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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:19

@Ineedaneasteregg

Firstly there aren't 17 of them. Secondly I'm not sure why you are finding it so hard to believe?

The dc go to a liberal, LGBT friendly school.
I suspect part of it is that at least some of them are in the boys are gross stage, some will more focused on their strong same sex friendships, some will be aware of sexual orientation and some will just want to blend in.

My dc don't go to school in the UK if you feel that makes a difference? Many of their models in film, music and social media identify as part the LGBTQ + community.

I will ask dd what she thinks the percentages are for the other classes in her year.
I honestly can't see why it matters, particularly given how young they are. It is a societal change from when I grew up but I don't see it as an issue either way.
Dc at that age like conformity, it is just more of the same really in that aspect.

I have found it interesting to observe.

How many girls are in your dds class?

I'm assuming she goes to a private school if there are no boys.

Well, it matters because there is a difference. Like when I used to tell my mam 'everyone' does a b and c

SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:32

@twelly

Teenagers do feel pressured into this trend, describing themselves as anything but heterosexual is important to them. There is however a difference between describing oneself as a category than taking it further. I think that the pressure on teenagers is enormous and often the actions taken now can influence their whole life. From what I have seen the pressure to be different doesn't end with sexuality with some it moves to changing their sex/gender . That is what I have witnessed and that concerns me. As for schools I think they have a obligation to challenge trends - teenagers are making life choices without thinking of the consequences, in many cases manipulated by social media in my view it is a safeguarding issue. Fortunately some schools do challenge but too few
Yes, god forbid teenagers 'take if further' and become actual bisexuals! They will soon be changing their sex and gender, and worshipping Satan! Hmm

Or, you know ... maybe they'll just like the idea of holding hands with boys and girls?

Ineedaneasteregg · 21/03/2021 23:33

It is a mixed private school although the sex numbers aren't even in the classes for various reasons.

I know what each dc has told my dd that identity as, (or at least I would if I had a better memory.) It is definitely a really important part of their individual identity at this stage of their lives, even if it is mostly demonstrated by making sure that they have the right flag on their animal crossing island or similar.

There are some relationships with in rl but not that many and covid has really put the brakes on because they aren't allowed within 6 feet of each other.

We used to live in the north of England and I suspect that things would be more traditional there at present. But I would expect the change I've seen to make it's way over there.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:34

@Ineedaneasteregg

It is a mixed private school although the sex numbers aren't even in the classes for various reasons.

I know what each dc has told my dd that identity as, (or at least I would if I had a better memory.) It is definitely a really important part of their individual identity at this stage of their lives, even if it is mostly demonstrated by making sure that they have the right flag on their animal crossing island or similar.

There are some relationships with in rl but not that many and covid has really put the brakes on because they aren't allowed within 6 feet of each other.

We used to live in the north of England and I suspect that things would be more traditional there at present. But I would expect the change I've seen to make it's way over there.

I just don't think it happens like this, I'm sorry.
slashlover · 21/03/2021 23:34

As for schools I think they have a obligation to challenge trends - teenagers are making life choices without thinking of the consequences, in many cases manipulated by social media in my view it is a safeguarding issue.

Should they challenge the heterosexual kids or just the LGBT+ ones?

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 23:35

Or, you know ... maybe they'll just like the idea of holding hands with boys and girls?
Why would that make them bisexual? Obviously some will be, but based on that?

SmokedDuck · 21/03/2021 23:35

@slashlover

Well, your son is still 13 so who knows what his feelings will be 10 years from now.

So at what age do you accept someone's sexuality? If her son had a crush on a girl would you tell him that in 10 years he might like boys instead?

What does "accepting" have to do with it?

Most people seem to be pretty stable in that are by the time they are in the second half of their teens. Though there also seem to me to be differences between men and women in this - a lot more young women seem to try out bisexuality or being a lesbian in the late teens and then leave it behind, I haven't observed the same thing to nearly the same extent with boys.

It's not uncommon for kids who turn out to be gay to have crushes on opposite sex people when they are young, either, so it's absolutely possible for it to happen in that direction. It's not all that unusual for women in particular to be quite a bit older when they come to the conclusion they aren't straight. Statistically it's going to be a lot less common. But I'm not really asking anyone at any age to go around announcing themselves as heterosexual either.

I don't generally think labels for sexuality need to be something that we emphasise much in adults, either. It's a feature of western culture that's not all that usual in terms of other cultures and times, the idea of sexuality as a category of person, and I'm not convinced it does much for us.

SmokedDuck · 21/03/2021 23:39

Although my point really was that saying t's important to accept the statement of an 11 year old who is known to not quite grasp the adult understanding of sexuality based on the experiences of a kid who is 13 and assuredly gay is a little bit of a leap. I daresay it's likely but we're still talking about a kid who hasn't entered puberty.

SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:40

@GreyhoundG1rl

Or, you know ... maybe they'll just like the idea of holding hands with boys and girls? Why would that make them bisexual? Obviously some will be, but based on that?
I never said it would make them bisexual. Confused

Why is there such a concern about 'making' children bisexual? You can't 'make' someone bisexual; it doesn't work like that.

slashlover · 21/03/2021 23:43

The label did A LOT for me, it allowed me to find others like me and to accept myself.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 23:43

I was asking you to explain your point about holding hands with boys and girls 🙄
And substitute "make" with "suggest" or "point to" if it makes it clearer. You've completely misunderstood.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/03/2021 23:48

I don't understand why schools are forcefeeding sexuality labelling to children in the first place.

I commend you letting her know she could be honest and wouldn't be judged OP, and I don't think you sound biphobic either.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:50

@Closetbeanmuncher

I don't understand why schools are forcefeeding sexuality labelling to children in the first place.

I commend you letting her know she could be honest and wouldn't be judged OP, and I don't think you sound biphobic either.

We aren't. HTH.
twelly · 21/03/2021 23:50

At some schools there seems to be a pattern for promoting sexual labels - there is a difference between information and promotion and I think many cross that line.

SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:50

I don't think I have completely misunderstood.

I simply pointed out that, when an 11 year old says to her mum that she's bisexual, we could just assume she's talking about age-appropriate development and go from there.

The alternative, on this thread, seems to be that we should engage in a moral panic and presume the 11 year old is about to 'take it further' and 'influence their whole life'.

Could you please explain how an 11 year old child liking boys and girls could 'influence their whole life'?

slashlover · 21/03/2021 23:51

@twelly

At some schools there seems to be a pattern for promoting sexual labels - there is a difference between information and promotion and I think many cross that line.
How do you promote it? "Hey kids! Being gay is fun!"
RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:52

@twelly

At some schools there seems to be a pattern for promoting sexual labels - there is a difference between information and promotion and I think many cross that line.
Do they? In what way? What do they do?
slashlover · 21/03/2021 23:54

You also didn't answer if they should challenge the heterosexual kids or just the LGBT+ ones?

Cheeeeislifenow · 21/03/2021 23:55

All these people spouting how 11 is too young? Did nobody else have posters in their wall if boybands etc? Did nobody else labyrinth and David Bowie's leggings? Of course I had crushes by age 11?

Op unfortunately, you have taken on a bit of ingrained bi phobia, it is so ingrained you don't even realise it.
My 11 year old ds told me the other dayhe has a crush on a girl, I didn't start a post on how to handle it. I said oh, she is a lovely girl alright and asked if his friends knew. I don't say, oh well maybe in the future you might be gay. It just sounds bizarre.

SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:56

Ok, to be fair - where are the schools where they're promoting homosexuality, and how can we join in? I've been trying to brainwash DD into lesbianism for ages, so I'd be delighted to have a bit of help.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:56

@Cheeeeislifenow

All these people spouting how 11 is too young? Did nobody else have posters in their wall if boybands etc? Did nobody else labyrinth and David Bowie's leggings? Of course I had crushes by age 11?

Op unfortunately, you have taken on a bit of ingrained bi phobia, it is so ingrained you don't even realise it.
My 11 year old ds told me the other dayhe has a crush on a girl, I didn't start a post on how to handle it. I said oh, she is a lovely girl alright and asked if his friends knew. I don't say, oh well maybe in the future you might be gay. It just sounds bizarre.

I had crushes, bur is that sexual attraction?
RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:57

@SarahAndQuack

Ok, to be fair - where are the schools where they're promoting homosexuality, and how can we join in? I've been trying to brainwash DD into lesbianism for ages, so I'd be delighted to have a bit of help.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Carouselfish · 21/03/2021 23:59

Almost think it's too much to have the 'we love and support you whatever' conversation. Makes it all rather melodramatic. Previous poster had it right with the nod and smile approach. Sure, okay, move on to new subject. Teens and preteens are trying on lots of things for size and pressure either way, pro or anti, any reaction, is going to alter their course. Just let it play out naturally.
Side note, things are only really accepted when they become a non issue. If you receive it with any more reaction than you'd give 'I like marmalade not jam', it's still an issue.

Ineedaneasteregg · 22/03/2021 00:00

I just don't think it happens like this, I'm sorry.

That is alright, your inability to imagine a part of world which obviously functions differently to your own will hold you back more than anyone else.

I found it an interesting thread parts of which chimed with my experiences.

My dc's experiences are very different to my working class Scot's experiences as a dc and I will be curious to see how it works out longer term.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:01

@Ineedaneasteregg

I just don't think it happens like this, I'm sorry.

That is alright, your inability to imagine a part of world which obviously functions differently to your own will hold you back more than anyone else.

I found it an interesting thread parts of which chimed with my experiences.

My dc's experiences are very different to my working class Scot's experiences as a dc and I will be curious to see how it works out longer term.

🤣🤣

No.

My years of experience in education settings.