to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

So a child who is bisexual can have a crush and not have it be a sexual thing? The same way I had a crush as someone straight but it didn't mean it was sexual

(But I do remember having sexual feelings at that age, to be fair though I hit puberty quite young)

@Cheeeeislifenow

So a child who is bisexual can have a crush and not have it be a sexual thing? The same way I had a crush as someone straight but it didn't mean it was sexual

(But I do remember having sexual feelings at that age, to be fair though I hit puberty quite young)

I don't know.

I remember thinking boys looked nice but I'm not sure what that means.

@JensonsAcolyte

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

I've got one of them!

My dd also 11 told me she was bi... I said ok love etc.... a few weeks later she told be she was so disappointed at my response... she thought we would have a celebratory party to celebrate her coming out ... as if she's lived years repressed and suffering in a closet ffs

@Overthinking1

I cant stand when people say its fashionable to be lgbt. this is exactly what my parents said to me 25 yrs ago. it bloody isn't, we get rape threats to turn us straight, laughed at, mocked that our relationships aren't real etc etc

This!

65% of gay, lesbian and bisexual pupils have been bullied at school. 99% have heard homophobic language. 6% have received death threats

www.bullying.co.uk/general-advice/what-is-homophobic-bullying/

I remember my parents dismissing my sexuality at a similar age. Guess what? Still bisexual/not really bothered about defining it/not straight. It may or may not be ‘just a phase’ but does it really matter?

I’ve had similar with my kids. I personally think the 10yr old is too young to know (bisexual) and the 9yr old just wants to be gay because boys seem icky, although she’d be celibate. It’s nice they can explore these issues but it’s driven far more by the want to label than it is by their definite final sexuality. I’ve always been open and explored these issues but the labelling pressure is down to peers.

I believe sexuality is somewhat flexible. I don’t label myself bisexual despite my relationship history. I can’t see any bi/homophobia in the OP. While some people are sure of their sexuality early, many of us aren’t and many teens (or older) will experiment with their sexuality and identity before they know for sure, eg detransitioners are often 20s/30s. It’s easier for kids to figure it out in their own time if we give them space and don’t box them into labels.

I need to read more on biphobia. I sensed it more coming from the gay community than straight people but never experienced it personally. It was more dismissive than aggressive or threatening. Being married to man, it isn’t an issue at all as I don’t need to talk about it and I would feel weird and attention seeking to start openly identifying as LGBT and joining pride etc. Not that I care if others do. There seems to be a huge focus on identifying as x and being oppressed, despite society being far more accepting and open now. I feel more oppressed by class/wealth and disability which are much harder to resolve but less appealing on social media.

The thing about about treating it as a non-issue is that it's only applicable if you've always treated it a non issue. If you've never said anything to your child to let them think you assume they are straight, or would prefer them to be straight, and nor have any of their other relatives, or any of the other kids at school, or any of their teachers or youth leaders, then it probably is no big deal and you can act that way.

And if that's the case, they probably won't make a big declaration because it will just come up in normal conversation.

And if it's not the case, then your response will let them guage how much support they can get from you, and how receptive they will be if they bring the topic up again.

I'm really not seeing the labelling frenzy going on at all. My kids are 11 and 14, and it's really not a thing for them and their friends. I remember that around Y4 some of the children would talk about crushes, but that stopped as they older. If you asked them now, the 11 year old would say "I'm too young for that! I'm just a kid!" And the 14 year old would be mortified at the mere mention of the topic, would plump for aro/ace If she needed to use a technical term to describe herself right now but would probably prefer to go with "too young and why is everything always about love and sex anyway".

I started fancying boys aged 5, I still do, I believe stuff my kids tell me

I need to read more on biphobia. I sensed it more coming from the gay community than straight people but never experienced it personally.

I used to experience it a lot when socialising on the gay scene in my late teens/early 20s (back in the 80s - I dare say things are more enlightened now.) I frequently used to be told there was no such thing as bisexuality, and there was quite a bit of not-very-well-disguised hostility. I was once told to 'pick a side and stick to it'(!) There definitely was a perception of bisexuals as time-wasters or 'tourists' and I think we were perceived (somewhat inaccurately imo) to be wanting the fun of being on the scene without having gone through any of the shit gay people often have to deal with. I guess sometimes gay people do end up being played or used by bisexuals but the blanket hostility was unpleasant, eventually I stopped discussing my sexuality at all. And then tended to be read as straight because of the way I dressed. (It was butch or bust in those days if you were a woman trying to get into a gay venue, I once almost got refused entry into a bar for having a skirt on. )

Don't know if things have got any easier for bi people on the gay scene, but I certainly hope so. I hope my comments don't come off as homophobic, I'm anything but. Just describing what my experiences were.

The biphobia is still around. I think there's a lot less of it these days, particularly amongst younger lesbians, but I was in an online group recently where several lesbians said they would never sleep with a bisexual woman because they saw us as dirty, disease-carriers, tourists, focussed only on men and would be unfaithful and leave them for a man, and several more said that they would sleep with a bisexual woman but never have a relationship with one

@Macncheeseballs

I started fancying boys aged 5, I still do, I believe stuff my kids tell me

I did too, from an early age but it was more 'romantic' than anything else, not sexual.

If I had a child of the op's age who told me they thought they were bi I would respect that but not make a thing out of it because they could well feel differently when puberty kicks in. That often happens. There's nothing you can do anyway, if someone is gay or bi or straight that's how they are, you just carry on as usual but there are other things in life for children which really should take precedence over their sexuality. Time enough for that when they are older and wanting to be in a relationship.

When I first started going to gay clubs in the late 90s there was a lot of biphobia. Lots of comments about us being sluts or promiscuous, and many lesbians wouldn’t date a bi woman - their choice of course. Some of them would see bisexuality as a kind of betrayal.

Ten years or so later, I think being bi was less stigmatised. Although it might be because I’d moved from London to Brighton and the scene was pretty chilled and friendly at the time. Or maybe because bisexuality was a bit more visible by that time.

Thank you for all the perspectives, really helpful to hear people experiences.
It turns out DD has told my Niece by text message (just after she spoke to us) that she’s bi and has a gf, she told my niece that her gf is X (they’ve been friends since nursery). I’m not bringing the subject up unless she wants to again but I do still feel that she has a strong connection with X as they are close friends and maybe she is still sorting romantic feelings for a close bond with a best friend. Either way, I think I’ve handled it as best I could for her age and she knows she can come to me to discuss her feelings if she wants to.

There's a weird contradiction on this thread between

1. People talking about the existence of biphobia and how it is a serious problem (which I agree with)

and

2. The same people not seeming to realise that if biphobia is a significant problem, then a good parent will surely want to know if her child is bi. Because such a parent will be concerned about biphobia impacting her child, and will want to be alert to that possibiity, and ready to support the child.

I mean,saying "this thread wouldn't exist if a child came out as heterosexual" - seems to ignore that there is no problem called 'heterophobia'.

[quote TangerineCandyfloss]@jessstan2, it really isn't.

Let's say for arguments sake that you are straight - did you have innocent fantasises about maybe holding a boys hand before that age? Or just saying that so and so was your boyfriend? Did you think of yourself with the prince rather than the princess? You weren't thinking about having sex with the prince, but you knew what looked "right", in terms of a romantic relationship, to you.

11 might be too young for some to be having sexual thoughts, but romantic thoughts start much much younger.[/quote]
Very true.

When I was very young there were men I wanted to marry when I grew up and I girls I wanted to... well, I wasn't sure, because girls couldn't marry girls. I wanted to be the one rescuing the princess anyway even if I didn't know what would come next.

OscarWildesCat
That's lovely, and I can see it's a learning curve if you're still processing it, but probably if her best friend were a boy, then you wouldn't say that she was still 'sorting out romantic feelings from a close bond with a best friend', you'd probably just accept it as an early crush... I could be completely wrong, of course!

and kesstrel , definitely,but op didn't really bring up biphobia, although she did ask about support. I think the 'confused' and 'mixed-up' bits distracted a bit from that, though.

@Sbk28

OP and *@thatsgotit* - laughing at terms used is not making you sound inclusive at all. shrugging that you don't know what the + is for in LGBTQ+ gives the impression that you don't think it's important enough to google, and yet you're happy to post about it on a public forum.

Some 11 year olds are bisexual. It's pretty cool that you DD is happy to chat about it with you. Encourage it and try not to make her think she's too young to explore her identity.

Oh, for goodness' sake, lighten up.

Are you actually saying that anyone who doesn't know every single bit of current terminology isn't inclusive? That's actually quite offensive, you know. And imo somewhat misses the point of what being inclusive entails.

You did the right thing. My DD told me she was gay aged 14. Left school at 18 and her first sexual relationship was with a boy. Think my daughter just wanted to appear cool.

It seems to be a part of the narrative that you have to make a big deal of"coming out". Despite the fact it would have been abundantly clear to my kids that we have no issue with homosexuality or bisexuality, they still felt the need to make an announcement about it. (my younger daughter says she's pansexual and gets very cross if you don't know the difference between that and bi, even though she asked her friend that very question six months ago).

Part of the narrative is this idea that your parents might disown you/ throw you out. I think this comes from films etc on the topic. In reality I think hardly any parents these days would react in that way, even though some might be upset.

My husband says this is middle class kids with nothing much to worry about looking for drama in their own lives.

@thatsgotit

I'm just calling what I saw. You posted, and the only point of your post appeared to be "my, there are a lot of sexualities - some of them make me grin."

It's absolutely not necessary to know everything about everything, but the way that post read was dismissive to me. Clearly, it wasn't intended as such.

I'm not upset and I don't need to lighten up, I just wanted to highlight how that post came across.

I would apologise for being offensive but I really don't understand how what I wrote could be offensive.

For my part, this thread has got me wondering how different my life would have been if we lived in a "bi until otherwise proven" rather than in a "straight until otherwise proven" society. But now I'm just rambling!

My eldest always liked girls from about 4 or 5 - same age I was when I knew I liked boys . She came out as gay at about 9 but she’s recently been saying she’s Bi and so are her two best friends. They’re a similar age to OPs child. It may be real or it may be a fashion. I just told my dd she doesn’t have to make her mind up about who she likes to suit others. My family all told me she didn’t know what she liked, that she was too young, but if I knew what I liked young why is it different because her orientation is different to mine? I’ve known since she was very young she wasn’t hetero but whether she’s a lesbian or bi is her business not mine & I’ll support her whatever her orientation.

What I do know is that among the young folk (mostly late teens early 20s) I was surrounded by pre-covid, almost all identified as queer and a straight friend had a bit of an existential crisis when she didn’t fancy women but forced herself to have experiences with women so she didn’t feel left out.

@kwiksavenofrillsusername This attitude still exists. There were a couple of threads about it on a well known lesbian Facebook page in the last week. There are still lesbians who won't date bisexuals and lots of stereotypes presented as facts.

Ah yes, @bitheby. That was the group I mentioned earlier. Has it calmed down? I was a member, but I left the group after those posts because even though it was only a few people from a very large group, very few people were challenging them.