford. So I come home and he's hiding rubbish in the bin - expensive fruit and sugary pop for the kids from the local shop which is SO expensive. I don't even know how he paid for it, we have that little money left over. aibu to worry he's put in on the credit card again or he's dipped into the kids meagre savings? He didn't mention it, just looked sheepish and walked off. i wonder what the answers would be?

Tell him if he wants to spend money like that he should work full time? He's a cocklodging CF? He's financially abusive if he's got secret money he's keeping from you?

DH's unclue died recently. He'd said before that he expected to get some inheritance but he's never mentioned. I mentioned it to my Mom and she said maybe he'd kept it aside as his "Fuck Off Fund". Is this ok?
Def LTB responses!!

Exactly this. Of course what OP's currently doing eg wanting to buy stuff on amazon, buying things from an expensive corner shop isnt BU. However if he isnt aware that this isnt coming from the tightly controlled budget, and thinks she is spending money that they dont have of course he going to react to the situation as he sees it rather than the truth thats been hidden from him.

Back in the times when we had a tightly controlled budget, i would have definately been side eying a partner if i noticed they were spending more money on clothes, having parcels delivered that didnt fit within the budget. When you have a budget someone spending more in one area takes it out of another area, which is fine if there is enough to go roundbut not if you are worried that an extra amazon parcel might be the difference between paying your gas bill or not.

Equally i would be annoyed if DP hid the fact they came into enough money that could have a positive impact on us as a family, eg being able to have a holiday, go on days out, put towards home savings (eg for a sofa!) or simply build up an emergency fund. I would be even more annoyed if in the process of hiding it from me they had to use it on small purchases to fly under the radar, and it frittered away thus i found out we might have had money that we need now, or have needed in the past but its now gone.

OP, a very useful message

It all depends on the husband. If mine was as controlling as yours sounds, the inheritance would make a good basis for an escape fund. I understand that budgeting is important but buying fruit or the occasional Ribena for the children is not profligacy. Good luck.

budgeting is important but buying fruit or the occasional Ribena for the children is not profligacy
You’re so missing the point. If as op says you’re on breadline every penny counts
Tesco Ribena £2.00 compared to the Value brand cordial 40p
£1.6 difference
That £1.6 could buy 20 fish fingers and tin of beans
So whilst for most folk when you’re solvent £2 is no big deal, literally every penny matters when you’re skint
The Ribena is comparatively costly

but buying fruit or the occasional Ribena for the children is not profligacy if every penny is accounted for because that's how they're keeping a balanced diet on the table and a roof over their heads then yes, extra expensive fruit and expensive pop IS. They're not saving up for a holiday to Hawai, op said they're on the breadline. And suddenly she's sneaking food into the bin and God knows what else. He's probably worried she's got a credit card or is dipping into the kids piggy banks!

You should put your windfall or most of it, in an investment account and forfet about it until the invitable rainy day arrives.This is your personal FFF.

Get out now. If you can't buy strawberries and chocolate without him bei g pissed off. I understand he might be nervous ad finacially insecure but that's how control starts. I know that was me. Normal people dont do this. If you spent it on excessive alcohol or scratch card maybe. Do you really want someone telling you what to buy or eat for your whole life? You could tell him and then see how he reacts. My partner made a list of how much I owed him!

@Nettie1964

Get out now. If you can't buy strawberries and chocolate without him bei g pissed off. I understand he might be nervous ad finacially insecure but that's how control starts. I know that was me. Normal people dont do this. If you spent it on excessive alcohol or scratch card maybe. Do you really want someone telling you what to buy or eat for your whole life? You could tell him and then see how he reacts. My partner made a list of how much I owed him!

Dear AIBU, came home and found DH hiding food rubbish in the bin, stuff he'd brought from the local expensive corner shop. He knows how tight money is and I buy everything we need on a v small budget. Aibu to wonder what else he's spending our tiny savings pot on?

Of course keep it a secret. You'll never know what life brings, always important to have access to little cash.

Having an ex who spent everything and left us with nothing I would keep it but either in your own account or the children's. I would imagine your DH would be upset if he's struggling to manage and you've got £10k though

OP already told her Husband about her inheritance 🌺

Do you think he has secret money too?

Well, OP said on Sunday she thinks she'll tell him but not updated since then so maybe it's sorted.