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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car or house, AIBU?

265 replies

Toomanycars · 20/03/2021 11:28

DH works incredibly long hours in a very demanding job. I am a SAHM although have a small part time job

DC’s school fees are massive and we don’t have much left over each month. We have about £5,000 in savings. We also recently renovated our house but still don’t have curtains up, wardrobes or garden finished as finances haven’t allowed.

DH has 2 old cars. He spent £3,000 last year restoring 1, he now wants to spend £5,000 restoring the other. Using money From a bonus he is likely to get in late spring.

I feel that finishing the house should be prioritised; he would like his car fixed for the Summer. It his only hobby, and on the one hand I feel that as he works so hard and earns the money, he should be allowed to enjoy it.

Yet, it seems like such a huge amount of money to spend when we’ve got other priorities. He has only expressed a wish to get the car done, he won’t if I’m against it.

AIBU to say no to the car?

OP posts:
Same4Walls · 20/03/2021 11:58

@emilyfrost

Your priorities are totally off. You can’t afford private school and you can’t afford to be restoring cars.

You need to spending family money on the very basics before you go splashing out.

Absolutely agree.

I am amazed you genuinely need people on MN to tell you what is so blatantly obvious. Your priorities are so totally mind-boggling??

Mellonsprite · 20/03/2021 12:00

@PegasusReturns

No being able to afford curtains whilst paying school fees and restoring cars is insane.
This
m0therofdragons · 20/03/2021 12:01

I think his bonus is family money. Dh got £1000 bonus in September and we discussed it and he split it so bought something he really wanted and then put the rest in savings as we’re planning some work on the house. Hobbies are important but I’d not be without curtains. I guess it depends if you want high end curtains or blinds2go (I bloody love blinds2go).

justforthis7 · 20/03/2021 12:02

YANBU. Home trumps hobby. And it’s family money, as you say. If you hadn’t mentioned private school and being a SAHM, everyone would have said YANBU. You haven’t given us any reason to believe your DH is unhappy with the current arrangement of you working PT and your private school priorities are irrelevant. So, assuming you do majority of childcare and housework, all seems fair and it’s family money. Not hobby money. I can’t imagine my husband suggesting we spend £5k on his hobby if we didn’t have curtains or wardrobes 😬

qualitygirl · 20/03/2021 12:03

I can never understand the logic of putting your kids through private school...to the detriment of a (what could be) a lovely family life and a comfortable home! What do you want your child to achieve out of private school that you are 100% sure they couldn't achieve at a good state school??I know plenty of ppl who went to private schools and they have they same jobs and houses and lifestyles as those around me that went to state schools. I hope it's worth it OP!

Merryoldgoat · 20/03/2021 12:04

Your finances just don’t make sense to me - a functional house is the main priority above everything else.

The idea you’d consider over expenses above clothing storage and curtains is a bit beyond me when you don’t have any at all.

I also don’t understand why you wouldn’t work at all unless you have a pre-school aged child.

Well1000 · 20/03/2021 12:05

Yanbu. Just because he 'works hard' doesn't mean he gets off free from his priorities. Pretty selfish of him to want to throw money at his hobby when his house doesn't have curtains. He should be embarrassed.

Itsjustaride8w737 · 20/03/2021 12:05

I'm the same as you op, although dd goes to a state secondary. After bills we have around £1800 a month spare, this means we can save for a new car or decorate the house/pay towards a holdiay.

I'd seriously reconsider private school fees for a better standard of life.

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/03/2021 12:08

Curtains are 50 quid a room - of course they could be more, but anything more than the minimum is a hobby, it's not relevant when thousands a month are going out in school fees or the thousands that would be invested in the car (as at least some of that will be recoverable, potentially all if he's actually doing all the labour as his hobby)

Itsjustaride8w737 · 20/03/2021 12:11

know plenty of ppl who went to private schools and they have they same jobs and houses and lifestyles as those around me that went to state schools.

Yes to this! My friend went to private school as much as she loved it she is now a cleaner (not that there's anything wrong with that before i get jumped on!). She previously qualified as a dental nurse but found being self employed gave her more family time.

Sleepyquest · 20/03/2021 12:11

I can't be arsed worrying about if other people break the rules or not at this point. I think the vast majority are only breaking them where there is good reason and not to have big parties etc.

Your friend is being a nob. Ignore her

Sleepyquest · 20/03/2021 12:11

Oops wrong thread Blush

StormcloakNord · 20/03/2021 12:12

Come on now guys, state schools just wouldn't be good enough for OP.

Never mind curtains, paying for an education that isn't necessarily any better than the state is far more important Confused

activitythree · 20/03/2021 12:12

Yanbu. Just because he 'works hard' doesn't mean he gets off free from his priorities.

Yeah. It's all the hard working mans fault. Heating to be free from priorities. Meanwhile OP isn't even working. Perhaps that's the issue.

This man is working and earning enough to pay for everything, including private school, yet you deem him to be the problem Hmm

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/03/2021 12:13

ditch the school fees and get a job?

Thehawki · 20/03/2021 12:13

Okay so get curtains for front rooms in your house (£50 each?) and second hand wardrobes for cheap. An IKEA wardrobe new will cost £100 each. So that’s maybe £400 on the house and the rest is his. Surely that’s absolutely fine with a budget of 5k. Why don’t you propose he keeps £4,500 for his car, but you need curtains and wardrobes!

NoSquirrels · 20/03/2021 12:17

If he restored one car last year @£3K, I would say he can drive that one this summer, surely? Otherwise why did he restore it?

Restoring 2x cars is definitely into slightly cheeky territory if you can’t afford curtains!

I don’t think his bonus is ‘his’ money especially if you don’t have a great deal in savings and you’re paying private school fees. If he loses his job you’re all screwed, so you should be whacking as much into savings as possible. Long-term you need to up your income as a family.

Frazzlefrazle · 20/03/2021 12:18

Why is there no compromise here? You buy the essentials for the home and then he gets money for his hobby. Problem solved. Unless like a previous commenter you want to spend thousands on curtains ect? In that case you are both being unreasonable and you both need to compromise. Get yourself to argos or ikea.

Time40 · 20/03/2021 12:19

For me, hobbies are more important than wardrobes

Yes, same here. I'd go with the car (but I speak as someone who spent thousands restoring a much-loved old car).

nanbread · 20/03/2021 12:19

You can get curtains from IKEA to do probably all rooms for £250 all in

DdraigGoch · 20/03/2021 12:20

@monkeysox

If money is that tight why the fuck are you paying for private school?! Hmm
Because maybe the OP views education as important and worth a few sacrifices. If you want a decent education in the state system you still have to pay for it, whether by through overinflated house prices in the "right" catchment or by having the free time to volunteer at the church fete.
NoSquirrels · 20/03/2021 12:20

Why are people arguing that he should spend £4-5K on a second car when they have very little in savings, only one working adult, several DC at private school and no curtains?

Working hard doesn’t mean he should also make crap decisions about money.

£5K is great, but it’s not life-changing. If the car will be worth £10K after and he intends to sell it then fine. Otherwise it’s a super expensive hobby he can’t afford at this point in his life.

nanbread · 20/03/2021 12:21

Wardrobes - can pick up some great solid ones cheaply second hand.

Gardens can be money pits...

What I'm saying is that you could probably do all the house stuff for £1k leaving him £4k for the car.

Compromise.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/03/2021 12:21

Spare money should be split so there's some available for the house and garden, some for savings and some for personal spending money for both partners. DH shouldn't be spending thousands on hobby cars unless there's an equal amount available for things like curtains, wardrobes etc.

If anything these items are a higher priority because it's utterly miserable living without proper clothes storage and lack of curtains will be an annoyance in the summer when its light at 4 am.

Curtains and wardrobes need not be expensive or unafforable, and certainly not when you have a £k bonus pot that they can come out of.

Aprilx · 20/03/2021 12:21

I think neither of you are demonstrating very good financial sense, him because he thinks a car is more important than house and you because you think that is the debate you should be having.

If you can’t afford curtains, you can’t afford private school. Now there is a sentence I never thought I would write because it would be so blindingly obvious to most people.

You have a child at school but you are a STAHM in a family living in a half finished house with no curtains. Why aren’t you working more to help your family considering the precarious financial situation you are in. You need to work, you need to find a state school. Then you would be able to live like normal people and not have to make choices over something as basic as curtains.