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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:
thatsgotit · 22/03/2021 18:52

It's absolutely not necessary to know everything about everything, but the way that post read was dismissive to me. Clearly, it wasn't intended as such.

@Sbk28 yeah OK, I'll concede 'offensive' is possibly a bit strong, but it was mainly in reaction to your suggestion that I should have gone off and googled the terms I didn't know. Being a little older than many MNers and having known since my late teens I wasn't straight, I've been inclusive since before that word was even used in this context. And way before some of the newer terminology and orientations came about. Hence I don't feel the need to know every single term for every single orientation because I know I accept people for who they are, regardless.

To me, inclusivity = treating everyone as equal irrespective of their sexuality, provided no one is getting hurt, and people don't need to know all the correct words for everything in order to have and practise that philosophy.

thatsgotit · 22/03/2021 18:57

What I do know is that among the young folk (mostly late teens early 20s) I was surrounded by pre-covid, almost all identified as queer and a straight friend had a bit of an existential crisis when she didn’t fancy women but forced herself to have experiences with women so she didn’t feel left out.

You just described the sixth form I went to. Grin Obviously, some of those who decided they weren't straight eventually decided they actually were, while some decided they weren't, but same-sex interactions were definitely considered trendy. And that was back in the mid-80s. Grin Admittedly in a gay-friendly seaside town, though.

Luckychant · 22/03/2021 19:43

Part of the narrative is this idea that your parents might disown you/ throw you out. I think this comes from films etc on the topic.

Or from reality. I know people who's parents were totally fine with homosexuality, until it came to their own children.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:48

@Macncheeseballs

I started fancying boys aged 5, I still do, I believe stuff my kids tell me
5 🙄
bitheby · 22/03/2021 21:59

@DaisyWaldron

Ah yes, *@bitheby*. That was the group I mentioned earlier. Has it calmed down? I was a member, but I left the group after those posts because even though it was only a few people from a very large group, very few people were challenging them.

Ha. I haven't been on it today but those posts certainly stirred up a lot of anger. Funnily enough, it was the reason I left a real life social group for women - the constant snide digs and remarks about bisexuals. I get that people feel the need to assert their identity to feel safe and accepted and there are very few places where lesbians can do that but there's nothing worse than minority groups taking lumps out of each other to feel better about themselves.

GrolliffetheDragon · 23/03/2021 09:31

[quote bitheby]@kwiksavenofrillsusername This attitude still exists. There were a couple of threads about it on a well known lesbian Facebook page in the last week. There are still lesbians who won't date bisexuals and lots of stereotypes presented as facts. [/quote]
Have you been on Reddit? The stuff on there about bisexuals. Urgh.

I have never felt part of the LGBT+ 'community'.

jessstan2 · 23/03/2021 10:33

I'm sure there are plenty of heterosexuals who wouldn't want to be involved with a bisexual.

GrolliffetheDragon · 23/03/2021 10:46

@jessstan2

I'm sure there are plenty of heterosexuals who wouldn't want to be involved with a bisexual.
I've never noticed it so explicitly and offensively stated. In my experience the level of hate is, overall, less.
jessstan2 · 23/03/2021 11:03

I wasn't intending to be offensive. I'm also not thinking of 'hate', it's more that many heterosexuals wouldn't fancy getting into a relationship with a bisexual. I doubt they talk about it much but would be put off if they knew their object of desire was bisexual.

GrolliffetheDragon · 23/03/2021 11:12

@jessstan2

I wasn't intending to be offensive. I'm also not thinking of 'hate', it's more that many heterosexuals wouldn't fancy getting into a relationship with a bisexual. I doubt they talk about it much but would be put off if they knew their object of desire was bisexual.
I didn't think you were, just saying I've seen more hate from the LGBT+ community than from straight people, where it's usually more of a shrug and 'can't trust them, can you?' rather than the vitriol I've seen from some lesbians.
Luckychant · 23/03/2021 11:38

Ive seen plenty of threads on here about why people wouldn't date a bisexual, including awful stereotypes.

jessstan2 · 23/03/2021 11:46

Many people have never even met an openly bisexual person anyway so the situation doesn't arise. I did once, years ago, know a woman who was bisexual.

I don't understand vitriol around it, we are what we are. A lesbian is not obliged to have a relationship with a bisexual woman so why make a big deal out of it? Just don't go there (if you know of course).

bitheby · 23/03/2021 18:38

I've seen several threads on Mumsnet about women not wanting to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Obviously no one should be shamed into being with anyone they don't want to but the perception that we're promiscuous/ more likely to cheat is so tedious.

jessstan2 · 23/03/2021 18:58

@bitheby

I've seen several threads on Mumsnet about women not wanting to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Obviously no one should be shamed into being with anyone they don't want to but the perception that we're promiscuous/ more likely to cheat is so tedious.
I think it is just something people want to avoid when it is possible to find a heterosexual person. Why have the hassle? There may well be no hassle but it's an additional issue to be taken into consideration.
bellie710 · 23/03/2021 19:03

My DD (10) is obsessed with LGBTQ, it is discussed a LOT at school so she is fascinated by it! My sister is gay and so is my cousin and DD is always asking questions about them, I think it is just a curiosity I don't necessarily think it means anything at the moment.

bitheby · 23/03/2021 19:20

@jessstan2 We don't have two heads and six toes. I'm a perfectly nice person. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that would consider my sexuality a hassle having said that. Bloody hell.

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2021 19:26

Is it possible to know your sexual preference at 11? Of course it is.

Will that preference be the same in 2 years....5 years? Not necessarily.

How many of us know people who have been straight for years, even got married before deciding they are gay?

My dd has been Bi, or Pansexual since around the age of 11, when ever she talks about it I just smile and tell her “I’m happy if she’s happy” because I don’t really care who she falls in love with as long as they treat her right. She’s now 17 and runs a LGBT group at school.

thatsgotit · 23/03/2021 19:30

Many people have never even met an openly bisexual person anyway so the situation doesn't arise.

@jessstan2 there are more of us than you might realise.

I think it is just something people want to avoid when it is possible to find a heterosexual person. Why have the hassle? There may well be no hassle but it's an additional issue to be taken into consideration.

Can I ask why you hold that view? It's coming across to me like you're buying into the stereotype that a bi person will automatically want to 'have their cake and eat it'/will struggle with monogamy, but I don't want to put words in your mouth.

Luckychant · 23/03/2021 19:48

I don't see how being bisexual is na issue or a hassle.

Annabellerina · 23/03/2021 19:56

Isn't only wanting to date a heterosexual man more to do with wanting to know that he is only attracted to you? That's how I've always thought of it.

bitheby · 23/03/2021 20:09

@Annabellerina

Isn't only wanting to date a heterosexual man more to do with wanting to know that he is only attracted to you? That's how I've always thought of it.

I am actually getting hurt by some of these comments.

Think about it.

Human beings can be attracted to more than one person. All human beings. Being in an exclusive relationship means that you choose to be committed to your partner.

Just because a bisexual person can be attracted to more than one gender does NOT mean that they are attracted to all and sundry. We still have tastes and standards!!!!

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/03/2021 20:14

But it's a purely personal thing, bithby
I couldn't be with someone knowing he also liked men. No disrespect to anyone bisexual on a personal level, it's just what it is.
I doubt I'm alone in that, it's not a niche viewpoint.

Oioioioo · 23/03/2021 20:45

I’m gay, at 11 I was well aware I had no romantic interest in boys. My mum would have considered me ‘young’ too- partly I think because of my lack of interest in boys. I had endless crushes on girls.
At that age, if I’d known about the existence of LGBT people they way kids now I would maybe have even said I was bi to seem more ‘normal’ or to fit in.

She’s not too young, she’s not confused. Just nod, smile, if you genuinely don’t care if she’s bi or gay then it’s all fine isn’t it?

SaltedCarmel · 23/03/2021 20:58

I knew I liked both from about 8/9 but this was in early 2000 and I didn't know you could. It was a very confusing time. I'm glad children now know about all the different LGBTQA+ identities. Just let her be and admire her and her courage.

BlueSkyBlinking · 23/03/2021 22:43

Bearing in mind that no-one is obliged to sleep with anyone, and taste is purely subjective, there sure is a lot of biphobia in this thread. Why exclude an entire group of people? Grim.

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