to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

@BlueSkyBlinking

Bearing in mind that no-one is obliged to sleep with anyone, and taste is purely subjective, there sure is a lot of biphobia in this thread. Why exclude an entire group of people? Grim.

The first half of your post is at odds with the second.

@jessstan2

I'm sure there are plenty of heterosexuals who wouldn't want to be involved with a bisexual.

Have you seen the threads on here when somebody says their partner has come out as bisexual? Fucking LTB feeding frenzies.

(And yes up pop plenty of people who apparently can’t tell the difference between a bisexual man and a trans woman ).

Nice to know we’re ‘a hassle’
I suppose at least bisexuality provides an easy way of weeding out both gay and straight small-minded people from your dating pool

@Annabellerina

Isn't only wanting to date a heterosexual man more to do with wanting to know that he is only attracted to you? That's how I've always thought of it.

Do you really think you have had many heterosexual relationships where the guy had only ever been attracted to you? And never in their life, before or since, found another woman attractive?

People in committed heterosexual relationships can find other people attractive without dropping their knickers, why would bisexual people be incapable of that? Unless you think we are all sexually incontinent slappers.

And no, in many of the previous threads, the problem actually not that anyway. It was quite openly that posters found the idea of receptive anal sex “unmanly”, and that dating a man who might potentially be turned on by that was revolting on a visceral level. Basic homophobia.

Here we go, first one that came up on google:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/707784-Bi-curious-DP

“My DP has admitted bi curious ness.
I cant help it ,I feel sick...really sick”

“I like my men to be MEN and I have to say, if DH said that I think I would run for the hills.”

“I think he is gay. can you accept him fucking around?”

I know we've totally derailed this thread now but it's so strange how threatened opposite sex partners feel about bisexuality. Honestly, from the inside, when I discovered I fancied women, it was no different to how I felt about men. It's genuinely exactly the same - I want a long term, committed, exclusively monogamous relationships - but it could happen to be with a male or female. Whoever I'm with, I'm with 100%. It's just like the majority of the (heterosexual) population.

Clearly there are outliers but those outliers are of all sexual orientations. You can have polyamorous heterosexual people and cheaters of all persuasions. I think anyone who does have a problem with it should check their assumptions. Not saying you have to be in a relationship with a bisexual but if you categorically wouldn't be then maybe you should do a little self reflection as to why?

Ah, good to see the rampant biphobia continues!

Also, never can get over people who would swear down they aren't homophobic saying "I just find it really unattractive when men are also attracted to other men". Weird way to tell on yourself, but okay...

I'm off to be a promiscuous hassle who isn't gay enough for the lesbians and too likely to cheat for my husband 😎

I knew I fancied boys at 11 and had a female crush here and there. I just didn't have a label for it as they do now. Nothing to see here. I wouldn't worry.

These threads infuriate me, so much ignorance. First of all OP ‘mixed up with her feelings’ is a very common biphobic phrase that is used constantly against us, why is your immediate reaction to doubt her? No she isn’t too young to know if she has crushes on boys or girls or both, you likely had crushes on boys at that age, and in answer to other posters no it isn’t sexual. But most people know who they fancy by the time they’re a young teen, I knew I was bisexual at 11. No she isn’t too young. So please don’t make your immediate reaction to not believe her.

@JensonsAcolyte‘ Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.’ I can’t believe someone would in good conscience write this, when being gay is still punishable by death in many countries. Just because being LGBT is becoming more accepted within younger generations doesn’t mean that young people are faking their sexuality to be popular. LGBT is not a trend and this is an incredibly harmful thing to say.

‘ I sort of agree with PP that there’s so much on the subject at school that it’s almost like they feel they need to be labelling.’ there really isn’t much on this subject at school OP. There isn’t. And to accuse education on lgbt issues of making your daughter identify as bisexual is... yikes.

@stuckinarutatwork ‘ I'd be surprised that a pre-pubescent child has sexual feelings for anyone of either sex at this age.’ It’s not sexual? It doesn’t have to be sexual? Homosexual relationships aren’t characterised just by sex?

‘ I sort of agree it’s kind of cool to be part of LGBTQ. I wondered if this was what she was thinking. As said, I will (and have) support her all the way either way. I’m an old fart and we didn’t really learn about all of this in school and if people were gay at school I don’t think anyone really knew till they left, certainly don’t remember anyone coming out till much older.’ the ignorance in this whole paragraph could make me weep. It’s cool to be part of a marginalised group that still doesn’t have rights in all countries? It’s cool to be more likely to experience bullying or to suffer from depression or self harm? It’s cool to have the chance of being abandoned by your community or family because of who you love? No it’s not cool to be LGBT, it isn’t a trend. And the part where you say ‘I wonder if this was what she was thinking’ shows you already don’t believe she’s bisexual. You didn’t learn about it in school because you likely grew up in the times of section 28, society is still recovering from being deeply homophobic, are you really confused why no one came out at a time when doing so was actually ‘social suicide’ (as another poster said about not being lgbt)? They definitely knew before they left OP they were just in an unsafe and homophobic environment where they couldn’t be honest about their true sexuality. People are coming out younger because it’s safer to, not because people in the past didn’t know their sexuality from a young age.

@SphJC ‘ we were shocked that she has made this decision at 10 years old.’ being gay isn’t a choice :)

‘ throwaway comment meaning I couldn’t care what she decides to be.’ your throwaway comments create a culture which endangers lives! And once again being gay is not a choice!!!!

@PussGirl I think sansa just wanted her to say bisexual actually and saying ‘i expect I’ve missed something as it gets longer all the time’ is actually quite passive aggressive bordering on homophobic :)

@Backtoschool101 'I am going against the grain here and think it is a bit young to be teachi g kids these things. Especially as social media is so heavy. They end up feeling like they need to be la elled and really shouldnt need to be worrying about this at 11. Regardless of their sexual orientation, it ofcourse doesnt matter. Sex education is so important and needed but the just need the basics about safe sex and pregnancy and prevention and sexual health. I think teaching about sexual orientation is not needed at 11. Maybe in a few years. But i think they are young and impressionable and end up 'needing' a label abd confusing themselves about what they are when they only need to be worrying aboyt their school work amd making friends.' This mentality is partially responsible for the aids pandemic. Why shouldn't other sexual orientations other than straight be taught in schools? I assume by safe sex you mean only heterosexual sex? I really don't think kids are worried about this, it's actually a fairly non stressful and basic thing to understand. You mean they're 'impressionable' as in they would be impressioned to be gay? I only learned about heterosexual relationships in school so it's surprising that I'm not heterosexual by your logic.

@OscarWildesCat 'I see what you’re saying and agree to an extent, it seems to be heavily discussed in school. It would be great to live in a world where people didn’t have to be labelled as straight, Gay or Bi and could just be without a label so I suppose the plus side of learning it all in school is that it reduces the stigma and allows kids who are confused with feelings or wondering if they’re gay to know it’s ok to be different. I know what you’re saying though, it has the potential to make young kids feel like they have to pick a label rather than just concentrate on being kids.' It's really not discussed in school as often as you think :) It would be great to live in a world where you don't have to label your sexuality, however that isn't the world we live in and learning about lgbt relationships in school doesn't pressure children to adopt labels but it saves the lives of lgbt children who will undoubtedly experience ignorance or bullying in their lifetime for their sexuality and who need to understand that their sexuality is normal.

@Backtoschool101 ' im not disagreeing. You didnt see my follow up post. Teach all safe sex and you can love whoever. Just dont put labels on it. Life doesnt need to be so hard that we are labelled by our sexuality' if only it were this easy. It isn't the 'labels' that make life hard with sexuality it's peoples attitudes to homosexual relationships, whether we use labels or not those attitudes will be the same. This is such a privileged thing to say.

@Flapjak 'Its funny how 'decide' to be is not acceptable but 'identify as' is.' Yes it is funny how 'decide' implies a choice was made and 'identify' implies that something which was already there was recognised. How funny.

i'm going to stop replying to comments now because i'm exhausted by the ignorance displayed by some posters but i just want to reiterate what @beatrice14 said:
'Siepie - This, completely. It seems that 'sexual' part of 'bisexual' is misunderstood to mean only sexual attraction, while due to heteronormativity straight children can just say 'I like boys/girls' , not 'I'm heterosexual', which might sound a bit strange. Let's face it, the op's daughter probably has had a crush on a girl or two to be saying this. It's really wrong that while straight kids don't get their innocent crushes nastily twisted, gay children are seen as sexual by default, as we can see by the mutterings of 'horny' and 'I wasn't sexual at 11' on this thread. And why the calls for 'nuance' and that 'someone's obviously put the idea in her head'? I suppose that straight children also need to 'consider further nuances' and have a thread started saying 'AIBU to think my DD is confused about being straight'? I mean, why does the OP even need to worry about her DD possibly being 'confused' or not actually bisexual? Nothing's stopping her changing her mind later!
Anyway, I wish OP's daughter well.'

It sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. She knows she can come to you to chat and you love her for herself not her sexuality. When it comes out of the blue it can catch you off guard but you did well OP.

@caringcarer

It sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. She knows she can come to you to chat and you love her for herself not her sexuality. When it comes out of the blue it can catch you off guard but you did well OP.

She did indeed.

Actually, proclaiming that young children are aware of sexuality and sexual preferences can be very damaging. I believe it’s the justification many paedophiles use, claiming that children enjoy it because they’re already sexual beings.

I believe young children are aware even though they lack the maturity to elucidate it. Agree regarding paedophiles - I'm clearly bisexual (male) but a paedo took away from me any chance of being with another man for life. I gained an erection (sorry tmi) during the rape which ties in with the despondent shame (even 30 years later).

Support your DD as you are, OP.

I also agree eleven is far too young for this kind of teaching. I think most kids are lies away from understanding the nuances around the discussion. I wonder how much confusion rests in thoughts either way being planted and a lot of angst ensues.

I would do exactly as you have done OP and confirm support either way and let things work out.

I look back at my former self and think I would have been a mess had I grown up now instead of the 80s. For several years I wanted to be a boy - up to about age 11. Then from11 to nearly 17 I did have feelings towards some females as males. I confided in my mum who said it was all normal and all fine whatever way it worked out (heterosexual female). Has I received the education they do now I think I would have become a mess trying to figure it all out rather then just letting hormones settle

I will be raising my kids the same way

@Roonerspismed Why is eleven too young to learn that you can be something other then heterosexual but heterosexuality is fine to indoctrinate in children? ‘The nuances around the discussion’ it’s really not difficult is it? Some people like men, some like women, some like both. Is that complicated? ‘ thoughts either way being planted’ learning about homosexuality won’t make children gay, learning about heterosexuality didn’t make me straight. This is a ridiculous idea, thatcher would agree with you. You think it was easier to grow up questioning your sexuality in the 80s? In the middle of the aids pandemic and a deeply homophobic society riddled by things like section 28? That’s the most ignorant statement I’ve read all day. Educate yourself please and please don’t pass your ignorant, homophobic views onto your child.

Biphobia is the reason why I'm a woman in her 50s, happily married to a man who doesn't actually know the truth about my sexuality. That makes me feel so dishonest and I tend not to think about it day to day... I would love to be able to embrace my identity but still stay married and faithful to DH for the rest of my days. I don't need to have a relationship with a woman. I'd just like to be fully me.
I knew I had feelings for both girls and boys in my early teens. I was so naive/young I didn't know you could like both! I heard folk around me using awful homophobic taunts in order to bully people, so just started going out with boys.
I did sleep with a few women in my early twenties (although didn't come out as I didn't think it was a thing) but the first person I settled down with was a man. When I told him I was bisexual he "accepted" it. However, I then received digs and abuse about it until I finally left. Since then I've kept it to myself as I realised society wouldn't accept me. I felt like I would be seen as a threat or putting it on to be attention-seeking (have known of women snogging their best mate in clubs to tittilate men 😕).
Now I'm scared to say anything because I don't want to lose a brilliant relationship. It's not worth the risk in my eyes.
I think it's great that young people are able to be open and honest - that they can explore who they are. So what if she changes her mind later on? It's definitely not too early to be questioning in my opinion...

Just accept what she says and thinks
I never expected my kids to be straight and always said, ‘when you bring a girl or boy home’ type thing to let them know I didn’t have expectations one way or another
I don’t care tbh

@RootyT00t I was in love with the man from Atlantis when I was younger than 5. I thought he was the most beautiful human being I had ever seen... are you saying 5 year olds can’t know who they fancy?

Absolute LOL mhairi and I come from an incredibly gay accepting family with several close family members coming out in their teens with no issues.

I have explained to mine since they have been able to talk that uncle bob is gay and has married Jim etc. Many of our friends are
and it’s normal to my kids

But I do think sex education of our primary school children is too much. I’m in Scotland and they are being told, for example, that gender doesn’t exist, and it’s far far too much. I feel discussions beyond an calm acknowledgment of hetero/bi is also too much. Children shouldn’t have to label themselves age eleven - and I feel strongly this isn’t helping their mental health.

Because I grew up in the accepting family that I did, none of it was a big issue and it was left to settle. My younger sister came out as lesbian in her late teens.

I’m quite offended you think my “too much too stance” is homophobia but think as you like.

And once again being gay is not a choice!!!!

I mean, why does the OP even need to worry about her DD possibly being 'confused' or not actually bisexual? Nothing's stopping her changing her mind later!

While it is quite hard to work out what you are quoting and what are your own thoughts, Mhairiblack, these 2 statements seem somewhat contradictory.